by Tara Sivec
Dax got a court order to pull Phina’s phone records and the call that she got right outside the PD came from a payphone on the other side of town, only a few blocks from the fire station. An APB has been put out for Phina’s father, but so far, there’s been no trace of him. It’s like he just keeps disappearing into the fucking wind.
I glance at Phina on the opposite end of the couch, watching her stare blindly at a movie I put in after dinner. I want to reach over and pull her against me. I want to hold her and tell her everything will be okay, but I can’t make that fucking promise. I can’t make her any kind of promise when her father is still out there. I have no idea what he said to her on the phone and after I questioned her a few times on the ride home that night, she completely shut down and told me it didn’t matter. She’s quickly retreating back to the person she was just a few months ago: cold, aloof and pretending like everything that happened between us isn’t real. I hate that she won’t trust me. She’ll give me her body and she’ll give me the words, but they mean absolutely nothing when she doesn’t really believe them. She doesn’t believe that she’s good enough to be loved and nothing I do will change her mind.
The doorbell rings and when Phina looks at me with curiosity, I don’t say a word as I get up from the couch to greet my guests. The only thing I have left is emotional manipulation. Hopefully, it works.
As soon as I open the door, my small townhouse is filled with so much noise you’d think I invited a hundred people over. I hold the door open as my sisters and my mother file inside, each one wrangling a child or two and helping them remove their coats and shoes. Kids yell, women argue, shoes are thrown around the entryway like landmines and I couldn’t be happier.
“Whoever is quiet the longest will get a cookie from Uncle DJ!” Dannica announces.
A hush falls across the room and I’m the first one to speak.
“Uh, cookies? Was I supposed to make cookies?”
I hear a quiet laugh from behind me and turn to see Phina standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. “We don’t need you burning the house down. Who wants to help me make cookies?”
The kids immediately forget about the quiet rule and start screaming and bouncing up and down. I wink at Phina and she gives me a small smile, holding her hands out for two of my nieces to grab as she leads everyone down the hall and into the kitchen. My sisters each give me a kiss on the cheek before following behind her, filing out of the room until I’m left alone by the front door with my mother. She gives me a hug and pats my cheek, holding her hand against the side of my face as she searches my eyes.
Not knowing what else to do to bring my Phina back around, I called my mom and told her as much as I could without worrying her too much. She immediately suggested bringing my sisters and the kids over so Phina could have some extra company to take her mind off of things. I knew she would have probably preferred the company of her best friend, but Collin and Finnley were out of town for the weekend and I didn’t want to tell them about what happened over the phone and freak them out.
“You’re a good man,” she tells me quietly.
I look away from her, not sure I agree with her right at this moment.
“Do you remember that time I was mugged when you were back in high school?”
I nod my head quietly, thinking about that night when I was fifteen and my mom was late getting home from work. We got a phone call from the police saying she’d been walking out to her car and had been attacked from behind. The scumbag beat the hell out of her face and broke her arm just to take her purse with all of twenty dollars inside.
“Your father was beside himself. He was angry that he hadn’t been there to help me and he blamed himself for being laid off from his job those couple of months, forcing me to take a part-time one at night,” she explained.
I remember my father coming home from the hospital that night, going out into the garage and trashing the place. He threw a hammer through a wall and cracked his workbench in half by pounding it over and over with his fists.
“I ignored him for a week after I got out of the hospital, but not because I blamed him. I could never have blamed him for a freak accident like that, but I did blame myself. I knew better than to walk out to that dark parking lot alone. I knew I should have asked the security guard to walk out there with me or even call your father to come and pick me up, but I was stubborn back then.”
I cock my head to the side and smirk. “Just back then?”
With her hand still on my cheek, she smacks it a little harder this time.
“Watch it, smartass,” she laughs.
Properly chastised, I wipe the smile from my face while she continues. “My point is, there’s nothing you can do to fix her right now. You aren’t responsible for the things that have happened any more than she is. All you can do is be there for her when she’s ready. Give her time and if she needs space, give it to her. If she loves you as much as you love her, she’ll come back when she’s ready. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready and she’ll lean on you when she needs it. Your Phina is a very strong woman. When someone like her falls, they fall hard and they need a soft place to land.”
She leans up and kisses my cheek one last time before turning to head into the kitchen, where I hear the clanging of bowls and laughter.
Wise woman, that mother of mine. I just hope I have the ability to be soft enough for Phina when she comes crashing down.
The house is finally quiet and the heavenly smell of fresh baked cookies still fills the air. My family stayed just long enough to bake and eat a couple dozen cookies and tell Phina embarrassing stories about my childhood that made her laugh so hard she cried before they helped clean up the mess and went home.
I’ve been lying on my back in the dark, the covers pulled up to my waist with my hands tucked under the back of my head, listening to the sound of the shower in the bathroom connected to my bedroom. My dick hardens at the thought of Phina standing in there with water sluicing down her body, but I force myself to stay right where I’m at. My dick hates me and calls me all sorts of trashy names, but thankfully, I hear the shower shut off and I give my dick the middle finger.
