by Pepper Pace
She gently pushed his hand away and stood up.
Bill watched her cross the room. Be cautious with her, he reminded himself. She's really hurt. Somehow she had never developed the hard outer shell that most people had. He pulled out the futon until it stretched into a bed.
"What are you doing?"
"It's late." He gestured outside. "Sub-zero temperatures out there. Warm in here. And I can attest to the fact this futon is really comfortable even though I usually just sleep in the reclining chair." He scratched his head. "I won't touch you. I promise," unless you want me to, he almost added. "I'm also more than a little fucked up. Pardon my English." Which meant he probably couldn't do anything, even if he wanted to.
"I don't-"
"There are blankets and pillows in the closet." Bill kicked off his shoes and sat in the chair, pushing it back to the reclining position.
"Bill?"
He yawned. "Get comfortable. You want a change of clothes?"
"No." Reluctantly she took off her suit jacket. She got a blanket from the closet then kicked off her shoes. She cut off the light, leaving the television set on.
Bill's breathing was even and steady. He was asleep already.
She took a sip of water, feeling slightly light headed and shaky from the Vicodin. She snuggled under the comforter and fell asleep almost as quickly as Bill had.
***
The screams were piercing in the night. Bill's heart leapt into his throat. He stumbled out of the chair.
Raina was sitting up in bed clutching her face, trying to put out invisible flames. Screams like he had never heard, even in jail, filled the small room. They spilled out into the rest of the building, causing his neighbors to very vocally to let him know how displeased they were.
He climbed onto the futon, clutching Raina's shoulders. She couldn't see or hear him. Instead of trying to wake her up, Bill pulled her into his arms, murmuring reassurances and holding her tight until she stopped struggling. She continued whimpering for some time. He laid down with her in his arms, stroking her damp back, lightly kissing her brow, her eyelid, her cheek.
"It's okay," he repeated, again and again, until his heart stopped thudding. "It's okay. I'm here." He rubbed small circular patterns onto her skin, stroking her hair. A short time later she quieted, having never even awakened. Bill held her as he contemplated what she must have experienced in her life. He finally dropped off to sleep, still holding her.
Later, Raina awoke to the feel of Bill's arms around her. He was rubbing her back and arms, murmuring in his sleep. Still more asleep then awake, she shivered and Bill pulled her closer to him, showering light kisses on her face, scars and all. The draw of Vicodin and beer pulled her back towards sleep. She snuggled in his arms and drifted off again.
***
Bill opened his eyes, his face was buried in Raina's hair—her face was in the hollow of his neck and shoulder. Her leg had slid between his and her thigh was putting uncomfortable pressure against his groin. He sighed and pressed himself against her. He could feel himself thickening. He wanted to take off his pants. They were suddenly so uncomfortable. Bill fell asleep again.
Raina awoke to the feel of Bill rubbing his pelvis against her. She froze. Her leg was between his thighs and he was rubbing a very prominent hard-on against her! Bill groaned deep in his throat and murmured something unintelligible. He was asleep?
She relaxed. Maybe all guys humped things in their sleep. Raina tried to ignore it, even though half of her brain was in shock that Bill's erection was that close to her. Bill's erection....
She lifted her head to look at him and he reflexively lowered his lips to lightly kiss her brow, still asleep. His gyrating hips slowed, and then stopped. Raina was surprised when she felt disappointed. Gently she nudged him with her thigh. Nothing. She was so curious. She lowered her hand and timidly touched the outline of him through his pants.
Bill sighed in his sleep and pressed himself against Raina's hand. She felt tingling in the pit of her stomach that spread to her lower body. Gently she stroked him again, her breath coming out in short shallow spurts. She'd never been this close to a man before, never been held, never touched anyone so intimately.
Bill's hand came up to stroke her breast. He was awake. Alarmed, Raina froze. She felt like she was going to pass out, her heart was beating so hard.
He looked at her drowsily. "Do you want me to stop?"
She shook her head. "No."
Bill slipped his hand beneath her blouse and slid a finger underneath her bra, running it back and forth across her nipple. Raina gasped, feeling her body shiver. Bill removed his hand so that he could tilt her head up and kiss her lips gently. He slowly slipped his hand back into her bra, now using his thumb to lightly flick her nipple. When her breath caught and she shuddered, he gripped it lightly between finger and thumb and rolled it gently until she squirmed and moaned. Her hand came up again, boldly stroking him.
Bill's tongue slid between her lips and entered her mouth...this was french kissing, she thought. His tongue found hers and teased and stroked it until she was unaware of anything but the connection she felt with him. She felt Bill's hands gripping her rear end, pulling her pelvis against him. He slid his hands into her pants, kneading her full, rounded ass. His teeth lightly caught her lip and then the kiss became even more intense and deep.
Raina felt her body catch fire and this time it was all good.
He pulled away gently, untangling his hands from her pants.
"What's wrong?" she asked breathlessly.
