by E. K. Blair
“I’m sorry.”
“She’s so upset, and it’s all my fault.” I shift to the side and lie back on the bed, draping my arm across my forehead.
Lying down next to me, Mark props himself on his side and says, “You’re not the cause of her pain.”
When I don’t say anything, he grabs my arm and moves it away from my face. “Look at me,” he says and then repeats, “You aren’t the cause of her pain.”
“I am,” I say when I look up at him. “She wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t for me. Because of me, there’s this rip in my family.”
“You’re not responsible for that though. They are. They’re the ones that pushed you out.”
“Because of me.”
As he rakes his hand through my hair, he says, “Because of them, Jase. It isn’t you. You’re not doing anything wrong.”
“What if I am? I mean . . . maybe that’s why I can’t get past this shit.”
“What shit?”
I shift over so that I can lie on my side and face him. “For the most part, I’m fine. With you, I’m fine, but I can’t help the times when it feels wrong to be myself.”
“There is nothing about you, that I can see, that’s wrong,” he says softly.
“But that’s you. She thinks I’m a sin. That I’m going to hell.” I pause before asking, “Am I?”
He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine. “I don’t believe that.” When he pulls back, I look into his eyes when he tells me, “It doesn’t make sense to me if that were true; why God would do this and then force us to deny it. That’s fucked up. You know this isn’t a choice. So how can it be a sin if God created us this way?”
His words hit where they always do, straight through my heart. I’ve always had these thoughts, but have never said them to anyone. Getting this out, and having Mark be the one to do this with, makes me trust him. How can this be wrong? To love someone. How can love be a sin? Whether it’s right or wrong, all I know is, Mark is the one person I need.
“Don’t walk away from me if I push you. I know how I get sometimes, but I’m trying to get past it,” I confess.
Running his hand down my cheek he says, “I’m not walking away, and I’m not gonna let you screw this up.”
I know what I feel for Mark. So I don’t even give it a second thought when I finally tell him what I’ve already been feeling.
“I’m falling in love with you.”
That sexy smile I love so much creeps across his face and then he tells me, “Good, ‘cause I’ve been in love with you for a while. I just didn’t want to say anything until you were ready.”
I don’t deserve to have this man who puts my feelings above his own, but I won’t deny him. Wanting to put an end to this war I’ve been battling inside of myself, I surrender my heart and trade it for his.
I press my lips against his and move slowly as I graze my teeth along his bottom lip. Mark pulls me flush against him, and I wrap my arms around him, feeling the muscles flex in his back as he moves against me. I want him so bad, and I have to force myself not to rip his shorts off and bury myself inside him.
I reach my arm back and tug my shirt off over my head. Rolling on top of him, I run my mouth down his neck, nipping along the way to his chest. His skin is hot on my lips, and when I hit the waistband of his shorts, I shift them down and peel them off. But before I can do anything, Mark has me flipped on my back.
He crushes his mouth with mine and possesses me with his tongue. My emotions are running on high, and I’ve never wanted anyone like I want him. All of him. Grinding himself against me, I grow harder for him. He tugs my shorts off and fists me in his hand, stroking me slowly. Closing my eyes, I roll my head back into the pillow and feel the intense pleasure when Mark takes me in his hot mouth.
“Jesus,” I nearly growl out when he brushes his tongue over me.
Mark slows his movements and switches our pace. He begins to trail kisses up my abs and then straddles my hips, settling himself on top of me. I cup my hands on his face and bring him down to me. His head rests against mine, and I feel the need to assure him of my feelings. “I really do love you.”
“I know you do,” he whispers.
“You’re the only one.” And he is.
Nodding his head, he kisses me but doesn’t move his lips. We’re just still for a while. It’s only when I reach over to the nightstand and open the drawer that he finally drags his lips from mine. When Mark makes sure we’re ready and protected, he reaches behind and guides me inside of him.
With his legs spread across my lap, he takes his time taking me in before he starts to move, and when he does, it feels so fuckin’ good. I’ve never had emotions tied to sex, and the closeness I feel with Mark right now is more than what I thought could be possible.
Running my hands up his thighs, he rolls his hips over me. I slide one of my hands behind his neck and bring him down to me, needing to be closer to him. He kisses me, and I can’t control myself when I groan into his mouth. We continue to take our time with our kisses as I begin to stroke him. He wraps his hand around my hand, and we work together as we both start to increase our movements.
When Mark whispers in my ear, “God, I love you,” I find it hard to control myself, and I thrust myself deep inside of him. His hand tightens around mine, and I quicken my pace slightly as I pump the length of him. Everything about this feels so good, and I’m on the verge of losing it.
Dropping his forehead to mine, Mark grinds himself down on me as I feel the heat of him when he starts to come in my hand. His body jerks, and seeing him like this, on top of me, throws me over. I bury myself deep inside of him as my body explodes beneath his. I grip his hips and dig my fingers into his skin as I thrust up into him a couple more times.
