by Lisa Moore
Very sincerely yours,
Charles Adammo
I read the letter through several times, each time I have more questions. One thing I agree on is that Lily will not react well to the news of Charles’ passing. For as much as Lily has spent her life exploring the concepts of the fantastical, I know she is having a hard time accepting the power of the Evening Star without a scientific explanation for it. By the time we leave New Zealand her entire world order will be changed.
Contemplating Lily’s reaction makes me remember the package, the gift from Charles and Lilly. I pick up the velvet pouch and untie the string. I pour the contents onto my palm. It is as I had thought. Two rings tumble out onto my hand. They, like the Evening Star, are beautiful in their simplicity. One for me, a braided band of platinum, and for Lily, I realize that the one ring is actually two. There is a matching platinum braided band whose ends do not meet. At the ends are two flowers with small rubies as the bud at the ends. The space left in the band allows for the second ring to lock together with the first. The second ring also has the same braided band, the braids end by wrapping around a magnificent diamond. The effect is as if the diamond is a flower in bloom, the braided platinum its vine and platinum leaves surround and set the diamond in place. Together the two pieces interlock to form one ring, though I imagine they can be worn separately.
I turn the rings in my fingers marveling at their beauty and craftsmanship. They are perfect, something I myself would have picked out for us. It is an extraordinary gift and I am astounded at Charles’ generosity. I am also quite taken aback as to his insight into my feelings for Lily. How is it he should know I would desire rings for Lily and I, when I myself had not discerned my intentions until the early morning hours on Monday, after Charles had already passed on?
Thinking of Charles, his wife Lilly, the Evening Star, Lily and I, and how we have all become intertwined is bewildering. I know that I would have liked to have met his Lilly when she was alive, and despite only having had a brief time shared with Charles, I feel his absence as a significant loss. I would have enjoyed the opportunity to spend more time with him, there are so many questions, so many things I would have liked to discuss with him. I guess I should consider myself fortunate to have had the chance to meet him at all.
“Well Charles and Lilly if you are listening, thank you for your most generous gift, and for the pleasure of being connected to you even briefly. You are right Charles, I have a lot of questions, but I shall do as you said and look to the Evening Star and my own heart to guide me in my quest to find the answers I seek.” As I spoke those words I had hoped to feel or see something, a rush of air, a light flicker, something to give me a sense that Charles and Lilly were still connected to me, but there was nothing.
I decided to wait until we returned from New Zealand to tell Lily about Charles, though I will pack his letter and the rings in my carry on, just in case my plans change. After all if Lily accepts me for what I am, perhaps a Christmas engagement would be in order. I am filled with questions and uncertainty. I decide to go for an afternoon trip into the Adirondacks. I will go out to the cave where Lily and I hiked, that area is ripe with prey and I always feel better equipped to handle my problems after a long run and hunt.
Chapter 27
Our Connection Grows Stronger
It is presumptuous of me to think that Lily will not sense something. I have not been able to stop thinking about the letter, the rings, or the fact that in a way I envy Charles. If what he believed is true, and I hope it is, then he has been reunited with his beloved, together in the after life for eternity. If not, I imagine he died happy with just the thought of returning to his Lilly. I don’t have the luxury of ignorance. I know one thing, even if Lily accepts me, and I want that with all of my being, I will still one day suffer the pain of losing her. Charles was wrong; our souls can’t possibly be tied for eternity. Of course, I am sure he thought that I was human, but Lily is a mortal human and some day she will be taken from me by death. I can try and protect her from harm but humans are fragile in both body and mind. She will eventually die. I, on the other hand, will not.
I have the potential to exist indefinitely. If I can’t die then our souls cannot meet in the after life. I would be willing to suffer an eternity, with the pain of her loss, if it means I can have Lily even for just her lifetime. To love and to be loved, as I am, it is more than I dared dream possible. Never in the last century, not even as a human, have I ever truly felt that I would someday find love. I have never actively sought it out and yet feel as if somehow, call it fate, luck or an act of my strange biology, Lily and I have found each other. I sense that we belong together and I will do everything in my power to see that we are together for as long as she will have me.
