by Staci Haines
Whether you are engaging with a new sexual partner or someone you have been with for years, have a conversation about sex before you play. Choose a relaxed environment, not the bedroom or your usual sexual setting. The kitchen table can be a good spot. Or, take a drive or a walk. Talk with your partner about what you want, what you do not want, and where you feel there is room for exploring. Now is the time to talk about your criteria for safer sex. You can also use this time to bring up something you might like to change about your sex together. Ask the questions that are important to you, and find out about your partner’s needs, limits, and desires. Together you can negotiate sex that will be satisfying for both of you.
I was embarrassed to talk about my boundaries and ask questions before I was sexual. I felt like it would put a damper on the spontaneity of our attraction. It ended up being more of a turn-on, though, and I felt so much more comfortable talking during sex, too.
Tracy
Depending upon your level of intimacy with your partner, you can also choose to talk about how to handle any triggers that may come up during sex. You can tell her or him what you are like when you dissociate and what kind of support would be helpful. Chapter 11 discusses developing a trigger plan for sex that you can use as a template for this conversation.
Long-term partners may think that they know each other well enough to skip these conversations. I have found, however, that this is not usually the case. Partners can learn an amazing amount of new information about each other. If you are in a long-term marriage or partnership, what have you not told your partner about sex? How would you like to change or develop your sex life? What could you discover about your partner?
Response from Others
Whether or not your sexual partner is happy with your sexual boundaries or agrees with your sexual choices, you get to have them. Your needs and desires do not require someone else’s permission. For many survivors, this is a difficult concept.
It’s automatic for me. If I have a boundary that my lover doesn’t like, I start figuring out how to change it, how to fit me to what he wants.
Janet
As a survivor, you may be unfamiliar with having your sexual boundaries noticed, let alone respected. One workshop participant said, “I think I fight more than I need to about sex. I assume that my boyfriend wants me to do things I don’t want to do. When I check it out with him, that’s not really true.”
Whatever the response, you are free to make your own decisions and take the action necessary to back them up. As an adult, you can act on your own behalf in ways that you could not as a child when you were powerless to stop the abuse.
If your sexual partner does not respect your boundaries, you can take action to protect yourself. You have a number of options.
You can restate your boundary and a consequence for it not being respected: “I want to use a condom when we have sex. If you are unwilling to do that, I won’t have sex with you.”
You can leave the sexual situation in order to talk in a nonsexual setting: “I want to talk to you about this more, but outside of bed. I’m going to put my clothes on and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
You can leave the situation altogether: “This is not okay for me. I am leaving now.”
If your partner is uncomfortable with your sexual choices, she or he may try to make you feel bad about your desires. You do not have to collapse into your partner’s opinion or mold yourself to fit his or her values. Again, you have options.
You can ask your partner to read sex education books or watch educational videos to learn more about the type of sex you are interested in.
You can invite your partner to explore new territory together.
You can also choose to change the nature of your relationship and engage sexually with someone else who shares your sexual interests. You get to create the sex life that works for you!
When you chose sexual partners, pay attention to their willingness to support your boundaries. Are they able to encourage your sexual desires even if your desires are different from their own? Remember, actions speak louder than words.
Do you respect your own boundaries and sexual desires? Do you edit your needs or think of yourself as bad for having your desires? Practice respecting yourself as you ask others to respect you.
Healthy Risks
Healthy risks are choices that take into account both your well-being and your desire for growth. Pushing up against old limitations in order to allow more pleasure and choice into your sex life is key to sexual healing. Healthy risks push you past your comfort zone without challenging you beyond what you can handle.
Sexual healing is a step-by-step process for me. I push through a barrier, usually
feeling terrified, get to a new plateau, then push through another barrier.
It reminds me of the tortoise and the hare; slow but steady wins the race.
Laurie
Many survivors say that they just want sex to feel safe. Unfortunately, having as your goal sex that is unthreatening and comfortable will keep you stuck. Because of the nature of sexual abuse and trauma, as you heal sexually, you will necessarily pass through times of discomfort and fear. As you take healthy risks that increase your pleasure and your choices, you will feel all the old fear, loss, and anger. This is normal. With each new sensation you allow yourself to feel, your sexuality will be freed from the control of sexual abuse.
I think healing means feeling good. I start to feel bad and I think I must be back-sliding.
My group tells me it is the opposite—that I will feel worse at times when
I am getting better. It’s like cleaning out a wound.
Marianne
What is your default behavior? Do you automatically say “no” to sex? Or do you say “yes” without asking yourself whether you even want it?
