by E. K. Blair
"Hmm..." is all I hear him say for a while, and then it comes. "I don't like that dude's hands all over you."
"Ryan, his hands have to be on me for all the lifts."
"His hands are on you for more than just lifts, Candace."
A giggle escapes me and he says, "I'm serious, his hands are all over you."
"He's gay!"
"I don't give a shit. I still don't like it."
He is really unbelievable, but I love him all the same, so I simply laugh it off.
When the video ends, he tells me again and again how amazing I am, then proceeds to tell me how incredibly turned on he is, so we get a little playful before opting for a nap in the middle of the day. Having this time to be with him like this is making the thought of graduation that much harder. I love him, and I'm pretty sure I would never move away from him. I push all that aside for the moment and simply relish him.
Ryan and I decided to spend the rest of the week at his mom's. Both of us have enjoyed the down time. I love spending time with Donna. We have made a couple days out of shopping and dining. But it's the best when we stay home for dinner, and I can help her cook and clean up. It feels very comfortable and normal, and I crave that feeling at this point.
Ryan took me surfing again, and another day we took his jeep to Long Beach in Washington. We had fun driving up and down the sand along the water. We spent the day out there, building a small fire pit and wrapping up in blankets. I could have spent hours in his arms, staring out at the ocean.
I can't help but feel like part of his family when I'm with him and Donna. I'm sad to be leaving today, but so happy we got to have this week together. As I'm finishing getting ready in the bathroom, Ryan is packing our bags.
When I slip on my sweatshirt, my jeans tug down enough so that I can see a hint of my heart. I don't like what this tattoo reminds me of, and for some reason, I don't think Ryan likes it either. I've never asked him, but sometimes when we make love he covers it with his hand.
I shift my pants down slightly to look at it in the mirror. I've considered having it removed, but I've never done anything to look into what that would involve.
When Ryan opens the door, I quickly yank my shirt down and turn to face him.
Cocking his head, he questions, "What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
He steps over to me and places his hand over mine, which is still holding onto my top. He only looks in my eyes as he lifts my hand and exposes the heart.
I know he's curious, so I admit, "I don't like it."
He lowers my hand and shirt. "Why?"
"Because it's not me. I was trying to be someone different, and it only led to bad things."
He looks confused and asks, "What do you mean?"
"I got it in a moment of rebellion, I guess. It was stupid, really. I got it and started acting foolishly, which led to...umm..."
Ryan stops me so I don't have to finish. "I get it. But, babe, nothing you did led to that."
I can't look at him because I know if I'd never behaved that way, if I'd never led him on, it wouldn't have happened. When I walk out of the bathroom, he follows and grabs my arm.
"Wait. You know that, right?"
When I look at him, I know he can read it all over my face. And by the look on his face, he hadn't known that I felt the way I do.
"Come here," he says as he sits on the side of the bed and pulls me next to him. "Tell me you don't think that."
The way he says his words almost make me feel stupid. Like somehow I don't understand, but I do.
When I don't speak, he says, "Babe, there is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve that."
My throat begins to tighten when the tears come, and I begin to get upset at myself for showing this weakness. I shift away from Ryan and begin choking back breaths to stop the crying, which is actually making it worse. He pulls me back to him, but I keep my head turned away.
"Shit, babe. I had no idea this is how you felt."
My voice trembles when I say, "Please, don't."
"I need you to talk to me about this. You have it all wrong. What that guy did was fucked up, babe, and you didn't do shit to deserve what he did to you."
I don't even bother trying to stifle the tears, and I'm pissed that I can't hold myself together. I yell at Ryan through my cries, "You don't get it, Ryan! What I did was stupid, and I completely led him on. It wasn't right, and I knew it, but I did it anyway."
"What the fuck could you have possibly done, because I know you, Candace, and I know you couldn't have led him on that much. But that shit doesn't even matter because you could've stripped down in front of him, and you still didn't deserved to be raped."
"Don't say that fucking word, Ryan!" I sob out and then begin crying uncontrollably.
He pulls me into his arms and begins apologizing when I lose control and tell him, "I didn't even really like him, but I was stupid and lonely, so I would let him kiss me, knowing that I didn't like him. And I fucking hate my mother for this, because if it wasn't for her being such a bitch, I never would have gone out with him."
Ryan tries to get me to stop, but I continue. "You just don't get it. I did lead him on, and I pissed him off. I never should've acted like that. I should've just been honest."
"This isn't your fault," he says sternly, and I snap back, "Yes, it is!"
Not releasing his hold on me, he says again, "It isn't your fault, Candace."
Turning into him, I fist his shirt in my hands and cry, "But it is."
He doesn't say anything else. We wind up lying down in bed for a while until I calm down. We lie face to face, and with my eyes closed, I finally speak. "It's been seven months, Ryan."
"I know, babe."
"I just want it to go away."
"I know. But it's never going to get easier if you keep blaming yourself. It kills me that you feel this way. It fuckin' kills me that I can't take this away from you."
I close my eyes for a while, and when I feel myself start to drift, I ask, "Can't we stay another night?"
"Anything you want."
