by Alisa Mullen
“Yes,” I whispered. Johnny exhaled loudly. “Johns, I didn’t know. I forgot. I missed him and when I saw him, I don’t know. It was tunnel vision. I fucked up. I fucked up.”
“No one ever even suspected us. No one ever knew I was in love with you. Even on stage. Why is that, Jules?” Johnny asked me in a softer tone. He was still hurt. I had still shoved Brennan in his face on fucking national television. I didn’t have to say it was definitely over anymore. I went public with the man I wanted to love and hate. I was so fucked up.
“Get rid of him. I will be there in a little while. Danielle is freaking pissing her pants. Brennan said his fucking name on television. They are searching the whole state of New York for him. It didn’t help that he picked you up in a Black Jetta with plate numbers in clear view,” he said. He was mocking me now. I was a stupid whore and it hurt worse than if he had just come out and said it.
I pushed the off button and went to the bar. Half the tequila bottle was gone and I tipped it back twice to settle my hangover shakes and my publicity kill image nerves. Brennan walked to me. I handed him the bottle with a half-smile.
“Your life is about to change. For the ultimate worse. I hope last night was worth it for you,” I said sarcastically.
“My marriage is in pieces and I don’t give a fucking damn, so yes, it was worth it. She saw me and you on television. She saw the passion in the way we hugged. That’s why she fucking tricked me. I was her dog with the bell last night and I am so very sorry,” he earnestly apologized as he brushed his hand along the side of my face.
“Pavlov. He always goes to the food,” I deadpanned. Brennan shook his head vigorously. I felt my sad but compassionate smile and watched him register my knowing look in a series of emotions.
“I am a tiny blip on your life map, Bren. So tiny. You married your wife for a reason and God help me for being a part in a cheating marriage because whether you have the rules or not, I would never ever be okay with sharing you as my husband. Those are my rules,” I admitted. “So you need to find your way out of this hotel without being seen. You need to go home to your wife. Have a baby or buy a fucking house. Figure your marriage shit out but just... forget about me. I have a wonderful life. I have my brother, my mother, and my band. I am good.”
He grabbed me and held me tight. I didn’t cry although I really fucking needed to. I ran through all of the guys that led up to this one. The ones I let use me. The ones I used. The ones that felt dirty. The ones that wanted marriage. The one who stood by me through it all. Brennan was my biggest temptation that I couldn’t refuse. He was the one who got away before I even met him.
SEVENTEEN
2 YEARS LATER
2012
Portland, Oregon
“Do you think I suck ass at that solo part?” I asked no one in particular. I had abruptly stopped my rendition of It’s Your Solid Rock on stage at the MAX, one of the hottest venues in the Northwest. We would be playing the massive venue the following day and I was screwing around with the awesome acoustics. Situated in the Gorge and with a stunning view out the back of the auditorium, I was alone on stage, playing to no one. Johnny and Dex were somewhere in the building, working on some technical difficulties, and there was a handful of people setting up lights and equipment.
“Nah, you sounded perfect,” a guy in a gray suit yelled out to me from behind the sound booth. “I was listening. Real good. You own that stage.”
I bowed to him and then blew him a kiss, whoever he was. I started to strum again, trying to come up with our set list for the next night. The boys always left me in charge of it and I was trying to pick songs that mirrored this incredible place. After a few beats, Johnny came up behind me and kissed me on the cheek.
“You look beautiful today, sweets.” His short buzzed cut hair and silver lip ring sparkled in the mixture of the stage light and the fresh natural light coming from the outside windows. I kissed him softly on the lips.
“You don’t look so bad yourself, Johns,” I said in my most seductive voice. “Maybe we should quit this whole band thing and make a living out of giving each other compliments all day.”
Johnny went to the microphone. “My girlfriend says we can have sex all day instead of this shit. So, we quit. Consider this our last gig.”