If you are more likely to say “no” to sex or new sexual experiences, taking a healthy risk may mean pushing the envelope. What is one risk you can take sexually that will bring more freedom and choice into your sex life? You may want to risk buying some sexy clothes, and even wearing them on a date. Maybe you can risk initiating a sexual experience of your own design, or even a conversation with your lover about sex. What will expand the constraints on your sexual expression, while not pushing you beyond what you can handle?
If you are more likely to say “yes” and have a harder time finding “no,” a healthy risk for you may be setting a sexual boundary. You might risk not having sex if you don’t want to—when you might have otherwise talked yourself into it. You might say “no” to a new sexual experience that would push you too far. Maybe you could have a conversation with your lover about your boundaries. What would you say “no” to if you could say “no” to anything without any negative consequences?
Sex Guide Exercises
1. Consider two consensual sexual experiences you’ve had. What sensations and signals in your body, emotions, and thought process let you know they were consensual?
2. Consider two nonconsensual sexual experiences. What sensations and signals in your body, emotions, and thought process let you know they were nonconsensual? Did you dissociate? When and how?
3. Practice saying your “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” about sex out loud: “I would like to ________.” “I might like to ___________. I do not know if I want to __________.” “No, I do not want to ___________.” Fill in the blanks with your own sexual desires and boundaries. Start by saying these out loud to yourself, then try practicing with a friend. It gets easier quickly with a little practice.
4. Consider two healthy sexual risks. How will these risks serve your sexual healing? Who can support you in taking these risks? How can you take care of yourself in the process?
5. What forms of safer sex do you use? What is your risk level for contracting a sexually transmitted disease? What are your standards for safer sex in your sexual relationships?
chapter eight
Partner Sex
Sex with my l
over can be the most pleasurable or the most terrifying experience.
Aurora
Sex with a partner can be a way to connect deeply with another human being, to get off, or to be silly or playful. Sex can even be a way to heal. The purpose of sex is not necessarily penetration or orgasm; you can have great sex without either one. Nor is sex limited to vaginal penetration of a woman by a man—fine as that might be. Sex can involve kissing, touching, oral sex, anal sex, holding, S/M—or any of the above. Sex is really what you want it to be. Sex is now up to you, your desires, and your creativity.
Like masturbation, good partner sex takes practice and learning. Most of us get very little quality information about sex, yet we assume we are supposed to know magically how to do it. With quality information and a willingness to experiment, you can create the sex life you desire.
I learned so much being exposed to the sex-positive community. Suddenly I knew all this neat stuff about sex. Now I have words to use, and ideas to try out.
Terri
Of course, partner sex can bring up old feelings, sensations, and triggers about your past sexual abuse. While this can be painful and frustrating, it can also be one of the most wonderful opportunities for healing.
My sex life has expanded by doing this healing work. I used to think sex was about intercourse and then it was over. I like things that I never knew I would, like giving head and anal sex. Now I am learning about tantra, and I’ve even tried phone sex.
Naomi
The Good, the Bad, and…the Pleasurable?
I have found that most survivors of childhood sexual abuse, no matter what their sexual preference or orientation, feel that what they do sexually is somehow wrong, deficient, perverted, or just plain bad. Sound familiar? Survivors I have worked with are concerned that the abuse has made them too sexually expressive, not sexually expressive enough, too conventional, or gay!
There are many connections between childhood sexual abuse and your sexual choices and problems. Perhaps most problematic is this belief that no matter what you want or don’t want, you are bad. This feeling of being bad is a result of the abuse, which caused you to internalize shame and self-blame. Many survivors do not give themselves permission to explore sexually for this reason. Contrary to your beliefs, your sexuality is not bad and you did nothing wrong.
Each time I would go out on a limb and enjoy myself sexually, I would feel like
I had been too wild, or too expressive, and I would try to tone it down. I am
really very conventional about sex, so I don’t know what I felt was so wrong,
besides the sheer fact of enjoying it.
Evelyn
I express myself sexually in lots of ways that are unconventional. I am into
S/M and I am bisexual. I have felt bad about this, like I am fucked up, or
wrong. I have worked on just accepting me—accepting that what turns me on
turns me on and I like what I like.
Janie
I blather on about how much I want joy and sex in my life; then when I get it,
I turn around and run screaming in the other direction.
Maria
Your Sex Basics Checklist
So how do you determine when sex is good for you? When it’s okay to follow your desires? Or even whom to have sex with? There are basic principles you can follow that can help you establish a healthy basis for your sexuality. You can use the following checklist to help you consider the sex you are having, or are interested in having, or to help steer yourself through confusing turns or triggers in a sexual encounter.
