by Alisa Mullen
I always took Johnny’s shit and gave it right back with pleasure. Brennan witnessing our exchange changed everything about my reaction. I didn’t want him to know I was a slut. I didn’t want him to think that he would be one of hundreds. He was different. So... I ran.
NINE
When I didn’t hear anyone in my bedroom anymore, I opened the bathroom door cautiously. My eyes went to a hotel note pad on the end of my bed. I walked over to it in a flash. Brennan had left a note. Well, he wrote one sentence and his phone number.
I walked out to the living area and picked up the phone.
“Lizzie?” I asked when I heard her cheery hello. “I need a different place to stay in Boston.” Minutes later, she and Nick had it all worked out with no questions asked.
The next morning, we all climbed into the town car to the airport. Johnny and I wouldn’t look at each other. I patted my jeans pocket to make sure Brennan’s note was still there. I looked out the window and slowly began to close my eyes. I had hardly slept. Once again, Johnny had reminded me why men sucked. I was so tired of playing the game, and considered leaving the band. I knew it wasn’t smart, since we already signed a contract but after the recording, I wanted to be as far from Johnny as possible.
How we went from amazing friends to worst enemies, was beyond me. Times were changing. The dream. I had the dream on the same day that Johnny ruined any hope of my actually liking another man. It made sense now. Well, fuck him, the OUIJA board, and everyone else in the world. Maybe I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. Is anyone listening? I wanted to change to be with Brennan. I needed to see him again.
“So, what happened to the love sick babies today?” Dex asked, looking from Johnny to me. I opened my eyes, startled at his amused voice. I scowled and briefly flashed my eyes over to Johnny, where he looked embarrassed and sad. I pursed my lips and went back to window watching.
“I fucked up, man,” Johnny said firmly. “Jules is never going to want me again. I ruined it all last night.”
It was nothing like Johnny to accept all the blame, so when he said that, both my body and my breath froze. I listened to him explain that he was a son of a bitch and that I had every right to never like, or even trust him again.
“Dude, what the hell did you do? We all know you’ll never give up on Jules. Where are the roses?” Dex asked as he looked over to me. I felt his gaze on the side of my face but I still didn’t move. Johnny always thought flowers fixed things. He would buy roses and paint them black. It was so romantic.
“He told it like it was,” I said blandly. “No roses left, Dex. No fucking roses.”
Johnny pulled his knees up and placed his fists into his eyes. I glanced over to see him start to shake. Was he crying? Jesus. Dex watched him, dumbstruck, and that was the end of the ‘morning after’ conversation. I had no more words for Johnny.
Everyone remained quiet as we made our way to the plane. Without looking at seat assignments, Dex took the aisle seat blocking me from having to look at Johnny. When we arrived at Logan Airport, I was so relieved to see two driver signs. One for Delaney and one for LSP. My solo ride was here, thanks to Lizzie. The guys looked thoroughly confused, as I strode up to the driver, tore the sign from his hands, and kept walking towards the town car.
Luckily, we didn’t start recording for a few days, so I took time to explore after I moved into a small furnished studio in Boston. I was close enough to walk to Nick’s recording studio and close enough to catch the train anywhere else. First thing first, since I would be here for a while, was finding the second hand shops in and around the city.
I loved shopping at thrift stores and I was determined to find one here that would outfit my entire upcoming tour. My favorite outfits came from women who were obviously either in a nursing home or are dead. Today I wore a 1950’s polyester, pleated dress. It was a white button up, sleeveless with a brown collar. I added my polka dot silk scarf, my brown clogs, and put my hair up in a half pony tail. I threw on my sun hat and sunglasses, to avoid recognition, and stepped out on the downtown streets of Boston. I smiled at the change in scenery. I loved this city.
As I walked down the street, I tried to get the iPhone app to Yelp so I could find the closest thrift stores. The music kicked on through my ear buds and Dinosaur Jr. rang through my ears. I stopped in my tracks, remembering how they were one of the first bands to shape my music style. They were phenomenal and helped me to envision the kind of lead singer I wanted to be. I got lost into the song. As I started to play the air guitar, someone tapped my shoulders, breaking me out of my reverie. I spun around, with eyes wide open in shock, and found the smiling brown eyes of Brennan Curtis.
