by Staci Haines
Janet
As you masturbate you can expect at some point to face deep emotions or triggers from the abuse. Know when this happens that you are healing. In the following chapters, you will find lots of tools and options for working with your triggers and emotions that emerge during masturbation and partner sex.
Now, on to the fun part!
Five Steps to Great Masturbation
You would think that masturbation would be self-explanatory, but, like anything else, it is a learned skill. There is an art to masturbation, and there are some basic moves that can make it more satisfying.
1. Breathe and Relax
As you touch yourself erotically, breathe. If you are touching your breasts or your belly, breathe into that area of your body. The breath helps you to be aware of the feelings and sensations there. When you are touching your vulva or clit, bring your breath all the way down into your pelvis. Imagine that you can breathe right into your vulva. Breathing helps to keep your body relaxed and uncontracted, thus letting you experience more feeling, sensation, and awareness of what is happening for you.
Breathing is particularly important for survivors. When we are afraid, we tighten our muscles and stop breathing. As you know, this is a great system for self-protection and helps numb sensation. For many survivors, this automatic response is still hooked up to being sexual or to masturbating. You may notice when you are sexual that you want to hold your breath or hold your muscles tight.
My jaws get incredibly tight when I masturbate. It’s like I get tighter as I get turned on.
Marianne
When you catch yourself getting tense, breathe and relax. Bring your attention back to the feelings in your body.
When you breathe and relax your body while you masturbate, you are communicating something new to your body—that it is safe to feel sexually turned on, that it is fine to get off and to enjoy pleasure. Relaxation communicates safety to your body on a very deep level.
When I speak of relaxation, I do not mean becoming passive or comatose. You can relax and be actively engaged at the same time. You can still have an orgasm when you are relaxed; in fact, your orgasms will be more intense.
2. Move Your Body
The second important practice in masturbating is to move your body. Move your hips, rock your pelvis, let your back arch and press, move your arms, legs, and head. Let your body move and express your sensations and feelings. This may be embarrassing at first, but it is invaluable to your sexual pleasure and healing.
Moving also assists you in not freezing up your body; and it increases the sensations and allows them to spread throughout your body. If you are preorgasmic, moving can assist you in freeing up your orgasm.
Moving can also stir up body memories. Because many of us were held down or pinned during the abuse, moving your body can begin to loosen these held memories. Moving tells your body that you have the say-so now, that you are no longer frozen or paralyzed. You can act on your own behalf.
I am at the point now where I love to move. I love to move with my honey and with just me. It makes me feel like I am free.
Jennifer
3. Make Some Noise
Making noise is the third great masturbation tool. You can start with breathing heavily, making noise on your exhalation. Let yourself “ooh” and “aahhh.” Groaning and moaning is good for you! Your voice is an integral part of your sexuality and your pleasure. Opening your throat and making noise helps keep your body open and relaxed. It keeps you breathing. If you are concerned about room-mates or neighbors listening in, soundproof your room as best you can. Play music. A towel at the base of the door can help to absorb sound. Masturbating in the shower can give you the privacy to use your voice freely.
4. Touch Your Whole Body
We often think of masturbation as simply getting off; and it can get very genitally focused. Attend to your whole body when you touch yourself. What kind of touch do you like on your legs or stomach? Do you like to touch your hair and face? Sexual energy moves throughout your entire body, not just your genitals. Explore its reaches.
Especially touch yourself in the places that feel the best and the places where you don’t want to go. Usually the places we want to ignore hold valuable healing and information. Touch your face, your feet, your calves, your back, your belly, your vulva, your breasts, your anus, your butt, inside your vagina, your G-spot, your cervix, your thighs, the backs of your thighs. Come to know your body as you would want your greatest love to know your body.
I got comfortable touching my vulva first, then my arms and stomach. My breasts took a lot longer; I got really sad there. I slowly kept adding one more piece of my body back into the equation.
Angela
5. Stay Present and Embodied
Being present while masturbating translates into being present with a sexual partner. Many survivors talk about being dissociated during sex, floating away and out of their bodies and feelings.
Use the tools in chapter 3 on dissociation while you masturbate. While masturbating, focus on the sensations in your body. Notice warmth, coolness, relaxation, tension, tingling, surges of energy, numbness, areas of your body that are pulsating, and other areas that feel blank or void. What are you feeling in your feet? How about your lower back?
You can also practice being present by saying out loud what you are feeling and thinking: “I am moving my arms, it feels good to me to move my hips, I am feeling ashamed, I am worrying that my dead grandma can see me, I feel wetness in my vagina and this is exciting to me, this is scary to me, I am afraid I am not supposed to be doing this…” You can practice being present with yourself by being present with your experience.
