“We can’t go there,” she said quietly, willing herself to keep breathing.
“Why the hell not?”
“You swore in front of Jack,” she shrieked.
Lucas muttered something under his breath. In the backseat, Jack began to cry.
“See! Look what you did.”
“Me?” Lucas’s voice was a growl. “I’m not the one wound so damned tight I’m going to explode.”
His words hit her hard. She wasn’t wound tight. She’d been doing so much better. Except she really couldn’t catch her breath and Jack was crying. Up ahead she saw the familiar In-N-Out sign and swung into the parking lot. She parked and pointed to the door.
“Take him outside. Now!”
For once Lucas did as she asked. He got out and collected Jack. The two of them walked over to the grassy area beside the outdoor seating. Jen stayed in the car and tried to steady her breathing. She felt both cold and hot and her chest was so very tight.
She hung on to the steering wheel and concentrated on her breath. “If I can talk, I can breathe,” she said aloud, knowing the act of speaking would make her understand that she was okay.
After a few minutes, she started to calm down. What on earth had happened? Lucas was right—it was just a French fry. Why was she so hysterical?
She supposed a lot of the problem was Jack talking to everyone but her. She was filled with guilt over that. Plus the idea of putting him in day care had her on edge. But she knew she had to keep moving forward. She didn’t like where she was in her life right now. She didn’t like who she’d become. She had to get things in perspective.
She sucked in one last breath, then grabbed her bag and got out of the car. Jack was fine, playing with his toy raccoon, but Lucas seemed wary.
“Better?” he asked, keeping his distance.
“Yes. I’m sorry. Of course we can have lunch here. I like their food.”
As for Jack, well, she would simply have to deal with any consequences.
They went inside and ordered. Lucas got a Double-Double, while she chose a regular hamburger. They agreed to split fries. She asked for water and Lucas got a vanilla shake with an extra cup and spoon.
She gave Jack a small portion of her burger, then put three fries on a napkin. He seemed more interested in pointing at cars driving by the window than eating.
She took a bite and nearly groaned. “I haven’t had one of these in forever. I’d forgotten how good they are.”
Jack ate some of his burger, then nibbled on a fry. He seemed to enjoy what he had but left the other two fries on the napkin. Because he was a kid and had access to tasty food all the time, she thought sheepishly. One fast-food lunch wasn’t any big deal. Life was all about balance, she reminded herself.
“I’m sorry I swore,” Lucas said unexpectedly. “I’ve been trying not to do that in front of Jack.”
“I know and I appreciate the effort. I guess I can be annoying.”
“You think? Maybe you should get your meds checked.”
She grinned. “That bad?”
“Not all the time. You’re loosening up, but you could stand to unwind a little more.”
“I know. I’m doing better. The talking thing threw me.”
“It would be hard on anyone.”
“Thank you.” She sipped her water. “You’re really good with Jack. Ever think about having kids of your own?”
Lucas glared at her. “Way to ruin the mood. No. I’m not the father type.”
“I don’t believe that. Of course, you’re too old, but given the age of your girlfriends, at least one of you would be around to see him or her graduate from college.”
“I’m ignoring you.”
“Then nothing has changed.”
He winked at her. “Sass. I like it.”
They finished their lunch. Jack ate one more fry, then had a spoonful of Lucas’s milk shake.
“Ready to brave the infested, germ-house of a day care center?” Lucas asked.
“Ha-ha. It’s not that bad.”
“That’s not what you were saying before.”
She stood and collected their trash. “I know, but it’s different now. The marvels of the modern pharmaceutical era.”
Lucas grabbed her arm. “It’s not the meds, Jen. It’s you. You’ve been working the program. Give yourself credit. You deserve it.”
“Thank you.” The unexpected compliment gave her a little boost. “That’s nice.”
“It’s true, and we both know I don’t do nice.”
“Is it too old, too?”
He grinned and scooped up Jack in his good arm.
They walked to the SUV. Lucas buckled her son in his car seat, then closed the back door. He opened the driver’s door for her.
“I’m going to head home tomorrow.”
It took her a second to realize what he meant. “You’re leaving?”
“I’ve already started physical therapy. I’ll be back on the job in a week. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
Which was all true, but so what? “I don’t want you to go,” she blurted. “I like having you around.”
“You need more to do with your day. Go back to work. Have another kid. Stay busy. You’re happier when you’re busy.”
He was right, but she knew her wanting him to stay wasn’t that general. “Lucas, you’re family.”
His green gaze settled on her face. “Thank you for that. I feel the same way. But you’re cramping my style.”
She knew he had to get back to his regular life, but still. “We’ll all miss you.” Funny how she started not liking Lucas at all and now she didn’t want him to move out of her house.
“You’ll see me all the time. I promise.”
“Good.”
She got in the car and they drove to the day care center. This time, when she parked out front, she saw the neighborhood was family focused. Across the street was the playground at Founders Park. The trees were mature, the lawns well kept.
