by E. K. Blair
As we are driving back toward the café, I feel bad for my rude behavior, so I soften it by saying, "Thanks."
"For what?"
"Today. I had fun hanging out."
"You should say 'yes' when I ask you to go running with me tomorrow morning."
"Is that you asking me or telling me?"
He turns to look at me and smirks, not saying anything. Giggling at his invitation, I say, "Okay then."
"Okay then," he repeats.
By the time we arrive back at the café, the parking lot has emptied out and the rain is now falling hard. Ryan reaches over and turns down the music before saying, "I didn't want to say anything earlier, but I can't help but wonder about what made you come home yesterday."
Being worn out from our day, and feeling more at ease around him, I don't hesitate much when I decide to answer. "I got into a fight with my parents. Some pretty nasty things were said, so I just left."
He shifts in his seat to face me and I do the same, as he asks, "You guys fight a lot?"
"My whole life. My mother is a difficult woman to be around. She doesn't approve of the way I want to live."
"What do you mean?"
"My parents are more concerned about their social standing than my happiness. So, having a daughter who wants to be a dancer and is unengaged is not a good look for them."
"That's pretty shitty."
"I'm used to it," I quietly say and lean the side of my head against the seat.
"No one should be used to that," he says in a soft raspy tone. "They should be proud of you. I've only just met you, but you're pretty great from what I know so far."
His words are so sweet, but at the same time, a little unnerving. What's strange is that I can say the same about him. I have only known Ryan for a short while, but our friendship feels very natural.
"I had always hoped that somewhere beneath their hard exterior that they would be proud of me, but after last night, I now know that they aren't. My mother actually said she was embarrassed by me."
Ryan lets out a long sigh and leans in closer to me. I look down to see him reaching over and sliding his hand over the top of mine. When I look up at him, he is staring at me with a hint of sadness in eyes.
My heart starts to race, and I feel myself wanting to close off. It hasn't really bothered me when he's taken my hand in the past, but something about being alone with him now and opening up to him is beginning to overwhelm me. I sit up, pull my hand away from his, and start fiddling with the door handle. I hear the click of the locks and thank him with a shaky voice for hanging out with me. I hesitantly turn around to look at him when I get out of his car and give him an apologetic smile because I don't know what else to do, but I need space, and I need to be alone before I start to really freak out. I dig out my keys from my purse and unlock my car door. I take another quick glance at him before driving away, and he is sitting there watching me with a confused look on his face.
Embarrassed by my moment of weakness, I pull away and start driving home. Anxiety begins to course through my body, and I cry. How can I be so weak and show it in front of Ryan? I'm disappointed in myself for not holding it together better.
When I pull up to my house, I just sit in my car and continue to wipe the tears that are falling down my cheeks. I slowly inhale a deep breath and am able to gain a little bit more control over my emotions.
Why am I acting like this? I had such a great day, and Ryan has become a good friend to me. I know I need to just pull myself together because he will be coming over tomorrow morning to run, and he will think I'm a total basket case if I call and cancel on him after what just happened. God, Candace, get your shit together. You can do this.
After I lace up my shoes, I go to the kitchen to get some water when I hear the doorbell ring.
"Hey, you ready?" Ryan asks when I open the door.
"Yeah. Here, hold these." I hand him the waters and turn to grab my hooded running jacket off the couch. Zipping it up, I say, "Okay, I'm ready. Let's go."
I take one of the bottles of water and tell Ryan to keep the other. Locking the door behind us, we start off with a brisk walk through the neighborhood.
"I figured we could run around campus and through some of the surrounding neighborhoods. How are you with distance?" he asks.
"I'm good for around six or seven miles, but it's pretty cold out today, so I'm not too sure how long I'll last."
The morning is bitterly cold, and the sun has just started to rise. The streets are empty aside from a few other runners we see as we start walking toward the UW campus. We begin with a light jog for about a half-mile before we break into our run. The streets are wet and soggy with dead leaves that are piled along the curbs and scattered over the lawns. A slight mist is in the air, which isn't anything new, and it looks like we are due to have another rainy day. It has rained every day this month, and the news keeps talking about the city hitting the big 'four-oh' this next week when the yearly rainfall will reach forty inches.
When we finally hit the campus, the sidewalks are completely empty, and it's abnormally quiet.
"Next weekend Mark's band is playing another gig at the bar. You should stop by," Ryan says as we run through the quad that is lined with now-bare cherry trees.
"Thanks, but I have to work."
"Would you come if you didn't have to work?"
"Probably not," I answer a bit more honestly than I intended. He knows I don't go out much, well, ever. Jase is always teasing me about being a hermit around Mark and Ryan, so it shouldn't be any surprise to Ryan when I say that.
"Have you ever heard Mark play?"
Jogging up a flight of stairs, my breath is short when I answer, "No."
"Never?"
"God, don't make it sound like I'm such a bad friend, Ryan," I say sarcastically.
Ryan starts to laugh. "No, I'm not. I'm just surprised, that's all."
When I look over at him, he meets my eyes, and I say, "No, you're not," with a grin.
"So, why don't you ever go out?"
