by E. K. Blair
He turns to face me, placing his hands on my knees, and says, "I know it isn't like that with you two. I get it. But I don't like the thought of you in bed with another man holding you. I want to be that guy. I want you to want me to be that guy, not Jase."
When I hear the crack in his voice, I know that this is really affecting him. Returning the honesty, I tell him, "I want you to be that guy, but I don't know how. Jase is so unthreatening to me because he's just my friend."
"Why do you think I'm threatening?"
My hands begin to fidget when I tell him, "Because you could easily walk away from me." I have to look away from him because the honesty I just put out there is too much for me.
He scoots right up next to me and says, "You think it would be easy for me to walk away? It wouldn't be easy, babe. And I doubt there is anything you could say or do that would make me want to walk away. It kills me that you're so scared of me."
When I look up at him, I confess, "You're the only person I've ever felt this way about, and I don't want to lose you."
He shifts on his knees and leans into me until I am lying on my back. He's supporting himself above me on his one elbow and wraps his other hand around my head, pulling me in for a slow kiss. I hold his face in my hands as his lips dance across mine. When he pulls back, he takes his time staring at me, and I get lost in his clear-blue eyes for a moment before he says, "You're not gonna lose me, babe. I love you too much to let you go."
The pounding of my heart is all I can hear as I try to digest his words, and I know that I love him too. I just can't bare myself that much to him, so I clench my need to say it back to him. The love I feel for him overtakes me, and I start to blink out the tears that fill my eyes. When I nod my head, he leans down and melds his mouth to mine, gliding his tongue across mine. I pull him down on me as I grab his hair with my other hand. I need to be close to him, to somehow show him that I do love him, even though I can't say the words yet.
He reaches down and skims the skin between my pants and my top with his knuckles, and I begin to quiver under his touch, but I allow it. I need to give him more. He flips his hand and begins running his palm up my stomach slowly. My breaths become short, and I try to focus more on his kisses than his wandering hand.
Holding him tight against me, I lean my head forward and nestle it in the crook of his neck. His hand stops right below my bra, and he keeps it there. I know I have to try, so I whisper with a tremble, "It's okay." Dropping his mouth on my shoulder, he grazes his lips across my sensitive skin, kissing and gently sucking as he covers my lace-covered breast with his hand. Pushing my head harder into his shoulder, I hold on tightly to him.
"God, you're perfect," he mumbles between his kisses, and when I feel his thumb skim across my nipple, a whimper escapes my mouth.
Lifting his head up, he says, "Don't hide from me, babe."
I slowly let my head fall back onto the pillow and open my eyes. A few locks of his hair have fallen over his forehead, and his eyes are locked on mine. Keeping his hand on my breast, I pull him down for a kiss. He hooks his finger under the lace of my bra and slides it across my bare skin. Our legs are tangled together, and when he starts to tug at the fabric, I get a flash of Jack tugging at my bra, and my body tenses up. "Please, don't."
Ryan doesn't say anything as he slides his hand from underneath my shirt and moves it to my head, threading his fingers through my hair.
"I'm sorry."
"Look at me," he demands, and when I do, he continues, "When we're together like this, I don't ever want you to be sorry for anything, okay?"
Nodding my head, he kisses me lightly, barely brushing my lips with his when he says one more time, "I love you, babe."
Sitting at my desk, I finish emailing a paper to one of my professors when there's a soft knock on my bedroom door.
"Come in," I say as I hit send and close the lid to my laptop.
Kimber opens my door and asks, "Can I come in?"
"Umm, yeah."
She walks in and takes a seat on the end of my bed, and I turn my chair around to face her, when she says, "I need to talk to you about after graduation."
I have hardly spoken to Kimber in months, so sitting here with her in my room makes me a little nervous.
"Okay."
"Well, I didn't know what your plans were."
"My only plan is to try and find a job. I've always had my heart set on New York, but I will go wherever I get an offer from. Why?"
