Mom huddles close, holding me to her, as she rubs my back and whispers that it’s all going to be okay.
After what feels like an eternity, I straighten, collecting myself. “Tell me what to do.”
Her smile is knowing, and small. “I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you what I think. What to do, that’s all up to you. I think that you’ve loved Lily for your whole life. And you made a tough decision after a very influential person in your life made a wrong decision. But you’re still a young man. You have so many years ahead. Don’t waste them by not going after her. Now that there are no secrets between you, put it all out on the line.”
“But the senator … he still could—”
“He could still what, sweetheart? It’s been ten years, you’re a grown man, Lily is her own woman … no matter how much he tries to control her. I think you’ve both paid a high enough price. There is nothing he can do to bring you down anymore. And if he tries, he’ll have to go through me. Your father may have let you down, but I’ll jump in front of a bullet for any of my boys. The big bad senator doesn’t scare me.”
I have to snort out a laugh at her. “What about the position in St. Louis?”
Mom’s face grows somber. “All I can say about that is … if that’s what your heart is telling you to do, I won’t hold you back. But I’ll throw my weight around here because I want all of my boys close to me. Fawn Hill is your home. And you have a perfectly good opportunity to keep your shop, be involved in baseball, and still work with the fire department. Right here, you have all of that. If you want to spread your wings, I won’t stop you. I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you. Especially you, Bowen. I think you forget sometimes that Lily wasn’t the only one gravely injured in that accident.”
It’s going to take some time for me to digest everything that has happened here today.
So for now, I take her hands in mine and squeeze. “Thank you for listening.”
“Thank you for coming to me. I’ll admit, I’ve been waiting for a day like this. I’m not happy about the news you brought, but I’m happy it brought you, at least, to open up.”
37
Lily
A week goes by, October ends, and the uncertainty that has settled over my life has me waking in the middle of the night, every night.
By the eighth night, as I stare at the clock on my bedside table, which reads 1:06 a.m., I’m so over this shattering heartbreak that I roll my eyes.
When will it pass?
I used to ask myself this a lot after I came out of the coma. When will the pain pass? When will I get better? When will I stop loving him?
That last question … I never answered it. Because I still haven’t stopped, not even now when he brought my whole world crashing down over my head.
In my mind, I know that Bowen was just as trapped in the decisions of our fathers as I was. He was a pawn in their game, too, and was only trying to protect me. I believe him when he says that. But it still cuts deep, knowing that he knew about it and I was left in the dark. If he’d only told me, if we’d only been able to discuss it and come up with a plan …
We wouldn’t have wasted so much time.
My heart squeezes, an ache I can’t rub out of my chest that twinges every time I think about all the wasted years. It’s just a damn shame.
Rubbing my eyes, I get out of bed, slip into clothes, and go downstairs to pull my long, black goose down coat over it all. With my feet in boots, I lock my front door and begin to walk.
Most sane people wouldn’t dare venture out into the thirty-degree night at one a.m., and they’d be completely right not to. But this was Fawn Hill. Crime here was nonexistent, and I’d been surviving the cold of rural Pennsylvania for as long as I could remember.
I needed a sign, some kind of answer. And so I was going back to the spot where I might find one.
Bloomsbury Park comes into view quicker than I anticipated, or maybe I’m just walking fast because I’m freezing my buns off. It’s so quiet and almost smells of snow, and my heart skips a beat thinking about the holidays. This time is my favorite, how Thanksgiving blends right into Christmas and then it’s a new year.
And then I realize … I won’t have anyone to spend them with. My family … well, my parents, they’re not really my family anymore. I won’t be acting out our traditions anymore.
So what will I do?
I’m thinking about it as I come upon the gazebo. Our gazebo. Thoughts of how I’ll spend the holidays alone like that song by The Waitresses distract me as I walk up the steps.
It’s not until I’m standing fully under the vaulted ceiling that I realize …
Bowen is right in front of me.
“Lily …” he breathes, his voice awestruck.
“What are you …?” The words come before I can stop them.
And then I realize, I came here for a sign. Well, universe, if this isn’t the most obvious sign ever.
His baby blues are trained on me. “I’ve been coming here every night since you left. Hoping against hope that you’d show up. And if you didn’t, hoping that being here would bring me the strength to fight for us. To get you back even if you came at me swinging.”
“I would never swing at you,” I say quietly.
He shrugs, a small smile turning up those stubble-covered cheeks. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
Neither of us speaks, and I wrap my puffy-coated arms around myself.
“Lily, I am so sorry. I hate those words because they don’t mean enough. I wish I could … I don’t know, rip out my heart or something to show you just how sorry I am. To show you that my intentions were good, but my actions were terrible. I know that you might not want to hear this, but I love you so much and—”
I hold up a hand for him to stop. “I’m hurt. I’m angry. You kept me out of the decision-making process on the only decision that mattered. Us. You decided for me how we would end, and I wasn’t even privy to why. You wasted so much time, Bowen … years that we can’t get back.”