It took me a moment to understand that he was standing in front of me. I pulled the ear phones out of my ears and gawked at him.
“Brennan?” I asked.
That was an absolutely pathetic thing to say. Of course, it was Brennan. I was officially pathetic and lost. Great. But why was he here? How did he know that I was in this exact spot outside the Prudential building? Was he following me?
“Julia?” He chuckled with those damn dimples, as he poked me on the arm. All further questions escaped my mind. I looked down at his finger, his touch, the way it automatically made me feel uncomfortable, but in a good way. It was in that moment. That simple touch. It was the mammoth ‘aha moment’ that I would never forget. He came to me in Boston. He came to touch me? And I felt the magnitude. I knew it for the first time. Brennan made me feel. I had feelings and excitement for another person. He wasn’t Kent or Johnny. He made me want to do life right by him. He made me want for more than just boozing, music, and sex.
“How... did you know I was here?” I asked, looking around to all the people walking in every direction around us. My eyes landed back on Brennan. I noticed his glasses were gone. He had a dark blue mechanic’s jacket with a patch on the left side that read, “Brennan”. It wasn’t dirty with stains, but crisp and obviously well taken care of. Underneath, he had a white v-neck tee shirt on and gray jeans that were worn and ripped. His black leather belt made him look both sophisticated and fashionable. It was exactly what I would have dressed a guy in. I wanted to call him mine and I didn’t know anything but his name.
Brennan held up his hands in defense. “Before I tell you, promise me that you won’t freak out,” he said cautiously.
I smiled brightly at him. “I don’t freak out, Brennan. I get even.” His eyes searched mine, like was waiting for me to tell him that I was just joking. I wasn’t. I would surprise him one day, too, because this guy wasn’t going anywhere. I saw a future with him. Us standing on the streets of every city–staring at each other. Okay, I wanted in.
“Is that why you aren’t living with Johnny while you record your next album?” he asked. I cocked my head to the side with continued interest. Brennan had done his homework and knew a lot about me. Julia, you need to stop smiling now. I nodded once.
“I thought you would call me last night or this morning, Julia. I thought we had... I thought we decided to get to know one another. It’s the pull. Shit, I can feel it now. I felt it the whole drive here,” he shook his head with embarrassment, and looked down to the ground. I said nothing.
“You affect me. I thought you were interesting before, when I hadn’t met you yet. I thought you would be a rock star bitch,” he laughed. It was hollow. “You are a bitch but a good one and you are so much more than that. I don’t see you as a famous rock star. Don’t get me wrong, I downloaded all of your songs and your voice is amazing,” he rambled, starting to sound a bit like a fan. I waved my right hand in a circle, telling him to move along.
“So, when you didn’t call, I guess I became obsessed to know why not. I contacted the studio and Lizzie told me that I was fan boying?” He quirked his left eyebrow up and he smiled wide. I blushed, as I barked out such a loud laugh that people stopped in their tracks to look at where the noise came from. I put my hand over my mouth and started to giggle. I giggled and
it felt so damn good to giggle with Brennan.
“She had to explain what that meant. So, yeah, I guess I am fan boying,” he conceded, suddenly looking uncomfortable as he put his hands in his pockets. I suppose that didn’t sit well with him. I mirrored his stern face until it morphed into a smirk.
“You are not a fan boy, Bren. Fan boys ask for autographs, pictures, and as the shutters go off, fan boys feel me up,” I assured him. “You wouldn’t even let me kiss you.”
“You just called me Bren.” he said it in awe, his hand going up to touch the underside of my cheek.
I shrugged my shoulders, not understanding. “I don’t want to be all serious with you. I want fun.”
“That’s really... perfect,” he said, as he let the words linger in the air. I waited for the rest of his story to come but he just stared at me. “This feeling is so weird, Julia.”
