by Tara Sivec
She rubs her hand on my back and nods. “You had sex with DJ. Now you’re drowning your sorrows because, instead of fucking the guy over for what he did when he was young and dumb, you just fucked him. And you liked it.”
She wags her eyebrows and laughs while I sit on the barstool, staring at her in shock. There’s no way she knows I had sex with DJ. I tried not to hobble when I walked in here and I grit my teeth whenever I cross my legs instead of moaning in a mixture of pleasure and pain. I asked him to give it to me hard and that man sure did deliver, Jesus Christ.
“Close your mouth, you’re catching flies,” Finnley giggles. “Did you honestly think you could hide something like that from your best friend? Besides, I saw you disappear into the locker room after DJ went in there and when you came out, your skirt was twisted around backwards and you had messy sex hair.”
I try to smack her in the arm, but the liquor running through my body makes the appendage feel like a wet noodle and I just sloppily paw at her.
“I hate him for what he did to me back then,” I tell her.
“I think you hated him back then. I KNOW you hated him back then, but he’s a different person now, Phee. I think you’ve seen just how different he is and you just hate the fact that you DON’T really hate him.”
What she’s saying would make sense if I were sober, but all I hear are words, words, words and none of them make me happy.
“I see the way you look at him when you think no one is watching and I also see how protective he is of you, especially after we told him about your dad. I know you’re pissed we told him, but he had every right to know since he got a note, too. Why is it so hard for you to just let him in?” She asks softly.
I glare at her. “You know exactly why.”
Well, not exactly, but she knows enough.
“Hon, you were both kids when that shit happened. It’s not like he did it on purpose just to fuck with you. He was so drunk that, if I remember correctly, you were even having second thoughts about going into that bedroom with him. It’s been fifteen years, Phee. You can’t keep hating someone for something they don’t even know they did.”
“I thought you were on my side?” I argue.
“I AM on your side, but when you’re acting like an idiot, I’m going to call you on your shit. Be honest with yourself at least. You don’t hate him and that’s what’s pissing you off most right now. I know the shit with your dad is making you crazy and I get it, even though you’ve been keeping secrets from me. I know you didn’t have a good life growing up, but you’ve made something of yourself. You’re a strong, independent woman, but that doesn’t mean you can’t lean on someone every once in a while. Especially a hot guy who looks at you like you’re the sun in his sky.”
Oh Jesus, now she’s becoming a poet.
Reaching around her, I grab the shot glass she stole from me and down it quickly, letting the burn of the tequila numb me so I don’t have to think about my shitty childhood or being the fucking sun in anyone’s sky. I’m not a bright shining light, I’m a cloud of doom and gloom that rains on everyone’s parade.
“DJ took my virginity and didn’t even remember it the morning after. I’m sorry, how is it possible NOT to hate someone for that shit?”
Finnley opens her mouth to reply and then quickly covers it with her hand as she looks over my shoulder. I don’t need to turn around to know DJ is standing right behind me. Even if Finnley didn’t look like a ghost just magically appeared behind me, I can smell him. He took a shower after that whole locker room incident and I can smell his soap and shampoo. He smells clean and fresh and like the most delicious man in the world. Obviously, he felt dirty after our little rendezvous and needed to rid his body of the uncleanliness that is me.
“What. In. The. Fuck?” DJ shouts over the blare of a rock song from the jukebox.
Twisting around on the chair, I try not to let the sight of DJ with hair still damp from the shower and his smell turn me into a pile of mush.
“You. Suck,” I tell him, punctuating each word with my finger in his chest.
He quickly grabs my finger and pulls my body towards him. I slide right off of the stool, my feet slamming to the ground and my chest colliding with his.
“I repeat, what in the fuck?” he asks angrily as I glare up at him.
“Oh, please! You have no right to be all indignant with me, mister wham-bam-I-don’t-remember-anything-ma’am!” I yell at him, the alcohol rushing right to my head, making me sway against him. “You got what you wanted earlier and now it’s MY turn to walk the fuck away.”
