by Staci Haines
“Balls” is slang for the scrotum and testicles. The scrotum is the skin surrounding the testicles, two glands that produce both sperm and testosterone. The testicles range from the size of a grape to that of an egg. One usually hangs lower than the other, and they contract up closer to the body when a man is cold or aroused.
THE PROSTATE GLAND
The prostate gland is an internal organ located behind the pubic bone in front of the bladder. The urethra passes from the bladder through the prostate into the penis. This gland produces seminal fluids. I mention it because many men find prostate stimulation very pleasurable. Like G-spot stimulation in women, prostate stimulation may be too intense or painful for some. The prostate can be reached by inserting a finger or toy about three inches into the anus and pressing toward the front of the body. It is that old “come hither” motion again. If you are planning to play with your partner’s prostate, be sure to use a water-based lubricant, as the anus is not self-lubricating.
Female and Male Bodies
THE PC MUSCLE
The pubococcygeus muscle, or the PC muscle for short, runs from the pubic bone to the tailbone, surrounding the genitals in a figure eight. This is the muscle you squeeze to stop the flow of urine. It is also the muscle that involuntarily contracts with orgasm. Your PC muscle is important to your health and sexual satisfaction. A healthy and well-exercised PC muscle can keep you from being incontinent, increase your orgasmic pleasure, and help you be more embodied in your pelvis and genitals. You can also contract this muscle at will to play with your sexual pleasure.
Exercising this muscle is easy. Practice contracting the PC muscle by squeezing your genitals and anus inward ten times. Then bear down, pushing them outward ten times. Do this three time a day. These exercises are referred to as kegels. Doing your kegels will keep these muscles in good condition and increase your awareness of your genitals.
Doing kegels stirred up all kinds of anger for me initially. I would want to growl and kick. I guess it stirred up the stuff that was in my pelvis from the abuse.
Jackie
Exercising my PC muscle has given me more of a sense of control over my own genitals. It made them feel less separate from me. I realized that they were mine and I could move them and do something with them. It wasn’t just that things got done to them.
Kate
BREASTS
Both women and men can experience sexual pleasure in their breasts. When sexually aroused, many people’s nipples respond by becoming erect or hard. Some folks enjoy intense pressure and sensation on their nipples, while others like a softer touch or caress.
Many survivors report not having a lot of sensation in their breasts or nipples. If this is the case for you, you may be experiencing some numbing of sensation due to the abuse. Or, this may just be the way your body responds. If you want to explore this, bring your focus to your breasts. Breathe into your breasts. Lay your hands over your breasts. Feel the weight of your hands. What is there? Try touching your breasts with more or less pressure and creating different sensations. Aroused nipples can actually take quite a lot of pressure. Try pinching or squeezing harder (or ask your partner to do so). Try this on the nipple, or grab below the nipple on the areola. By practicing this, you may increase your sensitivity. You may also discover trauma related to your breasts.
I have very little sensation in my breasts. I think I can’t feel them because of the incest. When my husband touches them, I can’t feel it and I start to dissociate.
Sally
ANAL EROTICISM
The anus carries a lot of social taboo when it comes to sexual pleasure. Many folks think of the anus as dirty or painful and hold a lot of tension there. Whether or not you include anal eroticism in your sex life, learning to relax the anus enhances your health and allows for more sensation throughout the genital area. Just like the vulva and penis, the anus engorges with blood when sexually aroused and shares in the muscle contractions of orgasm.
ILLUSTRATION 4. Anal Anatomy
The anal opening is controlled by two rings of muscles called the sphincters. You can learn to relax and contract the external sphincter at will; the internal sphincter operates involuntarily, like blinking. Beyond these muscles is the rectum, an expandable canal six to nine inches in length, which is lined with a very soft tissue. This tissue is not as durable as vaginal tissue, and microscopic tears can happen during penetration. This makes practicing safer sex when engaging in anal eroticism all the more important.
The rectum ends in an S-shaped curve called the rectosigmoidal junction. Beyond this point is the sigmoid colon and the large intestine. Feces are stored on the intestine side of this S-curve. When you feel that you have to defecate, you are feeling pressure on the rectosigmoidal junction. Feces only pass through the rectum; they are not stored there. There are usually few traces left behind.
Unlike the vaginal canal, the anus leads directly into the internal organs of the body. If you are interested in using toys for anal penetration, it is vital to choose toys that have an expanded or flanged base that will not slip up into the rectum and potentially the large intestine. Lubricant is a must for anal penetration. More information on anal sex, cleanliness, lubrication, and anal penetration can be found in chapters 9 and 10 on oral sex and penetration.
Finally, the soft piece of skin between the vagina and anus in women, or between the scrotum and anus in men, is called the perineum. This is another area where you can enjoy pressure and touch.
Checking In
Take a minute to check in with yourself. How are you doing reading about sex and sexual anatomy? What are you feeling in your body? What are your automatic thoughts as you read through this chapter? Take a breath and a break, if need be.