He looks down at me, grinning, with a sheen of sweat covering his neck. “Come here,” I breathe. And when he leans back down to me, I kiss him, licking him deep and taking all that he’s willing to give. He shifts off of me and reaches over to grab my shirt. After he cleans us up, he tosses the shirt to the floor, and I draw him in close to me.
Lying face to face, he says, “Thanks.”
I run my fingers along his face and softly ask, “For what?”
“Giving me something new.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“That’s not normally my thing, but I know it isn’t yours either,” he admits, and suddenly I feel like a dick.
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
“No, I mean, I’ve bottomed before, but it’s never been like that.” He kisses me before continuing. “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do you, so I don’t mind.”
“You should’ve said something.”
“I love you, so it doesn’t matter. I just wanted you to know.”
We shift and get comfortable in each other’s arms. We don’t talk. We don’t need to. He knows where my heart is at as we simply lie together in the aftermath of making love and wrap ourselves up in each other.
The past couple weeks have been busy with school. My professors didn’t like my initial design, so I have been busting my ass trying to come up with a new concept. I’ve fallen even further behind, and Mark has been helping me with the tedious renderings and mark-ups to help me catch up.
My mom called again last week in another attempt to get me to come back home. Hearing the pain in her voice is hard on me. I hate it. I love her so much, but her unwillingness to accept me tears me apart. Mark is right though; I’m not the cause of her sadness.
A text from Mark brings me out of my thoughts.
On my way. Got hung up with practice.
It’s cool. I’ll go ahead and get your drink.
I grab Mark a coffee and wait for him to meet me. He’s been having more band rehearsals, because they’ve been busy writing some new material since they play every week at Ryan’s bar.
When he finally walks into the coffee shop, he looks pissed. He spots me and makes his way back to where I am.
Sitting down, he grabs his coffee and takes a sip.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
Setting his cup down, he lets out a deep breath. “Aiden is just pissing me off. He keeps fuckin’ around with my music and changing it up. I don’t have time to be learning all these new songs to have him go right back and change them.”
“What does everyone else say?”
“Everyone is pissed at this point, so today was nothing but a bitch session, wasting my time.” Leaning back in his chair, he continues, “He wants to play some of the new stuff tomorrow night, but it isn’t ready.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah, I know. Anyway, enough of my bitching. Did you show Gibson your new design?”
“Uh huh. He really liked it, so hopefully I won’t have to go back and change anything, and I can start to catch up,” I say. I have been so stressed out lately with this project.
“That’s good. Well, I’m about to submit my stuff for presentation, so when I do, I’ll have some more free time if you need any help.”
His eyes shift over my shoulder as I say, “Thanks.”
When Mark gives a slight nod, I turn to see who he’s looking at. Shit! When I see Preston walking over, I turn to stone as panic courses through me. How the hell does Mark know him?
“Hey, what’s going on?” he says as Mark stands to give him a friendly clap on the shoulder before sitting back down.
“Not much. Was actually just with Aiden.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat and then Mark looks at me, saying, “Jase, this is Preston. He’s a friend of Aiden’s.”
“I already know Jase,” Preston butts in with a snide smirk on his face, and I quickly stammer and tell Mark, “Yeah, we’ve run into each other a few times.”
Suddenly, what I felt was nothing more than an irrelevant hookup, just like all the others, seems more like a lie of omission from Mark, and I’m caught in the confines of remorse and anxiety. Distraction saves me when I hear my phone ring. When I take it out of my pocket, I look to Mark and say, “It’s Candace.”
As soon as I answer it, I can hear her crying. And the bullshit happening in front of me vanishes in an instant.
“Sweetie, are you okay?”
She can hardly get her words out through her breaths. “No. I need you. Please.”
“What happened?” I ask and immediately stand up, shrugging on my jacket, needing to get to her. Mark stands up and starts following me out the door as I walk away from one of the many regrets of my past.
“I can’t breathe.” Her voice is strained as she speaks through heavy gasps.
“I’m on my way, just try to relax,” I tell her.
She hangs up the phone, and I rush to my car.
“What’s going on?” Mark asks.
“I have no clue, but she’s crying and freaking out. I gotta go. Sorry. I’ll call you, okay?” I say as I hop into my car.
“Yeah, go. Let me know what’s going on.”
I don’t even respond when I peel out of my parking spot and start speeding to her house. Everything from that exchange back there seems so trivial compared to what Candace is going through, and right now, she needs me. My heart beats hard as I try to get to her. Running through stop signs and honking at the slow-ass people driving on the road, I finally rip into her driveway. Fiddling with my keys, I find the one for her door. When I walk in, I can hear her faint cries. Going into her room, I open her closet door and see her lying on the floor covered in vomit.
“Shit. What happened?” I say as I rush to her and scoop her up in my arms.
She clings to me as I carry her into her bathroom and start stripping off her soiled clothes. She’s vacant as she sits on the edge of the tub, crying and shaking, and my heart breaks for her. Never have I seen a person so broken, but to have Candace be this person debilitates me in a way I wish I’d never have to feel.
