The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  No fantasy is inherently “bad.” There are no “right” or “wrong” fantasies. Instead of labeling your fantasy, consider whether it affects you positively or negatively.

  Invent a Fantasy

  Invent a fantasy right now. Go with whatever comes to mind that feels erotic to you. Where does your fantasy take place? What is the environment like? Who are the characters in your fantasy? Notice the sensations in your body as your story unfolds. What are you doing? What is the buildup? What kind of sex do you have? What about this fantasy turns you on?

  I have only two concerns about fantasies. First, do you check out when you have the fantasy? Don’t use fantasies to avoid being present with yourself or your partner. You don’t want to practice being disembodied or dissociated when you are sexual. In fact, rather than a way to get out of a sexual encounter, fantasies can be a different way to be present and embodied. Being embodied can make your fantasy life all the richer.

  My second concern is that you have more than one fantasy in your repertoire. Do you have only one fantasy? Is that fantasy the only way you can get off? Although such a fantasy often will closely resemble the dynamics of the abuse, the content is of less concern to me than the fact of being stuck in one fantasy that is replayed over and over. Part of healing is allowing more flexibility in your thinking and more freedom in your choices. Treat an intrusive fantasy that disturbs you as you would a trigger. Use the tools in chapter ll for help.

  Of course, survivors do use fantasies to work through abuse dynamics and memories. I have found that survivors are amazingly creative with this type of sexual fantasy.

  I have this long-standing jail fantasy. There is a man behind bars and I go up

  to the bars and make him suck my dick. (I don’t have a dick in real life, but in

  my fantasies I do.) He likes it, but I have the control. I don’t let him stop until

  I want him to. I get off and leave him there. I think this fantasy has helped me

  get a lot of my power back from my brother and his abuse.

  Marie

  Sex Guide Exercises

  1. What would you like to learn about S/M, role-playing, and fantasies?

  2. If you are interested in S/M, brainstorm a list of activities, roles, or scenes you would be interested in.

  3. If you are interested in role-playing, create a list of characters you would find erotic or intriguing to play with.

  chapter fourteen

  Sex Toys and Accoutrements

  There are lots of ways to play sexually and lots of toys to play with. Sex toys can add a new dimension to your sex life. Sex toys can allow you to be in more places at once, or even add anatomy that you do not normally have! Many women prefer to orgasm with vibrators, too.

  The first time I put on a dildo and harness I found it so empowering. It was like “Look! I have this and both hands!” I also got that guys must feel vulnerable walking around with their genitals hanging on the outside.

  Stephanie

  You may have gotten the idea that sex toys are weird or perverted. Who knew that they have been used cross-culturally for centuries? Sex toys offer just another set of possibilities for your sexual pleasure.

  Until recently, you most likely bought your sex toys at a porn shop or adult novelty store that catered primarily to men. While some folks like the explicitly sexual aura of these stores, others find the atmosphere very uncomfortable. Some men patronizing these shops can be surprised to see women shopping there.

  Luckily, more women-run sex stores are opening in the United States, Canada, and Europe. Most of these stores offer sex-positive sex information right alongside quality toys and books on sex. You can find supportive, sex-positive sex toy stores in London, New York, Boston, Northampton, Toronto, Madison, Austin, San Francisco, Berkeley, Seattle, Vancouver and other cities. I have listed a number of these shops in the Resources section, as well as mail-order companies. You do not have to live in a large urban center to have access to quality sex toys and information.

  Truly, this is a great time to be interested in sex toys. More quality toys are available, many of them designed and produced by women. Vixen Creations, a woman-owned company based in San Francisco, has become one of the largest producers of high-quality silicone dildos and butt plugs. Stormy Leather, another woman-owned company in San Francisco, specializes in leather dildo harnesses, erotic clothing, and S/M paraphernalia. Of course, Good Vibrations, the original “clean well-lighted place to buy sex toys,” is still serving men and women with great success in San Francisco and Berkeley, as well as on the Web.

  Vibrators

  Vibrators were initially used by the medical profession to cure “female troubles,” also called “hysteria” and considered to be a disturbance of the womb. Doctors used the vibrator to assist in medical massages aimed at causing “hysterical paroxysm” or orgasm in women. Hmmmmm.

  The late 1800s produced a steam power massager, and by the early 1900s, numerous vibrating massagers were available to physicians along with textbooks on vibratory massage techniques. By this time, vibrators were seen as a cure for numerous ailments in both men and women. Until the end of the 1920s, vibrators could be purchased as home appliances for pleasure and health. The use of the massager for medical purposes declined with its appearance in porn films in the late 1920s. From then until the 1970s, vibrators were not advertised for their sexual uses. Many are still sold as back massagers, with no reference to their erotic uses.

  Battery-Operated and Electric Vibrators

  You can choose from electric and battery-operated vibrators. Battery-operated vibrators tend to be smaller and shaped like a long cucumber. The vibration of battery-operated devices tend to be weaker, and the quality of the products is not quite as reliable. They’re great when you do not have an electrical outlet handy. Battery-operated vibrators will last anywhere from one to nine months, depending upon use.

