“So you think … you think he’s avoided me for so long because he’s a middle child?” I’m confused now.
Presley rubs my shoulder. “That’s not what I’m saying. I think he keeps his secrets, his thoughts, his choices, to himself because he grew up being the last one thought of. He’s used to receiving less love, and it’s sharpened him. It’s also made him self-reliant. I know that’s how I used to feel. Like if I got too close to having something I really wanted or talked about it too much, it would ruin it. That might not make any sense, and it could be completely wrong, but maybe that’s what’s been holding him back from really opening up.”
Her words give me pause, and I chew my lip as I think it over. “But in my mind, that just doesn’t add up. I’ve tried to get through to him so many times. We were so in love; we are in love …”
“And he blames himself for almost killing you. You didn’t see yourself in that hospital bed. Imagine sitting next to his lifeless body for a month while machines breathed for him? That’s gotta fuck with a person, Lil.”
And that connects with me. Straight to my brain, a whack as hard as a baseball. I never really thought about how awful it must have been for Bowen. He’d been driving. For me, our accident was a split second. We flipped in the truck and then I woke up in a hospital bed. But for him …
It had been months of agony. Of healing himself and watching me for any flicker of life. Now that Presley said it, I couldn’t imagine holding it together for that long if the roles had been reversed.
“And would it be so bad if Bowen took a job outside of Fawn Hill?” Presley asks cautiously.
The words smack me, bouncing off my head and disorienting me. “You’re suggesting it would be a good thing if he left town? If he left me?”
She waves her hands above her head. “Gah! Hold up. Sorry, that thing happened where I think the rest of the sentence in my head but don’t say it. What I meant was, it might be a good thing if he got a job offer, so you could both leave together.”
This idea is even crazier and has me snorting. “Um, what are you even talking about? How did this go from me complaining about him keeping secrets, to Bowen’s middle child status, to you telling me we need to hit the road?”
Presley nods. “I know, sometimes my train of thought can be all over the place. But, hear me out. If Bowen did get a job with a team outside of the state, wouldn’t that give you two a fresh start? You can work anywhere, Lily! Libraries exist all over the country. But imagine leaving Fawn Hill, which holds so many bad memories for you two, and moving somewhere that you can make all new ones?”
I’d never actually thought about leaving the town I grew up in. With a father in the public eye and my loyalty to my parents, it had never really been an option. It had always just been expected that I’d attend college nearby and then move back once I was done. Presley makes a valid point.
Maybe I shouldn’t look at Bowen’s silence as hiding things from me or keeping me in the dark. Perhaps, since we’ve been apart, this has just become his nature.
And maybe, just maybe, his behind-the-scenes plans will lead to something bigger and better for us.
32
Bowen
The only other person I’ve ever leaked the secret about our father’s deal to is Keaton.
One night, shortly after Dad’s death, I’d been drowning in a half-empty bottle of vodka, hurting like hell from losing our father. And I needed someone to spill my darkest thoughts to.
He’d been stunned, understandably. That our father would do such a thing, that Eric Grantham would do such a thing. Keaton had wanted me to tell Lily right away, but he hadn’t seen her father’s display of pompousness at the funeral. That was a clear threat.
And now, I was too far gone. I needed him to remind me why I needed to stay away from her.
That’s why I’m in his office, having brought him lunch from Kip’s, to sweeten him up.
“I saw you at the wedding. You two are still those madly in love teenagers I used to roll my eyes at when you disappeared into the basement.” Keaton rolls his eyes even now, taking a bite of his BLT.
We had some good times in that basement, Lily and me.
“That’s the problem. It’s … we picked up right where we left off. We’re together, full out and in public. That’s dangerous, Keat.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Because she might find out what you’ve been hiding from her? Because her father is a prick who’s been threatening you and our family for years? Or because you’re scared, that at the end of all this, you might have to face the thing you’re really afraid of?”
That strikes a nerve. “And what is that?”
My hand smacks the top of his desk and ruffles the plate that contains the cheeseburger I haven’t touched.
Keaton sighs. “Brother, I’m not trying to upset you. I’m trying to get to the root of the issue, and I’m going to shoot straight with you like I always have. You are in love with Lily. Always have been. And that love, it almost got her killed. You’re so afraid of what will happen if you two can love each other freely, if you can end up together and happy, that it’s scared you into not pursuing her at all. Or else you wouldn’t be here, asking me to talk you out of being with her.”
And there it is. The slice that cuts so deep, you can’t even feel yourself bleeding until you’re lying on the floor taking your last breath. Because my brother is absolutely right. All the other stuff that has kept me away from Lily? I’ve used it as my armor. Take that away, and I’d have to wrestle the real demon.
“You need to tell her, Bowen.” Keaton folds his hands on his desk.
I get up, pacing around the office. “How am I supposed to do that? She’ll hate me.”
He shrugs. “That may be, but she deserves the truth. You love each other, you always have. If you tell her, maybe you can get through it together. But the time for lying is up.”