On the drive back to Seattle, Ryan suggests that we talk to Jared to see about changing the tattoo. He thinks that it will help if I don't have to look at the heart every day just to be constantly reminded about everything, give the tattoo a new association.
I hold Ryan's hand the whole drive home, feeling like I need him close. I hate that he saw me so weak when I try to be so strong. I push myself so much with him, and then last night, I fell apart. I know he loves me regardless because he has never wavered, but I want to prove to him that I'm not this sad, pathetic girl, but I'm as fierce as he believes.
When we get back to my house, he carries my bags in for me. Since we didn't come back yesterday like we had planned, Ryan has to go into work tonight. Feeling a little needy, I tell him I don't want him to go.
"Baby, I have to. It's Saturday night, and I've been gone all week."
I fold myself into his arms and stay quiet.
"Come with me," he says, and when I look up at him, I ask hesitantly, "What?"
"You don't even have to be around everyone. Stay with me in my office."
Knowing how he just saw me last night, I know what I need to say.
"Okay."
He's right; I can just be with him and not around all those other people. I went there the other week, and I was fine. I can do this. I need to do this.
"Really?" The stunned look on his face tells me he wasn't expecting the response I just gave him. The look makes me smile, and I'm glad I don't have to be alone tonight.
"Just park in the front, okay?"
"Of course. You'll finally get to hear Mark play."
"Oh. I didn't even think about that. Could you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"They've been kinda embarrassing me lately with...things. Um...could you just text them or something and tell them to not make a big deal about it."
Smiling at me, he holds my face and ki
sses me hard with intent. Keeping his hold on me, I let him control the connection and when it's broken, he says, "I love you so much. You're always surprising me."
As we walk into Blur, Ryan has a firm grip on my hand. When I was here the last time, it was empty, but tonight it's packed. I never expected this many people to be here.
"Where's Max?!" Ryan shouts to someone I can't see. I feel really overwhelmed with the amount of people in here, all of whom tower over me. I wrap my free arm around the arm that is holding my hand, and hold tightly onto him
"Right here, boss," a low voice calls from behind us. Turning around, I come face to face with an extremely large man with a shaved head wearing a black shirt that reads 'BLUR' in white.
Ryan shouts over the noise, "Max, hey, this is Candace."
Max looks down at me, and the warm smile that covers his face doesn't really match his overwhelming appearance. Whereas Ryan is muscular with long, strong, athletic cuts, Max is big, bulky, and very intimidating, but he has a soft smile.
"Nice to finally meet you," he says and shakes my hand.
"Nice to meet you, Max," I have to practically yell.
"You want to help us get upstairs?" Ryan says.
Probably noticing the tension written all over my face, Max says to me, "Not good with crowds?"
I shake my head, and he puts his arm around me, tucking me tightly to him with Ryan still holding my hand on my opposite side as he pushes his way through everyone. Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the closeness of being in Max's hold, I cling myself tighter to Ryan. He looks down at me, and all I know to do is give him a slight shake of my head, and by the look in his eyes, I know he understands what I'm trying to tell him. When we get to the back stairs, Ryan tells Max, "Thanks, man."
"No problem, boss. Let me know when you guys are ready to come down, okay?"
"Yeah."
We walk up the stairs and when we get into his office, he asks, "You okay?"
I nod my head, when he assures me, "Max is a good guy. I've known him for years."
"It's just uncomfortable," I say.
Walking us around his desk, he pulls me down on his lap when he sits in the chair.
"Is it always this busy?" I ask.
"On Fridays and Saturdays, yeah." When his cell buzzes, he pulls it out of his pocket and says, "Mark and Jase just got here." Setting it down on his desk, he tells me, "I love that you're here," and then kisses my shoulder.
When there is a knock on the door, Ryan says, "Come in."
"Hey, guys," Jase says as he walks in. When he demands a hug, I get up off of Ryan's lap and walk over to him.
He folds his arms around me and leans in close to my ear, whispering, "I'm proud of you."
I sigh and squeeze my arms a bit tighter around him. Pulling back, I ask, "Where's Mark?"
"Downstairs. He said he'd find you before the band goes on."
"Oh, okay."
"Are you coming down to watch?"
"I...well, Ryan has some work to do, so I was just going to stay up here."
Jase tilts his head and shakes it.
"What?"
"Candace, at least go down for a couple songs."
"Did you see how many people are down there?"
"Yeah, sweetie. The same amount that are always here, and nothing has ever happened."
Looking over at Ryan, he shrugs his shoulders in agreement, and says, "I'll have Max stay with you."
I flop down on one of the chairs in front of Ryan's desk and think for a moment before saying, "I don't want everyone touching me."
"If Max is with us, trust me, you'll have breathing room."
"He's right," Ryan assures.
I take a moment before saying, "All right."
Ryan smiles at me as he picks up the phone and pushes some buttons before saying, "Hey, Mel, send Max up to my office."
I turn around when the door opens and Mark bounds in excitedly. "Hell, I thought it was a lie. I can't believe you're here."
"Tone that shit down," Ryan says to him as I stand up and give Mark a hug.