Sexual Response Cycle
Your body goes through many physiological changes when sexually aroused and during orgasm. Masters and Johnson popularized the phrase “sexual response cycle” by somewhat arbitrarily organizing female and male physiological sexual responses into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
As per their definition, the excitement phase involves a general increase in body temperature, heart rate, and blood flow. The increased blood flow enlarges the lips, breasts, and genitals. Usually the body becomes more sensitive to stimulation and less sensitive to pain.
In the plateau stage, the blood flow and body temperature continue to increase. In women, the labia and clitoris enlarge and the uterus lifts, creating a ballooning effect in the vagina. The vagina also lubricates. In men, the increased blood flow creates an erection, and the testes and scrotum contract and lift. Men can also excrete a fluid called “pre-come.” Both women and men may experience erections in the nipples.
In the Masters and Johnson model, orgasm is the next stage. Orgasm is defined as a release of the sexual buildup in a series of muscular contractions. Orgasm releases the increased blood from the genital tissues. After orgasm comes resolution, when the body returns to a nonaroused state. The body cools, the heart rate drops again, and the blood flows out of the breasts and genitals, returning them to their at-rest state.
I offer this model as a description of the physiological changes that occur during sexual arousal. This is not a prescription for how sexual arousal should go or even does go; it is just one interpretation of how it might go. Your experience may sometimes match this model and other times not.
Other sexologists have categorized the stages of sexual arousal differently, trying to account for the more subjective experiences and social and cultural influences involved in sexual response. Some suggest including desire as a stage of sexual response. Another begins her model with willingness. In The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, Cathy Winks and Anne Semans speak of the overall fluidity of sexual response: “One can move from arousal to desire, from excitement to indifference, from boredom to passion, from orgasm to arousal and back again.”
I want to note particularly for survivors that with sexual stimulation this physiolo
gical response of arousal occurs whether or not the sex is consensual. So many survivors blame themselves or hate their bodies because they got aroused during the abuse. This response is involuntary. It is what your body does when stimulated. Physical pleasure makes the abuse all the more confusing. But remember that the fact that you became aroused does not mean you wanted to be abused, that the abuse was your fault, or that your body betrayed you.
Orgasm
An orgasm is one of those experiences that no one seems to exactly know how to describe. I have heard people say, “You’ll know when you have one,” which may be true but is not very helpful. Physiologically, an orgasm is an involuntary contraction of the muscles in the pelvic region, and the lower third of the vagina, that results from sexual stimulation.
Some women speak about a clitoral orgasm as distinct from a vaginal orgasm. Sometimes an orgasm is very localized around the clit or vagina, and other times it can be spread over the entire body. There is still much to be known about women’s sexuality, and even authoritative physiological texts disagree.
There are numerous books available on the subject of the female orgasm and techniques you can try to explore and enhance your orgasms. Again, the more you are able to relax and embody your pelvis and genitals, the more sensation you will have. Focusing your attention on your sensations and breathing down into your pelvis and genitals will help you increase your pleasure.
ORGASM AND EJACULATION
Contrary to popular belief, ejaculation and orgasm are separate physiological functions controlled by different nerve groups in the spine. This is true for both men and women. Although many people experience them simultaneously, neither G-spot ejaculation in women nor ejaculation in men necessarily correspond to an orgasm. One can learn to separate these functions with practice.
MULTIPLE ORGASMS
Yup, multiple orgasms are possible. Multiple orgasms are a series of orgasms, one following the next. Most of the time people experience a short rest moment in between orgasms and then continue onto the next. Some folks also talk about a continuous or extended orgasm. Annie Sprinkle teaches the one-hour orgasm in The Sluts and Goddesses Video Workshop. Both multiple orgasms and extended orgasms are learnable through practice. The first step is learning to be with the intensity of continuing stimulation once you have had an orgasm. Then, breathing deeply and rocking your pelvis, combined with stimulation that works for you, will show you the way.
ARE YOU PREORGASMIC?
Some women have never experienced an orgasm. Sex educators use the term preorgasmic to describe this state. We call it “preorgasmic” because we assume that women can learn to orgasm. Many women who are preorgasmic have not experienced the type of stimulation that works for their anatomy.
The majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Most women need continuous, steady, and sometimes rapid stimulation to come. Vibrators can be very useful when learning to orgasm. They create a faster and more intense stimulation than most people can muster with their fingers and also let you explore a variety of sensations.
Being preorgasmic can be linked to sexual trauma. You may carry a lot of tension in your pelvis and genitals, which makes it difficult to relax enough to orgasm. Most people think of orgasm as a tensing of the muscles, but the more you can relax, the better, since it can be difficult for the muscles to go from a very contracted state into an even more contracted state for orgasm. The more you breathe and relax your pelvic muscles, the easier it is to orgasm.
I can’t orgasm. I get really tight through my pelvis and seem on the verge forever. I just can’t get over the top.