“Nice,” Lucas said as he climbed out. “Do they take the kids over to the park?”
“I don’t know. We’ll have to ask.”
She got Jack out of his car seat. He seemed to remember the house and ran up to the front door. Jen and Lucas followed.
Rose answered, Buddy right behind her.
“Mrs. Beldon. How nice to see you again.” Rose turned to Lucas. “Mr. Beldon? A pleasure.”
Jen held in a chuckle at Lucas’s look of panic. “Please call me Jen,” she said. “And this isn’t my husband. This is Lucas. He’s a friend of the family. Kirk’s working, so he offered to come along.”
She helped Jack up the single stair, then crouched down. “Jack, honey, do you remember Buddy?”
Jack laughed and reached for the dog. Buddy bent his head, as if making himself more toddler-size. Jack squeezed his neck.
“Buddy used to be a service dog,” Jen told Lucas. “He’s good with the children.”
Lucas raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
Rose took them on a tour. This time Jen tried to look past the mess made by children. She found the windows were plenty clean, as were the toys. Rose showed her everything from the cleansers she used to the bathrooms. There was a security system in place, along with a Nanny-Cam set up that allowed parents to log in and watch what was happening at the house.
“It’s a secure network,” Rose told her. “We can’t have just anyone watching our babies.”
Jen got a copy of the schedule, which included what would be served for lunch and snacks, along with the movies that would be shown and academic subjects to be covered. While he was here, Jack would be introduced to the concept of letters and colors, along with shapes and numbers. By the time the t
hree of them left, she’d signed up Jack and paid for the first month of day care. She was starting him at three mornings a week. If that went well, she would expand the time.
“How are you holding up?” Lucas asked as they walked back to the SUV.
“It’s scary, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“Jack’s going to love it there.”
“I know. He’ll be around other children and that’s important. Children need to learn to socialize.”
“What about you, Jen? What do you need?”
She sighed. “I think I need to learn to get over myself.”
Chapter Twenty
Zoe was beginning to think that meeting her dad for breakfast had been a bad idea. Despite the fact that she needed to get more protein in her diet and she didn’t like cooking eggs at home, she wasn’t sure the delicious omelet had been worth the lecture.
“He’s the father of your baby,” Miguel said, his voice intense.
“I’m so very aware of that.”
“Do you want me to talk to him? Tell him what’s what? I could do that—man-to-man.”
Something she knew would not end well. She supposed most people would be worried about their dad. But Chad, for all his flaws, would fight fair. Miguel would not. Not exactly the normal quandary, Zoe thought as she sipped on her herbal tea. “I miss coffee.”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“I wasn’t. I was making an observation. Dad, I love you. You’re very sweet to worry about me, but I’m fine. And I’m not marrying Chad.”
“Because you don’t want to or because he hasn’t asked?”
She groaned. If they weren’t at the restaurant in the Inn at the Pier, she would start banging her head against the table. There was absolutely no way she was going to tell her father that Chad had proposed. Miguel would latch onto that tidbit and do his best to convince her all her problems were solved.
“For a man who has traveled the world several times over, you’re shockingly old-fashioned,” she said. “I miss Mom.” And way more than coffee, she added silently.
Her father’s eyes widened. “Why do you say that?”
“Because she would talk some sense into you. She would tell you to stop badgering me and start being supportive.” Plus, when a woman was pregnant for the first time, she wanted her mom around, Zoe thought wistfully.
“I’m not badgering you.”
“I feel badgered.”
“Then I’ll stop.”
“Really?”
“For now.”
She laughed. “Thank you for being honest.”
“I try. How are you feeling?”
“Great. I’ve been very lucky so far. Minimal morning sickness. Work is going well. Steven has been very supportive.”
Her father grimaced. “I don’t know how I feel about Steven.”
“Then it’s probably for the best the two of you aren’t dating.”
“Very funny.”
“Thank you. I think I have a future in stand-up.”
Her father shook his head. “You take after your mother. You know that, don’t you?”
“I like to think so, and thank you for the compliment. Not that you’re not wonderful, too.”
“I worry about you.”
“I know, Dad. But I’m fine. I’m going to have a baby without Chad. At least as little Chad as possible. I hope you’ll be supportive of that.”
“I’ll try. Where does Steven fit into the picture?”
“We’re still figuring that out.” She clutched her mug of tea. “I like him a lot. If I wasn’t pregnant, I would be drinking champagne and planning vacations to Hawaii. As it is, I’m cautiously optimistic, but taking things slow. There’s more than just me to consider. I have to worry about my child.”
And Steven, she thought, but knew better than to mention that to her dad.
“You think he can handle it? You having a baby?”
A legitimate question, Zoe thought. “He’s doing okay so far, but right now it’s just theory. We’ll see what happens when I start to swell up like a watermelon.”
“Your mother was beautiful the whole time she was pregnant with you.”
