by Earl Nelson
She told me she was disappointed in me, a simple firebomb would have cut off the source of pies. It would never occur to a Cambridge student to go to another baker.
Did I ever mention Mum was the bloodthirsty sort? To her war was not a game.
Arriving at home there were reporters at the gates. Since we now had guards full time at The Meadows gates they didn’t bother us. The guards were brought on because of the Roman ruins.
In the early days of the find many people had knocked at the door with explanations of why they should be allowed into the ruins to explore and of course, keep anything found.
By the time she had showered and changed clothes, she had cooled down. Most people were either hot or cold burners. She was both. She was over the hot stage. She now was planning her long term revenge plan on the pie throwers.
Dad and I were able to convince her to let it play out in the court of public opinion. She should stand above the fray. Well, that might be difficult as she had entered and ended the fray. That guy would be walking funny for a while.
Later after the newspapers took her side she agreed to let things go. Several years later I found out that she had taken action behind the scene. She bought out the baker and closed the shop down. The baker moved to American and opened a company with Mum’s backing. I forget its name, something about Smith Pies.
Chapter 26
Before Mum bought out the pie company something else happened. She had decided not to take revenge. I hadn’t. I didn’t want Mum to have to stoop to this fray. That didn’t I wouldn’t.
I recruited my friends to my plan. I had read in the Oxford paper about an event at Cambridge. It involved the bigwigs. They would be giving a public speech on the court. Since the pólice would be there and on the lookout for anyone bringing a pie I came up with another solution.
We would use the new super soaker squirt guns with dye in them. Not the wimpy food coloring but fabric dye. This would teach those Cambridge tabs.
I knew we would probably get caught and I pledged to pay all fines. I couldn’t see it being considered anything but a misdemeanor or whatever the British courts call small crime.
We showed up at the correct time and place. There were plenty of people on the small stage. We had to elbow our way to the front. At my direction, we pulled our weapons from under our coats and let fly.
I had one of those frozen moments in time as I pulled the trigger. My target made direct eye contact with me. You could tell he recognized me. His mouth opened to shout, “No,” but it was too late. I pulled the trigger and dyed the Chancellor of Oxford university a brilliant blue.
It was too late to retract my enormous error so I did the only logical thing. I turned to run. Unfortunately, some misguided Cambridge people didn’t want me to leave. I was pulled down and sat upon until the Bobbies arrived.
My partners in crime all made it safely away. At least that would save me some money. I was put in a panda car and taken to the local lockup. I was told I was to be remanded to appear before a magistrate in the morning.
They had a separate wing for youthful offenders, it seems that Cambridge students acted up as much as Oxford ones.
I had to go through the picture taking, fingerprinting routine. I suspected my mug shot would be in all the dailies. As Mr. Monroe always said,
“Any publicity is good publicity.” It would help my bad boy image that was for certain.
I was allowed a phone call. I called the Meadows and asked for Dad. Mum should only know of this after the fact. A jailbreak would be too dramatic.
Dad just laughed at me and told me to spend the night in the pokey. He would pick me up in the morning.
It must have been a party night in Cambridge as I had a lot of company. Drunk, loud, and stinky company.
Between no sleep, no clean clothes, unshaven, and bad breath I was not an impressive sight at the Magistrates' hearing.
He must have been in a hurry as he was having to go through all the students. When my crime was announced he asked if it was my first offense. When told it was my first he announced a fine of twenty pounds and hammer his gavel down.
Well worth it!
After retrieving my belongings which had been kept in a plastic bin I paid my fine and was released.
Dad was out front waiting for me. He had a camera to get some pictures for himself. Mum had decided to stay home which was probably for the best. Someone had let the press know so they were waiting on me.
Flashbulbs went off and questions were shouting. I held my head high and didn’t respond as I walked to the car. None of this hiding under my coat and running for me. I had got revenge for Mum.
When I got home Mum told me I was a silly Burke for not having a getaway plan. I told her I had no intention of getting away.
I knew it would be a minor fine and that I wanted the public to know that Cambridge wouldn’t be allowed to attack my Mum without repercussions.
Then the other shoe dropped. Mr. Hammond let me know that a Messenger was at the door asking for me. There was a letter that had to be signed for.
Wondering what this could be about I took delivery after signing and opened the official letter from Oxford University. It was a summons to appear before a University Disciplinary Committee.
I hadn’t given the school's reaction any thought, this could be bad. I suspected that they would take a dim view of my dying the Chancellor a bright blue.
Not that the color mattered, I doubt I could plead anything down because I hadn’t used puce.
The school wasn’t messing around. I had to appear the following morning. The letter had contained the rules of appearance. I was to come alone, no barristers allowed!
So dressed in a suit and tie to put my best foot forward I went to the appointed time and place. Why did that sound like execution was a possibility?
