by E. K. Blair
"I'm so sorry."
"When I dream about that night, it's always taken away from me. There's nothing to distract me."
"I wish I knew his name," he says with spite.
Ryan has asked me once to tell him who the guy was, but I refused. I know he'd only kill him if given the chance. It doesn't matter anyway; what's done is done, and it can't be fixed.
When I look up at him, his jaw is tightly clenched. Sliding my hand along his jawbone, I lift up on my toes to reach his mouth and give him a soft kiss. I hate that he feels this way—helpless.
He pulls me closer to him, and I feel him relax under my hand.
"I'm glad you're here," he says when he breaks our kiss.
"It isn't anything like I'd thought."
"How's that?"
"I don't know...I didn't expect it to be so nice." I chuckle, realizing how rude that just sounded.
"Wow. Thanks, babe," he says, with mock annoyance.
I smile up at him. "No, that's not what I meant. I like it. I should have known it would be nice like this by the way your loft is."
"It's okay. Let me just sign these papers and we can go, all right?"
"Okay."
I watch him as he stands over his desk and finishes signing the orders. I'm relieved that I can be here and not be having a total freak out. Of course, we are here alone, which helps, but realizing that I can come here feels good. I don't fight the smile that starts to spread across my face. When Ryan sets his pen down and turns to look at me, he grins, and asks, "What?"
"I thought this would've been a lot harder."
"Thank you for doing this," he says as he runs his hands down my arms.
"Thanks for pushing me."
When we leave and get into his jeep, I know I just did something huge. I did it, and I was okay. I've been avoiding this place for months, and it feels slightly empowering that I don't feel that same level of fear. It isn't completely gone, but it's a big step for me.
"Why don't you come with me?"
"Because I just rehearsed for an hour on top of my two-hour studio. I've also been getting painful cramps in my calves.
"When did that start?"
"This week. I upped my calcium and have been using Tiger's Balm, but I don't really want to put anymore strain on my legs right now."
"Okay, well, I'll be back in a couple hours. I'm gonna run after I lift," he says as he's mixing his protein shake.
"I'm going to go pop by Jase's while you're gone since I won't see him much during the break."
He takes a gulp of his shake, sets it down on the kitchen counter, and brings me into his arms.
"Text me when you're on your way back, so I can be here waiting for you," he says in a sexy low voice as he grabs my ass and sets me on the countertop.
When he leans in to kiss me, I push against his chest. "Don't kiss me after drinking that crap."
"What?" he says as he chuckles.
"That stuff is nasty. I don't know how you can stand it."
Laughing at me, he ignores my words and plants a big kiss on my mouth. I try to turn my head to the side when he kisses me, but his hold is tight, and my outburst of giggles makes me too weak to push him off. He tastes like chocolate dirt.
"Ryan! Gross!"
He releases me, takes a few steps back, all the while laughing, and then picks up his cup and chugs the rest of his shake.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I jump off the counter and jab my finger in his ribs as I walk out of the kitchen.
He follows behind and locks up as we head out to our cars.
"See you later?" he asks as he opens my car door for me.
"Yeah, I'll text you when I leave."
"Love you, babe," he says before he leans in and nips me on my neck.
"Love you, too." I slide into my car, and he shuts the door before I start backing out of the driveway.
When I hit the elevator button in the lobby of Jase's apartment building, I'm caught off guard when the door slides open and Kimber is standing there. She looks equally shocked to see me.
Stepping out, she says, "Hey. Where have you been?"
When I called Ryan to stay with him, I only planned on a week or two, but it's been over a month since he came over to help me pack my bags.
"With Ryan."
"You living with him now?"
"Um, no...I mean, kinda." I shake my head and gather my thoughts. Being honest, I tell her, "I could tell you were upset after we talked, and I was upset too. So, I thought I would give us both a little space. I didn't intend on being gone this long."
"Whatever," she says softly as she hangs her head and looks to the floor. "I guess it doesn't really matter." That's all she says before turning to walk outside.
"What are you doing here?" Jase says when I walk into his apartment.
"Just thought I would stop by. You busy?"
"No," he says as he scans my face. "What's wrong?"
Upset from seeing Kimber downstairs, I let out a sigh and fall onto his couch.
"Was Kimber just over here?" I ask him when he sits down next to me.
"I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to upset you."
Looking over at him, I say, "I'm not upset."
He cocks his head and says, "Sweetie, I can tell when you're trying not to cry. You get all squeaky."
Taking a deep breath and puffing it out, he continues. "She texted me a few days ago wanting to know where you were. When I called her, she was upset. I felt bad, Candace. She was my friend too, and I have felt real shitty about how I've treated her."
I wipe the tears from my cheeks as I listen to him talk, and I feel like a horrible person for causing all of this.
"She asked if she could come over and talk. Candace, she's really upset. She misses you."
Trying to stop the tears, I begin hiccupping back my breaths. Jase scoots over and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
"Do you think you could talk to her now? Be honest with her?"
"I can't. Her boyfriend is in the same fraternity as Jack."
"What? How do you know that?" he asks as he looks at me with surprise.
"I saw the Greek letters on his car one day."
