“But… how do I force tears to come out from my eyes? So far they have come eventually, but… what if I tomorrow stand there with completely dry eyes… they won’t believe it… and no amount of pretending will change that.”
Mom gave me a reassuring smile.
“Don’t you worry, Areum… there are several things you can do. I learned some tricks back in the day when I was just getting started as an actress. The difficult part is to trigger the emotion… after that it’s easy. So, what you can do is to use your senses… try to absorb the feelings of the people around you.” I remembered the same advice from Nari earlier today. It hadn’t helped so far, and I doubted it would magically start working tomorrow. “Choose a few people around you… listen to their sobs and cries… to their screams, and then mimic them… scream the way they scream, sob like they do… then just continue until their screams and sobs become your own. Look at their faces… look at their tears… look at their distorted expressions and mimic them until they become your tears and your expressions.”
“Okay,” I nodded, but I knew that wouldn’t work for me.
“Also… think of something that truly makes you sad… the saddest thing you can imagine, something personal to you—”
“This makes me sad,” I protested. “I… I… this is… I can’t imagine—”
“I know, dear,” mom put her hand on my lap. “I know. But crying for this loss is difficult because even though He was always near you, He was not an actual person in your life… you have never met him… that’s why it might be easier if you find something closer to you… something from your own life.”
I thought of the national gymnastics team - my dream that, for a moment, had come true - but the only feeling I associated with that was anger, and I didn’t know how to use that to generate tears.
Mom read my face and got up to get something from our food stash under the floorboards. I followed her with curious eyes.
“Here… you can use this as well,” she sat back down in front of me and handed me a tiny bundle. I immediately recognized it as the black pepper we used for cooking. “This will hurt more than anything you have felt in your life… that’s why I couldn’t use it when I was acting… but if you put some in your eyes… just a few tiny grains… you’ll be crying for real… and you’ll be crying for hours. But only use it if the other methods don’t—”
“I’ll use it,” I said. “I don’t mind the pain… I… just want it to work… I’ll do anything.”
I took the bundle of pepper and put it under my pillow next to the Great General pin.
“Just be careful,” mom said. “Don’t let anyone see you do it.”
She stroked my cheek with her hand and smiled. It was a strange sensation, but I didn’t flinch.
At night, I lay on my quilt, staring up into the moonlit crack in the ceiling.
What is going on with me? My Father, whom I have loved more than life itself, is gone… and I have to use pepper to cry for him?
An overwhelming feeling of guilt swept over me.
I’m not worthy! That’s it… I’m not worthy! Maybe… I don’t deserve to live after all. But I must do it… I must do whatever it takes. I must survive… for Nari!
I closed my eyes, astounded by how different everything had become. My whole life, my Father - the Great General had been with me. On every wall, in every book, on every TV… on the pin, that was always securely attached over my heart. Always fatherly. Always loving me. Always protecting me. Standing for everything good in the world. And now… all I could see before me was his blood-smeared face on the mural.
How can a place like this exist in his perfect society? Did he create this? No… he couldn’t have known about what is going on in here. He must have been lied to all this time by people he thought he could trust. Maybe he truly believed this was a place where the Strayed were re-educated to later retake their place in his society… and that they were treated humanely until the time came when they were ready.
With that thought, there was no doubt left in my mind.
The Great General was deceived! We thought he was immortal, but he died. We thought he was infallible… but maybe he was told lies and believed them… like a normal human. But there must be some honorable people left in the Capital… somebody needs to find them… somebody needs to tell them the truth!
Then, another thought struck me out of nowhere.
Does that mean those liars are the ones governing Choson now? Could it be that… they killed the Great General to take power?
These thoughts swirled round and round in my mind at an ever faster speed until I finally collapsed and drifted off to sleep from pure exhaustion.
As I opened my eyes in my dream, I was once again tied to a wooden pole, and behind me was the blood-covered face of infinite kindness of my Father - the Great General.
CHAPTER 16
The next morning, I was the first one in the family to wake up. During the entire night, my nightmares had shifted back and forth between me facing the firing squad tied to a pole and seeing Min Ji’s head explode in bloody fireworks from the crowd. The sun had not risen yet, so I stayed on my quilt with my eyes closed, repeating the same thoughts over and over in my head.
How could our eternal Father have died? All I’ve ever known my whole life is that He was immortal and would watch over the people of Choson until the end of time. And did He know this hellish place existed in his perfect paradise? And who is running Choson now that He’s gone? Is it the same people who deceived Him when He was alive? Could it be that those people killed Him to take power? Is it all a huge evil conspiracy? Does that mean the sacred principles of Juche have been abandoned? How are people reacting to this back in the Capital? Is there anyone out there who can save us? Who can save Choson?
I held the cold dead Great General pin firmly in my hand as my worries turned a more personal direction.
The pepper has to help me tonight… it has to! I will put it right away… I can’t risk even ten seconds without tears. It will work! It has to!
Before long, Nari, mom, and dad woke up as well, and I could finally break the endless repetition of thoughts. As we started with breakfast preparations - still with our extra rations - I noticed Nari looked even worse than she had yesterday. Her skin carried a greenish pale nuance, and her eyes were only half-open.