And now the tears come. Silent at first, but then ugly, ricocheting through my chest as I try to speak. He’s right there, so close to me, in our place. How I got out of bed, walked here, and found him … it can only be blamed on something bigger than both of us. And when he steps into the light, I see the tears in his eyes.
My breath whistles through my teeth as I suck it in sharply. I’ve never seen Bowen cry in my entire life. I don’t know if he ever has in his entire life. But here he is, this rugged, aggressive man, standing in front of me with tears about to fall.
That’s when I crack.
“I know you were trying to protect me … I do know that. But we were partners, Bowen. I wasn’t just in love with you like some lustful high school girl. You were my best friend. We’d talked about making life decisions together. You were my person. And in an instant, you doubted that and let other people influence what happened to us. And still, I love you more than any of those other emotions. I love you even when I hate you. I love you even when you betray me so fatally it feels like you’ve opened a vein and drained it.”
He touches me. Bowen pulls me in so close that I think he feels if he doesn’t grasp me the hardest he can, I’ll slip through his fingers.
It makes me weak, but it also makes me infinitely stronger. In his arms, with him in my life and giving me just as much love as I can give him … it’s how we can move past this. It’s how I’ll rise again, how I can live.
Over the past week, I’ve thought a lot about what a person who loves you looks like. How you can spot the real, genuine kind, and how you know they’ll go to the ends of the earth for you because of that love. Bowen is that kind of person. He sacrificed himself for me. His life, his dreams, his shot at our life together.
“I chose wrong once. I will never do that again. Because this time, I choose you. Above all else, above family, and jobs, and especially fear … I choose you, Lily. I love you. I’ll love you forever. Please, tell
me you want the same.”
My eyes shift quickly, back and forth, as I try to take in all of his face with my gaze. I want to remember this moment. The one that ends our long tale of turmoil and heartbreak.
“Of course, that’s what I want. I would choose a lifetime with you over and over again, no matter the consequences.”
There, in the middle of our spot, Bowen kisses me.
It’s the kiss, the one that seals us from now until the end of our days. The one that says more than any syllable could.
The one that puts every bad decision and source of heartbreak behind us.
From this moment on, we are together.
38
Bowen
“Did you do it in the gazebo again?”
Fletcher smirks at me from across the barbershop as he flips through a magazine from the waiting area table.
“Dude, it was like negative twenty degrees. Without a doubt, they didn’t fuck in the park. Bowen’s dick would have frozen off,” Forrest answers for me, rolling his eyes.
“Keep your head straight.” I push his neck down. “I should give you an uneven cut for how fucking annoying you’ve been during this.”
“Then you wouldn’t earn your tip,” he singsongs.
“As if you pay me anyway, freeloader.” I do the last few touchups on his hair and then smack him before I take the cape off. “Who told you two about the gazebo anyway?”
“About you losing your virginity? We read it in your diary.” Fletcher snickers.
“What the hell! I was talking about how Lily and I made up the other night in the gazebo. Who told you about losing our virginity?” Now I’m pissed because someone has been blabbing.
“Keaton. Never tell him anything. He tried to use it with us as a safe sex speech when we turned sixteen.” Forrest snorts.
“Like that worked.” Fletcher fist bumps his twin as they meet up by the cash out counter.
I have to breathe through my nose to keep calm around these two. “I swear, you two are the ones making me go gray.”
“Always worried about your precious hair.” Fletcher laughs.
The bell over my shop door tinkles, and in walks the most gorgeous surprise I’ve ever seen.
“Oh … hey, everyone. Didn’t realize you two would be here as well.” Lily smiles at my brothers, and they both walk over to kiss her on the cheek.
She’s dressed in work attire; tight polka-dotted black pants and a bright red V-neck sweater. It’s innocent, subtly sexy, and she’s making my mouth water.
And because I’ve already wasted enough time, I march my ass right on across my barbershop and scoop her up in my arms as I crush my mouth to hers.
Lily lets out a yelp of excitement and surprise that I promptly swallow. I feel it when she melts into the kiss, involuntarily giving over control as I pry at the seam of her mouth with my tongue.
“Um, should we just go?” Forrest’s rude voice interrupts us.
My girl jumps in my arms, and I know that I made her forget we were in other people’s company. I beam with pride.
“Oh, I’m sorry …” She giggles, covering her bruised lips. “I just came by to bring Bowen lunch, but I have to get back to the library in like … well, actually now.”
“A girl who brings you lunch? I have to get me one of those.” Fletcher pouts.
I point my finger at him. “You have to get you no such thing. A year of sobriety, that means girls, too.”
We didn’t need him backsliding because an emotion as fickle as love got involved.
He produces something from his pocket. “I guess my ban is up, then. Got my one year chip the other day.”
“Fletcher! That is amazing.” Lily walks away from me to go envelop him in a hug.
“Wow, I … didn’t realize. I’m proud of you.” I nod at him.
“All right, I really do have to go, though. Just wanted to come see your face for a minute. I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” Lily crosses the room back toward me.