"Did you say anything to Kimber?"
"No, why would I?"
"Are they friends?"
"I don't know. I never brought it up because I didn't want to draw any attention to him."
Jase leans his head back on the couch, and I feel envious that he can still be friends with her.
"I'm not upset. I understand that she's your friend. I'm sorry I ever put you in that position."
"Sweetie," he says as he rolls his head to the side to look at me. "I love you. Even though I haven't been a good friend to her, I would have done that to anyone for you."
I smile at his words. There isn't any way I could ever express exactly how much they mean to me. Jase has always been so selfless with me, and I try to give back to him what he gives to me.
"So, what did she say?" I ask.
"She just talked about you. How hurt she is. How much she misses you. She wanted to know what's going on in your life. I told her about Ryan and that you're really happy with him."
As I nod my head, he adds, "If you won't talk to her, then I think you should at least start spending some time back at your place."
"Yeah...okay."
I sit back on the couch next to him and rest my head against his shoulder. After a few minutes pass, Jase switches topics and asks me about the gallery show at Thinkspace on Friday night. Ryan's photograph will be on display and up for sale. Jase and Mark are going along with some of Ryan's friends as well. I haven't told Jase that the photo is of me. I don't want anyone to know, and Ryan doesn't either.
"So what time should Mark and I be there?"
"It starts at eight, so anytime around then."
"Sounds great. And when are you guys heading out to Oregon?"
"We're going to leave the next morning. I'm not sur
e when we'll be coming back. Ryan wanted to leave it open. He's taken the week off, so we will just play it by ear."
"Mark and I will be around, so when you get back, let us know."
"I will." Sitting up on the couch, I turn to look at Jase and say, "Hey, you wanna go down to Peet's and grab a coffee? We can walk around some of the shops."
"Yeah, let's get out of here. Give me a second to throw on another shirt."
We spend the next couple of hours shopping around the vintage stores on Fremont after stopping by Peet's. While we roam around, I think about what Jase said. I know I need to talk to Ryan and let him know that I should go back home. I never intended on staying at his place for as long as I have. We just kind of fell into it. I love him, and I love being there, but I have my own place and a friend that I sort of abandoned, even though we aren't really talking and haven't been for months. I can't tell her about Jack. After telling Ryan, I don't ever want to go through that again. Plus, I'm not even sure of Seth's connection with Jack. It scares me to think what Kimber would do, being that she is, in a way, linked to him. I don't know what I can do to salvage my relationship with Kimber, but I do know I should at least try.
I've been gone most of the day, so when I return to the loft, Ryan is more than eager to have me back. We spend the rest of the day being lazy and listening to demos from bands that are trying to get spots at Blur. I know I need to talk about going back home, but I know Ryan isn't going to like that idea very much. I've spent most of the evening putting it off.
Ryan pulls me out of my thoughts when he says, "Something's been bothering me today." When I walk across the room to Ryan, who's sitting on the couch, he holds out his arm and tugs me down onto his lap. "I've never seen you dance."
"Oh...yeah, I guess not. But you will in May when we have our production. You'll see me a lot. I have three ensembles plus my solo."
"It just bothers me that there is a huge part of your life that I've never seen."
"Well, I can grab some videos at the studio of past performances. They have also recorded some of our studios this year. Would that suffice for you, watching me on video?"
Grabbing me behind my waist and neck, he flips me back onto the couch and just before he buries his head in my neck, he says, "Nothing about you will ever suffice for me. I'm always gonna want more."
So I give him more, right there on the couch. Truth is, I feel the same way. I don't think I'll ever get enough of him. Tonight, he's more playful with me and being able to giggle while we make love, I realize that he's finally giving me pieces of myself that have been missing for a long time. I relish in the closeness we have.
Ryan wraps us up in a blanket as we lie in each others' arms on the floor. Stroking his hand lazily up and down my back, we chat about random nonsense and continue with our fun banter from this morning. But I know I need to be honest and talk to him about what's been on my mind all day.
With hesitation, I say, "Ryan, I ran into Kimber today. She was leaving Jase's when I walked into his building."
"Did you guys talk?"
"She just asked where I've been, and I could tell she was hurt. Jase told me she reached out to him and that she's really upset."
"I'm sorry, babe. I know how much this bothers you. Have you thought anymore about talking to her?"
Ryan and I had discussed Kimber the week before. He felt that maybe she wouldn't react the way I initially thought she would since I'm in a better place now. If she could see that I was happy, she might be less likely to be reckless with her reaction. I agree with him, but I also didn't tell him about Seth being Jack's frat brother. I haven't told Ryan anything about Jack because I know how much he hates him and worry about what he might do if he ever found out.
"I just can't. I don't trust her enough to not do something."
"I don't know what to tell you to do. Just try talking to her and see if you guys can move past this rift."
"I think it would help if I went back home."
"Candace..."
"Ryan, I was only supposed to be here for a week or two. I never intended on moving in like this. But, we are about to graduate, and I'd like to see if this is fixable. I can't do that if I'm not there."
"I still want you here."
"And I'll still be here. Just not every night."
