by Angela Blake
He shouldn’t still be able to do that.
Michael tried to get her to talk about it for months, but she refused. Yet, Jack, who was the reason she was in this mess to begin with could make her spill her deepest worries with one look.
He didn’t deserve to know her like that anymore.
Jack dragged in a harsh breath. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that, Cara. I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
“So, you thought of yourself,” Cara responded monotonously, tearing her gaze away from him. She counted backwards from ten to calm her frayed nerves. “Then why did you make me feel like the bad guy for getting upset about it?”
Jack raked his hands through his hair. “I lashed out, okay? I made a mistake, Cara. Haven’t you ever made a mistake before?”
“I’ve made plenty of mistakes, Jack, but no matter what I’ve done in my life, and I’ve done plenty, at least I can say that I didn’t kick a person when they were down.”
Jack swallowed audibly. “You know what it was like for me, Cara. What I was going through.”
Tears sprung forth in her eyes. “I know, and believe me I did my best to be there for you, to absorb your anger, and your sadness, but in the state you were in…”
Cara shook her head at the memory. At the point in time, Jack was a shell of the man he used to be. Often, she would catch glimpses of the man she fell in love with, remnants hidden inside little pockets of time, but it never lasted long.
Jack took her hands in his, and looked deep into her eyes. “I can’t make up for what I did, Cara. I know that, but I’ve spent the past few months realizing what I want out of life, and my life doesn’t make sense without you in it. I can’t live without you.”
“Yes, you can. You can, and you did, and you’ll do it again. I know that you love me, I know that you loved me for a very long time, but if there’s one thing I know for a fact is that you are an expert at self-destructing, then rebuilding yourself and erasing any fragment of the person you were with.”
“I’m not the same person anymore, Cara. I’m different.”
“And you thought you could just walk back into my life like you hadn’t almost destroyed it, and I would let you? I believed once before, blindly, but this time, it’ll take more than just actions.”
“No, I didn’t think it would be that simple, but I’m here, aren’t I?”
Tears spilled over her eyelashes, and Jack used the pad of his thumb to wipe them away. The look on his face let her know that he truly was apologetic, and he was sincere, but she just couldn’t go down that path with him again.
They had already tried once, and when they set fire to their memory, the flames nearly consumed her. She had to fight tooth and nail to claw her way out of there, and when she remerged, scarred, but still alive, she promised herself that she would become better, stronger.
And she would never let anybody have that kind of control over her again.
“It’s not enough. Before I used to think that it was, and I know that. I settled for that, but I want more now. I deserve more, and it took me a very long time to accept that it was okay to want that. You claim you never deserved me, and that you still don’t, but it was never about that. That’s just an excuse people use, so that they don’t apply themselves, so that they don’t work hard to make a relationship work.”
Cara gently removed her hand from his, and Jack studied her carefully, his face receding into the blank expression she was used to.
“You talked about changing, and a time or two, you even almost did, but sooner or later, your fear took over, and that vicious insecurity inside your head took over, and I became another obstacle you had to face.”
“With the kind of experiences, I’ve had, can you blame me?”
“No, I can’t blame you for your past, but I can hold you accountable for the way you react in the present. Stop using your past as an excuse. Stop playing the victim, and take control of your life, Jack.”
It was strange throwing his own words back at him. He told her something similar once, not too long ago, but she realized now that he was talking about himself. He was just projecting onto her.
“It’s not that easy.”
“Nobody said it would be easy, but it’s worth it.”
It wasn’t that she didn’t want Jack back, it was that she knew better now. She wasn’t the same person that she was back then, and she wouldn’t make any apologies for that.
She just didn’t know if the person that she was right now could be with Jack, and love him again. At least, not the Jack she knew.
He would have to make a major change, and commit to it, and she wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to do.
Cara drew herself up, and drew on the strength she had inside. “So I’ll be damned if I let you walk back in here, asking for a second chance, and get it just like that. Like hell that’s happening. You want a second chance, Jack then earn it and try to deserve me. Please don’t walk back into my life until you actually mean it.”
Cara threw her head back, lifted her head high in the air, and walked out of that office without looking back.
It was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, but she knew she needed to do it nonetheless.
Chapter Four
“You’re really quiet,” Mike commented, his eyes on the road as they drove back to the house, the air filled with a pregnant silence.
“Yeah,” Cara responded, her eyes fixed straight ahead, and her hands folded in her lap.
“Did something happen when I stepped outside to take a phone call? You looked different when you walked out.”
“Yeah, something did, but what do you mean by different?”
“I don’t know. It’s a bittersweet kind of feeling almost, but I could be wrong.” Mike shrugged, but she could feel the worry radiating off him.
Bless him, he always worried too much.
Michael had been her best friend since the fourth grade. He was the quiet kid who stuttered, and she was the new girl who loved books too much.
