by Alisa Mullen
“Do you want me to leave now, Julia?”
The air between us was thick. I could already feel his lips devouring mine. His soft words that I was his and he would only ever love me. He would pick me up and make sweet love to me on this striking Monday morning in my beautiful house.
“I don’t think I do. No.” I was confused and sad and terrified but I didn’t want him to leave me.
“Good. I wouldn’t have listened anyway.”
His response sent chills up my thighs and I rubbed them hard to get rid of the goose bumps. He watched me. Brennan perused my breasts in my braless tank. He studied my muscular legs. He caught his breath when his eyes found my lips parted as I watched him inspecting me.
He came so close that I could smell the familiar scent. Him. It sparked everything. It made me think home and run and love and off limits and love. His chin went to the side of my throat and he tickled my earlobe with his breath.
“I am going to fight for you. Hard. I am going to fight to get back in your life so hard that you won’t know what hit you. You wrecked me when you walked off two years ago. But I am here. My two arms are going to hold you and they won’t let go until one of us is dead.” His words were slow and they were beautiful. When he finished, he stayed right next to my ear like he was going to say more. I waited. He didn’t say anything so I nodded my head.
“I believe you,” I said quietly.
He moved back from me with purpose.
“Well, now that we understand that. I have to get a move on back to Brooklyn. I have lots to do. I will be back in a few days,” he said as he went to my cell phone on the nook and typed in a number which turned out to be his from the sudden ringing from his shorts.
I was jumpy so when he moved about the kitchen collecting the mug and putting it in the sink, I followed him on red alert. When he turned back to me, he placed his beautiful soft lips onto my cheek for a long moment. While he kissed me, I felt our sensual passion for one another. It was an incredible kiss.
“I will call you but if I don’t, it isn’t because I am not thinking of you. It is because I can’t stop thinking about you and I will be getting things tied up to come home here to you,” he admitted. “I am so in love with you, Julia Delaney. I always will be.”
I nodded, totally speechless. When he walked out the door, he gave Loves a quick scratch and told him he would see him soon. My hand went to my cheek and I watched him walk down my lawn and out of sight from my kitchen window.
And, I missed him already.
TWENTY-NINE
I remember as a kid being so excited when I knew someone was coming to visit. I would clean my room so prettily and get out the nice stuffed animals to show off. My aunts, uncles, and their kids were so much fun to have around the house. The silence that took up most nights with just Mom was unbearable sometimes. Our visitors made our house hop. It was fantastic. The crazy critters in my stomach would make me speak in a high pitched voice. I would giggle more. I would jump around the house. When it was time for them to arrive, I would wait outside in the driveway cross legged. I watched every single car drive by.
All those memories of having a visitor rushed back to me as I waited for Brennan to reappear on the island. We got a good amount of rain on Tuesday and Wednesday but I hauled my ass down to the ferry landing anyway in the hopes that I would catch that gorgeous head of black curls.
I imagined the moment he would see me and we would rush into each other’s arms. I would show him how I redecorated the kitchen just a little and make something scrumptious to eat. I had lobsters but with each day that went by, I decided to give them to the girls so that they could have a feast.
Joanie opened the door and took in my pitiful look. I hadn’t showered that day and I knew I smelled. Joanie and Kelly were slightly hyper-neurotic at self-care. Hell, probably everyone was but these girls had the island capris and polo shirt look down. They always looked so put together. Compared to them, I felt like the homeless little girl begging for food at their door tonight.
“He hasn’t called?” she asked me.
I shook my head. “He told me it was because he was getting his life in order to come be with me but what does that even mean? Is he moving here? Is he just fucking with me and letting me hang out to dry like I did to him?” I was whiny. Joanie and Kelly didn’t deserve that. They loved me when I was strong. I had to pretend I was strong.
Fuck that.
“You know, I used to call my confidence ‘plastic’,” I admitted with air quotes around the word plastic.
“I believed that I was a fake. What people saw on the outside was so far from my true inner self. I had such poor self-esteem,” I said on a sigh.
“Now? I feel like my confidence is made of thin glass. Thanks so fucking much to Brennan Curtis. He made my confidence turn from steel to glass in one conversation. If I don’t get to have him, my glass confidence will shatter and it will make bloody wounds for us all.”
Kelly started clapping as she walked down the hall to meet us. She was mocking me for my dramatic soliloquy. She took me in her arms and we hugged for a long while.
“Oh sweetie,” she cooed in a comforting way. “That man adores you. He was practically falling over himself when he checked out. He left a suit behind in the room and when I called him, he said to hold on to it. He would be back for it.” She gave me a bigger squeeze to reassure me that he will be back.
“I love him, Kel,” I whimpered. I don’t know why I had the urge to tell them. I just needed them to know that my heart was on the line and I needed them now more than ever.
Joanie was behind her and she nodded with a pouty sad look on her face.
“We know. And we also know you brought us yummy lobsters!” Kelly did a little happy dance as I handed the paper bags over to her.
“They were supposed to be for us,” I pouted as I cross my arms over my chest.