I shake my head, muttering to myself. I’ve officially gone crazy. My double life has finally melted my brain to the point of insanity.
“Bowen, come on. It’s been ten years. The situation you and Lily were in when you were in high school, those things don’t even exist anymore. Think about it, what does Senator Grantham have against you? There are no more baseball prospects for you. I’m sorry, but it’s true. You have nothing to lose in terms of your future because you’re in it. You have an established barbershop, one that, honest to God, he would be wasting his time to take away from you. You also are a man in this community, one who has people who will rally behind me when push comes to shove. And Lily? She is a grown woman. No one is going to care that she unbuckled her seatbelt to go down on you.”
I glare at him.
“They’re not! Sure, it’s a little scandalous, but people in this town have been on the edge of their seats forever to see you two get back together. If Grantham releases that secret about his own daughter, that her own recklessness was the reason she was ejected from the car, then he is a bigger prick than even you and I imagined. But if he does, that storm will blow over in a couple of days. The bigger news will be that childhood sweethearts found love again. So I ask you, what the hell do either of you have to lose anymore?”
That’s when the epiphany happens. He’s fucking right. So fucking right. I’ve been quaking in my boots for the last ten years … for what? The futures we held back then are gone. The senator can’t get to me anymore. Sure, he can make idle threats about coming for my family, but I’m not a boy anymore. I’m not David and he’s not Goliath. I can take him on, and I’ve got more ferocity. I’d win. If he even cared to waste his time and try.
“Why do you always have to be so noble?” I seethe.
“Because I’m the big brother and your ugliest mirror. I show you what needs to be done, even if it isn’t fun. And I think you mean that I’m right. Come on, tell me I’m right.”
I ignore his demand. “Yeah, I’d call you the biggest killjoy I know.�
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“I’m okay with that. As long as you buck up and finally set things right.”
It’s going to hurt, but I know I have to do it.
33
Bowen
“You’re chopping it wrong.”
Lily giggles as she walks over, putting her hand on top of mine to correct the way I’m cutting a red bell pepper.
“It’s all going to be stuffed inside a taco shell, so who cares what shape it is?” I grumble.
“It’ll taste better if you do it like this.” She guides my hand.
I drop the knife, moving to attack her cheek with kisses instead. “I know how to make it taste the best.”
Laughter bubbles up out of her throat as she swats me away, moving to the other side of the kitchen where she’s browning the meat in a skillet. “I’m hungry and you’re distracting me. Focus!”
We cook in contented silence, the way we have every night for almost two weeks. There is something to be said about having a woman, or a partner, in general, in your life, in your house. Everything feels … warmer. I look forward to going home to her. Waking up in the morning, doing our early hours routine together, following her down the street before she turns one way and I turn the other … it’s all just better with her.
“Have you heard anything from St. Louis?”
And then Lily brings it all crashing down on my head with one simple question.
“No, still haven’t heard.” My voice is a mask of nonchalance.
“Hmm, okay. Is there anything else you might want to tell me about?”
She hasn’t brought up the stuff we avoid talking about since we became exclusive. But I can tell she has a bee in her bonnet tonight, and that fucker is probably going to end up stinging me.
I sigh, frustrated. “Lil, it was a long time ago. I told you, I can’t talk about it. What does it matter now?”
“It matters to me!” Her voice rises three octaves and I immediately know that my choice of words was wrong. “I still need to know why, Bowen. For ten years, you blatantly ignored me. You had me hating myself, wondering what I did wrong.”
I slam the knife down on the cutting board, harder than I’d intended to. “We’re so good now. Nothing can break us apart. Let’s just leave the past in the past.”
Keaton’s voice echoes in my head. I should tell her. She’s asking me to tell her. But something in me knows … that if I do, it might just end us for good.
Lily takes a minute to collect herself, pinching the bridge of her nose and breathing deeply. “Bowen … I know that you’re used to keeping things to yourself. That you’re quiet and usually go at life alone. I realize you’ve been operating this way for a long time, and I’m trying to be understanding, but we’re a partnership now. I love you, and you can tell me anything. I want to know what you’re thinking about, what’s weighing on you.”
If she knew what I knew, she wouldn’t wish that. Ten minutes from now, she’ll hate me. But she’s worn me down, and she’s right. I’m tired of carrying this secret, the big one, alone.
Breathing what feels like my last solid breath, I take a moment to memorize her face. In the loving expression it’s in right now, gazing at me openly with those navy eyes and all the dark hair swirling around her elegant cheekbones and jaw.
“After the accident, I sat by your bedside for what felt like an eternity. Day in and day out, I prayed for you to wake up. And then one day, about a week before you actually did, my father came to me and told me I needed to stay away from you. My father and your father … they made a pact. One that would ruin both you and I if we didn’t break up. He told me that if we didn’t end our relationship, your father was going to smear both our names. So I did. I left before I even knew if you were going to live, and I stayed away for ten years.”
Lily drops the spatula she was using, her eyes glazing over with pain. “What …?”
