by E. K. Blair
"Come with me," he says in my ear, and he leads me out of the room. We wander through the house as he shows me around. The house backs up to the beach, and the view is absolutely breathtaking. When we walk past the formal dining room, two of his cousins are sitting at the table chatting. One of the girls looks up at me and invites me to join them. I look to Ryan, and he says, "I'll just be in the other room helping my mom out."
I nod my head and walk over to sit down as he leaves the room.
Not remembering their names, I say, "I'm sorry, but with all the introductions, I can't remember your names."
"I'm Tori, and this is Jenna."
"So, you live in Seattle too?" Jenna asks.
"Yeah, I grew up there. What about you, where do you guys live?"
"We both live in Astoria, but my sister, Katie, lives in Portland," Tori says.
The three of us begin to talk and get to know each other. The two of them, along with Katie, are the daughters of Ryan's two aunts. They are all married with kids and live in Oregon. They told me that Ryan is the only one in the family that lives in Washington, that he moved there after high school to go to college and just never came back. They seem genuinely interested in me and ask a lot of questions about college and my dancing.
"Tori, Madison's sick," her sister says as she comes into the room.
Tori asks, "What's wrong with her?"
"She was upstairs throwing up. I know there has been a stomach bug going around at her preschool, so I'm hoping that's all it is. I laid her down in Ryan's room, and she's sleeping now."
"Well, just let her rest. As long as she isn't running a fever, I wouldn't worry too much. I think Aunt Donna actually has some leftover Pedialite from when Connor got sick."
Turning to me, she says, "I'm sorry, it's been so crazy today, and I didn't meet you earlier. I'm Katie, Tori's sister."
"I'm Candace."
"So, Ryan finally brings a girl home. I can't believe it," she says.
I see Tori give Katie a wide-eyed, annoyed look, and Katie dramatically says, "What?!"
Jenna and Tori both shake their heads at her, and I'm beginning to feel awkward, so I just ask, "What do you mean?"
Surely he's brought girls home before. From what Mark has told me about what he's heard from Ryan's friends, he has been through a slew of women.
Jenna tells me that all the women in the family are constantly giving him a hard time for never bringing a girl home, that I'm the first one.
"Well, we're just friends. Honestly, I think he only invited me because he felt bad that I was going to spend Christmas by myself."
The three of them give each other curious looks when I say this, which doesn't do much for my comfort level. I feel like they know something I don't, so I just come right out and ask, "Am I missing something here?"
Tori shakes her head at Jenna as Jenna leans in and quietly says, "I don't think that's why he invited you."
"What do you mean?"
Before anyone has a chance to say anything, Ryan's mom walks in and jokingly says, "You girls look like you're up to some gossip." Looking over at me, she says, "I've been so busy all day, I haven't had a chance to visit with you. Let's go chat."
Donna's personality reminds me a lot of Ryan's. She's not intimidating and seems fairly laidback and casual. She has a cute short bob of light blonde hair, and is tall and slender. She's dressed casually for the day in black pants and a red cable-knit sweater.
I stand up and grab my glass of wine as I follow her through the living room where I see Ryan helping one of his nephews put together a puzzle. When he looks up at me as I pass through, he gives me an endearing grin as I smile back. His mother and I walk out of the room into a quiet study.
She makes herself comfortable on the couch with a cup of coffee in hand while I sit in one of the plush chairs. Setting my wine down on a little round table next to the chair, I thank her for having me as a guest.
"You are more than welcome. I have been wanting to meet you for a while now."
I am flustered by her words, especially after the conversation I just had with his three cousins. "A while?" I ask.
"Yeah, ever since he first called me to tell me about you, I've been wanting us to meet."
Not wanting to sound like I'm snooping, I just let her comments be. "Well, I'm glad we got to meet. Ryan's been a good friend to me. I feel like I'm imposing a bit, but he insisted that I come."
"You're not imposing at all! When you have as many people over here as we do, adding one more to the mix is nothing," she says with a giggle. "Ryan tells me you have a fairly small family."
"Yeah, it's just me and my parents." Although I say this, I'm not so sure that's even true after last night. I kind of feel like Jase is my only family now, and at the same time, I wonder how much longer I will have him. He and Mark are very serious, and I have no clue what will happen after we all graduate this year.
"I hope you don't mind, but Ryan has told me a little bit about your family dynamics. I just wanted you to know that Ryan and I have a close relationship and he talks openly with me."
"I don't mind. I figured the two of you had a tight bond. You guys are lucky. I never had that with my parents." I take a sip of my wine when I start to feel the lump in my throat return. I have always wished for that type of closeness with my parents, but it never came. And now we couldn't be any more divided.
"So, Ryan tells me that you're studying ballet at school. It sounds like such fun, to have the opportunity to turn a passion into a career."
I can't contain my smile when I respond, "I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I've taken ballet since I was a little girl, so when I graduated high school, there was no doubt what I wanted to do next."
"That's great to have that desire and focus. Not a lot of kids your age do."
Donna and I talk and get to know each other. She wants to know me better, and I find her to be warm and very easy to talk to. We are deep in conversation when we hear Ryan yell from across the house, "Mom! You're slacking in the kitchen! I think the ham is done!"