They bonded fast, and from that day on, they were like peanut butter and jelly.
She wanted so much to tell him how she felt, but she wasn’t sure she could articulate it, and she was worried about his reaction when he found out that Jack tried to win her back.
He used to like Jack a great deal, they were even becoming friends, but the second it happened, Mike turned on Jack in a heartbeat.
Cara’s mind went to how she felt walking away from Jack.
Each step she took away from him felt like ice cold dread in her heart, each breath felt more labored than the last, but with that pain came a different sense of freedom. And pride.
All the emotions she kept bottled up had finally bubbled to the surface, and she felt lighter than she felt in years. Sure, the price she had to pay might be never getting another chance with Jack, but to get her freedom back, that was worth a lot more.
As for the pride, well she was proud of herself. There was nothing wrong with that.
She’d done it.
What she should’ve done the minute she found out he was talking to his ex and hiding things from her then lying blatantly to her face. She should’ve left him then and there because she had a zero-tolerance policy when it came to lying, and cheating.
She didn’t though because she loved him.
Slowly, she began to realize that love wasn’t enough.
The longer she stayed with him, the more suspicious she became. Trust began to erode, like an eraser than you used one too many times until finally, it was just the tip that was left.
She kept telling herself that people make mistakes, and she could forgive him as long as he truly meant it. Until he did it again. The second time was way worse.
Because instead of apologizing for it, he turned the tables around, and blamed her for asking in the first place.
“It was, I guess. Bittersweet I mean,” Cara clarified after a long si
lence.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Did she?
She knew she should, but want and should are two very distinct things. She knew she would feel better if it was all out in the open, but saying it made it more real, and more tangible somehow.
As if she could somehow reach out and touch old versions of herself and warn her. But even if she could, she wasn’t sure she would.
Cara was a big believer in fate, and things happening for a reason.
“I think I do, yeah.”
Mike turned to face her in surprise, forgetting for a second that he was driving. “Really?”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised about it. I talk to you about things,” Cara teased good naturedly.
“I know, but so far, you haven’t said a word about what happened.”
“Could you please turn your attention back to the road? Driving usually involves keeping your eyes on the road.”
Abruptly, Mike’s eyes swung back to the road, and he focused his attention elsewhere.
Cara took a deep breath before she exhaled loudly. “I wasn’t ready, Mike. Talking about it would’ve made it real, and I don’t think I was ready to face that it was well and truly over.”
Mike pulled into his spot in the garage, killed the engine, and he sat there for a moment as if he was afraid she’d change her mind. “What about now? What changed your mind?”
“Something you taught me actually.”
Mike turned to face her, astonishment written all over his face. “Me? How?”
“You saved my life, Mike. In so many ways. I wouldn’t have gotten through the break up if it weren’t for you, you know that. Let’s go upstairs, and I’ll tell you the rest.”
They both exited the car at the same time, and slammed their doors, a hush descending upon them.
On their way up, Cara stopped and stared out the window.
“Look, it’s the first snowfall of the year!”
Christmas was her favorite holiday. She loved decorating the tree, singing the songs and drinking hot cocoa while watching the classic Christmas holidays.
“I smell pumpkin spice in the air.” Mike rolled his eyes as he made a gagging face.
“Oh, shut up. You don’t know what you’re missing out on.”
“I can live with that.”
***
Twenty minutes later, they were seated on the couch in the living room opposite each other. They had both changed into comfortable sweatpants and hoodies since there was a cool chill in the air, and Cara had a blanket wrapped around her.
She curled her fingers around the mug, and let the steam warm her fingers. “Thanks for making me hot cocoa.”
“I’m happy to help. Besides, I figured it might help. You don’t have to tell me, Cara. You can change your mind if you want.”
Cara blew on the drink, and tentatively took a sip, savoring the taste as it raced down, tinkling different parts of her throat.
“No, I’m sure. It’s time to talk about it. If I don’t open up that can of worms then I will never truly be able to move forward, and in an odd kind of way, I needed to see Jack today to realize that.”
Cara curled her feet underneath and adjusted the blanket. She twirled a lose strand of thread. “I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ve spent so long running away from it, never ready to face it, and here I am.”
“Here you are.” Mike echoed. “Do you want to tell me what happened between you and Jack?”
Cara yanked on the thread. “Well, we were fine until he just started acting weird. All of a sudden, he wasn’t responding to my calls or my texts.”
“I remember you telling me that, and how worried you were.”
Cara lifted her gaze up. “What I didn’t tell you is that a week before that, his ex texted me because she wanted to make sure that I was there for him, and making sure he’s okay.”
“His ex?” Mike raised an eyebrow, glanced sideways then back at her. “The ex that he used to think was his soul mate? The one that he loved really and truly? The one he wanted to marry? That ex?”
Cara nodded. “That ex.”