"I'm normally busy with either school or work. I've never gone out too much. In fact, the past few weeks have actually been a big stretch for me. But, Jase has been on my case, so instead of butting heads with him, I haven't been putting up much of a fight."
"I should thank him then."
"Why's that?"
"Because I really like hanging out with you," he says openly, and I immediately feel my face heat despite the frigid weather. I don't respond as we continue to run. If I'm being honest with myself, I really like hanging out with Ryan as well. He's been a great distraction for me since the fight with my parents.
"So, what are your plans for today?" Ryan asks after a while.
"I need to study. I was also thinking about going up to the studio since nobody should be there and working on my solo."
"Your solo?"
"Yeah, graduating seniors have to choreograph a solo and audition for our final production at the end of the year." I say as we begin to veer off into another neighborhood. "It's kind of a huge thing."
"Why's that?"
"It's the one time that agencies come out to watch. So if you get one of the solos, then you have a good chance at having a job after you graduate."
"Will it be hard for you to get a solo?"
"I honestly don't know. My piece of music isn't the best, so I'm having a hard time feeling it, and my instructor is noticing, which is never good. Plus, all the girls are insanely competitive." I say with labored breath.
The cold air is starting to burn my lungs when Ryan asks, "You doing okay?"
"My lungs are burning."
Looking over at me with a slight smile, he says, "No more talking, just run."
I smile back and nod my head as we continue to weave through the quiet streets.
We are making our way back to the house when the rain starts to fall. The drops feel like tiny pieces of ice on my face as we pick up our pace to get back to my house. Ryan turns to look
at me, and I see that he's laughing.
Barely able to breathe at this point, I manage to huff out, "What the hell's so funny?"
"Us."
I stare at him until he continues, "Always getting stuck in this freezing ass rain."
Smiling in agreement, we start sprinting to my house as we round the corner onto my street. Running up the sidewalk and the few steps to the covered front porch, I lean over and grip my knees with my hands as I gasp for air. I begin to feel lightheaded when Ryan steps in front of me, placing both his hands on my shoulders. He walks me over to the large bench on the porch, and we both sit down. Still feeling slightly dizzy, I lower my chest down toward my knees and lay my head in my hands.
Ryan places his hand on my back, leans down to my ear, and says, "Slow your breathing, Candace." He begins to rub my back when he repeats, "Slow."
I take in one long, deep breath and let it out gently. When the dizziness begins to subside, I slowly lift my head up and lean back into the seat.
"Here," Ryan says as he unscrews the cap to his bottle of water and hands it to me.
My throat burns, so I'm only able to take in a small sip before thanking him.
"I shouldn't have pushed you like that by sprinting," Ryan says.
"It's fine, I just haven't been running very much since summer, and the cold air got to me. I'm okay," I say with chattering teeth. I look at him, his long hair dripping with water, and I know I would be a total bitch if I left him like this to drive home. So, with hesitation, I say, "We should go inside and dry off."
When we walk in, I show him to the guest bathroom and run to grab some of Jase's clothes that are in my room for him to change into. I leave him be while I go into my room and change into some dry clothes and tie my wet hair into a messy bun. When I walk out of my room, Ryan is sitting on the couch in the living room. He stands up and starts thanking me for joining him on his run. A huge part of me is relieved that he isn't trying to stay here and hang out. Being alone with him inside my house still makes me feel very uneasy.
"You still going to the dance studio after that run?" he asks while walking to the front door as I follow him.
"Yeah, honestly, I'm fine. I didn't eat before we left, so I'm sure that's why I got lightheaded. I'm going to fix something to eat, then study for a while before I head up there."
"I'll catch you later then?"
"Yeah," I say.
Once Ryan leaves, I make a pot of coffee and grab a breakfast bar. I go back to my room, pick up my phone, and call Jase. When he answers, he's concerned that something is wrong. I assure him that I'm fine and that I just miss him. He can't talk for long because he is out with Mark's family for brunch. I'm used to always having Jase around, but I am happy that he is so content with Mark. They have become very serious in these past few months; I know Jase really loves him. Both of them come back home tomorrow, so Jase and I make plans to hang out after Mark goes home.
Dancing was just what I needed today. After Ryan left, I spent the majority of the afternoon stressing about my parents rather than studying. I'm used to my father calling me after a fight and trying to smooth things over, but he hasn't tried contacting me at all. My mother and I said some pretty harsh words to each other, and I'm just not quite sure how we are going to move past this.
Going to the studio helped clear my head and relaxed me as it always does. I was able to focus on and choreograph several eight-counts for my solo. I am starting to get some direction with the piece, and it feels good to be making progress with it.
After I worked on my solo, I decided to stay a while longer to work on my center floor technique. I ended up being at the studio for a little over three hours. By the time I got back home, my head was clear, so I decided to make good use of it and get the schoolwork done that I couldn't focus on earlier.
Finishing up some research for a paper, I check my phone to see that it's past eight o'clock. I decide to call it a night and quickly change into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. I pop a sleeping pill and walk to the kitchen to grab a quick bite to eat before heading to bed.