He releases a deep breath and says, "Okay. We can go tomorrow and take some of your things back."
Sliding my hand over his cheek, I tell him, "Thanks for understanding," before pressing my lips into his.
The next day, Ryan helped me pack up my things and take them back to my house. He insisted I leave some of my belongings at his place, so I did. It was strange being back home after being away for so long. Kimber was home when we got there, so I introduced her to Ryan, but they really didn't talk.
Ryan wanted to stay here with me that night, but I thought it would be best if he didn't for the first night I was back. If Kimber was uncomfortable, I didn't want to make it worse. He wasn't happy with it, but he understood.
Tonight is the gallery showing at Thinkspace. I wanted to look nice, so I had gone out and bought a dress. Standing in front of my mirror, I smooth down the sheer nude lace of my sleeveless pencil skirt dress. The lace is offset by the black satin underlay and has a bateau neckline. Although the necklace that Ryan gave me doesn't go with the dress, I wear it anyway. I love the quote and that those words make him think of me, something I haven't thought about myself for a while.
When he comes to pick me up, he has an effortless style about him that I find alluring. Ryan often dresses in simple t-shirts and dark jeans. Even though his closet is filled with nice dress clothes, he never wears them. But tonight, he wears dark charcoal slacks, a sports coat, and a white collared dress shirt leaving the first few buttons undone. His clothes are tailored to him perfectly and accentuate his broad shoulders and chest that 'V' down to his narrow hips. Ryan spends a lot of time in the gym, in addition to running, and his frame is near perfection. His dark hair is slightly messy, like he just ran his hands through it, but in a sexy way.
"We need to skip this whole thing tonight," he says as he approaches me and slowly slides his hands from my neck to my shoulders down my arms. He pulls me tight, grazes his nose up my bare neck, and kisses me behind my ear.
Cinching up my shoulders from the ticklish spot he kisses, I laugh. "Ryan, stop."
"I'm serious. Fuck everyone. I just want to stay here with you," he whispers in my ear.
"The deal was, if you got your picture accepted, then I got to go as your date. So, whether you like it or not, I'm dressed and ready to go."
"Okay, but tonight, you're sleeping in my bed. I didn't like not having you next to me last night."
"Ryan."
"I know, I get it. I understand the whole Kimber thing, but I'm taking you home with me tonight."
I slip on my knee-length black wool coat before we walk out into the cold misty night. When we arrive at Thinkspace, a chic and contemporary art gallery in the heart of the city, I look over at Ryan and say, "I'm really proud of you, you know?"
"Babe, the only reason that photo is on display is because you're in it. You're perfect."
I don't even try to convince him of his talent because I know he would simply deny it. So, I let it be as we walk through the open doors. I immediately spot Stacy Keets, the woman that originally told me about this showing.
"Candace."
"Stacy, hi," I say as I give her a hug.
"That dress is amazing."
"Thank you."
"And this is...?" she asks as she glances to Ryan.
"Ryan." I say.
"Ahh, 'Nubile.' Beautiful photograph," she says as she shakes his hand. "I'm Stacy Keets. I work at the Henry Gallery."
"Ryan Campbell."
"Well, your piece is great. I saw a couple eying it a minute ago. Do you have more pieces?"
"A few. It wasn't ever something I intended to show anyone or have displayed, but Candace insisted."
"Yes, I do."
"Give me a call," she tells Ryan. "We have some wall space opening up soon, so if you're interested, we can discuss the possibility of displaying some of your pieces."
"Will do. I'll have Candace give me your number."
Turning to me, she says, "And I owe you a congratulations. I heard about your audition from Sergej."
Sergej has been dating Stacy since I met her over two years ago. He has instructed my partnering studio since I first came to UW. He's originally from Russia, but moved to the States and danced for a company in New York before retiring and relocating here to teach.
"I hope it was all good."
Lowering her voice, she tells me, "He thinks people will be fighting for you to sign with their companies."
"I can only hope."
"No hoping. I'm looking forward to seeing you perform in May."
"Thank you. I'll be sure Ryan calls you," I say.
"Enjoy your night."
"You too, Stacy," Ryan says as he starts walking us to the bar.
Mark and Jase are already drinking and mingling when we walk over. I knew they would have a good time and they'd know several people here with them being architecture majors and art snobs.
"Hey, man," Mark says when he spots Ryan.
We all stand around and visit. After Gavin and his friend Chris arrive, I excuse myself and take a glass of wine from the bartender. Jase and I separate from the group and start to stroll through the gallery, looking at all the pieces. I know Ryan is here merely for my sake, so I don't mind that he spends the evening with his buddies. When we find ourselves in front of Ryan's photograph, which he'd titled 'Nubile,' Jase says in a quiet voice, "You're beautiful." He speaks to the photograph, not me. I stand there for a moment and only respond when he slightly turns his head to wink at me.
"How did you know?" I ask.
"Because of what he titled it." He turns to look back at the photograph and adds, "It could only be you."
I don't know how I would live without Jase. He's my rock. He's always stuck by my side and has been my strength when I had none left. I step closer to his side and hold his hand, and when he looks over at me, I tell him, "I love you, so much."