"I was thinking that it might not be a good idea if you lived here after we graduate."
"Oh." I feel a lump forming in my throat and I want to cry, but I don't. We used to be so close, like sisters, and now she wants me out. How could I let things get this bad between us where she doesn't want me here?
"It's hard having you around and us not talking. I just don't feel like we are even friends anymore. It's been five months, Candace."
"I don't know what to say."
"I wish you would just talk to me. But, honestly, I don't even know if it would do any good at this point. I don't want to continue walking around here with this tension every day."
"Okay," I say. I'm hurt and pissed at myself for causing this fracture between us and now I wonder if this is even fixable.
Neither one of us says anything else, and it's only when she leaves that I begin to cry. When I pick up the phone to call Jase, it starts ringing in my hand. Being upset, I answer it without looking to see who is calling.
"Hello," I choke out.
"Jesus, what's wrong?"
When I hear Ryan's voice I start babbling. "Kimber asked me to move out. She doesn't want me here. She doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. She'd rather I went somewhere else, and I don't know if I can fix this."
"Breathe, babe. I'm in my car heading to the gym. I'm right by your house. I'll be right there."
"Okay," I say before hanging up.
When Ryan arrives, we go back to my room. Sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, he holds me in his arms as I curl up beside him, still upset.
"So, what happened?" he asks as he starts threading his fingers through my hair.
"What I told you. That's all that she said. I didn't say anything because, you know me, I just shut down."
"What the hell happened between you two anyway?"
Shit! What do I say?
Thinking quickly, I tell him the truth, but leave out what I can't have him know.
"At the beginning of the school year, I stayed with Jase at his place for a while and Kimber thought I was avoiding her for some reason. But she didn't believe me when I told her it had nothing to do with her. So we got into a fight and she called me a liar. That was it. We've literally been avoiding each other ever since, and now so much time has passed that we're barely friends anymore."
"I don't understand you chicks, but I hate to see you so upset over this."
"I just miss her. We used to be close like sisters."
"Can't you just tell her that?"
"It won't do any good," I say.
"You know you can always stay with me."
"Yeah, I know."
Ever since Ryan told me he loved me a couple weeks ago, I have been more comfortable talking to him and opening up more. But I have yet to tell him I love him. Something about being that vulnerable still daunts me. He told me he knows I love him and to not worry about the words. I know I'm getting there; it's just taking a little while.
Quickly changing the topic he says, "Come to the gym with me."
I sit up and look at him bemused. "What?"
"Yeah, come with me. We haven't been running much because of your deranged fear of breaking your legs. You can ride the bikes, or if you're feeling risky, run on the treadmill," he jokes with me.
Smacking him in the arm, I say, "Stop laughing at me. And it isn't deranged. Seriously, what if I broke my leg before this audition? It would ruin everything."
Raising his hands in defense, he says dramatically, "I
know. You've been telling me this all week."
Needing to get him off my back, I say, "Fine. I'll go ride the bikes. Let me go change."
When I walk out of the bathroom, Ryan is standing there waiting for me. Bending down, he scoops me up, over his shoulder and playfully grabs my ass. I can't control my laughter as he hauls me through my house. I return the favor and grab onto his ass as he carries me out to his jeep. When he sets me down, I have to grab hold of his arms until the dizziness subsides. He opens my door and helps me up into the car before leaning in and kissing me.
When we arrive at the gym, I make my way over to the cardio machines and Ryan follows closely behind.
"What are you doing?" I say as I turn around to face him.
"Your ass looks hot in those tight pants," he says with a wicked smirk.
I roll my eyes and before I can turn around, he grabs me by said ass and pulls me against him. Swatting his hands away, he laughs as I make my way over and sit my ass on a bike.
"Now what the hell am I supposed to look at?" he complains.
"Go lift your weights and stop harassing the gym's clientele."
I spend the next half hour riding the bike and then decide to run on the treadmill. At least there's a bar I can grab onto if I fall. Ryan has been getting a kick out of teasing me about my fear of breaking anything that has to do with my legs.