The doorbell rings just as I am opening the fridge. I'm beyond surprised when I open the door and see Ryan standing there with a pizza and beer.
"What are you doing here?!"
Giving me a slight smile, he steps around me and comes inside. "I ran out to grab some dinner and knew you weren't doing anything tonight, so I drove here instead of back to my place."
"Oh..."
"That a problem?"
He starts walking to my kitchen, and all I can mumble out is, "Ummm...no. I just..."
"Just what?"
"Just surprised that's all. Why didn't you just text me?"
He sets down the pizza and beer and starts opening drawers until he finds the one with the bottle opener. "Because I figured you would probably tell me you were studying." He pops the cap off the beer, hands it to me, and winks as I press my lips together and agreeably nod. He takes his beer bottle and clinks the neck of it to mine then takes a sip.
"Plates?" he asks, and I nod my head over to the cabinet they are in while I take a long sip of my beer. "So, how was the rest of your day?" he continues while he moves with ease around my kitchen.
"Good. I got a lot done actually."
"Great, let's eat then," he says as he stacks the plates and napkins on top of the pizza box and heads into the living room. "Do you mind grabbing the beer?"
"No problem."
Setting everything down on the coffee table, he plops down on the couch and watches me until I move to join him. The past two times he has been here made me very uncomfortable, but his playful attitude tonight is amusing me more than anything.
I am pleasantly surprised when I open the pizza box to see that he got a Hawaiian pineapple pizza. I look over at him and ask, "How did you know I like pineapple on my pizza?"
Leaning forward and grabbing a slice, he says, "I didn't. Like I said, I got this for me before deciding to come over."
"Oh."
He smiles at me before taking a bite, and I grab a slice and join him. Sitting here, eating pizza and drinking beer, feels a lot like the times Jase and I have done this—comfortable. Then I remember that it probably feels comfortable because I already took my sleeping pill, which always helps relax me. Enjoying his company, I brush it off.
"So, you know what I did with my day. What about you?" I ask.
"After our run, I went to the gym to do some lifting. Then later, I went to the bar to work. Had to sign off on a bunch of paperwork and inventory orders. That's pretty much it."
I grab another beer and hand it to him so he can pop off the cap. When I start to take a drink, Ryan suggests finding something to watch on TV. I grab the remote for him, and he starts flipping through all the channels before stopping on some old black and white movie. He sets the remote down and leans back on the couch, content with his selection.
"What the heck is this?" I ask facetiously.
"You don't know this movie?"
"Does anyone know this movie?"
He smiles at me and says, "Candace, it's a classic."
I shake my head at him, completely clueless.
"It's 'Double Indemnity' from the 1940's. It's a great movie."
"You watch a lot of these movies?"
He shakes his head at me in mock disapproval. "Sit back and just watch. You'll like it." I sit back into the couch, and he points to the TV as he continues. "See that girl? Her name is Phyllis and that guy is an insurance agent that she is trying to seduce."
"Why?"
"Because she wants him to murder her husband so she can collect the money from his policy."
"Oooh, I like her already," I tease.
Ryan laughs at me and says, "Just watch."
Kicking our feet up on the coffee table, we lean back and watch the movie.
"Candace...Candace, wake up."
Opening my eyes, I look up and see Ryan as he is whispering at me to wake up. I lie there, confu
sed in my sleepy haze, and it takes me a moment to realize that I am lying on the couch with my head in his lap. The haze instantly disappears as I jump up, startled at the scenario. What happened? I must have completely passed out. Mixing my sleeping pill with the beer was a huge mistake.
"Are you okay?" Ryan asks as he stands up and takes a step toward me.
Feeling a bit flustered, I hold my hands out to gesture to him not to come any closer.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you without you locking the door behind me. You fell asleep, and I didn't want to wake you, so I let you sleep for a while."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Startling easily. I didn't know I fell asleep. I'm just...I was just disoriented." I put my hands down and feeling abashed, I apologize again.
"Candace," he says as he takes a step toward me and reaches his hand to brush back a lock of my hair off of my forehead. My body stiffens at his touch, and he quickly pulls his hand back.
"I'll lock the door behind you," I say to rush him out.
"Let me help you clean this up."
Looking at the pizza box and beer bottles, I say, "I'll do it. It's all trash anyway."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
We walk to the door, and he turns back to look at me. He is standing so close that I have to look up at him. I have never noticed our height difference before now. I'm a little over five feet, so he stands much taller than I do. Looking me in the eyes, he quietly says, "I want you to feel comfortable with me."
There is something about the look on his face that's telling me he feels strongly about this, and I whisper, "I know," because I think I feel the same way.
"Okay. So, we'll talk later?"
Nodding my head, I say, "Yeah."
I lock the door behind him after he leaves, and I let out a long sigh. I grab all the trash and dump it in the garbage can then go crawl into bed.
Feeling confused about Ryan, I have a hard time settling back down to sleep. My mind is all over the place, and I am not sure how to sort my thoughts out. Thank God Jase is coming back home tomorrow because I really need to talk to him. For now, I lie in bed, confounded by my thoughts as I stare into the darkness.