Even a run in the deep woods couldn’t stop the torrent of thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind. Charles is dead. I love Lily, and want to spend the rest of her life together. In just one weeks time I will be back in New Zealand confronting the demons of my past and I will tell Lily the truth. As I realized that my cluttered mind would not be easily soothed, I returned to my farm to feed on some of the blood from my Cortland run. After feeding and getting showered I decided to go out into the barn to meditate. I need to quiet my mind before I meet with Lily tonight. I lie in a pile of hay and slowly inhale the scents around me. I conjure images in my mind of time spent sitting atop a hay pile with Genevieve, I can almost smell the fresh baked cookies she would have waiting for me.
Genevieve was an amazing mother. She loved me completely and was always there to help me seek the answers to what ever problem, my adolescent self, had at the time. Even after milk and cookies seemed too juvenile for the grown man I had become, Genevieve would come and sit with me in the barn and talk. She was easy to talk to. Rarely judgmental, with an exceptional knack for listening, Genevieve was the perfect sounding board for me to bounce my ideas off of. She had a way of answering my questions with ones of her own. Helping me find the answers I needed with out really providing them herself. She taught me the tools I needed to be an independent thinker able to eventually solve my own problems.
I miss Genevieve, she died too young, but in a way I am glad she was not alive after I transitioned. I fear what might have happened if I were with her that day instead of my horse. I quickly shake the horrid thought from my already crowded mind. After a time, the magic of the barn works to sooth me. While my mind is no longer frenetically cycling through the problems I face, I slowly bring order and calm to my thoughts.
It’s just after 6:00pm as I make my way over to Lily’s. I have picked up some Italian food from Two Brothers Italian Eatery on Center Street near Lily’s house. I let myself in and greet Pumpkin who gives me a cursory lick on my hand as she waits for me to feed her. She is sniffing the air, undoubtedly smelling the Italian food in the bag. I reach into the bag and take out the small carton on top. It contains one meatball that I cut up and mix with Pumpkins dry food.
I have grown fond of Pumpkin, and like Lily, one way to make her happy is with food. I set the bowl down for the dog and she greedily eats and licks the bowl clean. After a quick pit stop in the back yard, Pumpkin comes back inside, nuzzles my hand appreciatively and curls back up on her bed for a nap. At five past seven Lily walks in looking bleary eyed but happy to see me.
“Hi.” I say as we embrace. I love to hold her in my arms, her head pressed against my chest. Her warmth and the way she smells are like nourishment for my soul. Standing together like this feels wonderful. “Hi” she answers back. As she looks up at me I notice a red line running across the right side of Lily’s forehead. “Did you scratch yourself on something?” I ask as I gently brush the hair back from Lily’s face. Lily just laughed, a tired giggle, and said “This is not a scratch, but a crease mark. I fell asleep at my desk grading the last of the essays. Good thing students don’t get back the tests, that last one had a little drool on it. After a
ll of those papers, over six hundred pages of myths, monsters and mysteries, my eyes just wouldn’t stay open anymore. At around 4:00pm I fell asleep at my desk. I was out for about 45 minutes. Now I have always been a big fan of napping, I usually feel rejuvenated after a nap. But this one was weird. I had the most vivid and peculiar dreams, which is strange since I was not out that long and I rarely dream during a nap. It wasn’t a continuous dream either; it was more like short video clips of weirdness.”
“Do you want to tell me about them?” I ask. “Only if you promise not to laugh or read into them, some of what I remember is really crazy. I preface this with a reminder that I had spent the previous six hours straight, reading about an array of fantastical stories. That said, I remember one had something to do with ghosts. There were hundreds of vaporous apparitions gliding through space. It was almost as if they existed in a parallel universe to ours. Like all those who have died were meeting up with long lost loved ones. It gave me a distinct feeling like being in a bus terminal or airport. There were streams of people coming and going, connecting to and letting go of friends or loved ones. I saw my father, he was alone in a corner, waiting, he smiled at me and then was gone in a wisp of smoke. I thought I saw Charles and a woman smile at me before they turned to vapor and were replaced by my old dog from when I was a child, a Shepherd named April. We only had her for 3 years. She was hit by a car a few months before my father died. Her smoky form dissolved as she ran in the direction my father’s apparition
had gone. I remember something that I think was about New Zealand, it seemed very Hobbit like, and then there was one of you.”