I increase the incline and set the speed for a quick-paced run. I scan the gym until I spot Ryan by the free-weights. He's lying on the incline bench doing sets of chest presses. While he's focused on his workout, I take a moment to ogle over his muscular body. When his eyes flick to mine and he catches me gawking, he gives me an egotistical grin, which I shake my head at.
We spend the next hour going back and forth like this, although I catch him a lot more than he catches me. Walking across the gym, he stands in front of my treadmill, leaning against it while I continue to run.
"You trying to kill yourself?"
"No," I say breathlessly, "Just building endurance."
His cocky grin returns, and when I side-step off the tether, I smack him and clarify, "Not for that! For dancing, you perv."
I take his hand as he helps me off the machine, and we walk over to grab some water. I drain my bottle quickly and toss it in the trash. After I towel off my face and neck, we head outside, and I welcome the cold drizzle that's falling.
On the drive back to my place, Ryan mentions the party that Gavin is throwing this weekend. Wondering if I still wanted to go, he assures me it'll be a small crowd, so I tell him yes.
We've hung out with Gavin several times in the past few weeks. He has since apologized to me for making that comment to me at Ryan's loft. I could tell he felt bad about it, so I brushed it off. He's very crass with his words, but he's really funny at the same time. The party, if nothing else, will at least be amusing with him there.
Walking into Gavin's house, Ryan is greeted by several people. Keeping a firm grip on my hand, he introduces me to a few guys before Gavin walks up and throws his arm around me.
"It's about time you guys showed up. Help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen."
"Hey, Gav."
"Hey, gorgeous. I can't believe you haven't left this ass-hat for me yet."
"If it weren't for your delicate language, I might consider it."
"Leave her alone," Ryan says as he pulls me away and into the kitchen to grab a couple of beers.
As he's opening my bottle, I notice a tall blonde eying him. When he hands me my bottle, he leans down and gives me a chaste kiss then leads me back to the living room. We sit on the couch and Ryan begins chatting with two guys that he knows. I sip on my beer and only catch bits and pieces of their conversation. I like that he never takes his hand off of my knee while talking to them; that he's always so aware of me.
I scan the room and spot Gavin who is talking with the blonde I saw in the kitchen. Her hair is long, about the length of mine. She wears her makeup in a sultry way, opposite of my simple mascara and lip-gloss.
When both she and Gavin turn their heads and look at me, I immediately shift my eyes to Ryan. Looking back at me, he squeezes my knee, and Gavin flops down next to me.
"What's up?"
"Were you talking about me?"
"God you're paranoid," he teases and nudges my leg.
"I'm gonna go get another drink." Scooting forward on the couch, I ask Ryan if he wants another beer.
"Yeah, babe. Thanks."
I grab his empty bottle and make my way into the kitchen, tossing them into the trash. Opening the fridge, I grab two more and when I turn around, the tall blonde is standing next to me.
"Hi, I'm Gina," she says politely and holds out her hand.
Sticking one of the bottles under my arm, I reach out my now free hand to shake hers.
"I'm a good friend of Gavin and Ryan."
"Oh. I'm Candace."
"They've never mentioned you before."
"I just met Gavin a few weeks ago," I say.
"So are you and Ryan...?"
"What?" I question, not quite sure what she is trying to ask me.
A grin begins to spread across her face when she leans in and says, "He's good, isn't he?"
I back away from her face and say, "Excuse me?"
"Oh, come on. Everyone knows what he's like."
What the hell is this girl's deal? Did he sleep with her? Thoughts start flooding my mind, and I just want to leave. Jealousy fills me when she says, "I'm a little surprised by you though. You don't seem to fit his type."
"Excuse me," I say as I start to walk away. I don't know this girl, but I hate her nonetheless.
