by Staci Haines
It is about learning how to surrender again, this time to my own goodness and trustworthiness
Aurora
Do I Deserve Pleasure?
The more I forgive myself, the more pleasure I allow myself… Now I give myself permission to have in my life those things that bring me pleasure. I am spending less time “making up” for being abused by suffering.
Cheryl
Many survivors feel that they should pay for what happened to them as children. You may believe that you need to suffer to make up for being bad, dirty, or wrong. You may think that because others are suffering you should as well, that you would betray those who are in pain by having pleasure. Chances are that nothing in your life prepared you for pleasure or the belief that you deserve it. When you feel pleasure, you may feel guilty or ashamed.
You deserve and always did deserve pleasure. You deserve and always did deserve a life in which your well-being is respected. You are deserving just because you are alive. Do you wish more pleasure for others? Include yourself in this well-wishing.
Pleasure
Many survivors are unfamiliar with both emotional and sexual pleasure. Pleasure can be scary and strange, and therefore suspect. Many survivors have spent their entire lives dealing with profound pain. Pain, lack, and betrayal are familiar and therefore “safe.” When in your history was it safe to feel pleasure? When could you relax enough to feel at ease in your body?
Reclaiming pleasure is like letting water back into a sea sponge that has been dried for years and is hard and crusty. The sponge initially repels the water and then very slowly begins to let it in. First, a little water seeps in around the edges, and then slowly the water reaches deeper into the sponge. Eventually, with a steady supply of water, the sponge becomes supple and pliable again, able to easily let water in and squeeze it out.
Of course, if you leave the sponge out to dry, it will harden again. To keep it supple, you must regularly submerge that sponge in water. Similarly, if you are denied pleasure, you will learn to resist pleasure. To learn how to embody pleasure in your life, you’ll have to practice taking in pleasure, little by little, over and over again. This may be terrifying. Don’t worry; you can go at your own pace.
What brings you pleasure? What give you physical joy? Emotional joy? What can you do to incorporate more of what is pleasurable to you into your life? What can you do that will allow pleasure into your body? Into your emotional repertoire?
Self-Permission
You may need to officially and overtly give yourself permission to experience pleasure, intimacy, sexual expression, and satisfaction. What would your sex life be like if you gave yourself permission to have it all? To not settle for anything less than everything you want?
I give myself permission, because really it’s not up to anyone else. My body, my life, and my sex are mine and no one else’s. This is the only life I have; I’m going to live it fully to my own standards.
Anna
From this moment forward you have permission to fully express your sexuality. You are granted permission to experience pleasure, delight, intensity—whatever you want. You have full permission to have your boundaries, needs, and desires. How’s that? Granting yourself permission to be fully expressed sexually is a courageous act. Go for it.
Personal and community support are as important as ever in this stage of the process. Find at least one other person who is as excited as you about you having a fully expressed sexuality. When things get tough, ask your friend to remind you just why you want a sex life, anyway.
What keeps you from granting yourself permission to have the sexuality and sexual expression you want, on your own terms? Do you feel you need someone else’s permission? Who might that be? Your parents? God?
Whom do I need permission from to be fully expressed sexually? I’m not sure.
Maybe God? Somehow I am “bad” or “damaged” still, so I am not allowed to
fully be my big, bright self.
Roslyn
Some survivors do not feel safe enough to give themselves permission to express themselves sexually. When you were being abused, it was not safe to reveal yourself or to express your sexuality in your own way.
Explore all the nooks and crannies of your life in which you don’t give yourself permission to fully be yourself. How does it serve you to deny aspects of yourself? Are you keeping yourself hidden, punished, or safe? What would it feel like to be both safe and fully expressed sexually?
For me it is about safety. It has never been safe to come out all the way. I sneak around, letting a little of me come out here, letting a different part of me out there…Now the people in my life would probably rather I be my whole self.
Cindy
You now have the power to choose sexual partners and friends who respect you, support your growth, and delight in your successes. They may even want to join you in your adventure by doing some sexual healing of their own!
Sexual Expression Permission Slip
Write yourself a permission slip to have the sex life you want. Here is a sample. Of course, you can create your own permission slip, using language that is meaningful for you. If you need permission from others, or from God, write yourself a permission slip from them. List all the specific expressions, acts, and feelings you want to receive explicit permission for. I, _________________ , give myself complete permission to be fully expressed sexually on my own terms. This includes expressing myself sexually in whatever ways, wherever, whenever, and with whomever I choose from this day forward.
Specifically, I give myself full permission
• to have the boundaries that I want and need sexually.
