by Neile Parisi
I knew this would be a wonderful union, and we would be together for all eternity. It started out so perfectly. We had grown together and helped each other. Nothing could tear us apart, I thought.
I could see our unborn children in his eyes. He worked so hard as I attended law school and was so supportive when I decided I wanted to teach instead. A career in law was so all-encompassing, and there would have been no time for family. I hadn’t learned to protect my calendar, and had already made myself readily available to my clients, letting my family come second. The grind of the corporate world didn’t satisfy me as I had hoped it would. I needed more, so I explored another career. I decided to teach. Though the pay was so much less, the rewards were so much greater. At least that was my belief at the time.
Philip loved me. I knew it, and he knew it. He only wanted me to be happy. He never stopped applauding as he rose to his feet, watching me leap across the stage to receive my diploma. I had never felt more touched by his love than I did on that Saturday morning.
We had two wonderful sons who brought us such joy, and our marriage was strong. After all, Philip had been through some of the same things I had. I thought I could count on him, and that he would support me until the end.
Philip was an engineer, and worked with the phone company. He actually adored his job, and sometimes I called him a workaholic. Before I secured my teaching degree, he had been the one who was often late, calling to tell me he had to work overtime on a project. Now, the roles were reversed: I was often late. The fact that Philip was such a good cook fit into the time slot nicely. He would start dinner, and got to spend time with our boys. They bonded quite successfully. In fact, it was an easy transition for them to spend their lives with their father.
CHAPTER 4
Teaching Eighth-Grade Science
TEACHING EIGHTH-GRADE SCIENCE was a joy. I was happiest when I was sharing my ideas with so many eager minds on a daily basis. Astronomy was my favorite unit to teach. Our annual field trip to the mountains to watch the stars, the phases of the moon, and possibly the alignment of the planets was well attended. Most students arrived early, with their permission slips properly signed in one hand and snacks in the other. Parents graciously chauffeured my students to and from the mountain location, despite the fact that the show began at 10:00 PM on a Friday night.
How blessed I was to teach these precious children, and to be in their presence. They had great faith in me, and believed that I had all the answers to the myriad questions they posed. This particular night was going to be exceptional, as we were expecting a special guest. The local planetarium had agreed to loan three of their high-powered telescopes, along with their top astronomer, for the evening. I was honored that he would actually be attending and answer all of my students’ questions. While we waited for the conditions to be right and the equipment to be set up, the parents who had volunteered to chaperone were handing out steaming cups of hot chocolate and cider donuts. Some students said they came just for the treats.
What could have been better than this for any eighth grader—a Friday night under a crowded sky with friends and treats, and with me, magical, mystical Mrs. Murray, as my students had nicknamed me because of the experiments I performed in class?
Everyone was participating except Daniel Ray. This was the first time I noticed how sad he really was. He cracked jokes, hung out with the less admirable students, and was usually behind in his studies. It was as if he wanted to constantly be in trouble. He had come tonight without snacks, friends, or desire to learn. I guess it was a good excuse to get away from his homelife. He would do anything to be away from that environment.
“Hey, guys.” He plopped down beside a couple of classmates. “This is so lame. What crap. You don’t really expect to see anything in the sky, do you? It’s a scam, just bull crap. I came for the food and to get out of the house.”
“Why do you have to disrupt everything, Daniel?” one of them said. “Why can’t you just enjoy it? You’re such an ass. Why don’t you just listen? Maybe you could actually learn something.”
“Maybe I don’t want to learn this crap. How is it going to help me, anyway?”
The astronomers had the three telescopes set up for viewing the heavens, and the students lined up, anxious to see the night sky. I was thrilled that these men had come on a Friday night to share their knowledge, equipment, and ideas with my students.
One student yelled, “I think I see Pluto!” The kids laughed as the astronomer explained that what he was viewing was a star. He continued to explain that the planets were stars, and that they had been researching what they thought was a new planet, as yet unnamed.
Everyone was eager except Daniel Ray. He meandered through the group, looking for his next victims to disturb. He had potential. He was so smart and promising. I knew I just had to convince him of it. I kept trying to engage him in activities that would help with his self-esteem and teach him that he was valuable. If I could only get him to abide by class rules, he could experience success. I just knew that I would reach him someday. He vied for my attention, but with a class of thirty-six students, he really didn’t get that much. That was why I had designated him my class aide before and after school, and my timer in science class. I hoped that taking responsibility would heal him.
CHAPTER 5
A Typical Week
A TYPICAL WEEK OF TEACHING found me in my classroom every day at 6:30 A.M., preparing my experiments and readying my materials. Daniel Ray had asked if I needed help preparing, and I gratefully accepted his offer. This was my chance to guide him, assist him in building self-confidence. He was usually in trouble in his other classes; maybe this new job of teacher’s assistant could change him. Keeping my fingers crossed, I proposed a schedule for him to work before school, after school, and during his free period. His parents agreed. Daniel’s favorite task was to clean, label, and organize the test tubes neatly in their racks. His work was accurate, complete, and timely. As I said, he was bright and capable. I made sure he caught the last bus at 4:30, so he would be home in time for dinner with his family.