A few minutes later, the bathroom door opens, bringing steam and the smell of Phina’s shampoo billowing out into the room. I hold perfectly still, staring at her silhouette from the glow of the bathroom light before she flips the switch and throws the room into total darkness. I hear her walk around to the other side of the bed, lift the covers and slide in with her back to me. She’s taken to wearing just her panties and one of my old FD t-shirts to bed every night, and even though it’s pitch black in here, I can picture how the worn cotton molds to her body and how soft it would feel if I wrapped my arms around her right now and pulled her back against me.
I stay where I’m at, taking my mother’s advice, even though it goes against everything I believe. She needs to come to me; I can’t force her.
After a few minutes, my eyes grow heavy with sleep. I let them close and right when I start to nod off, I hear Phina speak so softly that I almost think I imagined it. I wait a few seconds when she speaks again, a little louder this time, but still in a soft, barely there whisper.
“The first time he did it, I was eight years old. I spilled a glass of milk on the kitchen table. He held me down and pushed his cigarette into me, laughing the entire time.”
My throat gets thick with emotion, but I don’t say a word. I turn gently onto my side and stare at the back of her head while she continues to speak in a low, monotone voice like a robot.
“I never did anything right. I ruined his life and I paid for it over and over. The first time he called me a whore I was nine. I didn’t even know what that word meant, but I knew it was horrible by the way he practically spit it at me.”
I close my eyes and want more than anything to beg her to stop. Stop speaking, stop the world from spinning so I can go back in time and make sure no one ever hurt her, but I keep my mouth shut. She needs to tell
me this and I need to hear it. I need to know how to take it all away.
“Day after day, year after year, it never stopped. He kept holding me down to punish me for being just like my mother and I let him do it. I let him turn me into this person who can’t even be happy for two weeks. I push people away because I can’t stand the thought of them finding out that I’m not worth their love. I hate who I’ve become. I hate that just the sound of his voice turns me into that weak little girl who couldn’t fight back.”
I feel a tear run down my cheek and I don’t even care that it’s the most un-fucking-manly thing in the world. I would cry a thousand tears for this woman just to prove to her that she’s worth EVERYTHING.
After a few minutes of silence, she whispers again. “Turn on the light.”
Even though I’m confused by her words, I lean back and flip the switch to the small bedside lamp, quickly turning back to face her. The tiny bulb barely lights up the bed area, but it’s bright enough for me to see her reach down to her waist and pull the t-shirt up her body and over her head. She tosses it to the foot of the bed and I hold my breath as she slowly pushes the covers down to her waist.
I take in every inch of her smooth, naked back, shoving my fist against my mouth when I get to the area right above her underwear. With a shaking hand, I reach out, running my fingertips over the scarred flesh. My fingers trace over about fifty tiny circles that are the exact same size as the butt of a cigarette. They are faded and white, but clearly visible on her beautiful skin. The fact that she’s showing me these scars and trusts me with the secrets of her past is equal parts amazing and horrifying. I don’t want her to have these marks on her skin, I don’t want her to wear a permanent reminder on her body for the rest of her life that some piece of shit thought she wasn’t good enough. I don’t know how to take away her pain, to make her believe she’s better than anyone I’ve ever known. There’s nothing I can do but show her.
Scooting down on the bed, I lean forward and take my time kissing each and every scar. I tell her I love her after each kiss. I tell her she’s beautiful after each kiss. I tell her she’s strong after each kiss.
She turns suddenly, rolling onto her back and I see that her cheeks are wet with tears. She puts her hands on either side of my face and pulls me up her body, pressing her lips to mine. I can taste the salt from her tears on her lips as she wraps her arms around my back and pulls me on top of her under the covers. Her hands slide down the skin of my back and her fingers hook into the waistband of my boxers, pushing them down my hips. I keep my lips attached to hers as I lean on one arm and use my hand to push them down far enough to wiggle out of them and kick them under the covers somewhere while she does the same with her own underwear.
She spreads her legs when I roll back on top of her until I’m cradled between her thighs, my cock pressing right against her. She tilts her hips and rubs her wet pussy against my cock, coating the entire length. With my elbows on either side of her head, I pull my head back so I can look into her eyes. I move my ass back and I don’t take my eyes off of her as I slide inside of her, so easy and so perfectly. Another tear falls down her cheek and I kiss it away as I slowly rock my hips.
Each slow push and pull of my cock inside of her sets off shock waves through my entire body. I’ll never get tired of being inside her, of feeling her wrapped around my cock and knowing that for this one moment, we are perfectly connected in every way.
Her hands slide down to my ass, urging me deeper, but this time, there are no shouts of “harder” or “faster.” We take it slow and she finally, FINALLY lets me love her the way she deserves.
Even though I haven’t felt any sensation in the numb, deadened skin of my lower back in years, every kiss DJ places over my scars is like a lightning bolt right to my heart. He shocks me back to life with the press of his lips against my skin and his words of love, strength and beauty overwhelm me. The tears fall steadily from my eyes and I don’t bother to hold them back or hide them. I roll over and let him see that his actions and words have touched a place in my heart and soul that no one has reached before.