Dex rolled his eyes and muttered “Love Sick Ponies is a shit name anyway.”
Johnny and I decided to go public with our rekindled relationship in an interview with K105.8FM BLISS radio in San Francisco less than two weeks ago. It was a fantastic day. I felt like I could breathe again. People knew my relationship status so they basically backed off of me for once.
The whole Brennan debacle blew up in our faces and Danielle had stuck James, who happened to be ex-marine on me for weeks. I was grounded to the tour bus and could only leave for food and water. Even then, shit, it was just depressing.
Johnny made it his business to be the entertainment segment of the treacherous time out. He built a puppet stage out of some milk crates and got costume designers at one show to help him make puppets of us, as ourselves. Mine was brooding and actually pretty fucking hot. He didn’t hold out in the boob department. I also noticed that puppet Johnny had a bigger bulge in his pants than puppet Dex. Poor Dex. His girl broke up with him... again and he seemed fine most days. Beating the drums helped and well, watching the bullshit I was going through made him decide that he didn’t want the drama of a girl after all.
The puppet shows and pizza parties, filled with loud My Little Pony themed cracker toys from children’s party stores, made us bond over full bellies and cramped quarters. After weeks of writing songs and talking into the early hours of the morning on our tour bus, Johnny kissed me. It was nice and familiar. He was a new Johns. I didn’t know what happened but the same funny guy that made me laugh until my stomach split in two was back. He never looked at women... ever. He only wanted me.
I kissed him back with hunger. Both of us realized, and talked persistently about how we didn’t want the life of the after party, the after concert sex, or the pendulum of good and bad vibes between us. In short, we were meant to be best friends, lovers, and we believed we had a solid future together. We confessed to everything we had done while we were separated and he confessed to some things he had done while we were together. I knew that I felt something for him because knowing that the busty blonde that night wasn’t his first misstep made me sad and angry. He apologized profusely and we worked it out, promising that we were starting a clean slate.
We both got tested and after we got our results, Johnny took me to a beautiful five star hotel overlooking Atlanta, Georgia. It was a beautiful night of both love making and full out ripping off clothes sex. We slept for the following two days on the bus, cuddled up in each other’s arms.
I will never forget one important turning point night in our relationship. It was weeks after we had solidified our relationship in Atlanta. I expelled everything about Brennan because I knew it was eating at both of us. I told him the truth about how Brennan had made me remember and see how I had let men take advantage of me year after year. Brennan had expelled the bank of memory pushbacks. I think we both made peace with him that night, maybe even thanking him for showing me that I didn’t want to be that girl anymore. It was, after all, just as much my fault as it was Brennan’s, that we hooked up or maybe even, fell in love. The latter I would never say out loud to anyone ever again.
If Brennan had been honest with me from the get go about his marital status, I don’t know if I would have turned him down or not. When I told Johnny this, he thanked me for being honest. Of course, he wanted to hunt down Jason #2 and the professor to bash them into pieces with a machete. Is that even possible? When I laughed, he gave me a sympathetic and loving look. A look that shattered another piece of the plastic confidence I showed the world. I will never forget how he said that those experiences were not my fault. He then cuddled me all night while I cried in his arms.
“What time do we head
over to Kent’s?” Johnny asked as he took my hand and played with the ring he had gotten me. It wasn’t the ring. It sat on my right ring finger and it was a black diamond that matched both my hair and my heavy eye makeup.
Kent was living in Vancouver, Washington now with his wife, Chloe and their two little girls, Claire and Marina. They were close to teens now and it had been years since I had seen them. I was itching to hug them all and give them the largest of LSP swag bags. Kent had said that the girls were crooning that Johnny was “so hot”. I was pretty sure they were only excited to see him.
“Let’s go soon. We can grab dinner and spend a good amount of time with them before we have to head back tomorrow afternoon,” I said, thinking about our timeline. Being on the road had been hard for all of us. It was our longest headline tour to date and I hadn’t seen my mom, though she still didn’t accept my career or fashion choices.