“Are you okay?” I whispered to her in a low enough voice so our parents wouldn’t hear. Nari just shook her head without even looking up at me.
When the rice had just started to boil and was filling the room with its sweet fragrance, Nari’s eyes burst wide open, and with a deep guttural sound she put her hand over her mouth. Before any of us had time to react, she virtually flew up to her feet and ran to the door. She had barely managed to open it when she vomited right on our doorstep.
The whole room gasped in panic. Mom and dad rushed over to her where she stood, bent over, panting in the doorway.
“I’m fine… it’s just the heat,” she mumbled barely audibly as she tried to wave them off.
Dad helped her back to her quilt and mom picked up her glasses, which had fallen on the ground, and closed the door.
“Nari… you have to go see the doctor,” mom said, stroking her short greasy hair. “I’ll take you right after breakfast.”
Nari shook her head.
“I can’t… it’s nothing… really… pleases, don’t make a big deal about it,” Nari mumbled. “I can’t be away from work… they’ll report me…”
Of course, we all knew it was true, and I was terrified of what Ki Ha would do if either of us came even five minutes late, let alone missed an entire day. But we also knew this was a big deal, remembering this pattern repeating itself throughout our childhood every time Nari’s heart condition started deteriorating. We also knew more than well what it would mean if her health deteriorated in here. There would be no medicine. No treatments. No surgery. No rest. No chance for survival…
Mom and dad exchanged
worried looks.
“I don’t think taking her to the doctor will make any difference,” I said.
They looked at me with a surprised expression like they had forgotten I was there, but then they nodded.
“Let’s bring Mrs. Choy over tonight,” dad said. “There’s not enough time now before work… there is zero-tolerance for being late right now.”
Mom agreed reluctantly.
I served the food and we sat down to eat. The three of us had our eyes fixed on Nari the entire time, which made her visibly uncomfortable. She hated to be the center of attention in general, and especially when she was the object of pity or worry. To our relief, she didn’t vomit again after breakfast, and her skin tone returned to an almost normal color.
“Watch your sister closely today,” mom told me before she and dad headed off to work. “If anything happens, take her to the doctor… tell them it’s a matter of life or death. I’ll bring Mrs. Choy over tonight. Let’s pray to the Great General her heart is fine.”
I nodded, but I knew life or death didn’t mean the same to the ogre we worked with as it did to mom. Nothing would please him more than if we dropped dead. Then he would finally be able to get his friend to work with him at the watermill as they had planned from the start.
Leaving the house - still in our normal clothes since mom thankfully hadn’t fixed the new prisoner uniforms yet - I reflected on the words she had used.
What does it even mean to ‘pray to the Great General’ now? Has he really transformed into some kind of spirit that is still with us?
Nari and I walked up the main road holding hands. My mind raced for ideas on how to handle the worsening of Nari’s heart condition in the camp, but none seemed to be sufficient to save her life.
I suddenly remembered Hana and the Dragons.
If they are so influential, maybe they can help her. Maybe they have access to medicine none of the other prisoners have. But that comes at a cost! Am I willing to help her return to power after what she has done?
I didn’t discard the idea completely, but I hoped with all my heart a better option would present itself before I was forced to go down that road. Jun Ha also crossed my mind. He had said we could always come to him if we needed anything. But I didn’t see how he could help us in this situation. I had the same conclusion regarding Miss Ae.
Or maybe I should just approach Hyuk - Hana’s sworn enemy. The boy with the black lion’s mane. But if Hana told the truth about him having no respect for women… it could instead make things worse.
It also occurred to me that the more imminent problem was maybe not Nari’s heart but her vomiting.
If she can’t keep her food down, she will starve… then it won’t matter how much of my ration I give her…
The watermill went from being cold and damp to steaming hot in just a few hours, and the dense air was once more permeated with the repugnant stench of Ki Ha’s sweat. The barrels of corn were piling up, but Nari wasn’t able to increase her speed. Even though I worked so fast I had blisters on my fingers, it was not enough to compensate for her lack of work. As the morning passed, Nari looked increasingly unwell but still better than she had looked in the morning. I was tense from worrying, but I could also not help being annoyed by again being stuck covering for my sister and again doing all the work for her. I felt trapped. I knew that if I didn’t do it, Ki Ha would without a doubt seize the moment and get rid of both of us once and for all.
By lunchtime, Nari’s skin had turned back into an almost greenish shade. I stood ready to rush over and catch her if she suddenly collapsed. When the lunch delivery finally came, I took her outside and we sat down in the fresh shade behind the watermill, shielded from the gazing midday sun. We only had ten minutes, as usual, but I figured Nari needed to get out of that place, even if it was only for a short while. As usual, I gave her half my portion, and she started eating very slowly. Unlike breakfast, the food didn’t make her look better. She actually looked worse, and halfway through, she suddenly put down her bowl and stood up.
“Nari… are you okay?” I asked and put down my bowl as well.
“Yeah… I’m fine,” Nari mumble and took a few trembling steps toward the river. I also got up to my feet to follow her, and just as I did, she vomited right on her feet.