My day usually ended around 6:00 P.M., on a good day. Some days extended even later. I wanted my students to love coming to class. I was so proud of the fact that we usually won first or second place in the regional science fair, and the competition was always tough.
Philip was very supportive in the beginning, agreeing that dinner at 6:45 was acceptable; but after repeated late dinner entrances, he had demanded a change, and he was right. I tried to be home at 6:00. I really tried, and was successful for a while, but it was too easy to fall back into the old pattern. I just had to make a greater effort. I decided to go to school even earlier, knowing that it would put further strain on our relationship.
Philip sat me down and discussed this again. I was shirking my responsibilities as a mom and wife, he said. I needed to be more committed to my family than I was to my job. Of course, he was right, but how could I balance both? I certainly wanted my sons and husband to feel loved and important, but I also wanted my students to feel that same love. My boys had a wonderful father to fill in for me. Some of my students lived with a grandparent or aunt or uncle, and never knew the love of a dedicated parent. How could I fill everyone’s expectations?
It’s no wonder schoolteachers were required to be single in the old days; it was just too much of a commitment. I had an aunt who kept her marriage a secret for years so she wouldn’t lose her teaching job. Imagine having to keep that a secret. What a lawsuit that would be today.
How could I have ignored Philip and the boys, been so unaware that we were drifting apart and that I was losing them all? I was so addicted to my work. It overtook my life.
CHAPTER 6
Experiment Lab
I LOVED EXPERIMENT FRIDAYS. These were the days when I had experiment stations set up all around the classroom, usually about eight of them. It took hours to prepare, but it was so worth it to see the smiling faces of my students as they
understood a theory after completing a physics workshop. I could see actual light bulbs illuminate their eyes as they actively participated in each experiment.
The students were organized into teams of six, and a spokesperson was designated to announce their findings at the completion of the labs. Each week, there was a new spokesperson. They would rotate around the room through the various stations performing the experiments, collecting data, revising their results, and submitting their findings. Each experiment brought them joy and amazement. That was how I had planned it. I wanted them to experience the joy I had for science. I wanted them to know that they could consider this subject with the knowledge that science can be fun and calming, yet exciting. I hoped that someone in the class would one day want to pursue a career in science and follow in my footsteps. The students were in awe of the results of their labor.
Everyone loved Experiment Fridays. Each student knew it was a time to support one another and share the joy of science. Everyone enjoyed this except Daniel Ray. He was the one who helped me set up the experiment tables early in the morning as my teacher’s aide. He worked beside me to ensure that everything was perfectly correct; but on the day of the experiments, he was a tortured soul, begging for attention and wreaking havoc on everyone.
One such incident happened during a physics lab. The students were measuring the velocity of a cart filled with marbles as it raced down a course. Daniel was not very popular, and students didn’t like him to be in their groups because his participation consisted mainly of fooling around. And so it was on that day.
“Hey, Mrs. Murray, Daniel is throwing marbles around the room. We are trying to measure the speed, and he keeps taking the marbles out of the carts. He’s destroying our results! Couldn’t you put him on someone else’s team?”
“Let me talk to him. Daniel, what’s wrong? You spent hours helping set up these experiments so it would all be perfect. Now you are sabotaging your team results. Why?”
“I don’t give a crap about these experiments or about school. And I don’t give a crap about you. And you don’t care about me or what I do, so stop acting like you do. Nobody cares, nobody knows, nobody understands!” he yelled and ran out of the classroom. That was the beginning of his change—or had I not noticed the signs all along? He really didn’t care, and he was going to make it miserable for everyone else. I turned to the class and announced to his lab partners, “Well, I guess you have one less teammate, so just carry on with your results.”
CHAPTER 7
The Principal
MR. ANDERSON, THE PRINCIPAL, had an interesting effect on a person. If he liked you, you could do nothing wrong. He would praise you, show you off to others, promote you, reward you, and help you. But if he didn’t like you, you would be ignored, punished, criticized, and removed swiftly from his presence and the school. I remember the day one of the other science teachers received a letter saying she would be transferred the following week to another school.
There had been no explanation. When she questioned it, she was told she was needed elsewhere. How could this happen? She had been at that school for nearly twelve years. She was set in her lessons and comfortable in her teaching. She had planned to finish her career there, and now she was being transferred not only to another school, but also to another grade level and subject. She was a seventh-grade science teacher. Now she would be a fifth-grade multi-subject teacher. What a travesty. She was a meek soul, and didn’t resist. She just quietly packed her room and left. I was so sad to see her go.
CHAPTER 8
Daniel Ray
DANIEL RAY CAME FROM A BROKEN FAMILY. This may sound trite, but the truth is, I don’t know how he even lasted to fourteen years old. He knew three fathers, and currently an “uncle” lived with them, his mom’s latest beau. He had been in and out of juvenile court many times for shoplifting, possession, and neighborhood disturbances. His mom set a poor example for his brothers and sisters, and she found little time to encourage, help, or even love them. So Daniel found his own way to accrue attention, especially at school. He hung around with all the known troublemakers, defining his character by his crowd.