"Oh my God. That's so cute," she says before I can get too much distance between us. When I turn around to look at her, she's laughing at me and says, "You think he loves you? Ryan doesn't know what that is. Trust me, I've been with him enough times to know that."
I feel sick and fire rushes through my veins, and if I wasn't so small compared to her, I'd slap the shit out of her. I set the beers on the counter and turn around. Walking through the living room, I pass Ryan and snap at him, "Take me home," and then make my way outside. My hands are shaking as a multitude of emotions runs through me: jealousy, anger, embarrassment.
"Candace," Ryan says as he rushes behind me.
I turn around, angry, and shout at him, "Did you sleep with that girl in there? Gina?"
He lets out a deep breath, and I shake my head and say, "Forget it. Just take me home."
I open the door before he can open it for me and hop up onto the seat. It's one thing for me to hear about his past, but to have his past right there in my face, taunting me, is more than I can handle.
When we start driving, Ryan finally speaks up. "I didn't know she was going to be there. When I saw her, I didn't want to say anything to draw attention."
I don't respond. I'm too upset to respond, so I pull my knee up to my chest and shift my body toward the door, leaning the side of my head against the cold leather seat and stare out the window. I want to cry because I'm embarrassed and hurt, but I don't.
"Candace, say something."
I don't.
To be honest, I'm upset with that girl, not Ryan. I know Ryan has been nothing but open with me, so I can't fault him for that. But, it doesn't make it any easier. I wonder if everyone in that house thought I was just another girl like Gina. I hate that thought.
When he pulls into his driveway, I softly say without moving, eyes still looking out the window, "Ryan, I really just want to go home."
He doesn't say anything when he gets out of the car and walks around to my side. Opening the door, he takes my hand and helps me out. I don't protest because I'm too tired to argue with him. We walk inside, and he takes me upstairs to his room.
I stand in the doorway as he walks over to his dresser and starts pulling out clothes.
"Ryan, what are you doing?"
"You're not going home. Here," he says as he hands me a pair of his boxe
rs and a t-shirt.
I stand there for a moment and watch him as he begins to undress, then I turn to go to his bathroom and change myself. Realizing I don't have my pills, I call out for Ryan to bring me my purse.
When he knocks on the door, I open it and thank him when he hands it to me. I quickly brush my teeth, and when I walk out, the lights are off, and Ryan is already in bed. He didn't pull the drapes shut, and the moon casts a muted light through the room.
When I slide under the covers, Ryan instinctively pulls me in, facing him.
"Talk to me," he says with a soft voice.
"I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, and I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just...I don't like feeling the way she made me feel. It's embarrassing."
"She was nothing to me."
"When did you...I mean...How long ago?"
"August or so."
I sigh and close my eyes, not wanting to talk about this or think about this anymore.
Brushing my hair back with his hands, he tells me, "They were only there to distract me, but when I saw you, you faded everything I needed distracting from."
Opening my eyes, I look up at him and ask, "Did you love any of them?"
"No."
Hesitantly, "Do you love me?"
"I've only ever loved you."
He rolls on top of me, staring down into my eyes. I pull him down, and I kiss him with an intensity I haven't felt before. Crushing his lips with mine, tasting each other, and feeling each other, I grab his hair, keeping him close to me. He trails his hand down the center of my sternum, between my breasts, over my stomach, and when he reaches the hem of my shirt, I feel the heat of his hand as he slides it up, making my body shudder beneath his. When he cups me in his hand and squeezes, my body bows up to him, and he lets out a deep moan.
"God, I want you," he whispers.
Sitting back on his heels, he pulls me up to him. He reaches down and slowly begins lifting up my top. Raising my arms up, he peels the cloth off of me and tosses it on the floor. He takes his hands and slides them down my sides. "Babe..."
He lays me back down and grazes his lips down my neck and over the thin lace of my bra. I hold tightly onto the sides of his head when he covers my nipple with his mouth and drags his tongue across the fabric. I begin to feel the anxiety build inside my stomach. I can't do this.