“So how did you find me here?” I asked, pointing down to the ground.
“Oh right,” he chuckled. “So. You didn’t call, Julia. I needed to see you. I closed down the shop and drove up here, only to realize that Boston is kind of a big city.”
He scratched the back of his neck and looked perplexed.
“I called the studio and as luck would have it, the phone was forwarded to Lizzie’s cell. She told me about your apartment and where to find you. When I pulled up, you were leaving. I found a place to park and ran after to you. So... here I am,” he said as he mimicked my pointing down to the ground.
“Hmmm. And you want to know why I didn’t call?” I asked.
He nodded as he searched my eyes, even though my sunglasses were firmly in place. I knew these glasses still showed my eyes up close so he wasn’t looking at reflective mirrors.
“I think Johnny made it pretty clear the type of girl I am, Bren-nan,” I answered, using his full name.
“What type of girl is that?” he asked, moving closer to me. His chest was almost touching mine and I readjusted my hat.
“Umm,” I said, enunciating the m with a quick end to the word. “I am a slutty lead singer of a rock and roll band. That is my type.”
I took off my sunglasses and stared straight into his eyes to show that I wasn’t joking. It wasn’t self-deprecating. It didn’t feel like it anyway. It was a factual statement that had always been about me. I couldn’t remember a time that I didn’t just sleep with whomever and whenever and for absolutely no reason. I wanted to sleep with Brennan when I saw him in the crowd that night but at the hotel, he had turned me down–so he wasn’t my type.
His note afterwards that read, “You are so beautiful inside and out” left me breathless and confused. Those foreign feelings were short lived as I remembered what happened. He didn’t really know me and I realized I didn’t want to fuck him. He wasn’t my type of people. He didn’t know the rules of the club. He didn’t belong at that concert or in my hotel room that night.
“A slutty what?” he asked incredulously. “No, no forget it. I don’t want to know. So, that’s why you didn’t call me?”
I nodded with a look that said obviously.
“Bad move, Julia,” Brennan retorted. He closed the space between us and enveloped me in to a firm hug. I felt him shaking a bit and all the wind knocked out of me. I put my hands up and hugged him around his hips, as I closed my eyes into the sweet oblivion.
He kissed my temple and grabbed one of the earphones dangling from around my neck to put it in his ear. I pressed play on the iPhone still in my hand. Dinosaur Jr. rang through again as Brennan put the other plug in my ear from behind. J. sang about how he knew she was out there to love and Brennan smiled into my cheek.
“Such a perfect song about us.” His voice vibrated soundly against my cheek. “J. Mascis wrote about true love, you know. I know you’re in there.”
He hummed over the music while he insistently hugged me for what felt like hours. I was falling hard, and fast, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.
TEN
Boston, Massachusetts
Brennan pulled away from me and smiled down into my eyes. His lips touched my cold nose and I closed my eyes at the warmth of them. He slid his hand down my body and intertwined our hands. I looked down, regarding them quizzically. Had anyone ever held my hand like this? It felt amateur before but so deeply intimate with Brennan. Little sparks of excitement spread all over my skin.
As I gazed at our fingers, and turned our hands around in examination, a face flashed into my mind. A little twelve year old boy. I saw him there, smiling at me, as we headed down to the canoes at camp. Fred? Frank? Frank! He was the first boy I held hands with. The first boy I kissed. It was also the beginning part of the dream, that I could never remember when I woke up.
I remembered that part now because holding hands with Frank was the last time I recall having this feeling of excitement for a boy. It was thrilling and new. It was fresh, like cut green grass, and yellow butterflies looking for the flowers on the edge of the large lawn. It smelled delicious. It looked brand new. Only amazing things happen in this feeling and I never wanted to let it go.
“Julia?” Brennan broke into my thoughts.
“Hmm?” I hummed, looking up into his dark eyes.
“Where did you go, Julia?” I closed my eyes, inhaled the cold air, and his sweet scent of attraction in one breath. I am right here. I am letting you in.