It came as no surprise when he was accused of stealing and cheating at school. He swore that he was innocent, and I was the only one who actually believed him. A suspension was ordered, and Daniel Ray became a distant memory at school. His crowd didn’t care enough to talk to him, see him, or help him. His mom was aggravated that her son was at home, cramping her style. She screamed daily, “I can’t wait for you to graduate and get out of the house.” He admitted that he had once pondered suicide, but didn’t have the nerve.
I felt such sadness for him, and in an effort to help him, I designated him captain of his science team. He himself hadn’t even attempted to begin his science fair project, but he had tried to encourage his teammates, showing sincere interest in their projects. With little or no help at home, it was hopeless for Daniel to even consider a project. He had to spend his time feeding and taking care of his younger siblings. He was also the timer for his team. During the presentations, however, he was so distracting and noisy, it was as if he was begging to be thrown out of class.
“I’m not doing this stupid project.”
“But you’ll fail science class if you don’t hand in anything.”
“I don’t give a damn. Who cares about science, anyway? You guys are wasting your time. I’d rather go out and get drunk.” With that, Daniel grabbed a science fair board belonging to one of his teammates, ripped off some of the data, and threw it on the ground. A fight ensued, and punches were flying. I jumped in to try to break it up, and called the school guard to remove Daniel from the room.
I don’t know what came over him. The guard had a difficult time escorting him out of the classroom. Later, I heard that he was uncontrollable all the way to the principal’s office.
CHAPTER 9
The Fateful Day
THE NEXT DAY, FRIDAY, WAS A SNOW DAY—a welcome relief from the stress of preparing for the science fair, even though we would miss valuable time we could have had. On Monday, Daniel Ray was missing from class, but I thought I had seen him earlier in the day.
“All right, class, let’s settle down and continue with the science fair presentations. I need a volunteer to be the timer. Okay, Tom, you can take over, thanks. Now, please try to stay within the five-minute time period. Steve, you’re next: ‘How the Salinity of the Salt Lake Affects the Brine Shrimp.’”
“Excuse me, Mrs. Murray,” said Joann as she came in. Joann was a teacher’s aide, and frequently helped out with classes. Her son was a member of the class. “Mr. Anderson wants to see you in his office.”
“Now?” I asked. “We are in the middle of presentations, and the fair is in two weeks.”
“He says it’s important. I’ll continue with your class.”
“Thank you, Joann.”
As I walked into Mr. Anderson’s office, I felt a strange feeling of doom. I didn’t know where this was coming from, but the feeling escalated to despair as I looked around the room and saw Daniel Ray, his mother, and his mother’s boyfriend. Was I there as one of the people who would testify that he wasn’t so bad, and that he shouldn’t be suspended for fighting?
But that wasn’t it at all. It was accusations against me. What was happening? What were they saying? Where was my union representative? My head was spinning, and it was all a blur. “I know who you are and how you treat your students. You flip out, holler at them, and touch them. You are a liar, and if I had my way, you would never be in a classroom again. My son has witnesses. Nobody hits my son, not even me!” (This was interesting, because a teacher had seen her slapping him during pick up time in front of the school after he got into trouble in another teacher’s classroom.) She furthered her tirade by saying that she didn’t know what my problem was, but I shouldn’t be in a school. “You should be scared, ’cause I’ll get you out of here. I’ll have your job. You’re going to get fired, and you deserve it, yo
u child abuser.”
Daniel chimed in, “Yeah, you’re going to get fired. We’re gonna sue you!”
What were they talking about?
There I sat, alone, no one at my side, no union rep, no fellow teachers, no Philip to support me—only the principal. Daniel Ray, his mom, and her new beau were all screaming at me. I should have walked out and demanded the presence of my union rep, but I was so overwhelmed by disbelief. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even talk. I was in shock.
Finally, Mr. Anderson said, “Mrs. Murray, you are on paid suspension until further notice.”
“What?” I said. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m sorry, we have to conduct an investigation because of the serious nature of the accusation.”
“What accusation? What am I being accused of?” If they had mentioned it, I certainly hadn’t heard it with the loud din running through my head.
“Daniel said you punched him.”
“What are you talking about? I didn’t punch him. Daniel, tell them this is a mistake. Please tell them this didn’t happen.”
“You’re getting fired,” he yelled and pointed at me. It seemed like this was the first time his mother had ever agreed with him, and he loved the idea. He chanted over and over, “You’re gonna lose your job, ha ha, ha ha.” It sounded demonic, as if he were possessed and couldn’t control his speech or thoughts. He smiled and threw his head back as he continued to threaten me.
I felt helpless and crushed. I returned to my classroom, stunned by these words: You are on administrative leave until further notice. You are not allowed in the school until the investigation is over. The bell was pealing as I entered the classroom, ending the day and the week for me…and who knew what else it was ending.