“You’re sweet to say that.” She put down her tea. “How are you doing, Dad? What’s been going on?”
“Not much.”
“What happened with Pam?”
Zoe knew their last conversation had gone badly but she hadn’t heard very much about her father and Pam.
“She and I disagreed.”
“Oh, you agree on one thing,” she said. “You both want me to marry Chad.”
He surprised her by shaking his head. “Actually she doesn’t. She disapproves of Chad very much and would be disappointed that I mentioned you marrying him.”
“What?” Pam taking her side. “I thought she hated me.”
“She doesn’t. In fact, my guess is Pamela’s reaction has nothing to do with you at all.”
Like she was going to believe that, Zoe thought, choking down another swallow of herbal tea.
“She lost her husband unexpectedly,” her father continued. “She suffered greatly and didn’t know how to deal with the grief. Pamela wants control so she can keep those she loves safe. With you pregnant by Chad, there is no way for her to protect Steven. That’s why she’s lashing out.”
Zoe stared at her father. “Oh. My. God. Have you been watching daytime television?”
He frowned. “You disrespect me. I’m disappointed.”
“Dad, come on. That’s not fair. I can’t believe you’re being so emotionally deep and understanding.” She groaned. “That came out wrong.” Note to self: breakfast with Dad was a very bad idea. “What I meant is, you’ve really been thinking about this.”
“I have. You should do the same. Be more understanding.”
“Is this before or after I marry Chad?” she grumbled. “I’m the one who’s pregnant. Shouldn’t she be more understanding of me?”
“Yes, but that is not going to happen, so it’s up to you.”
“I hate being the mature one in a relationship.”
He smiled. “I’m well aware of that, yet you continue to rise to the occasion.”
“So you’re okay with her attitude.”
His humor faded. “Not at all. She hurt you and that makes me angry. But I’m trying to understand why.”
“You must really like her.”
“I find her...intriguing.”
Zoe wasn’t sure what to do with the information. For a while she’d been all in when it came to her dad and Pam. She’d been a little flummoxed by her dating Pam’s son and Pam dating her father, but this was Los Angeles and she was sure things like that happened all the time here. But her pregnancy had changed everything.
“Are you going to pursue things?”
Miguel flagged down the waitress and asked for more coffee. “You want more tea?”
“No, I’m good.” She was awash in herbal deliciousness. At least for now.
She waited, knowing her dad would return to the subject at hand. Sure enough, when the waitress was gone, he said, “I haven’t decided what to do about Pamela. We’d only gone out a few times. I thought there was some potential, but now I’m less sure.” He smiled. “You’re my daughter. I will always be on your side.”
“Thank you for that.” She wanted to say that Pam was a bitch and they should all ignore her. Except she knew that Pam was actually a really nice person. She’d seen it for years. This was the first time she’d been on the receiving end of anything that wasn’t supportive and positive. Maybe she was an idiot, but she was willing to think her dad was right and that she should give Pam the benefit of the doubt.
“She’s very protectiv
e of her son,” she said. “Looking at it from the girlfriend perspective, I was upset. But I suspect my thoughts on that will change when I have my own child to worry about.”
Which was as close to “go for it” as she could get right now.
“There’s nothing to be done at this moment,” Miguel pointed out. “Pamela is on her cruise. I’ll decide what to do when she gets back.”
“Waiting for a sign?” she asked, teasingly.
“One never knows. Stranger things have happened.”
Zoe believed that. After all, she’d been given a bad birth control shot and was now pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s baby. That definitely fell into the “strange” category.
* * *
Pam stood on the corner with her friends and stared down at the double brick line that marked where the Berlin Wall had once stood. There were shops and restaurants and behind them the beautiful Berlin Ritz-Carlton Hotel. It was hard to believe that less than forty years ago, they would have been standing in the no-man’s-land between the two halves of the city.
She looked at the poster showing what it had been like before, then glanced around her. There were cars and buses. They were only a few steps away from luxury shopping. Her mind simply couldn’t reconcile the images.
“This is my favorite stop,” Laura announced, as she took pictures with her phone.
Olimpia laughed. “You say that at every stop. Each one is your favorite.”
“That’s not true.”
“Oh, but it is,” Eugenia confirmed. “Two days ago, Oslo was your favorite. Before that, Copenhagen. I’m sure when we get to St. Petersburg, that will be your favorite.”
Laura sighed. “Now I have to stop speaking to all of you. It’s very sad.”
Everyone laughed. Pam joined in, but more out of social politeness than because she thought the comment was funny. Not that it wasn’t. The problem wasn’t them, it was her.
Ever since leaving Mischief Bay, she’d felt strange. Off, somehow. Not sick, just out of sorts. Not that she knew what sorts were, but she was out of them for sure. Or sad. No, she wasn’t sad. She knew what that felt like. She’d lived and breathed it after she’d lost John. This was different.
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