Johnny complained that he missed his babbling psychotherapist mother and younger sister, Tiffany, back in Baltimore. We were looking forward to seeing family and being a regular, normal couple. Dex had a friend in town, so he was going to hook up with her. Since he had been single, it seemed he had a “friend” in every city we played in.
Two hours later, we pulled up to Kent’s large ranch style house on a big lawn. I saw two long dark haired girls running around with flowers and bubbles in hand, laughing at their dog. Kent opened the front screen door and I practically mangled Johnny to get to him. We hugged each other so tightly.
“I have missed you so much, Julia Child,” he said into my hair. I couldn’t help it. My eyes misted up and I wished for the days we were back in the Merrimack house playing guitar and laughing at each other’s high pitched singing. But Kent’s graying hair showed his years and as he took Johnny’s hand, the girls came to the front stairs and stared at Johnny and me in awe. I turned slowly and smiled.
“My beautiful nieces. My goodness, you could be my babies,” I said. Chloe came out of the screen door with a smile while wiping her hands on a hand towel.
“Didn’t you know, Jules? They are yours. Time to take them back!” she said with excitement. Kent rolled his eyes and went to chase after the girls. Johnny and I both hugged Chloe at the same time. She was a little petite dark haired beauty. Kent wasn’t worthy of her patience and generosity. When I had first met her, it was her that told him to mind his own business when it came to my seductive clothing and piercings. To prove that she was supportive, I took her to a tattoo salon one day and she had a nipple pierced. Kent never said a word again.
She eyed Johnny’s new lip ring. “That’s pretty hot, rock star.”
He gave her his wide amused grin and put his arm around my shoulder. “This girl is the only hot rock star presently.”
“Presently?” I asked facetiously.
“Yeah. Sometimes you are smoking or sexy. Beautiful or gorgeous. There is a plethora of words to describe you Jules,” he said. Chloe watched us in amusement and then started to make the gagging noise.
“Well, let’s get you to the guest room and settled. We are so happy you are in town for a show. We would bring the girls but the pot smoke and mosh pit wouldn’t go over well with Big Daddy.”
We walked into our guest room, laid our bags on the bed, and sighed in contentment. Johnny looked nervous all of a sudden and I watched him suspiciously.
“Johnny, what’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing. Not a thing. Just... tired, I guess. What do we do now?” he asked. He looked lost. It had been so long since we had a house full of people to hang out with, that we were both a little wary of what was expected of us.
We went into the girl’s playroom and handed over their presents. Johnny had picked up two Bratz dolls that looked like rock stars. I gave them pink tee shirts with the band’s logo on it. On the back, we wrote Delaney, Johnny and Dex, and we all signed the short sleeves. You’d think we had given them a million dollars.
After a while of playing with the dolls, Johnny got up and looked into the closet to inspect what other toys they had.
“Holy... cow,” he said, stopping himself from swearing as he brought down a game board box. I watched as he placed it on the floor and my heart stopped. It was the OUIJA board. The... my OUIJA board. I knew it because I had written my initials on it the day after Krysta gave it to me so she wouldn’t take it back.
“Mommy says we can’t play that one yet. She says it is too scary and might give us nightmares,” Claire said as she brushed her doll’s hair. Johnny shot a quick smirk at me and stopped.
My face must have been ashen pale and dead looking. I was immediately transported back to the summer of 1993. Emmy. Angie. Grace. Murder. Dad. Slut. I was going to be a slut when I grew up. Slut, slut, slut. Johnny tried to pull me out of my trance but it didn’t work. I wasn’t there with Johnny and the girls. I was a twelve year old girl asking her older brother what slut meant.
“Do you want to play?” Johnny asked, tapping on my shoulder.
I shook my head. “I can’t play that game.” I looked at the board in horror and the words sounded like I was under water, sputtering for air.
