by Staci Haines
When selecting S/M gear, be aware of the intensity of sensation your new toy will produce. If you are interested in nipple clamps, for example, the tweezer and alligator clips are adjustable and will give you some control over the intensity of the sensation. The tweezer style accommodates larger nipples. Marquis d’Clips and clothespins are nonadjustable; they provide much more intense sensation. The most intense sensation comes when the nipple clamps are removed.
Let’s use whips as another example. There are various styles of whips with different names, made of leather, deer skin, rubber, and other materials, each creating a different sensation. Floggers are shorter whips made of many strands. Often they are crafted from fine leathers and feature thick, weighty strands. Most floggers create a heavy, deep sensation, while a long, thin whip will create a stinging sensation. A suede whip will give more of a thud that spreads sensation at first; it will give more sting as it collects body oils. A whip made of plastic will sting no matter what.
When learning how to use whips and other percussive S/M toys, practice on a pillow before you play with a partner. Learn how to aim the toy and how to produce the sensations you want. It is essential that you learn how to wield your new toy safely. Aim for the fleshy and muscled parts of the body—like the buttocks and upper back—and always steer clear of bones and internal organs.
Many folks play with bondage, whether or not they are into S/M. If you want to tie up your partner, you’ll probably start by looking at household items. Some of the accoutrements you might find at home are dangerous choices for toys, however. Silk scarves and nylons are poor bondage devices because they can tighten when pulled, cutting off circulation or damaging the tissues. Bondage devices should be sturdy and comfortable to the wearer and not tighten with pressure and pulling. Your best bets are cloth or leather restraints made for the purpose. Remember to keep a pair of scissors near the bed for cutting off any bondage gone awry.
Most quality S/M retailers and mail-order operations employ educated staff who will be happy to answer your questions. If you do not feel comfortable with the services of one company, find another. There are numerous places to purchase S/M and bondage toys (see Resources).
ILLUSTRATION 8. S/M and Bondage Toys
Toys, Safer Sex, and Cleaning
To prevent infections and STDs, use condoms or other barriers on your sex toys—especially if you are going to share them. If you do not want to use barriers, do not share your toys. Wash them carefully after each use.
Condoms can be used on dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators. You can even stretch them over the large head of an electric vibrator. If you use latex on your anal toys, be sure to stretch the condom over the base of the toy so that it does not slip off up the anal canal. And if you are using plastic (not silicone) dildos and anal toys, use a condom every time you use the toy, even if you are masturbating. Plastic material is porous and absorbs dirt.
Clean your toys between uses with an antibacterial soap or a 30 percent hydrogen peroxide/water mix. You can wipe down the surface of your vibrators or other battery-operated or electric toys with alcohol or hydrogen peroxide. Test a small area first to see if the plastic material will react to the alcohol. Silicone toys can be disinfected by boiling for up to five minutes.
You can wash your leather harness and restraints with soap and water and hang them to dry. Whips and other leather goods can be wiped down with a hydrogen peroxide and water mixture and hung to dry.
Keep your sex toys in a clean, dry place. You may want to keep your dildos and plugs in separate baggies. Plastic and silicone can attract fuzzies and dust balls. Also, be sure your storage place is animal-proof. Dogs and cats seem to love gnawing on your favorite toys!
Erotic Books and Videos
We now have shelves and shelves of erotic books by women. You’ll find anthologies like Herotica reviewed in the mainstream press and sold widely in bookstores. You’ll still find the best selection of women’s erotica at specialty stores—the same stores that sell quality sex toys designed for women. Erotic books and videos can offer ideas of what is possible sexually, give you fodder for fantasy, show you what you don’t like, and turn you on. You can find soft erotica with subtle suggestions of sex or explicit get-down-to-it representations of sex, S/M, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. You’ll find erotica intended for culturally diverse audiences—such as Erotic Noire, a collection of African and African American erotica, The Oy of Sex, a collection of Jewish women’s erotica, Pleasure in the Word, a collection of Latin American women’s erotica, and Best Lesbian Erotica, the annual series of lesbian and bisexual women’s erotica. You can even find erotic comics, like those by Michael Manning.
You may like erotic books and videos that show a different sexual orientation than your preference. As a lesbian, you may like heterosexual or gay male erotica; as a heterosexual, you may like lesbian erotica. Fantasies and turn-ons often differ from how you choose to express yourself sexually.
As you begin to explore your sexuality more deeply, desires may emerge that contradict your values or political beliefs. You may get turned on by the idea of being taken or taking someone else sexually. These contradictions exist in all of us. Talk to people about them. Explore them. Don’t discard them into the “bad” category—be curious about them. What do you have to discover about yourself and your sexuality by looking at these desires?