“You were going to cook lobsters on his first night back?” Joanie looked horrified. Kelly tapped Joanie on the shoulder before she kissed her cheek.
“Poor girl doesn’t know romance, sweetheart,” she taunted.
An hour and two bottles of Pink Moscato later, the three of us were doing really good work at cracking into the shells, sucking the juice, and picking meat out of every little piece.
I wiped my hands on a towel when I was done and took a long sip of wine.
“So? I should just chill?” I rhetorically asked the girls.
“You could call him,” Joanie said as she lifted one shoulder.
I shook my head vigorously. “If I am totally right about him punking me, I am going to stay far away from a situation that could make me feel worse. Jesus, I could call and Sasha might answer the phone,” I groaned.
“Sasha is the blond girl he was with, right?” Kelly asked with a smile.
“Yep, long beautiful legs,” I answered, staring out into space as I took another sip from the wine glass. All I got was air. Joanie was right there with a refill.
“Darling, that girl was no one. She was here for some wedding and he was her date. When she checked out Sunday morning, she didn’t look very pleased that he wasn’t going with her.” Joanie looked at me and her eyebrows lifted in a knowing expression.
“He dumped her?” I asked belligerently.
“Who says dumped anymore? What are you? Twelve?” Kelly scoffed.
“Ok, ok. He broke it off then?” I asked seriously.
Both nodded, looked at each other, looked back at me and nodded again.
“Oh yeah. She told us to put the bill on the ass face that she came with. Five minutes later he came down to ask if he could have the room for another night.” Kelly was near doubling over as Joanie was stone cold serious. It was obvious who wore the pants. Joanie was stoic, broad, and had an edge. Kelly was all flair and emotions.
“Holy shit,” I muttered. “He didn’t even know where I lived yet.” I looked down at my flip flops and wondered when he came out and asked.
“Well, not until I told him about thirty five seconds later. That was the next question out of his mouth,” Kelly laughingly replied.
“Ugh,” I groaned as I put my head in my hands. I was hopeless. This whole waiting around bullshit was for the birds. Immediately, I knew what it felt like to know nothing.
Oh. My. God. Two years of feeling like this? How could he ever forgive me? I promised myself then and there that I would contact people I really, truly cared about in the future. I would be a better communicator or whatever. I would keep in touch.
‘Ok, promise done. Brennan, come back to me,’ I thought.
I left the girls’ bed and breakfast with a little drunk on. I sang Coldplay’s Speed of Sound in a deep, raspy voice, which didn’t match Chris Martin’s version at all. I still tried all the way back to my house. When I got there, Loves wasn’t barking. That was not like him. I called out his name but still nothing.
I went up through the back door and started flipping on lights everywhere. When I made to the great room, there were piles of boxes and shit everywhere. In the middle of that was the couch. On the couch was Brennan and Loves cuddled up with one another, sleeping. My heart dropped to the floor. He moved in with me. He was here. This was really happening.
I walked quietly out of the room to try to catch my breath because I seriously was going to start bawling.
“Julia?” Brennan called out to me. Loves lifted his head, sighed, and put it back down on Brennan’s thigh. “Was that you I heard singing? What was it? Coldplay?”
“Hey you,” I said with a grin. “I was trying my vocals out on the road. It’s been a while. Better than that, it looks like someone moved in?” I took a look at all of the boxes again and looked back at him with a smile.
“You okay with that?” he asked. He didn’t sound too concerned. He just sounded tired. “Will you be singing again sometime soon? I miss your voice.”
“I am going to say yes and tell the rest of my doubts to go to hell,” I replied with a smile. “It was nice to come home and find you here.”
Brennan chuckled. He turned totally over on the couch and put his hands under his cheek to look at me. I sat down on the floor right in front of him and took a lock of his hair and pushed it back. It fell right back so I did it again. And again.
He watched me as I played against the hair odds and smiled. He was happy.
“I missed you,” I whispered as I leaned in. I brushed my lips against his. He didn’t move at all. He just let me kiss his lips, his cheek, and his forehead. After a while, I just leaned my forehead on his and sighed.
“You are here,” I whispered, one small tear coming out of my eye.
“Nowhere else,” he whispered back.
THIRTY
Loves did not like to be kicked off the couch or my bed. It was actually unheard of since we were the only duo. When Brennan pulled me up on to the couch so that I could lay across his body, Loves got pissed when I kicked him in the face. He nearly growled at me when he refused to move so I could straddle Brennan. It took a lot of coaxing to get him off the couch and when he finally did get down, he just laid at our feet on the floor.
“Loves is the best dog. It makes me happy that he was here with you this whole time,” Brennan said as he started to rub my back.
“He really is the best dog,” I replied. I couldn’t move. I was glued to Brennan Curtis for always. I didn’t want to change this position forever. And ever.
“Where were you tonight?” he asked as he started to play with the end of my ponytail.
“At Kelly and Joanie’s. I bought lobster. For us. I mean I bought lobster to eat with you but I didn’t know when you’d get here. I think they were on their last leg outside of a tank,” I said.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get here yesterday. I was all set to go and then my mover flaked out so I had to hire someone else and pay out the ass for the short notice.”