“Of me, were you fantasizing about me?” I asked teasingly. Lily laughed another tired giggle and said “You were very young, but the eyes and hair made me think it was you immediately. Remember the story you told me in the barn, of how you and your mother would sit in the hay with cookies solving your problems? Well it was like that at first, the woman sitting with you resembled your description of your mother, but then she became me. You, as an adult, walked into the barn and it seemed like the child was ours. We seemed really happy. Then it got a little strange because when you smiled at me you had fangs, and the baby had fangs, and the cookies were actually a basket of new born kittens and the baby picked one up, and that’s when I woke up. It was pretty bizarre. After that, I finished the last paper and put the grades in my computer and here I am. Hey you ok? I told you not to read anything into my weird “napmare”. Lots of weird papers, not enough to eat, my own random subconscious thoughts all mingled together. It happens sometimes when you sleep with a lot on your mind, thoughts play out in your dreams, not in any normal way. Everything gets jumbled, real with imaginary. That’s never happened to you?”
“It’s happened to me I guess. It’s just that I do not recall most of my dreams, and if I do, never as vividly as you seem to. I find dreams incredibly interesting, but as you say they tend to be a jumble of things in your life, mixed with your subconscious, not something I spend too much time analyzing.” Again, I find myself circumventing the truth. I have never thought of myself with a child. Not as a human and definitely not as a vampire. I have run tests in my lab and every female egg that has been placed with vampire sperm, specifically mine, has been devoured by the sperm, not fertilized. The two are incompatible. I guess those factors, plus the fact that Lily never once mentioned children, made me think she felt as I did, that we would have a life together, just the two of us. It seems at least subconsciously she sees herself as a mother. And as I thought it, I felt it. I felt a maternal yearning in Lily.
I was analyzing. Lily’s connection to the Evening Star was growing, even if she did not yet realize it. Her “napmare” was a jumble of my thoughts too, Charles being dead, New Zealand and my demons, Lily and I being together and my telling her the truth about me. These are all thoughts and images I was having as I went out to feed and in the barn, although the part about the child was obviously not mine. The rest of her dreams however, have convinced me, that soon she will realize the truth. Once she discerns the true power of the Evening Star she will see me exactly as I am.
To Lily, I said “You look tired. I picked up some food for you from Two Brothers and I gave Pumpkin a meatball with her dry food. Why don’t you eat and we can turn in early. By the way, how did I do on the essay?” “Well, I probably graded your paper the hardest in my effort to be unbiased. I was trying not to give you an A. I was looking for some reason why your work was not worthy of it. I am happy to say I couldn’t find any. Your paper was extraordinary. I would love to discuss it with you another night, right now babe I’m almost too tired to even eat.” Almost; she quickly devoured the plate of food I placed before her.
Lily eyed the empty plate with a sheepish grin, replying “Who am I kidding, too tired to eat, especially Two Brothers, they are the best Italian take out in town.” I said in reply, “You can have the leftovers for breakfast, some good carbs for your marathon grading session.” “Tomorrow will be much easier than today. Half the answers are on Scan-tron and the short answer questions will be easy to grade. Much easier than 107, different, three page essays.” After dinner we went to bed early. Lily was asleep within minutes of her head hitting the pillow. “Sleep my sweet.” I said and I stroked her hair as she slept, her body pressed close against mine.
Chapter 28
A Meeting of the Minds
On Tuesday, I dropped Lily off at her office at 9:00am. There she toiled away the hours grading the rest of the exams, putting the grades into her computer, and submitting final semester grades to the registrar’s office. When she was through she went home and slept until Wednesday morning. She had one more test to give to her Evolution class on Wednesday. This class was much smaller, only 18 students. The test was at 2:00pm. After the exam Lily spent the afternoon and into the late hours of the evening grading those tests as well as calculating and submitting the final grades.