When you notice yourself floating away, making grocery lists, bring yourself back. Breathe, notice the sensations in your body and the room you are in. Remind yourself why you are masturbating and what you want to get out of it.
Explore these Five Steps to Great Masturbation. For contrast, try masturbating while you stay very still and breathe shallowly. Make noise and then stop. Notice the difference.
How to Touch Yourself
You can try stroking, tickling, firm grabbing, and squeezing. As you become aroused, you’ll find your body can take more intensity and firm touch. Experiment.
Here are some ideas for self-pleasuring:
• Massage yourself with warmed oil—don’t forget your head and your feet!
• Alternate light and firm strokes down the length of your body.
• Lightly pull on your pubic hair or press on your pubic bone.
• Brush a feather or soft fabric over your body.
• Squeeze your nipples between your fingers or press your breasts into your chest with the palms of your hand.
• Firmly grab your areola, pull, play, and twist. Lick your fingers and wet your nipples and breasts.
• Touch your vulva by resting your whole hand over your genitals, and play with pressure.
• Feel your perineum, the soft skin between your vagina and anus.
• Massage your outer labia between your thumb and forefingers. Do the same with your inner labia.
• Pull your clitoral hood back to feel your clit. Rub your clit in small circles or up and down where it is most sensitive. See if you like rubbing it with the flat of your fingers, the tips, or your thumb.
• Get into the shower or bath and use the water pressure to stimulate your clitoris.
• Press your fingers or a dildo into your vagina. What are the different textures? How do the different depths of your vagina feel?
• Stimulate your G-spot by pressing firmly into it with your fingers or a firm, slightly curved sex toy.
• Try a vibrator on your vulva, your clit, or your anus, or in your vagina.
• Masturbate by rubbing on the bed, a pillow, or a chair, or squeezing your legs together.
• Touch your anus on the outside. Explore the nerves there. Using water-based lubricant, explore the inside of your anus with y
our finger or a toy designed for anal play.
• Try nipple clips, dildos, a butt plug, or anal beads.
• Rub your arms and hands.
• Wrap your arms around yourself and hug yourself.
• Kiss your arms and knees.
A Masturbation Date
Set aside a regular time to be with yourself and masturbate. I suggest making a bimonthly date with yourself to discover and explore pleasure in your sexuality and your healing.
A self-pleasuring date might go like this:
Fix yourself your favorite dinner—just make sure you pick something that won’t put you to sleep! Or you might gather fruits, breads, and cheeses to nibble on while you play.
Create a beautiful ambiance, as you would for a lover. Put on music, get yourself some flowers, light candles. Make sure the room is warm enough. Get out sex toys (if you have them), water-based lubricant, or any erotica you may enjoy.
Remind yourself why you choose to masturbate. Maybe tonight your intention is to give yourself a lot of pleasure or to try a new toy. Another night your focus might be on healing a specific trigger.
Begin by stroking your whole body and breathing. Use your hands, velvet, a feather. Rub your head, feet, and calves. Touch yourself lightly and then more firmly. Spread lotion or a scented oil on your body.
Read an erotic story or poem you like. Pop your favorite video into the VCR.
Rock your hips, feeling the sensations spread throughout your body. Press your back into the bed or couch. Move around. Feel your whole body come alive.
Now touch your vulva. Press your hand against your clit. Tug on your pubic hair, and press your finger into your perineum. Touch your labia with one hand while the other strokes your stomach.
Rub your arms. Breathe deeply, letting the pleasure and relaxation in your body grow.
Tell yourself that you deserve this pleasure. Grant yourself permission. Remember that you are loved and loving yourself. Tell yourself how sexy you are!
Get out your vibrator and dildo. Wet the dildo with water-based lubricant and rub the tip of it around your vulva. Put the vibrator near the opening of your vagina and move slowly up toward your clit…
Now you make up the rest…
When you are ready to stop, stop.
Even if you got triggered, didn’t come, felt silly, or didn’t like that new sixty-dollar sex toy, give yourself some credit. You did it! Notice that you are well and that no harm came to you. Show yourself some appreciation!
Of course there are as many ways to masturbate as there are women. Your masturbation date may be more sensually focused, with no genital touching at all. Or you may orchestrate an elaborate S/M scene for one, with intense sensation play, numerous accoutrements, and imaginative fantasies. It’s up to you. Do what supports your sexual healing.
Sex Toys, Fantasies, and Porn
Using sex toys, reading erotica, and watching pornography are all popular masturbation options. Many people fantasize when masturbating. Some folks fantasize about people they know, others about strangers or acquaintances.
How I masturbate has really changed over time. I used to not masturbate.
Then I fantasized a lot about strangers or movie stars. I still like to do that, and
I also like now to float in the sensations of all of it. I fantasize about my girl-friend
now, too.