“I was thinking about the last time I held a guy’s hand and when it made me feel this... this special,” I answered quietly. I felt like a little girl, vulnerable, and naïve. Something in the back of my mind screamed that this wasn’t me. I am Jules, the lead singer of a rock band. I can have anything or anyone I want. I am a bad ass, bitchy, slut.
“I like your hands,” he smiled as he took both of them into his. “They are small and very beautiful.” And just like that, listening to his words and holding hands, Brennan erased that rocker girl and replaced her with the little girl once again.
I looked at him and squeezed his hands. I didn’t want to break our moment so I cuddled back into his chest, over our adjoined hands.
“Tell me, Brennan. Why are you here? Don’t you have to work tomorrow?” I probed. I knew what I wanted his answers to be and I sent up a silent prayer that he would tell me he quit his job to be with me. He was in love and wanted me all the time. Damn. Did I just think that? I must be going crazy.
“Well, like I said, I came here for you. I want to spend time with you. Let me spend time with you. As for work, I own a graphic design company and work from home. As long as the hotel has internet, I can work from here,” he stated. He moved his lips to my ear and kissed them softly, making them warm. “The answer to your questions will always be because of you, Julia.” This was so deep. It caught me off guard and I remembered that we were standing here, practically feeling each other up in public.
“Graphics?” I asked, pulling back and trying to regain composure for public. I adjusted his shirt sleeve to see his tattoos. “Did you design these?”
Brennan hesitated, took a piece of my black hair, and tucked it behind my ear. I knew he wanted to tell me more but he simply nodded.
“And you met Lizzie’s Sean at a tattoo show? Are tattoos all that you do?” I asked.
“Yeah. I met Sean at a design convention. Tattoos are small jobs. I design logos, album covers, book covers... you know, lots of different stuff. I have a partner and we split the work,” Brennan informed me like he was rattling off something he had said a million times. It felt bland. He didn’t seem passionate about his work. I didn’t want to pry too much. I suppose when you do something so long it becomes so familiar that there isn’t any more excitement. I know playing music is exciting and I felt it. But what so many people didn’t know is that I am most passionate when they lock me in the vocals booth and I sing my heart out just for myself.
“Album covers? Have you approached Nick yet?” I asked, poking him in the stomach. He winced but then smiled.
“If I made your album cover,
Julia, Johnny and Dex wouldn’t even be on it,” he said in a low, husky voice. He closed into my face and placed his lips on mine. We leaned into each other’s lips like they were supposed to be attached in a sensuous play of skin and muscle and passion. We didn’t open our mouths to explore for more. My heart and lungs felt like they were going to abruptly stop.
It was so overwhelming and it felt right. I didn’t even know Brennan and I broke the kiss for fear that I was going to start crying. I had the sudden urge to bawl and I never cried. I don’t even remember the last time I did. Something about Brennan made me want to throw up everything in my soul and make him want every bit of it, despite its ugliness.
“May I buy you a cup of coffee, Julia?” he whispered into my ear. He leaned down and placed a light kiss under my ear. I nodded as I caught my breath.
“I suppose since you drove all this way the least I can do is have a cup of coffee with you,” I smirked. I grabbed onto his hand harder and we swung our hands as we walked down towards Newbury Street.
That night, I asked Brennan to forego the hotel and stay with me. He was cautious. It finally took me telling him that I wouldn’t jump his bones in his sleep for him to concede.
“I am not worried about you, Julia. Shit... I am really not good with words.” He looked terrified.
“I think you are magic with words,” I countered. I put my hand on his tatted arm and noticed a tattoo of three building blocks. A, B, and C. Childlike. Cute. What the hell did it mean? I shook my head and brought myself back to the moment. “Tell me the facts,” I said.
“Ok. The facts. Yeah, I can do that,” he said on a large exhale. “I wanted to meet you in NYC because I watched an interview you did one night and there was just something about you. I couldn’t escape thinking about you as a real person. You weren’t on some music high horse but when you sang, it was so passionate. You are so talented but so guarded. You don’t want people to know you, do you?”