I attempt to pull my hand out of his grip, but he wraps his arms around me.
“Let me go so I can walk away,” I growl angrily, squinting my eyes so I stop seeing three of him standing in front of me. Three DJ’s, all sharing the same pissed-off look on their face, is three too many.
“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about,” he tells me firmly, reaching up to smooth the hair out of my eyes.
I swat his hand away and jab my elbow into his arm so he’ll drop his hold on me.
“Clearly. You’ve been a complete idiot for fifteen years. Jesus, how stupid was I back then to think I actually had a chance with you? Mr. Star Quarterback, most popular guy in high school. Why the hell would you even look twice at me? But hey, I got my wish, all right. One drunken night, I got what I’d always wanted and you STILL don’t fucking remember!” I shout.
Punching my fist into his chest, he finally lets go of me and I stumble backwards. Finnley grabs onto my shoulders to steady me while DJ stands in front of me, looking like someone just shot his favorite dog.
“Everything okay over here?” Collin asks, walking up to our group.
“Just fucking peachy!” I say in a cheerful voice while I try my hardest not to throw up on everyone’s shoes. The room is full-on spinning right now and I’m sorely regretting that last shot of tequila.
“Collin, can you give me a ride home? I don’t feel very well,” I mumble as I turn away from DJ and start walking towards the door in what I hope is a straight line.
“I fucking HATE you!” I shout over my shoulder, slamming my hands into the door to swing it open as I step out into the night air.
Leaning forward, I place my hands on my knees and take a few deep breaths, wondering why the fuck my eyes sting and I feel like crying. I fucked DJ in the locker room for all the wrong reasons. Sure, I wanted him. The sight of him up in that boxing ring turned me on something fierce, and watching him take that hit from Dax and hit the mat made me feel protective. I wanted to run my hands over his face and make sure he was okay, kiss away the pain and give him comfort. But a part of me did it in the hopes that a fucking light bulb would turn on in his head. I thought he’d feel me around him, look into my eyes and remember.
I just wanted to be good enough for him to remember.
I’ve stood here in the corner of the bar watching Phina down shot after shot and I can’t help but feel shitty about it. Is she drinking to try and forget what happened in the locker room?
FUCK!
Every time I think I take a step forward with this woman, I wind up taking fifty steps back. It’s been a blow to my ego, listening to people from the force and the fire department giving me shit for my sad boxing skills, but at least I had the memory of finally fucking Phina to get me through the night. I caught sight of her as soon as I walked in the door and my dick hardened in my pants. I wanted her again, immediately. I wanted a chance to take my time, undress her and stare at every beautiful inch of her body. I wanted to hear her shout my name this time instead of telling me how much she hated me over and over. Even from across the room, I could see the mark I left on her neck when she turned her head to the side and I wanted to beat my chest like a fucking caveman and start chanting ‘Woman, mine!’ for the entire bar to hear.
Taking Dax’s words in the ring to heart, I decide to go get my fucking girl. She’s not going to just walk away this time and ignore me like
she did the night I made her damn fantasy come true. She’s going to acknowledge me, she’s going to see me and I will make sure she finally fucking admits she doesn’t hate me.
Slamming my bottle down on the nearest table, I make my way through the crowd until I’m standing right behind her. The smell of her perfume makes my cock pulse and I curse myself for taking that fucking shower after she walked out of the locker room. I wanted to keep the smell of sex and her skin all over me and never wash it off, but my muscles and black eye were screaming in pain, and I knew a hot shower would be the only thing to make me feel better.
I stop subtly sniffing her hair when I hear Phina speak to Finnley.
“DJ took my virginity and didn’t even remember it the morning after. I’m sorry, how is it possible NOT to hate someone for that shit?”
A flash of memory flies through my head and I close my eyes, trying to grab onto it.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, am I hurting you?” I asked, looking down into Phina’s face, still not able to fully grasp that this was happening.