I wanted to scream to everyone that would listen that the fucking game works, it tells the truth, and it ruins people. Johnny just stared at me in confusion. I was numb and yet somewhere in the back of my chest, I felt a pang of pain.
“Hey, where did you find that one?” Kent’s voice boomed through the play room. Claire and Marina scrambled up to show Kent the dolls but his gaze locked on the box and then slowly moved up to my face. He saw my blank shock. He saw something that made him instantly tense. He muttered a word under his breath and looked back to me with resolve.
“Girls, I need your aunt for a little while. Johnny, can you watch over them?”
Johnny nodded, looking confused as he looked at Kent and my gaze on one another.
“Julia.” He cleared his throat. “Jules? I need to speak with you for a minute,” Kent asked or demanded, I didn’t know. His words were fighting with his tone of voice. He looked at me, looked purposely at the box, and then back at me. He lifted his eyebrows and I knew. We both had a story to tell about that board. His stare told me he needed to know what it had done to me.
I stood up on shaking legs and Johnny tried to steady me from his sitting position. I pecked his lips as he searched my eyes with concern. He would know soon enough. But I needed to know first.
EIGHTEEN
Kent took my hand and tucked it underneath his elbow, as we walked down the long dirt driveway. I could see Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helen’s from the high elevated land that Kent’s house laid on. It was breathtaking. The landscape was so unlike any horizon in the North East and I could see why Kent loved it here. I didn’t think he would ever make his way back to New England for good. I felt a tinge of sadness at that thought. We all grew up and moved on from our little town.
“You really have a beautiful family and place here, big brother,” I said, smiling at his success. He had taken to music in a different way. Still a musician at heart, Kent was working with a big software company in Oregon to produce music applications for phones and tablets.
“Thanks. I still can’t believe my little sister is the lead singer in one of the hottest bands this year,” he said, his eyes wide with amazement, as he shook his head slowly.
I pushed his shoulder and laughed at him.
“I owe it all to you, you goof. Well, you and Dinosaur Junior and Portishead and... ”
“Yeah, whatever. I only taught you about hand placement and chords. Anyone could have done that,” he said dismissively.
“But it was you,” I declared, with admiration in my voice. “You, Kent, were the one that taught me that and much more. You taught me about patience. That was the biggest lesson. I don’t know how many times I wanted to beat that guitar against the wall. Actually, I think I tried once but you grabbed me before it connected.”
Kent laughed and nodded at me. He remembered, too and I smirked. I love
d him like a brother and like a father. Maybe we had a bum deal with a full time working single mother but it didn’t look so bad today as we walked together in healthy and happy contentment.
“The OUIJA board,” Kent began. My whole body stiffened and I flicked my gaze up to his dark eyes, which were glued to mine.
“Shit,” he groaned, stopping in place, and rubbing his hands over his face. “I knew that it happened to you, too. I just didn’t want to believe it. I guess I just thought... fuck.”
I whipped my head around and looked at Kent. What did he know?
“What do you mean by too?” I asked slowly and cautiously. Maybe I didn’t want to know the answer. Wait. I did want to know the answer. I didn’t want him to say the word I had stuck in my head. I wanted him to tell me it was all a mirage of shitty memories.
“You and your two friends did the board one day. I remember it because that night you asked me...,” he coughed as he blushed a bit. “You asked what a slut was.”
I nodded my head, eyes wide open, holding my breath like I was under water, and waited to see how long it would take for me to surface.
“You got slut right? From the board?” he asked. “Who got nice and who got crazy?” He was dead serious. He wasn’t fucking with me and I started to tear up as I realized he knew what I had been for years.
“How do you know?” I whimpered.
“I was dating that girl. Krysta? You remember her, I am sure. She and I grabbed the box from your closet one night while you were sleeping. We decided to take it to a party. When we did the board, we got Grace,” he said as he blew out a big breath and looked up at the wide, blue sky.