He shook his head. "I don't have any condoms."
She stared at him confused, her mind still in the sensations of his hands and lips. His hands moved to her hips, where they rested comfortably. His long hair hung in his face, obscuring half of it. She couldn't stand it and reached up to brush it aside.
He watched her intently through half sleep-filled, half passion-hooded eyes. "I can make you feel good—even if we don't...you know...."
"H-how?"
“With my mouth and my tongue." She shivered thinking about how he made her feel just frenching. Jesus...having his tongue between her thighs would be more than she could bear. Bill noted the doubt on her face.
"Or...I can touch you." His fingers traced the contour of her lip. Raina inhaled a shaky breath.
"I...want to feel you...inside of me."
"Ahh!" He growled, flopping onto his back.
"What's wrong?" she asked, worry causing her brow to crinkle.
He jumped out of bed. "I'm going to the liquor store to get condoms." He pulled his shoes on and then his jacket, zipping it up.
"Bill...it's still dark out there. And it's freezing....You'd go out there for me?"
He gave her a strange look. "To be inside of you? Yeah. Definitely."
"At least put on my coat." He grabbed it on the way out, throwing it around his shoulders. "Lock the door behind me!" he called, as he slammed the door shut behind him.
Raina smiled, then laughed. She hugged herself and after locking the door she hurried to the bathroom and pulled her hair into a bun and showered. Naked, she went back to bed, shivering with a mixture of the cold and anticipation, and then pulled the covers up to her neck. Within minutes the door opened and Bill swept inside in a whirlwind of crisp air, carrying a bag.
"Hey." He pulled off the coat and hung it on the back of the reclining chair. "I brought us some snacks, just in case you're hungry."
"Oh. Are you hungry?" she asked, a bit disappointed. Her body felt tight in anticipation and it was all that she could do to wait patiently for him to resume creating that new awareness between her thighs and in her breasts, her belly, her heart.
"Very hungry," he said, eyeing her. He took off his jacket and pulled off his shirt. "I'm starving." He kicked off his shoes and unzipped his pants.
She watched him, feeling starved herself. He reached into the bag and withdrew a box of condoms. He finally pulled off his pants. Having gone commando, he stood
before the bed naked.
Wow...this is really going to happen, she thought, as she watched his already erect penis jut upward. He had a tattoo of an Aztec sun that sat above the dark brown hair of his pubes. And oh god...his abs were so cut, so perfect. Raina felt her nipples harden at the memory of his fingers on her.
She pulled back the covers.
Bill's mouth dropped open. "God, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful...." He raised his gaze from her nudity to her striking eyes. "Raina," he climbed into the bed and gathered her into his arms. "I see you. Not just what other people see. But I see me in you."
Raina swallowed, her eyes growing wet. "Thank you."
It was like a dream when Bill's body covered hers and he gently nudged her knees apart. It was like her fantasies when the tip of his sheathed cock separated the moist lips between her thighs. And then he pushed into her, past her barrier, deeper. She tensed beneath him, while he gently rocked inside of her virginal opening. Raina thought she'd died and gone to heaven when her body began to quake as passion sensitized her every nerve ending! Gasping and clutching at his arms, her legs wrapped around his body while his hips rocked and rolled over hers. And then her heart seemed to explode a mere second before her inner walls quivered and clenched him, pulling at his cock until he faltered and erupted, keening softly until his muscles were liquid.
Several hours later, after the sun had risen and Bill had fallen asleep, Raina lay wide awake, body pleasantly sore. She had moved to another realm of her life. Her heart raced in excitement as she contemplated the idea of no longer being a virgin, and the memory of the care Bill had shown in claiming what she had so willingly given him.
It had all happened so quickly. One day she crashed heads with him, the next she was in his bed and knew that she was in love. No one had ever been there for her. Now Bill seemed like he would. But...now that she knew what it felt like to soar and to love and to lean on someone, the idea of having it all snatched away scared her. It more than scared her...what was the saying? It's better to have known love than to never have loved at all. But that was a lie. If you had never known how wondrous it could be to feel the man you love moving inside your body, trying to bring you to orgasm, then how could you dare say that the loss of it would be minimized by the fact you had at least experienced it?
Raina mulled these thoughts over in her mind. There was a void inside her and the pain of it was something that she was accustomed to. It was the pain of seeing people grimace when they looked at her burned face, and the knowledge that the men that she would always be attracted to would never give her a second thought. Beautiful men like Bill. That void also contained the knowledge that Bill would move on. Men like him did...because sex wasn't love. Sex was just...fucking.
Raina lay awake envisioning countless scenarios—all ending with him outgrowing her. The majority of people moved from relationship to relationship. But...it wouldn't be like that for her. After Bill, there would be no one. Raina sat up, surprised to feel that her face was wet with tears. She had been crying. She had shed so many tears in her life that maybe she shouldn't have been surprised that she could cry and not be aware of it, but she was.