When I entered the room there were four men and one woman sitting behind a table. I had to stand in front of them. No chair was provided for me. This Committee was making a point to those who appeared before it.
First I was asked to confirm my identity. I announced myself as Sir Richard Jackson, Baron Blackhoof. name. I had to use everything I had.
It didn’t appear to cut any ice. I later learned that the student before me was heir to a Dukedom. They had no truck with the privilege of Nobles. We had no privileges with them at all.
Once they confirmed I was the person they were looking for they asked me if I had sprayed the Chancellor of Oxford with a purple dye.
There was no point in trying to evade the fact, there were too many witnesses and I was still proud of what I had done.
Upon further questioning I let it be known that the Chancellor was not my target. It was an unfortunate event that I squirted him before I recognized him. I had intended to color the Cambridge officials for not cracking down on the pie throwers.
This public service I was trying to provide didn’t seem to impress them at all.
They openly discussed my good points. A hero who had just been rewarded by the Queen, a fine student, and a strong financial supporter of the school.
As such they would show me leniency.
I heaved a sigh of relief, another twenty pound fine coming my way. That didn’t last long as I learned that I was only being sent down for the rest of the school year.
Oops! That seemed over the top. I asked if there was any way to appeal this sentence. The head of the Committee told me there was. I was to given written an argument to the Chancellor as to why my punishment was too severe.
He looked to his right as he said this. This was when I realized there was a spectator over to the side. From his blue enhanced glare, I realized that I would be wasting my time to appeal. The Chancellor did not look happy.
I thought briefly about appealing to the Crown but realized that would be a chump move. I did the crime, now I had to do the time.
I drove slowly home as I tried to think of ways to present
it to my parents as a positive. I could have driven to Skarfskerry and back without coming up with a good reason.
I bit the bullet and told them outright what had happened. They didn’t react poorly at all. I thought I would have a peal rung over me, instead, it was well you deserve it, what are you going to do with your time?
That was a good question, what was I going to do with my time. I know that treating it as a vacation wasn’t acceptable.
“I have to give it some thought. My business trip starts next week. I would like to spend some time with Nina. Beyond that, I have to think about it.”
“Rick this is not a big deal. This is the first trouble that you have gotten yourself into. At the same time, you do have a public image to maintain. You need to be seen spending your time productively. You don’t want to be seen as an idler.”
Now that I had never have been nor will I be.
“I hear you, I will try to find some good works to do. Maybe I could feed some puppies for Mary.”
“She is Lady Mary now, Forget that at your peril.”
I could hear my little sister now. I bet her friend and enemy Patty was gnashing her teeth. Maybe I didn’t want to get involved with any of that.
“I have had second thoughts about feeding puppies, maybe I could do a telethon or something.”
“Whatever, you need to counterbalance this with something positive.”
And so ended the great pie war. Nobody wanted to have to face the music for extending it.
Chapter 27
The tabloids had a field day over me be expelled for the rest of the school year. Good boy gone bad was the theme. Then some led with, “Bad boy lives up to expectations.”
My fan clubs sent letters by the ten of thousands. I didn’t even try to read them. A team at the office sampled them and found that I still had my base support.
A few even sent pictures where they had dyed their faces blue. I hope it was food coloring. I had been told the Chancellor wouldn’t be making any public appearances for over a month.
I felt a little bad about the whole deal. He didn’t deserve being dyed a bright blue. It would be okay if he was a fan of Everton F.C.
I felt even worse about not hitting the Cambridge Chancellor, now he deserved being dyed blue, he hadn’t reined in his pie-throwing thugs.
I had been told that I should show remorse for my actions. The only remorse I felt was in hitting the wrong guy.
I had an appointment at the aircraft leasing firm. They had my jet configured for my business trip. I needed to do a walkthrough and give an okay on the final design.
I checked in at their front desk. The receptionist gave a little squeak when I announced myself. This could have nothing to do with my picture on the front page of the tabloid she was reading.
At least the Managing Director didn’t have one in his office. I wouldn’t have made a bet on the contents of his private loo.
We walked out to the airfield to the plane while he extolled the virtues of what I was about to see.
The first thing that jumped out was the fact that my plane was painted in British Racing Green with black trim and my coat of arms on the tail above the tail number.
It looked sharp.
“I thought you were going to lease this out to other people when I’m not using it.”
“We figured it would take a while for this idea to catch on, and the paint job wasn’t that much in the whole scheme of things. Besides, we think you are going to love it so much that you will want it reserved for your exclusive use.”
“I would like to tour it by myself to form an opinión.”
“No problem, Sir Richard, let me know if you have any questions.”
At the top of the jet stairs, I looked into the first compartment. In the front of the cabin were two aisles across loos. They appeared to be larger than those found on normal commercial aircraft. I liked that as I had a hard time using those as to my size.