  Electric vibrators, on the other hand, are higher-quality devices and can last for years. There are two types of electric or plug-in vibrators: coil operated and motor driven. Coil-operated vibrators tend to be smaller and a bit quieter, with a subtler vibration than that of the motor-run models. Motor-run vibrators are good for folks who like more stimulation. The vibration is stronger and the device a bit larger.

  ILLUSTRATION 5. Vibrators

  Some folks complain that the cord gets in the way when using an electric vibrator. If you invest in an electric vibrator, buy an extension cord as well. This gives you more room for movement, and you do not have to have sex right next to the wall socket.

  There are now rechargeable electric vibrators. Depending on the model, these vibrators will hold their charge from thirty minutes to a few hours. You then need to plug them in again for two to six hours to recharge them.

  You may recognize some of the brand names of vibrators from your kitchen appliances. Oster, Sunbeam, and Hitachi make high-quality vibrators. They are packaged as massagers and can be found in higher-quality sex stores as well as general department stores.

  Vibrator Attachments

  Various attachments are available for electric vibrators. They are generally soft and pliable and fit over the head of the motor-driven vibrators and on the attachment stem of coil-operated vibrators. Some of the attachments are designed to focus the vibration on a smaller spot (the clittickler), for penetration (the G-SPOTTER), or for stimulating the head of the penis (the come cup). The attachments can add versatility to the toy.

  A few opinions about these attachments: The nerves within the vaginal passage respond more to movement and pressure than to vibration. While some women like to use vibrators vaginally, do not be disappointed if this is not a big “wow” for you. If you use a vibrator vaginally, keep in mind that the lower third of the vagina tends to be the most responsive to vibration. Also, quite a bit of pressure is needed to stimulate the G-spot, and most attachments are too soft for G-spot stimulation.

  Your anus is well suited to enjoying vibratio
n. But if you are using an attachment for anal stimulation, make sure it has a flanged base. That is, the base must be wider than the end being inserted; this prevents the toy from accidentally slipping into the anal canal. Unlike the vagina, which is a closed system, the anal canal leads directly into the large intestine and into your body. A better bet for anal vibration is to insert a dildo, butt plug, or fingers into the rectum and press a vibrator into the base of the toy or the palm of your hand. The vibration will then be transmitted through the toy or your hand.

  Dildos and Harnesses

  Dildos are sex toys designed for penetration and are used by both men and women for sexual pleasure. You can use them vaginally or anally or both. Most dildos are made of silicone or plastic materials, and they come in various sizes and shapes, including penises, goddess figurines, dolphins, and nondescript shapes of various lengths and thicknesses.

  Silicone dildos are of much higher quality than their plastic counterparts. Silicone is a nonporous material, so dirt and bacteria cannot work their way into your dildo. You can sterilize silicone dildos by boiling them for up to five minutes. Silicone is easy to warm before use by placing it in a hot bowl of water or running it under warm tap water. It will also absorb your body’s heat with use. Silicone tends to have a smoother texture and to slide more easily, although you will still need to use a water-based lubricant, as with all dildos. As long as you keep sharp objects away from your silicone dildo (including the teeth and claws of curious dogs and cats!), it will last a long time. If the seal of the surface is cut or broken, silicone will crumble.

  The benefits of plastic dildos lie primarily in price; for the most part, they are less expensive than silicone. Plastic dildos also tend to be available in larger models, for you size queens! The plastic materials are porous and can get dirty quickly. I recommend using condoms over plastic dildos even when using them with yourself. You’ll have a much better chance of keeping them clean longer. Plastic dildos come in various textures and looks; the most “realistic” styles, those resembling a penis with balls, are made of this material.

  So, why use dildos? Some women like the feel of a dildo better than a hand or penis. Some use dildos so they can be filled up both anally and vaginally at the same time. Dildos can be used when masturbating or when your partner is tired. You can pick the dildo of the exact size that fits you, which you can’t do with your partner’s hand or penis. You may want to be penetrated with something much larger (or smaller) than what nature can provide. Finally, with a dildo, you, too, can be endowed with the anatomy to penetrate your partners, whether you are sexual with men or with women.

  Dildos can be used by hand or secured with a harness. Most harnesses are designed to wear around your hips, through a newer thigh harness is growing in popularity. Most harnesses are made of leather which tends to be soft on the skin, secure, and durable. Harnesses are also available in a neoprene and webbing design, for folks who do not like leather. These are less expensive, too.

  ILLUSTRATION 6. Dildos and Harnesses

  The two main hip harness designs are distinguished by the number of straps holding them to your body. One style has a center strap that runs between your legs, like a G-string. This model can give the harness wearer clitoral stimulation. The second style has two straps that ride around the outside of each buttock and hip, like a jock-strap. These harnesses provide easier access to the genitals of the wearer.