• to acknowledge all of my feelings while I am being sexual, and to take care of them in whatever way best serves me in the given situation.
• to laugh during sex.
• to masturbate.
• to be sexually brazen or shy.
• to be in my body.
• to say “yes,” “maybe,” or “no” to sex.
• to do that one thing I’ve never told anyone that I’ve always wanted to do sexually, like…
You, ___________, are granted full permission to express yourself sexually on your own terms. You have my blessings.
Enjoy!
Lovingly, (your signature)
Sex Guide Exercises
1. Make a list of all of the things related to the abuse that you believe are your fault. Then read the list to yourself. Look at it. Do this every day for a week, a month, or a year. What would you say to a little girl who told you these things about herself? What would you feel for her?
2. Read that same list to your therapist, a friend, or your partner. Let that person witness you and confirm that you are forgiven. Ask that person to tell you whatever you need to hear to feel supported in forgiving yourself.
3. Write about what your sex life would be like if you were completely forgiven.
4. The following exercise can help you increase your tolerance for intimacy with a partner:
a. Sit in a comfortable position, facing your partner. Sit upright so that you are alert. Breathe down into your belly, letting the air fill your belly and chest. Look into your partner’s face and eyes. Continue to breathe. Notice what happens in your body. Sit in your own experience while being connected with your partner. Try not to be in your partner’s experience, attempting to figure out what he or she is feeling. Be in your body.
b. After three minutes, each of you can tell the other what you notice in your body. What sensations are there? Were you able to stay present? Where did you float off to? And when?
c. Then gaze at each other for another three minutes. What is different now? What do you notice?
d. Talk about the experience.
e. If you want to up the ante, try doing this exercise while nude.
chapter seventeen
Partnering with Survivors of Sexual Abuse
It’s Not Your Fault
One of the
most difficult things for partners is remembering that your lover’s pain is not your fault. When you are in it for the long haul with someone healing from childhood sexual abuse, her pain will come out around you and at you. You can count on it. When your lover gets upset during sex, you may feel tempted to take responsibility. You may think you triggered her, and that she wouldn’t be in pain if you hadn’t said X or if you hadn’t done Y. Not true. Even if something you said or did triggered her, the feelings that emerged were there, waiting to come out. They were her feelings.
Understandably, you don’t want your lover to be in emotional pain. The pain of recovery is essential to healing, though. You can’t heal from childhood sexual abuse without feeling the emotions associated with the trauma.
As a partner of a survivor, be aware of the inclination to suppress your own emotions and communications to avoid triggering her. Although editing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and speech may help her sidestep short-term pain, it is a setup for both of you. What you do or say may, in fact, trigger her, but she can handle it. Even in her moments of greatest emotional turmoil, don’t overlook her courage and empowerment. Treat her with care and with dignity. Avoiding triggers is not any healthier for you than it is for her!
You can support your lover, but you can’t fix her or make the effects of the abuse go away. Over and over again, I have heard survivors say that what they want most is a witness, someone who is willing and able to sit with them in their story. If you can offer this, you are giving your partner a priceless gift.
No Saviors, No Patients
You are not a savior, and your lover is not a patient. Your lover is not broken or hurt, and it is not your job to rescue her. When partners get stuck in savior/patient roles, they are both ultimately disempowered. The truth is, you are both incredibly courageous to be engaging in the healing of abuse. So many survivors and partners stay in denial about it instead. Acknowledge yourselves and each other for this.
It will help you to learn something about childhood sexual abuse. The patterns of abuse, experiences of survivors, and recovery process are fairly well mapped out in books like The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis and Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman. It’s much easier to avoid pitfalls such as savior/patient roles when you know what’s going on.
Practice viewing each other as whole human beings. Tell each other regularly what you appreciate about the other. Talk about the wholeness, vulnerability, and innate sense of power or wisdom you see in each other. Give yourself lots of kudos for hanging in there. No patients or saviors are needed here.
Take Care of Yourself
As a partner of a survivor, you need to be very attentive to your own needs. An often-made mistake for partners of survivors is giving to the point of depletion because the situation seems to call for it. Learning to recognize, negotiate, and care for your needs will serve (and potentially save) your relationship.
Incest and childhood sexual abuse is horrible, and in many ways it is a personal and social crisis. Yet if the survivor is out of immediate danger, the emergency is over. The healing process takes time. From the initial “crisis stage,” when she begins to face the effects of the abuse, you can count on at least two years of focused healing before things stabilize. Recovery from childhood sexual abuse takes a long time (some would say it is a lifelong process), but over time her abuse issues will take up less and less space in her life. If you are involved with a survivor, childhood sexual abuse and its implications will be a part of your relationship. This path can be both arduous and deeply beautiful.