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” I pull her in once more, breathing a full lungful of her in. I have to have a hit to get me through the rest of my day.
I watch her all the way down the block, like a lovesick puppy standing at my shop windows waiting for her to return.
“You’ve got it bad.” Forrest pats my shoulder as he passes and walks out.
Fletcher salutes and follows his brother, and I’m alone.
They’re right … I do have it bad. Always have, always will, and I’m no longer afraid to admit that. In fact, I’m downright proud of it.
It’s as if everything that existed before, the hurt, secrets, heartbreak, loss … it all got erased that night in the gazebo. There was an unspoken agreement between Lily and me that from here on out, we were moving forward. The storm clouds that had occupied the space above our heads, and in our hearts, were finally gone.
And I might be riding the high of our makeup sex, which had been going strong for the last week, but this was the happiest I’d been in my entire life. Even more than our glory days when I still had a chance at going to the majors. This was better than that because this was real. Back then, we thought we were wild and free, but we didn’t know anything.
We were grown-ups now, and Lily and I could do whatever we wanted. Have sleepovers every night. Move in together. Get married. Have babies.
Of course, I hadn’t proposed all of those ideas yet, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t want to wait. Just as much as I didn’t want to wait.
We’d lost enough time. We had a lot of catching up to do.
39
Lily
The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving are chock full of quality time with Bowen.
Friday nights at the Fawn Hill movie theater, nighttime walks to our gazebo, Saturday mornings spent in bed and him driving me to work more than once or twice a week. We spend every night and day at each other’s houses, and by the Tuesday before the holiday, Bowen is trying to convince me to move in with him.
“But … I like my townhouse better. Look how cute it is. How about you just move in here?”
“Well, for starters, I have my punching bag set up in my basement. And I need that. Plus, I have more room.” He adjusts on the couch, pulling me farther into him.
Even though we are basically already laying on top of each other.
“I’m not crazy about your setup … and those floors, yuck.” I place a chaste kiss on his cheek.
Bowen shrugs. “So gut the place. Room by room. Do whatever you want. Just move in with me.”
I’m a little shocked as I turn to him. “You’d really let me do that?”
“Yes. All I care is that I go to sleep next to you every night and wake up to you every morning. I don’t care what the walls and carpets surrounding us look like. But if you do, then change them. I want you to be happy, that’s all I want.”
And because I’m saying yes to everything these days, especially when it comes to Bowen, I agree. “Okay. When can I move in?”
He jumps up. “Right now. Let’s go out and get some boxes.”
That makes me giggle. “Hold your horses, speed demon. I have to sell this place.”
“And you can move in with me while we list it. It’ll make it a hundred times easier to show if no one is living here. Come on!”
A sound from the front hallway has my words freezing in my throat. Because I can swear that sounds like a key.
Bowen’s eyes take in my body language, he hears the noise, and I watch him go into full protection mode. If I wasn’t so freaked out myself, I’d be in awe of this pure show of masculinity.
“Lily.”
I suck a breath in because the voice coming from the entryway of my townhouse is one I know.
Even if it’s one I never wanted to hear again.
“What are you doing here?” My tone is ice as I stand, and my father enters the living room.
He holds up one hand, a smug, almost condescending look on his face. “I just ca
me to talk.”
“He still has a key?” Bowen growls, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I forgot.” Which only makes me feel unsafe.
Imagine that? Feeling unsafe when it comes to your parent, your blood relative.
“Get out,” Bowen tells him now, moving in front of me.
Protecting me, as he has always tried to do.
“You get away from my daughter!” Dad sneers, rounding my coffee table and storming toward Bowen.
My father is not a man who likes to be told what to do, and from the moment he waltzed in here, uninvited, you could feel the shift in the air. He was looking for a fight.
“Dad! What are you doing?” I shout, trying to throw myself in front of the man I love.
“We had a deal, your father and I, and that doesn’t change because he dropped dead.” My father points his finger past my ear, straight into Bowen’s face.
Behind me, I hear Bowen snarl, and I can feel the fury rolling off him in scorching waves.
Finally, my father is admitting it. He wouldn’t do it in front of Mom when I went postal on them in their kitchen. No, he waited until he could sneak in and spook me. It spoke volumes about his character.
“That is horrible, how could you talk like that! After everything you’ve put us through.” I choke on the last few words.
“You should have just left us be. We’re happy … we love each other. Why has that always been so hard for you to accept?” Bowen’s hand laces through mine, and I instantly feel stronger.
“Keep your hands off her. The last time you couldn’t manage to, she almost died.” There is murder in my father’s eyes.
“Stop it! The deal is broken, it’s over. Do your worst, but don’t lie to him or me. We both know the truth. We’ve worked past the hurt, something you clearly can’t do and don’t want to. That accident was just that … an accident. Everything that happened after—my pain, heartbreak, years of unrequited love and so much damage done—that was on you. If anything died here, it was our relationship. Yours and mine.”
Forgiven: The Nash Brothers, Book Two Page 18