Wednesday evening was a repeat of Tuesday. Lily went home and straight to bed and slept till Thursday. We had decided on Tuesday morning that since Lily was going to basically be working or sleeping and did not have time for much else, we would meet Thursday around noon. Lily planned a meeting with Ginny Grimes, Bill Treetop and Andrew Johnson for 2:00 at the library, the actual library on campus, not Paul’s bar.
I spent Tuesday and Wednesday out on an extended hunt. It was rather spontaneous actually. After I dropped Lily off I realized I had nothing to do until we left for New Zealand on Saturday. With nothing to do I was concerned that I would spend too much time in thought. Too much time thinking about Charles, Victoria, my secrets, all things that if Lily felt them, could derail my plans. As a diversion I took off north to Canada. I love Canada. It is full of remote, inhospitable wilderness. In the winter the terrain is nearly impassable and temperatures can plummet. It is an unforgiving place and few people have the courage or survival skills to venture into the remote locations where I travel. In other words, it’s the perfect place for me to go to blow off some steam and let loose for a bit.
Keeping secrets had never really been hard up until now. I never cared enough to let someone know me. I never cared if I hurt someone emotionally. Now that I do care, each secret I keep, each lie I tell, causes a stabbing guilt that tears at my soul. For now I have reached the point where I can’t bear to hurt Lily, it physically pains me. Each lie meant to protect her, separately are small transgressions, but collectively they hide a profound deception. The level of which, grows worse with each day I continue to lie to my beloved.
On my little getaway, I tried several times to channel the connection of the Evening Star. To test over what distance our connection held. It was difficult at first to focus on Lily. I sat meditating in a den I had taken from a bear and her two cubs, whose pelts provided a moderate cushion upon which to sit. When I allowed myself to clear my mind of all thoughts but Lily, I found the thread, as Charles called it. And it very much was like a threa
d stretched between us. Our distance made it feel as thin as filament, fragile and barely tangible, yet it was there.
I suddenly knew that wherever on this planet Lily should go I would be able to find the thread that connected us. Seeing for the first time, the magnitude of the power of the gift we had been given was sobering. I felt fairly certain though, that being a vampire has given me an advantage in my ability to discern so quickly some of the power of the Evening Star. I knew Lily had not yet figured as much out. This soothed my mind. We would be leaving on Saturday. Only a short time now and I will be free of the lies, and ready to face what ever response Lily may have to the truth.
I made my way back to my barn in Franklin by 2:00am Thursday morning. The extended trip was rejuvenating. I felt strong and centered. I practiced clearing my mind of thoughts of Charles’ death, of Victoria and of Lily learning my truth. I had devised a plan of how and when I would tell Lily everything. Now that I had a plan, there was no more need to keep running the thoughts through my head. The only thing left to do was wait. For a vampire two days is but a blink in time.
I arrived at Lily’s house at 10 am, she was still asleep. I took care of the needs of a very irritated Pumpkin and then made my way into Lily’s bedroom. She looked angelic, sleeping so peacefully. The rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and rapid eye movement under her lids suggested she was in deep REM sleep. Dreaming of what, I could only guess at. As I sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke her hair Lily stirred. Her eyes opened and found mine and I was gifted with a radiant smile that lit up her face.
“Good morning sunshine” I said as I leaned in to kiss her, her warm sleepy breath caressing my cheek as I nuzzle the side of her neck. “Hey, good morning, what time is it?” She replied with a voice still scraggy with sleep. “It’s after 10:00am” I said. Lily responded as if a fire had been lit under the bed. Jumping up she exclaimed, “After ten? Crap! I had hoped to get up early this morning; I still have so much to do before we leave. I was hoping to run into town before our meeting with the rest of “Team New Zealand”. I have some errands to finish up.” “Relax my love we have the rest of the day today and all day tomorrow to tie up the loose ends. I am ready to go, so I can help you get ready.”