“Was it very much? I can pay,” I said worriedly. This was all so bizarre. I felt like a totally different woman from when I saw him last. I was concerned that the guy that just ambushed my living space didn’t have to pay for his own moving costs. I let out a loud laugh and it startled both Brennan and Loves.
“Julia, you are not paying for one thing. I have money and I am here now. I feel absolutely complete.”
The left side of my mouth came up in a smile and he gazed at it for a long moment. I could definitely get used to this.
“Which room is mine? I was going to just start loading my stuff into the room all the way in the second back hallway but it looked like you have a project going on in there,” he asked, drawing me out of my love sick haze.
Uh... huh? Was he serious? What room? He wanted his own room? Why?
“Um... my bedroom is the second door in the first hallway. The one with the master suite bathroom?”
“Yes,” he said slowly. “But I thought we would take this whole abstinence thing to the next level, maybe live together, and date for a while before I take your virginity all over again.” He was laughing underneath me but I wasn’t. I felt depraved and sad. I didn’t know where that was coming from. It felt like he was dismissing the fact that I had waited because I wanted to be in love. He already had that. My love could be written out in the sky at no embarrassment to me and he wanted to sleep in separate beds. I felt like a child.
I got up quickly and started towards the kitchen for a drink of water. He was here. The wait was over and God, I was deflated. I was officially a fizzled out balloon.
“Julia? Julia. What’s up? Did I say something? I wasn’t trying to make fun of you being abstinent. I think it is very honorable and very unlike the Julia I knew. Shit... that came out wrong, too. See? I don’t know who you are. I just upended my whole life to be with the woman I can’t get out of my soul and I am verbally vomiting all over her,” he said as he threaded his hands through his hair.
I looked at him over the top of my water glass and thought, “Damn you can verbally vomit on any body part of me you want to.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him with a small smile. “I am just tired. Sure, you can take whatever room you want. I have questions about the life you...” I stopped when I noticed his other arm had something written on it. He had gotten another tattoo. It was inside his forearm so there was no way I could see it if he had it tucked in or under a long shirt.
I saw the letter J and my heart skipped. I walked over and grabbed his arm. My whole chest caved in when I read the words, “My Julia” in beautiful scrolled ink. He had them work lace into the edges of my name. Some letters were bleeding, some had stiches added to it, and the others were hollowed out like it wasn’t finished. I knew it was. He was describing me. How he saw me. Nonetheless, the word “my” was so strong and fierce. He would take ownership of the whole girl, bruised, bleeding, hollowed out, and sewn up to heal.
I didn’t realize I was full out crying until he reached under my arms and lifted me onto the breakfast nook.
“It’s okay, love. It’s okay. I needed to get this. I needed you so badly after you left and as I went through the divorce and selling off my share of the business to my ex, I felt so alone. This was something I did to keep my mind off of everything I lost.”
“But I am the one broken and bleeding on your arm,” I retorted trying to stop crying.
“No. I couldn’t even say your fucking name. It hurt that much. I had them portray what I felt about you. Seeing your name there, it helped me to move on, I guess. Shit, I don’t know. We were always so fucked up. Our timing. Everything. I thought that if I read your name enough, the pain of saying it wouldn’t hurt as bad.”
“Did it work?” I looked up at him.
“It didn’t work until three days ago, when I said it in this kitchen. It was a beautiful sound. Julia. My Julia,” he said with a sheepish smile.
“You left that in your letter. You ended it with ‘Your Julia’.”
I remembered that I wrote that because I knew he was the one,
but not the one I could have. I would always be his but I didn’t know if he would always be mine.
“So no more wife? No more business?” I asked, trying to seriously tamp down the tears. Moving on to the facts.
I watched the tattoo with rapt attention as he told me that Amelia got most of everything in the divorce but he didn’t care. He had started a new graphics company and was using his studio apartment as a work office.
“Can you work from here?” I asked.
He nodded. “Hopefully in a room separate from where my bed is so I can actually separate the two. Work is all I do. I met Sasha when she had me create a logo for her salon,” he laughed. “She is a trip.”
“Yeah? She is beautiful.” I couldn’t be jealous. I couldn’t be unfair.
“Yes. She is, but not as stunningly, sexy, and gorgeous as you,” he said, as he watched my eyes flick his down to his lips. He wrapped his arms around my waist more and tilted his head in to kiss my neck. He suckled and licked. He teased my earlobe the way I loved. He remembered how to hold my thighs and rub his thumbs up and down. I always went a little crazy at that small gesture.
When his lips finally found mine, I moved with force. I wrapped my arms, legs, and being all around Brennan. I pulled him closer. I needed him as close as possible. I felt his response to me as he rubbed up and down my body with his. Our tongues were so entangled I wasn’t sure how they would ever come apart.
But they did.
And our heaving bodies separated, too. It was too fast, he said with his eyes. I told him that is was okay back with mine. We smiled at our nonverbal communication and he reached out his hand to grab mine.
“Show us to our bedroom, Baby. I want to cuddle,” he said.
I stopped short of his use of the word baby, remembering the hotel hall and how he had called her baby.