Donna and I look at each other and laugh.
"Can I help you in the kitchen?" I ask.
"I have it covered. You go and enjoy yourself."
"Really, I'd like to help."
Donna looks at me, and I can see in her eyes that she probably understands why. Taking my hand, she says, "I'd love that."
Before we ate dinner, Ryan finally let the kids open their gifts. He wasn't kidding when he said he had a lot. He clearly spoils his nieces and nephews rotten, and it was fun for me to sit back and watch him. He's just so relaxed with them. Ryan sat on the floor with Zachary, his nine-month-old nephew, in his lap and helped him tear off all the giftwrap, and then laughed in amusement when all Zachary wanted to do was play with the paper, waving it around in his hands.
Dinner wasn't like any Christmas dinner I have ever had. The kids ate at the bar and breakfast table, with Jenna sitting next to Zachary who's in a high chair. And everyone else spread out between the formal dining room and the living room. We couldn't all sit together with there being eighteen of us. The evening was casual with loud conversation and lots of laughter. Ryan's family made me feel as if I'd known them all forever. I really get along well with Tori and Jenna. Katie has been upstairs with her sick daughter most of the day, so I haven't had much time to get to visit with her.
After a while, the commotion and noise start to overwhelm me. Needing to take a little breather, I offer to take Katie a plate of food since she missed dinner. Walking upstairs, I quietly knock on the door to Ryan's room. I crack the door open and Katie is lying in bed next to Madison.
"I brought you some dinner," I whisper.
Katie gets out of the bed, and I hand her the plate.
"Thank you so much, Candace. That's really sweet."
Looking over at her daughter, I ask, "How's she feeling?"
"She doesn't have a fever, just an upset tummy mostly. I can't get her to go to
sleep though."
"Well, I have no experience with kids, but do you mind if I try?"
"God, pleeease," she chuckles. "She has books in her bag by the bed if you want to try reading to her."
"Thanks. Why don't you go downstairs and eat? I'll stay with her."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, go," I say with a smile.
"Okay. Thank you."
Walking over to the bed, I sit down and Madison rolls over with a tiny groan.
I tell her that I'm a friend of her Uncle Ryan's, and she immediately starts babbling about him and asking me questions. When she begins to slow down, I reach over to her bag and take out two books. They're both ballerina princess books.
"You like ballerinas?" I ask.
"Mmm hmm, I wanna be one. Mommy says when I turn four that I can go to dance class."
"I think you'll make a beautiful ballerina." She smiles up at me and I say, "Do you know that I'm a ballerina?"
"A real one or pretend?"
"A real one."
"You wanna be my friend?"
"Best friends."
She giggles as I open one of her books and begin to read. It isn't long until she is sound asleep with her head on my lap. Not wanting to wake her, I keep still and allow her to sleep.
Setting the books down, I finally take a moment to realize I am lying in Ryan's bed. I look around the room that he grew up in. He has a couple of surfboards leaning against one of the walls and a large flat screen mounted on the wall facing the bed. Something about being in his room makes my heart beat a little faster. I don't want to be feeling this way, but I am. The way he was with me last night makes me feel as if I want to like him more. I have never felt this way about any guy in the past, and that scares me. I only wish he knew me before this year, before I was so screwed up.
Light filters into the room when the door opens. Ryan walks in, looks at me, and laughs. "Are you stuck under Maddie?"
"I didn't want to move and wake her up. What time is it?"
"Past eleven. Everyone has gone to bed. I told Katie to go on to bed and that I would check on you and Maddie."
"I wanted to thank your mother before she went to bed."
"Don't worry about it. Here's your bag. I made a big pallet of blankets and pillows downstairs in the living room. Since Maddie is in my room, we're just going to sleep down there. We can watch a movie or something if you want." He sets my bag on the floor and walks further into the room.
"Oh...ummm..." I mutter nervously. I was supposed to sleep in this room and Ryan was going to stay on the couch.
Sensing my hesitation, he says, "Don't worry. I'll take the floor and you can have the couch."
I smile at him as he walks over and grabs some clothes from his dresser. "I'll be downstairs. You can use my bathroom to change."
"Okay," I say as I slowly slide out from underneath Madison, careful not to wake her.
I grab my bag and go into Ryan's bathroom. I quickly take my sleeping pill, brush my teeth and hair, and then change into a pair of pajama pants and a black cami.
When I walk downstairs, I see Ryan in the kitchen wearing only a pair of flannel pajama pants that are hanging low on his hips. I'm surprised when I see a half-sleeve of tattoos on his right arm that spans a few inches onto his chest.
When he spots me from across the room, he says, "Grabbing some water. Want a bottle?"
"No, thanks."
I notice all the blankets and pillows piled into a big fluffy makeshift bed in the center of the living room.
"You mind if I take the floor?" I ask.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. It looks more comfortable anyway."
"Okay."
Suddenly feeling nervous about spending the night here in the same room as Ryan, I apprehensively walk over and sit down, sliding the covers over my legs. He walks across the dark room, the only light coming from the last of the burning embers in the fireplace. I try not to stare at his bare chest that is revealing the tattoos I never knew he had. He sits down next to me and turns the TV on.