Mike whistled. “Damn, that’s hard. She didn’t know you two were a thing?”
Cara and Jack had been best friends for about four years before they fell for each other and began dating. When they became an item, she thought that everybody knew.
“No, she didn’t, and I was at his house that day, so when I showed him the text, and asked him what she was talking about, he tried to lie about it, but then he backtracked and said it was nothing.”
“Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know, and the thing is, I wasn’t worried until then. He was free to talk to whoever he wants to talk to, I just wanted him to be honest about it.”
Mike picked up his mug and eyed her over the rim. “Isn’t this the ex he chose after the first time you two kissed, and she came back into his life?”
“Yeah, that’s the one, Zoe.”
Jack and Zoe had a long history together.
A history that, ironically, began because of Cara. Cara and Zoe were friends, and they hung out quite often, so when Zoe expressed interest in dating Jack, she asked Cara if it would be okay.
Cara was thrilled at the time, thinking that they would make the perfect couple.
And they did.
For a while.
But then they became impatient, and Jack fell back into old habits. He started pushing Zoe away, dodging her calls, and acting like she had the plague. Cara tried to reason with him, to make him see sense because she could see how much he still loved Zoe, but he was not to be deterred.
So, even though, he had already introduced Zoe to his parents, and he talked about marrying her, they ended things.
Jack was heartbroken.
Until they got back together.
Then they broke up again.
Then got back together again.
Eventually, they both realized that they couldn’t keep doing it, and so they ended it for good, or so Cara thought.
A year later, when Cara and Jack got drunk and kissed each other, Cara tried not to read into it considering they had both just gotten out of bad relationships.
Much to her dismay though, it unveiled some hidden feelings she never knew existed, and she found herself wondering about Jack, but they both agreed not to risk the friendship.
Then, Jack started acting like a jealous boyfriend, so that left them in a rather precarious position. That all changed when Zoe came back into the picture, and he dropped Cara like a hot potato.
“Anyways, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, considering nothing had happened, but then like I said, a week later, things took a turn for the worse. He kept disappearing then reappearing. Giving me monosyllabic answers, forgetting about plans we made, and eventually one day when he was really sick, I couldn’t find him. I was frantic, I called his parents, his brother, and even his best friend, but nobody had heard from him.”
Mike gestured for her to continue as he placed his hand atop hers and squeezed.
“I don’t know why I did it, and I know I had no right to go snooping like that, but I was terrified. The last time had disappeared like that, he nearly hurt himself, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I got there on time, I don’t know what would’ve happened.”
“You reached out to Zoe, didn’t you?” Mike said softly, understanding dawning on his features.
“I did, and I’m not proud of it, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t. She told me she hadn’t heard from him that day, but that she had just spoken to him a few days ago to check on him since he told her that he was feeling down. A sick feeling began to form in the pit of my stomach, and so against my better judgement, I asked her if she knew that he was seeing somebody, and she said no, that he hadn’t mentioned it.”
“That bastard.” Mike swore under his breath, and he clasped both of her hands tig
htly in his. “I can’t believe he would do that. I remember you being very agitated, and it all makes sense now. You tried to reach out to him, but he froze you out, and then he went to his, his ex of all people for comfort?! Not only that, but he also failed to mention that he was with you.”
Cara sighed. “Yeah, so I confronted him, and when I did, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, repeatedly, but he said there wasn’t anything. With each other no, I began to despair until finally I told him that I knew, and that’s when things snowballed out of control. He accused me of spying on him, of not trust him, and how I just had to make things about me.”
Mike’s face contorted into anger. “What the hell is wrong with him? He was in the wrong here, not you!”
Cara shrugged. “I think it was because he knew that I had cornered him, and like a cat caught in the act, he lashed out. Instead of owning up to his mistakes. Jack did always have a problem admitting when he was wrong, and apologizing.”
Mike’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “What else did he say?”
“He flew into a rage, said that I was trying to victimize myself like I always did, and that he thought I was different than his exes who constantly spied on him, but that I turned out to be just like them. A two-timing backstabber.”
“Son of a bitch! He was projecting his own mistakes onto you.”
“That’s not the worst part, Mike. The worst part is that he knew exactly what to say to get under my skin, and I believed him. I was so in love with him, I would’ve done anything for him.”
“Jesus, Cara, I don’t know what to say.” Mike raked his hand through his hair causing it to stick out in tufts, his brown eyes regarding her solemnly.
“You know how things got ugly then, and how I spiraled into a deep and dark depression especially when my parents both get sick around the same time.”
“Cara….” Mike hesitated. “Is that when you tried to hurt yourself?”
Cara ducked her head, shame flooding her. She had never been the type to exhibit self-harming behavior up until that point. She had gone through a lot of break ups, good and bad, and when she was all cried out, she picked herself up and got back on again.