Erotica: A Journey into Women’s Sexuality is an independently produced documentary that looks at the contributions of women whose artistic creations center around sex. I find many things about the film powerful. Each of the women talks about her own sexual transformation and how she evolved her self-defined sexuality and sexual expression. Candida Royalle, who writes and produces pornography, said that her work in this industry called her to look deeply at her own sexuality, the damage done to women’s sexuality by our culture, and the possibility of personal healing. Annie Sprinkle shares a very poignant story about attacks on her sexually explicit performance art. One Australian radio announcer, playing tapes of speeches by Hitler, said he knew what to do with women like Annie Sprinkle, who is Jewish. This level of attack is profound. What did he find so threatening in Annie Sprinkle’s representations of women’s sexuality? Other women in the film speak of carving out a place for their own sexual empowerment in a society that offers little room for women’s sexuality.
Many people critique pornography for its male view of sex and sexuality, and for not portraying women as viable and self-defined sexual beings. Studies also show that a high percentage of survivors of childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual assault work in the pornography and sex industry. This then begs the question of consent. If a survivor is not healing, she may still believe that the only thing about her of worth is her sexuality. Her tolerance of being used or abused sexually may be high, and there may be real poverty and oppression keeping her in the sex industry. These factors do not make for empowered consent.
I started dancing because sex was what I knew. I knew how to be sexual with men, how to have some control that way. I started stripping as soon as I turned eighteen. That grew into prostitution, mostly with men about my dad’s age. It all seemed very familiar, too familiar.
Jody
Many women work in the sex industry by choice, however, and do feel empowered to consent. They see women’s sexual empowerment as a key to changing and healing society at large. Women in this position for the most part have the economic options to choose whether to be in the sex industry. Economic choice is a fundamental part of empowered consent.
I chose to do sex work for a while. I know it doesn’t work for some women, but it was great for me. I felt like I controlled the situation. I got to choose what I do with my sex. Plus, I like sex and think it can be healing and powerful.
C.B.
You may or may not like pornography. You may find yourself compelled and turned off at the same time. Lots of women shy away from porn because they don’t know what they will like. To get an idea of what
’s available, ask Good Vibrations for their Sexuality Library catalog, which they will send you free upon request. This catalog features a wide selection of videos, with ratings for woman-oriented content, lesbian content, safer sex, inclusion of people of color, chemistry between partners, and quality filmmaking.
Phone Sex
The telephone can become a sex toy in its own right. You can have sex over the telephone that can be as powerful and erotic as sex you have in person. Because some people find it easier to talk explicitly about sex over the phone than in person, phone sex can be a great way to practice your erotic talk.
My partner and I grew our sex life into this amazing and exciting experience using phone sex while we lived apart. It was so yummy.
Aurora
Professional phone sex lines are also available. Most folks are familiar with these 900 numbers. Some sex talk lines are designed for callers to speak with a professional. Others are set up for callers to talk to one another, usually through a series of voice mail systems. If you choose, you can also arrange to talk live to others on the service. You can find these services advertised in the back of erotic magazines or your local weekly rag. This type of phone sex line is often free for women, while the male callers pay.
Cyber Sex
Computers may be the latest in high-tech sex toys. Numerous sites offering different types of sexual experiences can be found easily. There are sites with erotic pictures, sexually explicit chat rooms, and some offering reliable sex education. You can also shop for your sex toys online. Many of these sites, especially the ones advertising explicit photos, charge a fee for entry. Others are free. They will all post age requirement notices on their front pages.
The Woman’s Guide to Sex on the Web by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans reviews two hundred of the best sex Web sites for women. It includes interviews with folks in the industry, along with the latest in online rendezvous sites, and other sexuality resources for women. Some of the sites they list will link you to information on sexual abuse and assault.
Your Play Toys
The guiding principle here is exploration. Try out the toys, books, and videos that grab your attention and go with what titillates you. It is perfectly normal to feel embarrassed the first time you walk into a store that sells sex toys—or even the tenth time! It can be nerve-racking even ordering over the phone or online. The more you talk with others about sex, the more normal it will seem to make choices that support your sexual development. You’ll become more comfortable with sex by engaging in the exploration of it.
Sex Guide Exercises
1. What sex toys might you like to try? How can you use sex toys to support your sexual growth?
2. Check out one of the toy stores listed in the Resources. Visit a Web site, call a mail-order company to request a catalog, or walk into a store near you.
chapter fifteen
Spiritual Sexuality
Tantra
Tantra is a sexual practice that is rooted in ancient Eastern spiritual disciplines, one of a number of such practices found in ancient Japanese, Tibetan, Chinese, Hindu, and Native American spiritual traditions. Tantra essentially combines sexuality with spirituality and treats sex as both an energetic and a potentially transcendent experience. Both the body and sexuality are considered vehicles with which to contact the sacred. Tantra has become more popular and accessible in the West in the last twenty-five years and particularly popular in the last decade. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margot Anand does an excellent job of translating tantric practices for the Western mind (see Bibliography). In a culture where sex and religion are so often considered antithetical, tantra can be a refreshing look at sex and sexuality, bringing the sacred back into sex.