1. BREATHE.
Are you breathing? Is your breath shallow or filling your belly and chest? Breathe while you are talking about sex or even thinking about sex. This way, you’ll get into the habit of being relaxed and present when being sexual.
2. STAY IN YOUR BODY.
Can you feel sensations in your chest, arms, and legs? Move around if you need to. Feeling your body becomes your reference point for knowing what you want and where your boundaries are.
3. BE PRESENT.
Are you in the room? Notice your surroundings. Are you present with yourself? What is your mood, what are your thoughts? Remind yourself, Here I am, I am here. Are you present with your partner? Notice your partner. Look at her or him. Your partner is there with you.
4. PRACTICE CONSENSUAL SEX.
Is this sex consensual for all parties? Do you want to be doing what you are doing? Remember, you can be afraid and still want to engage in sex. And you can feel aroused physically even when you are doing something you don’t want to be doing. Ask yourself if your decision to be sexual is based upon your own needs and desires. That is the place to say “yes” from. Remember that “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” are all valid responses to any given sexual situation.
5. ENSURE YOUR SAFETY.
Check your physical, mental, and emotional safety. Are you sober and drug-free? Is your partner? Are you in a place that is safe for you? You may feel afraid if you are triggered or if you are taking a risk sexually, but this is different from being unsafe. Do you have the power in the current situation to take care of yourself, to ensure your own well-being physically, emotionally, and sexually? If the answer is “yes,” then you are most likely in a safe situation.
6. PRACTICE SAFER SEX.
Have you assessed your risk for sexually transmitted diseases with your partner? Are you acting on this information, using safer-sex measures? If your partner refuses to practice safer sex, he or she does not get to have the wonderful opportunity to be sexual with you. Period.
As you can see, this checklist is not about whether it’s okay to like bondage, or kissing, or having sex with more than one person at a time. You can decide what is acceptable and enjoyable for you. Who else would know that? What this checklist will do is help you build an embodied, self-referential sexuality, one in which you are in your body, present for the experience, and doing what you love, enjoy, like, and want, based upon your own needs. What a concept, huh?
Mistakes
Using this approach will mean exploring. You may be in your body and breathing during sex for the first time. This can be a strange and unfamiliar experience. You will probably make mistakes along the way, even do things you realize later that you didn’t want to do. As when learning anything new, you’ll get better at partner sex with practice. Your mistakes are an essential part of the learning process.
I had sex with a woman when I didn’t want to. She sucked on my breasts in a way that really triggered me, and I didn’t tell her to stop. I took the “bear it till it’s over” approach. I felt horrible for days. I felt like I had betrayed myself, my little girl, in a way I’d promised I never would. I finally dealt with it by apologizing to myself and holding my breasts tenderly, washing the experience out of them. I realized I am learning. Although I have been so sexualized, I have had little sex that was about and for me.
Kathy
Choosing Sexual Partners
You can choose your partners based upon your desires, needs, and values. Can your prospective partner give you what you are looking for in a sexual partnership? Do you want a fling, someone to date, a lover, or a life partner? Do you care if your partner is sexual with others? Do you want to be sexual with others as well? Do you want an emotionally intimate relationship? Does this person have the capacity for that? Does this person like tantra, S/M, lunchtime quickies, tender evenings of lovemaking, or any other form of sexual expression you may prefer? Do you want to invite your partner to be involved in your sexual healing? Will you tell him or her about your abuse? These are questions to ask yourself and to talk about with your partner.
I never thought much about what I wanted from a lover. I’d just be attracted to someone, or more often, someone would ask me out and I’d go. I’d have sex with them until I realized I didn’t necessarily like it—or until it would just end.
Marie
What do I want from a lover? This is
a good question. I have been involved with a number of people with whom I wasn’t sexually compatible. I am just now saying this is a priority for me.
Rain
When you enter into a new sexual relationship, notice whether your partner’s behavior matches his or her words. Behavior is the proof in the pudding. What does this mean? It means knowing what you want and watching to see if the other person can offer it to you. This is not a test but rather a way of being awake to the potential (and limitations) of the relationship.
Talk about what you want, talk about what your partner wants, and watch your partner’s and your own behavior. Your intentions for caring for each other may be fabulous, but your behavior will reveal what you each are able to give and receive right now.
Many survivors build relationships on hope and projection, settling for a fraction of what they want because at least it is something. When you are used to being mistreated, or unused to being loved and cared for, a little can look like a lot. Keep returning to your heart’s desires. Don’t be afraid to hope for your wildest dreams. Your dreams may not come true in exactly the form you expect, but they will serve as a guide to better choices. The more good things you expect for yourself, the more you can align your actions with your dreams, and the more likely you are to get what you want.