"TCM?"
I laugh at him and say, "It's all we ever watch. Why switch now?"
"I think you're starting to like my movies," he teases.
"Maybe."
We sit back and start watching a movie when Ryan turns to me and says, "Were you okay today?"
"I was. You're really lucky; you have a great family."
"Well, everyone really likes you, especially my mom."
"She's really nice. We had some time to visit earlier."
His words are sweet, but at the same time bring sadness. I only wish it was my parents who felt this way. But being here today, with his big family, has made me realize just how cold my family is. You can't even compare the two. Feeling the emotions tugging at me, I lie down and lay my head on the pillows sitting next to Ryan. He starts playing with my hair, and it's only a matter of minutes when I begin to feel the effects of my pill and drift off.
Gasping for breath, I thrash up out of a dead sleep. My breathing is loud, and I'm confused about where I am until I hear Ryan say, "Candace," as he jumps off the couch and is by my side in a second, pulling me into his arms. "You okay?"
My body is stiff, and I'm shaken, panicked by what just happened. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. I start taking deeps breaths.
"What happened, babe?"
"Bad dream," I quietly whisper through my erratic breathing. I have no idea what brought that on.
"Slow your breathing down, okay?"
I do as he says and concentrate on his heartbeat as he holds me against his chest. Wrapping my arms around him, he begins to stroke one of his hands up and down my back. Once I'm calm and my breathing has steadied, he asks, "Wanna talk about it?"
I don't speak; I just shake my head no. Truth is, I don't know what I was even dreaming about, and the last thing I want to do is try to remember it.
Ryan slides under the covers with me and lays us down, both on our sides facing each other. I look up into his eyes, and he is staring back into mine. Holding me tightly against his warm body, looking into his clear-blue eyes, my heart begins to quicken again, but in a completely different way. He brings his hand up and gently places it on the side of my cheek. My breath catches, and I am so close to him that I can hear his breaths as they begin to increase slightly. Everything about him is calling me. I'm too scared to even move, but at the same time, I want to move. He's all around me, and I still want more. Never taking his eyes off of me as we lie in the darkness, I grasp onto a thread of bravery and bring my hand up to cup his cheek as he is doing mine. Wrapped up in each other, his gaze slowly moves down to my mouth. I shouldn't be wanting to do what I know he wants to, but when his eyes flick back to mine, I keep my eyes locked on his as I nod my head, my timid way of letting him know what I want.
Lowering his head slowly, my heart begins to pound in my chest as he gently presses his soft lips to mine, and my eyes fall shut. My body starts to tremble under his arms, and he grips me tighter. His kisses are slow, but purposeful. When I begin to move my lips softly with his, he glides his hand from my cheek to the back of my head, weaving his fingers into my hair and holding me close.
He brushes his tongue across my upper lip, and a soft noise escapes my throat. I want this, and I want this with him, but I'm scared. I've never felt this way before, and I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel like this. I take my hand from his cheek, slide it under his arm, back up around his broad shoulder, and grip tightly. My heart is all over the place as our lips meld together.
Without breaking our connection, he shifts me onto my back. He begins to softly nip and suck, taking his time and not rushing our kisses. I slide my hands down his shoulders and hold tightly onto his muscular arms. When I feel his tongue brush across my lip again, I part my lips more and allow him to deepen the kiss. He dips his tongue into my mouth and caresses it against mine.
My emotions are running high, and I'm not used to the feeling
s that course through me. Suddenly, the thought creeps in that I'm too damaged for him to ever want to be with me. And what if I'm just another girl to him? I can't do this. I realize that I'm feeling too much, and he now has the potential to hurt me.
I push my hands against his arms, and he pulls back."I'm sorry," I barely whisper, keeping my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed to look at him.
He continues to hold me tightly in his warm arms. "Look at me, Candace," he breathes out.
I take a second before I hesitantly open my eyes and look into his. Supporting himself above me on one elbow, he takes his hand and brushes the back of his fingers along my face.
"I don't want you to feel sorry for that."
Another small noise escapes me as I nod. I can't speak, because holding on as tightly as I am to keep my tears from falling is taking up all the strength I have. So, I wrap my arms around him, clinging to his warmth, to the belief that I didn't just do something stupid—clinging to my hope that he won't hurt me.
Leaning down and resting his forehead against mine, I can't help myself when I tilt my chin up and gently kiss him. His lips fall slowly onto mine, pushing my head into the pillow. I cup his face between my two hands before he languidly pulls his lips from mine. Lying back on his side, he pulls me into him, and for the first time in my life, I let someone besides Jase hold onto me through the night.
My legs are tangled with Ryan's, and he's lying behind me with his arm draped around my waist. His warmth is wrapped around me and although I feel nervous about seeing him after our kiss last night, I also feel relaxed in his arms as he sleeps.
My stomach is full of butterflies, and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. What does this all mean? I wish I knew where his head was at, what he's thinking. At the same time, I feel like I'm not guarding myself like I probably should be. What if that kiss didn't mean anything to him? What if that's something he just does with any girl? Did he feel what I felt?