I cross the kitchen in a few strides, but Lily holds up her hand to stop me. She doesn’t want me touching her. And that’s how I realize there is no taking this back. My words are branded on our relationship now.
My voice is a begging plea. “Lily, listen, please. I was protecting you. That’s all I was ever trying to do. I couldn’t see a way out of it … I was so damn scared that I caused your death, or what your father would do to you if you woke up. What he’d do to you because of me. So I decided to protect you. That’s why I left. Why I stayed away, why I avoided you. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you. God, I love you so much. I let them manipulate me, let them drag me into their fucked-up little pact because I love you.”
“You … you lied to me.” Lily’s voice is shaking, and it matches the tremors working through her body.
I reach for her, but she wrenches her arm away. “No, baby, I …”
“Don’t baby me. You kept this horrible, enormous secret from me for ten years, Bowen! Ten years. Do you know what we could have solved together if you’d let me in on what our fathers had done? Do you even know that I wouldn’t have cared what they’d promised to do to us?”
“Lily, do you remember how we crashed?” I stop her tirade in its tracks.
“Of course, I do.” Her voice is hysterical.
“Your father, my father … they were going to tell everyone why you unbuckled your seatbelt. Why you were ejected. I couldn’t … I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t want you to feel any shame or any hurt from the accident. So I left. I cut out my own damn heart to save you.”
Her eyes turn murderous. I’m about to hyperventilate. My system is malfunctioning, my heart beats too fast and I feel like I might pass out, throw up, or have a seizure all at the same time.
“I would have let my reputation go to hell and back, for all I cared. I just wanted you!” she screams.
Before I can even give my rebuttal, Lily is fleeing my kitchen and heading for the hallway. I should stop her, make her listen, try anything to get her to stay …
But I know it’s too late. I lost her when I walked out of that hospital room, and I’m losing her again because of the decision I made that day.
We are tarnished, our love is stained with the blood of my betrayal, of my lie. And there is no wiping us clean.
34
Bowen
Living a life without Lily was, unfortunately, something I already knew how to do.
Going through each day with a titanium lock weighing down my heart, that’s normal for me. I’ve carried this baggage on my shoulders for ten years. I know how to avoid her in town, calculate her movements so that I didn’t show up in the same places, steel myself to seeing a glimpse of her hair or the strut of her legs.
I’ve walked around like a shell of myself for a decade plus … and I guess it’s back to that again.
I knew from the moment the words came out of my mouth; it could only end one way. Lily viewed my keeping the most enormous secret of my entire life from her as a betrayal rather than me protecting her. She thinks I lied to her for ten years and lumps me into the same category as our fathers. To her, I am the enemy because I didn’t allow her to be a part of anything.
I can’t blame her. I’m not even surprised that she hates me now. I hate me. I’ve hated me for ten years. For keeping quiet all this time, for letting my father persuade me to leave her, for staying away like a coward, in fear of her father for so long.
But the thing I hate the most? That I didn’t get to tell her I love her for the last three thousand, six hundred and fifty odd days. I was the one who made us miss all that time, and now Lily knew that.
There was no way she was going to forgive me.
And because of that, I had a decision to make.
I’d heard from Daniel, the general manager of the team in St. Louis, two days after our blowout fight at my house. And while I might have heard from him, the person I wanted most to call still hadn’t. Lily was dodging my calls, texts, and either wouldn’t answer the door or wasn’t home the two times I stood on her stoop with flowers. She was icing me out.
Either that … or she had nothing left to say.
Daniel did though. He told me that the other coaches were familiar with my baseball stats in high school and that while they were wary about my lack of coaching or work in the industry, they wanted to give me a try.
That’s right … I was offered the position. I’m honestly a little shocked, still, that he wants to hire me. I never thought that initial phone call would turn out this way, and now that it has …
I really don’t know what to do. The possibility of leaving Fawn Hill was never real until it was. I’d have to sell my shop and my house. I’d have to resign from the fire department and tell my family goodbye. I’d have to leave behind the only place I’ve ever lived.
I would have to leave behind the only girl I’ve ever loved. And still love, desperately.
But this chance also gives me a new life. One without so much hurt or history. I could start a new chapter in St. Louis. Getting back into baseball might be the best thing for me.
When we’d ended the call, I’d told Daniel I needed a couple of weeks to think about it, consider the logistics of moving. Really, I just needed to sort my damn head out.
“Bowen, my boy!”
A familiar face walks through the door of my barbershop, and I at least have the politeness to fake a smile for him.
“Coach Hankins, good to see you.” We shake hands, and he takes a seat in my chair.
“I look forward to coming in here every four weeks. Not only for my haircut but because I get to talk to you.”
My old high school baseball coach is as good of a person as there comes. He’s a stickler for discipline on the field, but he’s fair. Coach Hankins has won the most baseball championships in Pennsylvania history in his twenty-two years running the program. And the reason he’s so successful is that he coaches out of respect for his players, rather than leading with fear or intimidation.
Forgiven: The Nash Brothers, Book Two Page 16