Tantra teaches one to look at sex as an energetic and spiritual experience. The goal is not necessarily orgasm, but rather the opening of the body and spirit to God/Great Spirit/Vishnu/Universe. This energy can also be focused toward healing and opening the body and the sexual body. Tantric practitioners learn breath and movement patterns that increase the sexual energy in the body and the connection between partners. The focus of sex and sexual sensations is raised from the genitals to spread up the chakra system and over the whole body.
After a childhood of being used as a sexual object for my father, I was relieved to find tantra. It brought something pure and beautiful back to sex. It was no longer a way for someone to use me but a way for me to connect with myself, with another, and with the sacred. This has been very healing for me.
Cheryl
Yoni Massage
Yoni and lingam are the standard tantric names for the vulva and the male genitalia, respectively. Different tantric practitioners teach different ways of touching the body and genitals to raise the sexual energy. Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer developed what they call the Miraculous Mooshy Massage for the Body Electric School (see Resources for contact information). This is a multistep massage process whose goal is to raise sexual energy and teach people how to touch women’s bodies and genitals. The process includes full-body touch, vulva accupressure points, relaxation and breathing techniques, and spreading the erotic energy over the entire body. Most of us are thrown into the mix with little real sex education, much less instruction on how best to touch and be touched, so this is a wonderful tool to learn by.
I learned the yoni massage at a training. While this might sound out there, it was such a great experience. I got to really learn about the different parts of my own anatomy and different ways to touch and be touched sexually. I can pass this information on to my lovers now.
Jo
Sacred Masturbation and Ceremony
You do not have to practice tantra specifically to make your sexual expression sacred. Many sacred sex practices are available. Betty Dodson, in her book Selfloving, teaches how to create a sacred ritual for masturbation. She suggests you set up a sacred space, and moreover time, to truly care for and nourish yourself sexually.
You can create sacred space, ritual, or ceremony around sex or masturbation on your own. You might want to set up a healing ceremony or a sexual self-forgiveness ritual. You can make your masturbation a beautiful celebration and your partner sex a sacred gift.
The best definition of ceremony or ritual I have found comes from Serge Kahali King, a Hawaiian shaman, who speaks of sacred ceremony as creating an environment and intention to move or transform us. Ask yourself what moves you or is sacred or special to you. Then consider your intention. What do you want to create, heal, or bless in your ritual? Use these components to set up a sacred space or ceremony for yourself or to share with your sexual partner. Here are some ideas for creating a sacred ceremony or ritual for yourself:
Create a beautiful space. You may want to drape cloths, display special objects, light candles, burn sage or incense, put on music. Set your intention. What do you want this ceremony to celebrate? What do you want to heal in this ritual? Call in any teachers, or God/Goddess/Great Spirit, to be with you. Breathe and center, becoming present and aware of the sacred space you are creating. Take pleasure in your sacred sexuality. Poems and songs can be inspirational in starting or ending. It is lovely to share food after a ceremony.
My partner taught me that all acts of pleasure are acts of the Spirit. What divine force would give us such a capacity for pleasure, and then say, “Don’t use it”?
Akaya
Learning More
The traditions of tantra and sacred sexual practices were historically passed down through the teacher-student or guru-devotee relationship, one that is usually unfamiliar to those in the West. As tantric practices become more prevalent in the West, there are more forms of learning available. Many books, videos, and tapes are available on the subject, and both workshops and private consultations with practitioners and teachers can be found in many areas. Be aware that participating in workshops will include exercises in working with your sexual energy, and may include nudity. Ask the organization or trainer to give you a detailed description of the
course.
As with any sexual practice, there are tantric practitioners who have more and less integrity and more and less competency with the issues of childhood sexual abuse. If wish to learn about tantra, use your own criteria to assess who you want to explore with and learn from. Just because someone talks about spirituality does not mean he or she will have the competence to support your sexual healing from childhood sexual abuse, or the appropriate boundaries to do so. Check out the credentials of workshop leaders and teachers, ask about their experience with survivors, and ask what they understand about sexual healing after childhood sexual abuse.
For more resources on tantra and sacred sexuality, please see the Resources section.
Sex Guide Exercises
1. What do you feel is sacred about sex, your body, and your sexuality?
2. What might you be interested in learning about tantra or sacred sexuality?
chapter sixteen
Intimacy and Self-Forgiveness
Mixing emotional intimacy and sex is powerful and challenging for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. You can be sure that if you are intimate both emotionally and sexually with your partners, the sparks of your sexual healing will light fires! This can be both exciting and tumultuous. Your history of sexual abuse will come bubbling up to the surface. Because more of you is present in your relationships, more feelings and more triggers will emerge during sex. This is not a failure, or as one survivor puts it, “the beginning of the end to yet another relationship.” Rather, it is a portal into healing your sexuality.