Maria
Some survivors also feel shame, guilt, or other emotions that are a part of the sexual trauma connected to orgasm. You may want to avoid orgasm to avoid these feelings. Use the practices in chapter 11 to assist you in working through these triggers and held trauma.
If you are preorgasmic, I encourage you to explore orgasm on your own—not just with a partner—so that you can take your time without pressure or expectations. Most important, breathe as you begin to touch yourself. Notice when you want to hold your breath and relax again. Breathe down into your pelvis as if you could nourish the pelvic cavity and your genitals with oxygen. Allow yourself to move your hips. Do not hold yourself still; rock your hips forward and back, side to side, and around in a small circle. You may feel silly at first, but keep going. This is you getting to know you.
I encourage you to invest in a vibrator. You can try placing the vibrator directly on different places around your clit, vagina, perineum, and anus. Where are you the most sensitive? Where do you like more pressure and where less? Where is the most sensitive spot on your clit? If a vibrator is too intense initially, place a towel between you and it, or place the vibrator on the outside of your outer labia, letting the vibration pass through the folds of skin to the clitoris. Or try the vibrator on the back of your hand as you touch your clit with your fingers. As you find your most sensitive spots, stay with the feeling, and continue to breathe and rock. Keep bringing your attention into your body and genitals. Feel yourself. Be inside of yourself and your sensations. Make sure your internal conversation supports what you are doing rather than distracts you. Tell yourself that being turned on is great, that it is okay to relax and to have sexual pleasure. Tell yourself something sexy!
Again, you may find that working with your orgasm brings up emotions and images related to the sexual abuse. Our bodies can act as storage tanks for pieces of the abuse that we have not yet been able to fully feel or process. The emergence of these pieces of the past is part of your healing process. Your body is releasing trauma associated with, or held in, this part of your body. Go into and through these emotions, triggers, and memories. You may cry, get angry, or shake. Don’t worry. This is a normal part of the healing process.
THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG
While not preorgasmic, some women feel like it takes them too long to come to orgasm. But “too long” is relative. My first question would be, “Too long by whose standards?”
When we go to the movies, we see instantaneous sex. Two people meet, get turned on, make love, come simultaneously, and voila! It is over. Sex and orgasm are not like that in real life. A more typical sexual encounter involves talking, rearranging your bodies a number of times, laughing, at least one awkward moment, farting or trying not to, and so on. Sorry to burst your bubble, but my intent is to normalize sex. Yes, sex can be profound and powerful, just as other parts of our lives can be, but sex is also a normal aspect of the human experience. We bring the rest of our humanness with us when we are sexual.
So, back to orgasm taking “too long.” What you mean by too long? Is ten minutes too long? Is half an hour? What if you focused on reaching orgasm for three hours? What if your partner focused on your pleasure for three hours? How would that be? I find that most people’s time expectations for orgasm are too brief, particularly for women. What if you let yourself take more time than you are comfortable with? Try it.
If you would like to have the option of reaching orgasm more quickly, you can try using a vibrator; the intense stimulation can bring you to orgasm faster. The breathing and movement techniques described above will also help. Usually, tension in the pelvis and genitals delays orgasm. Move, relax, and breathe. If your partner is not touching you in a way that works, let her or him know that. Communicate what you like and show your partner how to do it. You’ll both be happier in the long run.
Last, if you feel like you come to the edge but cannot go over it, try shifting your internal focus. If you are focused on your clitoris, open up your focus to include the sensations throughout your pelvis and throughout the rest of your body. Often this can relax you enough to allow you to orgasm.
Gynecological Issues
Incest and childhood sexual abuse can cause a number of gynecological problems. Some survivors experience external or internal scarring from the abuse. Others have chronic yeast infections or sexually transmitt
ed diseases from the abuse. Still others have menstrual irregularities and pelvic or genital pain. If you have any chronic infections, menstrual difficulties, pain, or other concerns, please see a gynecologist. Eastern medicine, acupuncture, has shown to be very successful with gynecological issues as well. Before you take on the emotional angle of this work, please see a health practitioner to take care of any medical issues you may have.
I have had chronic yeast infections since I was seven and my stepfather started molesting me.
Kate
What I see with many survivors is a chronic holding or tension throughout the pelvis. Tensing and pulling away from abuse and intrusion is a natural response. It is an attempt to protect yourself and to get away. This tension can become habitual or chronic and cause other problems. I have seen survivors with ongoing yeast infections and medically unexplained pains that correlated to the ways they were abused.
Chronic tension or holding in the pelvis causes a constriction of blood flow through the area. Held tension and trauma in the body can also decrease your sensations. Some people talk about trauma as energy blocked or trapped in the pelvis. Put your attention into the sensations in your pelvis and ask yourself the following questions: What sensations can I feel in my pelvis and genitals? Are the sensations warm or cool? Does my pelvis feel blank or void? Do I feel any streaming or movement? What images or colors come to mind as I focus there? Does my pelvis feel connected to my legs? To my torso?