“Nari!” I shrieked and ran over to her.
No, no, no… this can’t be happening!
I was in a total panic.
“I… I need to… clean my feet,” Nari mumbled incoherently as she wiped her mouth with her hand.
“I’ll help you,” I said and put her arm over my shoulder, leading her over to the river bank. The enormous waterwheel sprayed us with fresh water as we sat down and Nari put her feet into the river. She splashed them around a little bit.
I looked at her.
“I feel better now,” she looked back at me and smiled.
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely… much better.” To my surprise, I could see that her face indeed had changed from pale green to matte beige. “Areum… could you give me my bowl, please? We have to hurry back in before Ki Ha gets angry.”
I rushed over and got both of our bowls. Nari crawled over to where the water foamed by the waterwheel and put her head inside. She stayed under for a couple of seconds, and when she re-emerged, she started drinking. I sat down on my previous spot and waited for her. I had a few mouthfuls left in my bowl, which I quickly gulped down. Then I bent over to drink from the river as well. Nari sat down next to me and shook her head, spraying water everywhere. I laughed. She looked like a completely new person.
“Thanks,” she picked up her bowl and started drinking the soup. Less than a minute later she was finished.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked.
“I’m sure,” she said. “Come on… it’s time to get back.”
Ki Ha glared at us as we came in a few minutes late but didn’t say anything.
I was relieved to see Nari feeling better - she could even work faster now - but I wondered how long it would last. The heat was still rising inside, and there was no escaping the horrible stench that seemed to grow in intensity as well. I started getting a headache, probably from a combination of my worry about Nari, the heat, and everything else.
Around thirty minutes after lunch, the temporary vigor of Nari was gone, and her face had returned to its previous greenish pale skin tone. I observed her as she worked slower and slower, thinking about what I would do if she suddenly vomited again.
What if she vomits on the corn? Ki Ha will kill her on the spot for sure…
Fortunately, that didn’t happen, and before long, the afternoon water ration came. Even though we, as usual, had to share the last mouthful at the bottom of the bucket, both of us became sufficiently invigorated to last the rest of the day, and we filled the quota without incident. I was relieved, but Nari still looked sick, and the day was far from over. The collective mourning in the Bloodyard remained to get through.
Please… don’t let there be any more executions!
I prayed Nari would make it through that spectacle without further nausea, but on the other hand, if she vomited again, she could say it was her body revolting against the tremendous shock of losing our Father. They might believe her. They might even reward her for such dedication.
When we gathered in the Bloodyard, it was, however, clear that the last unworthy vermin had not been weeded out last night as General Roh had hoped. The Strayed once more filled the space enclosed by the Oversight, leaving only a half-circle around four poor souls with bloody bags over their heads, tied up in front of the enormous smiling face of our Father - the Great General, which now again was clean of blood.
Once more, a painful lump formed in my stomach. I didn’t listen to General Roh’s speech and I didn’t watch the bodies of the four condemned prisoners being shred to pieces by the hails of bullets, spraying their blood and brain matter over the face of our beloved Father before falling lifelessly
to the ground. My mind was in a haze, as if it tried to protect my senses from the horror taking place before me. When the echoing of the rifle shoots bouncing off the mountains had faded, I noticed I had been holding my breath and had to gasp for air. I let the sense of relief that the mayhem was finally over sweep over me… I had not been one of the unlucky ones this time either.
And today I have my secret weapon to ensure I’m not one of them tomorrow either…
Just as I got ready to put my hand under my clothes to retrieve the tiny bundle of pepper, there was a commotion around me. I lifted myself onto my toes. To my utter shock, with the fresh bloody corpses still on the ground, I saw a group of guards dragging four more people, one of them violently kicking and screaming, with bags over their heads, up to the poles and tied them in the same way as the previous ones.
This time I wasn’t able to look away. Paralyzed, I reluctantly witnessed the carnage before me. When those four had fallen to the ground as well, their blood and brain matter sprayed all over the Great General’s warm and kind smile, my paralysis broke, and I could finally breathe again. I put my hand under my clothes and reached for the pepper. But right then, there was another commotion.
No… it can’t be… it’s not possible…
I prayed to be wrong, but as soon as I was back on my toes, I saw that I wasn’t. Without even removing the eight bloody corpses on the ground, the guards brought in another group of four unlucky souls. The crowd gasped in shock and horror.
How many are they going to kill?
The new group looked like the ones before - swollen faces from endless beatings, open bruises, missing fingers and toes, covered in their own blood. None of them resisted. Maybe they were too hazy to realize what was happening. Or maybe they had just come to terms with the futility of their situation and accepted their fates.
In the end, twelve blood-soaked corpses lay in a pile on the ground before us. I looked at Chul, who again was part of the firing squad. As usual, he stood right next to Chang Min. By now, he looked completely numb… almost like he was in a haze like the poor souls whose lives he had just ended. Or maybe he had just gotten used to it. Either way, his hands had been steady as a rock, and I hadn’t seen any shots going astray.
The Weeping Masses: A Young Adult Dystopian Survival Saga (Juche - Part 3) Page 13