He stares into my eyes when he pushes slowly inside of me and it’s the most beautiful, heartbreaking feeling I’ve ever known.
“I see you,” he whispers against my lips as he rocks inside of me, his cock moving slow and deep.
I shudder beneath him, my hips churning up to meet him.
“I see you, and I love all of you,” he whispers again.
He moves his hands down the bed next to my body, sliding them under me to cup my ass and pull me against him. I bring my feet up and plant them on the bed on either side of his thighs so I can push my ass off the bed and meet each of his thrusts. With his hands clutching my ass, he helps me tilt my pelvis upwards so that each time he slides back inside, his cock pushes deeper than I thought possible.
He stops pushing and pulling his cock out of me, keeping himself buried to the hilt inside my pussy, with the lower half of my body still tilted up to meet him. He moves my hips in slow, tight circles around him, my clit rubbing against his pelvic bone while the head of his cock pushes against something deep inside of me that immediately sends shock waves through my sex. With my arms wrapped around his shoulders, I pull his body closer and push my hips harder and harder against him.
I shake and gibberish flies from my mouth, my body warning me the release that’s coming is going to be far more powerful than anything I’ve ever felt before. He’s too deep. He’s not deep enough. I’m overwhelmed with sensations and I feel his cock swell inside me when he keeps hitting that same spot.
“Do you feel how deep I am, Seraphina?” he asks in a low, tight voice, the sound of him using my full name sending a wave of pleasure through my pussy. “No one will ever feel you like this. No one will ever know you like this. Tell me it’s just me. Say I’m the only one.”
I sob as I grind my body faster against him. “Only you. Always you.”
His lips capture mine and my mouth opens to feel his tongue. It swirls around my own, making the connection between us that much more erotic. I’m so wet I can feel it dripping down the inside of my thighs as I rock and churn my hips faster against him and still, he holds his cock steady inside of me, letting me take over and grind against him. The upward angle of my hips and the way the head of his cock continues to bump against that spot so far inside of me drives me out of my mind. My hips are moving fast and erratically and I don’t know how DJ manages to continue to hold himself so deep. Within seconds, my release is barreling down upon me without any warning. My stomach flips in anticipation and my toes curl as I try to slow it down and stop it from happening so soon. I’m not prepared to feel the magnitude of this pleasure that has already stolen the breath from my lungs and made my pussy clench so tightly around him that I can feel each and every ridge and pulse of his cock inside me.
I try to hold myself back, to make this release build and slowly slip out of me like every other orgasm I’ve experienced, but it’s no use with the way the head of his cock pushes and presses against that glorious spot inside of me each time he pulls me into him and grinds himself against my clit. It’s like trying to stop a runaway train from going off the tracks and crashing into a brick wall. I come suddenly and so strongly that I cry out into DJ’s mouth. He sucks on my tongue and clutches my ass harder, holding me against him to ride out my release. The combination of his groin rubbing against my clit and his cock hitting my g-spot prolongs my orgasm past the point of what is normal. I feel pleasure from the inside and it flows out, washing over my pussy in wave after wave of intensity. I claw at his shoulders and back while I buck my hips against him, never wanting this feeling to end.
DJ pulls his mouth away from me, resting his forehead against mine as he moans loudly.
“Fuck, you’re coming so hard. I can’t…fuck! I can’t stop, baby.”
He tries not to move, to make this last as long as he can, but I feel my pussy continue to clench around him and I know it’
s driving him crazy.
“Don’t stop,” I whisper, my body still soaring with the tingles and pleasure of my orgasm as he keeps his movements shallow, barely moving his cock in and out of me. “Fuck me. I need to feel you come.”
He curses, burying his face in the side of my neck as my words push him over the edge. I immediately feel him coming and I wrap my legs around him, using my thigh muscles to hold him deep. His body jerks and shudders against me while his cock pulses as he comes inside of me and I swear to God his come hits that fucking spot this time, forcing another smaller orgasm out of my body. It’s shorter than the first, but no less powerful as it rips through me and I throw my head back, crying out with pleasure.
His hips grind to a halt when he’s spent every drop of himself inside me and his body slumps on top of mine. I relish in the heavy feel of him, the way our chests move together to catch our breaths and the way I can feel his heartbeat thundering against my own. I don’t even care that we didn’t use a condom, I don’t care that I can feel his come dripping out of me, mixing with my own wetness on the inside of my thighs. He’s absolutely right. No one will ever know me like this. No other man will ever make me feel the things DJ does and I want to carry a part of him inside of me forever so that I never forget how I felt in this exact moment – loved, cherished and worth it all.
“I’m on the pill and I’m clean. I get tested every six months working at the hospital.”
DJ finishes tucking his work shirt into his pants and sighs audibly as he watches me nervously dig through my bag for something to wear today. I woke up this morning while he was still sound asleep, cursing myself for passing out completely naked as I quickly found my underwear under the covers and slipped them on, along with the t-shirt of his I discarded on the floor the night before. He could have lifted the covers at any moment and seen the marks on my hips, the euphoria from our love making last night going right out the window.