Her red hair was spread out on the pillow behind her head and she stared up at me with a smile, running her fingers down my cheek.
“I’m fine, it’s okay. You can keep going,” she told me softly.
I moved my hips the tiniest bit, my heart practically breaking in half when I saw her wince in pain. I was so fucking drunk that I didn’t even know how I was able to keep my dick hard, aside from the fact that being inside of the girl of my dreams was the best damn feeling in the fucking world. I wanted to make this good for her. It was killing me that I couldn’t make it good.
“Just go slow, okay?” she whispered, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
I buried my face into the side of her neck and tried counting backwards from a hundred to keep myself from moving too fast. I really hoped she didn’t fucking hate me after this. Her first time shouldn’t be with a drunk idiot like me, but how in the hell was I supposed to say no to her?
As I moved slowly in and out of her, I swear I heard her whisper that she loved me, but I knew my drunk brain must have been playing tricks on me. There’s no way this beautiful, amazing girl loved an asshole like me.
“What. In. The. Fuck?” I shout, my eyes flying open as I glare back and forth between Finnley’s shocked face and the back of Phina’s head.
That memory can’t be real. There’s no fucking way it’s real.
I think about fucking her in the locker room and how familiar she felt and how I just knew I’d been inside of her before, but I thought I was just out of my mind wanting her so much.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck have I done?
Phina whirls around on her stool and jams her finger into my chest and tells me I suck. I have to agree with her at this point, but all I can do is yank her towards me and ask the same question again because none of this makes any fucking sense.
“I repeat, what in the fuck?”
I really, really want her or Finnley to just start laughing, telling me they had too much to drink and they’re talking out of their asses, but that never happens. Finnley continues to stare at me in shock and Phina proceeds to bitch at me. I hate what she’s saying, and it makes my fucking chest hurt hearing that she thought I wouldn’t even look twice at her back in high school. Doesn’t she have any fucking idea that I ALWAYS looked at her? I saw her everywhere I went, in everything I did and in everything I fucking dreamed. The memory from that night back in high school comes rushing back with perfect clarity and I want to scream and put my fist through a wall. I’d been celebrating with my friends the whole damn night, drinking way too much beer and vodka, and then Phina walked into the party looking so fucking gorgeous that I couldn’t think straight. All that booze finally gave me enough liquid courage to approach her and tell her that I was in love with her. Instead of speaking, I just grabbed her and kissed her right in front of everyone. After the kiss ended, she slid her hand into mine and pulled me down the hall to the nearest bedroom. It wasn’t my first time, but when she told me it was hers, I almost walked away. Then she started removing her clothes and my feet felt like cement blocks. I couldn’t move even if someone came in and tried to drag me out of there. She was so gorgeous and I felt like the luckiest fucker in the whole world. I can’t remember anything after we fell asleep in that bedroom. I don’t remember waking up the next morning, I don’t remember talking to her or even leaving the damn house. All this time, I thought it was a dream. I thought there was no way Phina would have ever given something like that to me, and that my feelings were just one-sided. I went off to college and I didn’t see her again until a few months ago. Now all of her anger and hatred towards me makes perfect sense and I wish Dax had finished me off in that ring. The pain of his punches would have felt like cuddling a pillow compared to how I feel right now.
Phina asks Collin for a ride home before stumbling out of the bar and into the parking lot. Collin starts to go after her, but I put my hand on his shoulder.
“Nope, I’ll make sure she gets home safely,” I tell him.
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Finnley asks.
“Fuck no, but I’m still going to do it. I’m not fucking letting her down ever again,” I tell her before heading towards the door.
Pulling into Phina’s driveway fifteen minutes later, I glance over at her asleep in the front seat. When I got out to the parking lot, I found her slumped over the hood of someone’s car. As soon as I lifted her into my arms, her head curled into my neck and she passed out. Good thing for me since I’m sure she would have punched me in the face if she knew I was the one who was taking her home instead of Collin.