Raina slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Bill. She dressed quietly but quickly. She'd think of something to tell him later, but now she had to leave, while he was asleep, before he looked at her with those eyes, making her want to stay.
With trembling hands Raina unlocked the door and slipped out of the apartment. Thank god, Dog was no longer asleep on the floor and much of the urine odor had left with him.
When she stepped out into the cold morning, a teenager passing by stared at her with open curiosity. She suddenly remembered two things---to shield her face, and that this wasn't a very good neighborhood.
Raina wandered, searching for her car for half an hour or so before she spotted the restaurant that she and Bill had gone to the night before. Hot tears gushed from her eyes and the ache in her heart was piercing.
She sniffed back her tears. Better this pain now than the big pain later. Quickly she got into her car and tore out of there.
***
Saturday loomed empty and lonely for Raina. Every second of that day she alternated between the surety on one hand that she'd made the biggest mistake of her life, and the premonition on the other hand of certain doom as her mind ran through the countless scenarios of Bill's future transgressions. A hundred times she stepped outside to go to Bill's apartment, only to cower back to the safety of her home. He must be so mad that she had left him the way she had. He must be so hurt. Then she'd just cry. Maybe if she could call him...but of course that was not possible. She'd never gotten his phone number.
What would she say come Monday morning?
That night when she went to bed, the memory of Bill's arms made her ache. She relived every touch, every word...every kiss. When she awoke the next morning, not remembering ever drifting off to sleep, her eyes were swollen from crying.
***
Monday, Raina wanted to call in sick, but there would be a Tuesday, a Wednesday. Would he go off on her at work? Make a scene? She drove to work anxious for this part to be over and yet anxious to see him again.
Instead of going to the canteen, Raina went directly to her cubicle, remembering the way they had cracked heads. She reached into her purse for the gel pens. Tears stung her eyes as she placed them in her drawer. Stupid! She was so stupid. What would it have cost her to try? No...it was too much, too fast, too much potential for pain.
Bill would make two runs, one at noon and one at close of business. Each minute seemed an hour until his cart finally appeared down the aisle. As much as she wanted to duck her head, she couldn't. Her eyes seemed to absorb the sight of him.
And his eyes sought out hers, holding her there. A frown crossed his brow so quickly that she barely had time to register it. Then his eyes seemingly went cold and vacant. Cubicle by cubicle he approached her, passing out mail, picking up mail.
Raina stared at her computer screen when Bill finally reached her cubicle. She was afraid to meet his chilly gaze.
Please forgive me, her mind cried. She heard him put mail into her inbox, retrieve mail from her outbox, and then his cart moved on.
Raina's breath came out in spurts as her eyes watered and fat drops plopped into her lap. Not this. Even his anger was better than this; better than no words at all.
"Hi Bill." Jill's animated voice reached her as her head stayed ducked so that no one could see.
"Hi."
"Noon already? God how time flies. Give me a sec to stuff these envelopes. My goodness your forehead is black and blue from Friday."
"It's okay," he said.
Raina's face blanched. Not Jill. Please not Jill.
"Did you have a good weekend?"
Raina didn't hear a response. She figured he'd made a slight gesture because Jill chuckled.
"Oh, where are my envelopes...? Found them. Sorry about this. Just give me two seconds to stuff these."
Raina swiped at her face. She had to know what Jill was doing, what Bill's expression was like. Raina raised her head. When she did she saw a big pink envelope in her inbox. Heart thudding in her chest, she picked it up. Blank on the outside. Fingers trembling, she pulled from the envelope a card covered in lace and pastel pictures of flowers.
THINKING OF YOU
It was written in a flourish of curlicues. Inside, Bill had printed neatly:
RAINA,
I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OKAY. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK WHEN I WOKE UP AND YOU WEREN'T THERE. I KNOW WE WERE BOTH PRETTY MESSED UP THAT NIGHT (DID YOU TAKE MY VICODIN? DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN THAT SHIT, OKAY?) BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS TRUE. EVEN WHEN I SAID THAT I COULD BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, EVEN WHEN I SAID THAT I'D NEVER LET A DODGE BALL HIT YOU.
Raina sighed in relief. He didn't hate her. He gave her a card; a pink nightmare of a card, and it meant more to her than anything she'd ever received in her life! Raina swung around in her char. Bill was w
atching Jill with half bored eyes. He turned to Raina and saw her clutching the pink card to her breast. He smiled slowly.
Jill had been trying to show thigh. She looked from Bill to Raina in dawning realization. Her mouth hung open.
"I'm sorry," Raina mouthed.
"Lunch?" he mouthed back. He then pointed down. Raina nodded. Bill smiled again. He pushed the cart on to the next cubicle.
"Hey! What about these envelopes?" Jill called out desperately.
"Oh. My bad." He came back and took the envelopes out of Jill's hand without even looking at her. He then turned and whistled his way down the aisle happily.