Jane
Be aware of how you are using fantasy and erotica. Are you enhancing your experience, bringing yourself into your body? Do your fantasies take you out of you body? Are they a way to escape yourself? You don’t have to stop fantasizing to change how fantasy works for you. See chapter 12 for more information on fantasizing.
Fantasy has always been big in my life. It gets me out of my distracting thoughts and past the road blocks to my sexual response.
Terri
Compulsive Masturbation
Some survivors compulsively masturbate to fill needs that aren’t necessarily sexual. You may masturbate to calm down or to deal with intense emotion. You may masturbate when you feel angry or afraid, or when you feel uncomfortably close to someone. Compulsively masturbating can be a way to try to temper or shut down emotions related to the abuse.
Sometimes incessant masturbating is a natural stage of healing. If you are masturbating more than you are comfortable with, check in with yourself. If you could have anything at all right now, what would it be? Do you want to masturbate? Do you want to be held? Are you hungry? Are you scared? If you want to masturbate, go ahead. If you need something else, give yourself that.
I masturbated incessantly during one part of my healing. I masturbated to memories and images of the abuse. Then when I was ready, it shifted. I didn’t feel manic about it anymore and the abuse fantasies had lost their attraction.
Rosa
Mutual Masturbation
Mutual masturbation is masturbating with another person. One of you can masturbate while the other watches, or you can both masturbate together. There are numerous benefits to mutual masturbation. It is one of the best ways to show your partner how you liked to be touched. Some things are easier to show than to tell. You can find out what turns your partner on. Mutual masturbation can also let you play at being a voyeur or an exhibitionist, and it is the most foolproof form of safer sex.
For many, the thought of masturbating with someone else is inconceivable. Even in long-term marriages and partnerships, many people don’t know how or how often their partners masturbate.
I think of masturbation as private. I would be embarrassed to reveal that much of myself.
Evelyn
For me it feels safer to masturbate with a new lover before we are sexual with each other. In the past I have been sexual with anyone who showed any interest whether I wanted to or not. This approach forces me to communicate with a lover first, to get to know him better, and then to see if I want to really be sexual with him.
Marty
Mutual masturbation is a wonderful option when one of you does not want to have partner sex but you both still want to be sexually intimate.
My girlfriend and I are both incest survivors. We have not always been on the same timeline when it came to our recovery and sex. One thing we came up with when one of us did not want to have sex for a while was to hold the other one while she masturbated. This became a way for us to keep sex in our relationship during harder parts of the healing.
JR
Many people, survivors included, find watching or being watched a big turn-on. It can be very exciting to watch your partner pleasure himself or herself in front of you, or to get your partner all turned on by watching you.
I love getting my lover all hot just by watching me masturbate. I don’t let him touch me until I say he can, no matter how steamy he gets. It is a great game.
Aurora
Sex Guide Exercises
1. Explore your beliefs about masturbation. What did you learn about masturbation? Who or what taught you that? If you could decide what masturbation is for you, what would you say?
2. Make a list of the top ten reasons to masturbate. How could it serve you and your sexual healing?
3. Create a Masturbation Discovery Log. Write down what you find you like and don’t like. What works for you? What comes up as you masturbate? How do you feel in your body? How are you using masturbation to heal?
chapter seven
Consent and Boundaries: The “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” of Sex
Boundaries are confusing. I am not really sure when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” I mostly just follow the other person’s lead in sex. Maybe they know what they want.
Jackie
I painstakingly came to realize that respecting my own boundaries around sex, saying “no” when I didn’t want to have sex, and initiating sex when I did want it, was the fastest way for me to heal sexually.
Rebecca
What Is Consent?
Consent is the ability to choose, based on your
own internal experience, what you want physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually, and then to communicate those wants. Consent is an ongoing process of making choices. This is what therapists mean when they talk about being “at choice.” You can consent to one thing and not to another, or change your mind at any point in a sexual encounter. Between “yes” and “no,” there is a huge territory, which I call the land of “maybe.” “Maybe” is where you will do most of your work with boundaries.
To practice consent, you need to be in touch with the bodily sensations that let you know what you do and do not want. You need to know what you like sexually. You need enough information to make a decision that serves your interests. Finally, you need to know how to communicate your consent to your partners.
You can be hot and heavy into kissing, decide you are done for now, and choose to stop. You can be in the middle of oral sex and decide that you do not want to continue. You can say “maybe” to penetration, and later decide you do want to try it. You can say “yes” to sex as often as you like. You can ask for your stomach to be touched and your hips not. What you said “no” to last time might be a “yes” this time, and vice versa. This is a radical concept to most people, especially to survivors of childhood sexual abuse.