  Certain harnesses accommodate dildos with balls better than others. These have two straps that slide freely around the center ring used to secure the dildo, allowing you to arrange the straps around the balls on the dildo. This style of harness best accommodates men, allowing room for the penis to be tucked to the side comfortably. A man may strap one on if he has an erectile dysfunction, if he wants to keep playing after having come, if his partner wants to go longer than he can last, or for variety in width and length.

  Harnesses with a piece of leather or cloth behind the base of the dildo are more comfortable for the harness wearer. The dildo does not end up pulling on your pubic hairs.

  There are also thigh harnesses that you strap around your leg. Most often these are made of leather with wide bands of Velcro used to secure the harness. Thigh harnesses gives you new variety in positions and let you use the strength of your leg in penetration instead of your hips. You and your partner can each wear a thigh harness for simultaneous penetration. They can be used for vaginal and anal penetration.

  Anal Toys

  There are two rules when using toys for anal play; use lubrication and select a toy with a wide flanged base that will prevent it from sliding up inside of you or your partner.

  Anal toys come in all shapes and sizes and in a variety of materials. There are butt plugs, dildos, anal vibrators, and anal beads. Butt plugs are wide in the middle and thinner at the end (of course, the base is wide enough to prevent the plug from slipping in). The idea is that the sphincter muscles can close around the plug, securing it in place. You can leave a plug in as you enjoy a variety of sexual activities. Placing a vibrator on the base of a butt plug can transmit vibrations into your rectum. This can feel great for many folks. Butt plugs are not designed for thrusting in and out of the anus; dildos are better for that.

  Dildos are great for anal penetration. The idea is to choose the length and width that will be most enjoyable for you. Unlike a butt plug, a dildo will not stay secured in the anus without pressure. Dildos can be used by hand or with a harness. If you have not played much anally, start small so that you can experiment and learn how to relax your sphincter muscles. A good way to judge the desired width of an anal toy is to see how many fingers feel comfortable for you and use that as your guide.

  Vibrators that are designed for anal use stimulate the very sensitive nerve endings in the anus. They can vibrate or twist and turn. Make sure you choose a quality toy for anal vibration, with plenty of material covering the internal moving parts. Some toys marketed for anal play are too shoddy to use safely.

  Anal beads are pretty much what they sound like: a string of beads with a round hook or handle of some kind on one end. The beads are made of hard plastic or silicone, and come in a variety of sizes. Cheaper ones may have rough edges; use a nail file to smooth down any roughness that may injure your anal tissues. Many women and men sing the praises of anal beads, inserting them one at a time and then pulling them out during orgasm.

  ILLUSTRATION 7. Anal Toys

  Lubricants

  Use a water-based lubricant with all of your toys. Lubricants will make sex play with dildos more pleasurable, and with anal toys they are a must. Some people prefer oil-based lubricants for anal play, because they don’t evaporate with use. Remember that oils break down latex, so you should not use oil-based lubricants with latex condoms or gloves. Also, avoid getting oils in or near the vagina. Oils are hard for the natural cleansing mechanisms of the vagina to break down and may cause an infection. You can rehydrate water-based lubricants by adding water as you play. Placing some water or a spritzer bottle near your play space makes this easy.

  Lubricants saved my sex life. I thought I was damaged and broken because I never got very wet. I guess I just don’t make a lot of juice. Lube is easy and works, and I don’t feel like I am flawed.

  Daren

  Love Potions

  There are lots of love potions on the market. Some claim they will enhance your sexual prowess, others that they will make you “last” longer. Mostly these are marketing strategies to interest you in the product. The biggest distinction is between those love potions that are edible and those that are not. The edible love potions will say so on the label; they are intended to be rubbed onto your partner’s body and then licked or eaten off. You’ll find hot and spicy flavors, fruit treats, and tubs of chocolate potions. Those that include more natural ingredients (i.e., have ingredients with words you can recognize) tend to be the most flavorful.

  A number of love potions are made to cause sensations: they may be hot to t
he skin or heat up with rubbing. Kama Sutra makes a balm that has a slight, short-term numbing effect. This can be useful for people with very sensitive nipples.

  You can make your own potions by adding scents and flavors to massage oil. You can play with edible spreads—from fruits to chocolate, from whipped cream to honey.

  S/M and Bondage Toys

  S/M and bondage toys include body harnesses, restraints, whips, canes, blindfolds, gags, collars, and erotic clothing—to name but a few. Much S/M and bondage gear is made of leather, latex, or PVC, which is a shiny vinyl. Some folks like to dress up in S/M fetish gear, even though they are not S/M practitioners.

  If you are interested in this type of sexual expression, educate yourself. Because S/M can involve physical intensity and pain, it is important that you be skilled in what you are doing with S/M toys. Whips, ropes, and other toys can do harm in the hands of an uninformed player. It is up to you to learn how to play safely. Most S/M organizations offer workshops on basic safety, and books like The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book offer friendly instruction. See the Resources for more information.