I took the opportunity to look at the flight deck. It was different from those I had seen previously. It was an extended versión with curtained bunk beds on one side and a crew lounge on the other.
I inquired as to why and was told on extended trips such as the Pacific there would be two flight crews in rotation. This was a safety measure that commercial airlines felt like they couldn’t afford.
That made sense to me and I certainly could afford it.
Back to the main cabin, there were eight rows of first-class seats, four across so I could have up to twenty-four people accompany the trip. The seats were my colors, the adopted British racing green with thin black trim. It was well done. Another feature was my coat of arms worked into the fabric. It was in a slightly darker green, almost black and small but it was there.
The last row had a wide space behind it so that a jog to the right could be accommodated. On the right side of the cabin was a hallway running the rest of the length of the cabin.
On the left side of the wide space was a small service kitchen for a stewardess to serve the main cabin. Nosing in the kitchen I found real china and glassware.
Again my colors and coat of arms were used in the china pattern. I could see that we had to have some giveaways or people would pinch the plates.
The silverware was real, real silver that is. The design on the handle was once again my coat of arms.
I could sense a pattern here and also a grandmother and Queen Mum at work. They were the only two I knew that would go over the top like this. Not that I minded, it was really neat.
There were doors, all open along the hallway. The first door directly after the main cabin was a conference room the could seat ten people comfortably. It even had a TV at one end and whiteboards along the far Wall. There weren’t any windows. Once again the racing green and coat of arms motif was worked in very discreetly.
The next room was an office support room with a telex, radio, a copy machine, and an open cabinet with office supplies. They had even stocked my favorite yellow legal pads for note-taking. This room was bland in comparison to the others.
It also had a small service área for coffee, tea, and snacks. I liked the way they thought, never far from food, my type of airplane!
After that, there was an office set up for me. It had bookshelves lined with the books and class notes from the classes that I should have been taking this Michaelmas, my next term.
Oh well, I could get a jump on next year.
Next was a small private sitting room for my use. It had a sofá, a coffee table, and a lounger. There was even a lamp on an end table for reading. It looked very cozy. It would be easy to while away the hours of a long flight. The design motif continued.
There was no doubt as to whom this airplane belonged to. I also made up my mind on the spot to purchase the aircraft. It was mine!
Then there the bedroom. It was full size. The bed was a Queen size. These along with King size were now all the rage. I had visions of a club I had heard of but knew that Nina would never for it. I don’t even have to describe the bedcovers and their design.
The last room on the plane was the bathroom. It had a full-size walk-in shower. I had been told that a bathtub would be problematic if the aircraft had to maneuver quickly it could be disastrous.
After my walk through I returned to the office and told them the Managing Director I approved. I also told him I would like to immediately reserve the aircraft for my personal use and that I would like a purchase price worked up.
You could see him swell with pride at their work.
“Thank you, I will get on it at once. You do know that other people have learned of your compartment idea and have commissioned us to build them.”
Yeah, I thought, after you called them and told them of the possibilities. Since I hadn’t entered this with the idea of making money I let it go.
“Glad to hear it, I hope you remember when it is time for maintenance and upkeep on the interior and give me some priority.
”
“If you would allow us permission to give tours we would give you two years free upkeep.”
“That sounds good, have your people draw up an agreement for my people to review.”
This was a long way from Ohio.
I was staying overnight in London so returned to my hotel suite. I immediately called Grand Mum and told her someone had pinched china and silver from my aircraft.
From her reaction, I had found one of the guilty parties. I couldn’t keep it up, at least not with my grand Mum, now if it had been Mum or Mary.
She admitted that she and the Queen Mary had learned of my project and approached the Company. I realized that there was no way that the Company would refuse the Queen Mum.
I also found out that Grand Mum had paid for all the upgrades. I thanked her for the effort and asked her to relay my thanks to Queen Mary. They had done a wonderful job.
After that, I called Nina and told her about my new flying setup. As I suspected she was intrigued by the mile high club but wasn’t about to join it anytime soon.
We chatted for a while about her school days and modeling work. She told me that being a Queen Bee in the school social scene was becoming boring. When she was on the outside looking in, it looked like the place to be.
Now she was on the inside it felt like too many demands were being made to make it worthwhile. The scheming the girls would go through to become models was incredible.
I did like the story she told me about the girl who was an inch too short to be considered for model work hanging with weights on her legs.
Poor girl. Why didn’t someone tell her that Mary’s fashion line had all age groups so that she could pose as being younger, and of course shorter?
Chapter 28
Nina asked me what clothes I was taking on my trip. That was when I realized that I had made no allowances for clothing. Not even a closet!
After hanging up with Nina I called the Managing Director of the conversión company and confused my oversight. He started laughing at me. Your grandmum wins the bet.