"I just wanted to see you before I go on. You coming down?"
"Yeah."
"Awesome. Well, I gotta go. Love that you came." He leans down, kisses my forehead, and then heads out at the same time as Max walks in.
"Hey, Max, Candace is going down with Jase. I don't want you to leave her side, got it?"
"What about the door?"
"I'll get Chase to take care of it." Ryan gets up from his seat and walks over to me. "You want me to come down with you?"
"No, it's fine. I haven't talked to Jase all week, so..."
"Are you okay with Max?"
"Yeah. It'll be fine." Even though it makes me uncomfortable, I know Ryan is protective over me and wouldn't leave me with anyone that's less than completely trustworthy.
"Okay. Let me take care of a few things, and I'll come down in a bit."
Nodding my head at him, he leans down to kiss me. When we walk out into the hall, Ryan calls for Max to come back to his office.
"Stay here, I'll be right back," he tells me and then walks into Ryan's office and shuts the door. It's only a short minute when he walks back out and leads me back downstairs into the throngs of people. Holding me safely under his arm, he moves us across the busy room, and I see him nod his head at some people who are sitting at a table. They quickly grab their drinks and free up the seats for us.
"Shit, Max, why have you never helped me out like that before?" Jase jokes.
"Because you're not the boss' girlfriend," he responds with a condescending kiss in the air.
I laugh at Max as he sits down next to me, and Jase leaves to go to the bar and grab some drinks.
"So how long have you worked here?" I ask.
"About three years. Ryan and I go to the same gym, so we were friends before he hired me."
"Here we go," Jase says when he returns with a bucket of beers. Popping the top for me, he hands me a bottle.
Max sits silently beside me as Jase and I start talking about this past week. I tell him everything that we did, and we talk a little about Donna when Mark's band takes the stage. When they start playing, I am impressed with their sound. It reminds me a lot of the Silversun Pickups.
"They're really good," I yell over at Jase.
"Yeah, I know. I knew you'd like them," he yells back.
We continue to sit there and drink our beers while listening to the band. I can't believe it took me so long to come here. I feel happy and relaxed being here with Jase and finally getting to hear one of my closest friends play. The room is chaotic and noisy and I have no concept of time, but when I feel Ryan's arms wrap around my waist from behind, I know I've been down here for a while.
He nuzzles my neck and gives me a nip before saying, "You having fun?"
"Yeah. I had no idea how good they were."
"They've really been bringing in the crowds since they started playing here. Been trying to figure shit out because they aren't sure if they are still going to play after this summer. A couple of the guys are graduating with Mark, so we'll see."
A girl in a tight black tank top with the word 'BLUR' written across her chest, like Max's, approaches the table with a beverage tray in her hands. She sets the tray on the table, and while she is placing our empty bottles on it, she says, "So this is the girl that finally took you off the market," while looking at me. She doesn't give my stomach a chance to knot up when she gives me a warm smile. "I'm Mel." She reaches over to shake my hand and continues, "It's great to finally put a face to the name. Ryan never shuts up about you."
She laughs as she rushes away, not giving Ryan a chance to say anything.
He leans down to my ear and tells me, "She's worked here for years, you'll like her."
When I give him a side stare, he says, "Don't worry, she's married."
I shake my head and turn my attention back to the stage as I lean back in Ryan's arms.
It feels good to finally be here in
Ryan's world. It's always felt weird to me to not be involved in such a big part of his life. I guess it must be the same way he felt about never seeing me dance. Finally being able to link these two missing pieces, I feel more connected to who he is.
For the past several weeks, Ryan has been good with me only staying with him a few nights a week, and although he complains, I know he understands. Kimber and I still don't really talk that much, but she has asked about Ryan and I have opened up to her a little about him. She is still dating Seth, even though she says it's not too serious. She told me he was accepted into graduate school at UCLA, so there is no reason for her to get too attached. She's convincing when she says that they are both just having fun together at this point.
I talked to Roxy the other day about changing my tattoo. She wanted to know why I wasn't happy with it, so I just told her that I wanted it to be more of a reflection of who I am now. She didn't really understand, and of course, I didn't expect her to. But I came to the decision to simply have the heart shaded in. I didn't want to add to it to make it any larger than what it already is. I like that it's tiny. I didn't realize until I fell in love with Ryan how full my heart could actually be, so having the empty heart on my hip filled in only makes sense. Ryan loved that idea and went with me yesterday to get it done.
I was a nervous wreck, the same as I was when I first got it. Jared was quick, and it didn't hurt too bad. Ryan held my hand through the short process, and now I have a solid black heart instead of the empty outline. Even though it's the same, it feels very different to me. I love Ryan for helping me transform something that was filled with such bad memories into something that now makes me happy when I look at it. I think of him when I see it, and I love that he was able to give that to me.
While I was going through my drawers and getting rid of old clothes, I ran across Detective Patterson's card again. I held it in my hands and thought about how I first met Jack and how quickly it spun out of control. I'm not even sure if too much time has passed to call. Not that I would call. I don't really know what to do about it all. I have always just assumed I would leave it be and move on.