Consider getting support for yourself as well. You can turn to friends or a counselor—just make sure they are educated about the process of healing from childhood sexual abuse. Books like Allies in Healing by Laura Davis can also help.
Continue to do the things that you enjoy. Whether you pursue a hobby, create art, play sports, or hang out with your friends, make time for the things that give your life meaning. This will be a place of balance and renewal for you, and help bring joy to your relationship.
Expand Your Sexual Repertoire
Aspects of your lover’s healing naturally will emerge in sex. While this can be trying, it can also be a powerful way to build intimacy. By sharing your deep, shadow places you can build incredible trust. Sexual healing can be a great opportunity for you to grow and develop sexually, too.
We live in a sex-negative culture. We all could benefit from some sexual healing. At the very least, we all could learn more about sex. In what ways would you like to grow sexually? How would you like to develop your capacity for intimacy?
Although you may be tempted, don’t build a sex life around triggers. Both you and your survivor partner will need to learn to tolerate a full range of emotions, including the pain that is a part of this recovery. Think of the fear and pain as healing, not as something to be avoided. Keep coming back to expressing your full sexuality. This may not be possible at the moment, but it is the ultimate intention of recovery. Read chapter 11 on triggers with your partner, and design a trigger plan for your sex life.
You and your partner may have different sexual needs and desires. Contrary to what you might expect, it is not always the case that the survivor doesn’t want to have sex. You may want a break from sex. If one of you does not want to be sexual, negotiate this clearly. Do you want to take a three-week break? A three-month break? What types of healing work can you commit to in the meantime? When will you reassess your agreement?
As your lover heals, she will change. Her sexuality will evolve. You may feel as if you have a new sexual partner on your hands. Give yourself time to adjust. Be creative. How can you invent sexual experiences that work for both of you? How can you both use this as a time to grow sexually? How can you learn together?
Use the “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe” exercise in chapter 2 to come up with a repertoire of sensual and sexual expressions that are interesting to both of you. Explore your lists of likes, dislikes, and possible new explorations. Expand your range of what you consider pleasurable and erotic. Get away from the idea that the way you used to have sex is the only way that counts.
You Get to Change, Too
When your partner is healing sexually, you change, too. In a way, you inherit her history and her recovery process. You’ll get a close-up look at what human beings can do to each other. This may call into question your basic beliefs about people and societies. How could this happen? Why is this still happening? What can I do? Partners go through their own stages of denial, shock, feeling, and integrating the trauma. It is normal to get angry at those who harmed your partner and to grieve the losses she has suffered as a result of the abuse.
Sharing this time with your lover can have an uncanny way of exposing your own ghosts. You may find yourself rehashing old wounds or coming up against issues you thought you had successfully avoided. Your lover and you can learn much together. What would it be like for both of you to be fully embodied, emotionally flexible, and sexually expressed?
Survivors as Partners
You may both be survivors of childhood sexual abuse. As you might suspect, there are unique benefits and challenges to this.
The challenges come in having appropriate boundaries and building self-referential lives. While it’s great to be understood, the lines between whose stuff is whose can get blurry. The best bet is to focus on and take full responsibility for your own healing. Let your partner take full responsibility for his or hers. Do not push your partner to take your path to healing. Your road is yours only.
The benefit is, of course, a great understanding. There is so much you do not have to explain. You’ll both be familiar with the intricacies of abuse and healing. You can support each other in committing to each other’s recovery, and you can share the process in many ways.
Sex Guide Exercises
1. If you are inclined to feel responsible for your lover’s triggers and emotions, take a moment now to differentiate between your behaviors
and intentions and those of the people who harmed her. Are her feelings about you or them?
2. Sit down with your partner and talk about your commitment to sexual healing and to each other. Why heal sexually, anyway? Why go through this together? What do we have to gain? How might this process change us for the better? What parts of ourselves or our relationship might we have to leave behind?
3. Take a few minutes each week to practice appreciating your partner. Sit comfortably, facing your partner. Settle into your body. Practice your emotional sourcing. Find that place in you that makes you feel grounded and at peace. For three minutes, tell your partner what you love and cherish about her. What are her virtues? When the three minutes are up, you can switch, and your partner can tell you what she loves and cherishes about you. As you listen to her appreciation, relax. Letting her appreciation really sink in shows your partner respect.