I take a few seconds to stare at her beautiful face before getting out of the car, rounding the front end and opening her door to scoop her back up into my arms. As I make my way up her front walk, I hear footsteps behind me and pause, holding her body tightly to me and wondering what the fuck I’m going to do if her father chose this moment to make his move. Turning around, I see a guy in a police uniform making his way up to us. He looks familiar as he smiles at me and nods in Phina’s direction.
“Everything okay here?”
I nod, looking at him questioningly.
“Oh, sorry! My name’s Jackson. Dax Travino asked me to keep an eye on Phina and her house for a few weeks. I was parked across the street when I saw you pull up,” he explains, pointing to the cruiser on the other side of the street.
“Yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks for keeping an eye on things. She just had a little too much to drink tonight,” I tell him as Phina starts to stir in my arms. I really don’t need her waking up right now and making a scene in front of this poor guy.
“No problem, just doing my job. If you need anything, just let me know. Here’s my card with my cell number on it.”
He reaches into the pocket by his chest and hands his card to me. I shift Phina in my arms to take it from him, scanning the information, including the guy’s last name.
“Holy shit, Castillo? That’s…”
“Yeah, Jordan was my cousin,” he tells me with a sad smile.
I start to apologize, but what the fuck can I say? Sorry I let your cousin burn to death so I could save my best friend instead? There’s no apology in the world that can make up for that, even though I did what I had to do at the time.
“Anyway,” he continues, “the street’s been pretty quiet tonight, but like I said, if you need anything, just flip the lights in one of the front rooms a few times or call me on my cell.”
Pocketing his card, I nod, wrapping my arm back around Phina. She starts to groan against my neck, so I thank Jackson one more time before turning and making my way up to her front porch.
When I glance back towards Jackson as he crosses the street, he gives me a friendly wave and I give him another nod. I shift Phina higher up in my arms so I can reach into my pocket and grab her keys that Collin gave me when I left the bar. Unlocking her front door, I walk inside and kick the door close
d behind me before running my hands along the wall to flip the light switch.
The sight in front of me makes me loosen my hold on Phina and she slowly slips down my body. Thankfully, she’s fully awake at this point, even though she’s still completely trashed, and plants her feet on the ground. We’re both staring at the disaster in her living room when she starts laughing.
She laughs so hard that tears stream down her cheeks, and I have a feeling those tears are a mixture of too much booze and being completely freaked out, even though she’ll never admit it.
Every piece of furniture has been tipped over, picture frames have been smashed and her carpet looks like someone set it on fire in several different places before putting it out. The plush, cream carpet has large sections that are black and charred, and my nose finally recognizes the nauseating smell of burnt fibers that hit me as soon as I walked in the door.
“Oh, Daddy, you’ve been a bad, bad boy,” Phina says through her laughter as she looks around at the mess.
She sways on her feet while she continues laughing like a crazy person and I scoop her back up into my arms.
“You’re going to be in sooooooo much trouble for this,” she laughs again before wrapping her arms around me and dropping her head to my shoulder.
“You’re not staying here tonight. I’m taking you back to my place,” I tell her as I turn and head back out the door.
“Okey dokey, smokey!” she giggles against the skin of my throat.
I pause when I see the note taped right under the light switch that I missed when we entered. I lean forward and use the hand tucked under Phina’s knees to rip it off the wall and flip open the folded piece of paper.
Why can’t you stop being a whore? Hope you enjoyed your time in the locker room. I’m coming for you. Be ready.
I crumple the note in my fist and leave the house, stomping down the steps so hard I’m surprised my feet don’t break right through the wood. I see Jackson in his car across the street, looking at me questioningly through his side window as I load Phina back into my car and secure the seatbelt around her. My tires screech as I pull away from the curb, grabbing my cell from the cup holder and calling the number on Jackson’s business card.