I toss her shorts and shirt into the tub and kneel down between her legs. Holding onto her knees, I whisper, “What happened, sweetie?”
She just shakes her head and covers her face with her hands as she cries. I wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I hold her for what feels like a long time until she softens in my arms. When I look at her, she’s exhausted. I don’t say anything. I know she hates talking when she’s this upset. I walk over to the shower and turn the water on. I return to her and pull her up.
“You need me to help you clean up?” I ask.
She shakes her head and takes off her underwear before stepping into the water. I give her space and leave her alone while I go to the laundry room and grab some towels to clean her closet floor. I don’t know what the hell happened, but I’m pretty sure she had another one of her nightmares. This is the stuff that makes me feel so guilty for not being around more.
After cleaning everything up, I go back into her bathroom to grab her clothes, and I see her arms braced on the tile wall as she stands under the showerhead. Her head is hanging down, and I just want to grab her and take it all away, but I can’t. I can’t do anything to make this stop hurting her. I walk back to the laundry room and toss everything in the washer and start it.
When I return to her room, the water is still running, so I call Mark.
“Hey, babe. How is she?” he asks.
“Not good. I hate this,” I say, defeated. Like somehow I’ve let her down.
“What happened?”
Letting out a sigh, I tell him, “When I got here she was in her closet crying. She had thrown up and was lying in it.”
“Oh my God.” He’s worried; I can hear it in his voice.
“She hasn’t said anything yet. She’s in the shower now, but I know she had another nightmare. She doesn’t take her sleeping pill when she takes naps in the middle of the day.”
“You need me to come over there?” he asks, and I love that he does.
“No, it’s fine. I’m gonna stay here for a while though.” There is no way I can leave her like this. I don’t want to.
“Maybe you should talk to her about seeing a therapist or something.”
“Yeah, I’ll try, but I know she’ll just shut me down,” I say and then hear the shower turn off.
“God, I feel so bad for her,” he says in a soft breath, and I am right there with him, feeling the pain.
“I know. She’s getting out of the shower, so I need to let you go.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’ll call you later.”
I go ahead and grab Candace some clothes from her dresser and take them to her in the bathroom. She gets dressed and throws her hair up on top of her head. I take her hand and pull her into bed with me and hold onto her. She clings to me and buries her head in my chest.
Whispering, I ask, “Another nightmare?”
“Yeah,” she breathes out.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
Pulling her hairband out, I start combing my fingers through the wet strands.
“I really think you should talk to someone about this.”
“Jase. Please don’t.”
“I know you don’t want to, but it’s been a couple of months and I feel like you’re just sinking further away. I’m worried.”
“It’s fine. I just need a little more time to pass,” she says, and I kiss the top of her head.
Time. She believes time is all she needs and everything will just fade away. She’s living in denial, and I don’t know how to get through to her. I have tried so many times in my own way, but she avoids the conversations every time. I just need her to be okay, and she is so far from it. She’s just deteriorating into a shadow of what she used to be. My heart has never ached as much as it does for her.
“You don’t have to stay here,” she mumbles against my chest, and she’s crazy if she thinks I’m leaving her here alone after what I just saw.
“I’m not leaving you.”
It takes a while, but eventually she falls into a fit of restless sleep. I check
the time on my phone and see that it’s nearing seven o’clock. I hate to wake her, but I do anyway.
“Candace,” I whisper, not wanting to startle her out of her sleep. “Candace, wake up.”
“Mmm,” she moans in response.
“It’s almost seven. Why don’t you go ahead and take your pill for the night since you’re so tired.”
She nudges her head against me before lifting it up to look at me.
“Where are they?” I ask.
“In the bathroom in the second drawer.”
I slide out from underneath her and grab a pill from the bottle. When I walk back to her, I hand her the half bottle of water already on her nightstand along with the pill.
She sits up on the edge of the bed and when she sets the water down, she looks up at me and says, “I’m sorry.”
I sit next to her and hold her hand. “Never be sorry for needing me.” I lean in and give her a kiss. “I will always be here for you.”
I stayed with Candace all night last night. We barely got any sleep ‘cause she kept having night terrors. Although I’m tired, I’m going to go hang out at Blur while Mark’s band plays tonight. He already left to go meet the guys to run through some new songs they’ll be playing tonight, so I text Ryan to let him know I’m on my way there.
Ryan and I have been hanging out a bit more lately. He’s a cool guy to chill with, so he stops by every now and then to have a beer and watch TV. And whatever funk he was in when I first met him seems to have dissipated a bit and he has become a little less intense and moody.
I pull around to the back lot of Blur and park my car. When I go in, I head up to Ryan’s office to hang out for a bit.
When I walk in, he is sitting behind his desk drinking a beer and flipping through a pile of papers.
“Hey, man,” I say before walking over to the small steel fridge that sits on the floor behind his desk.
As I grab a beer, he says, “Can you toss me another one of those?”
I pop the caps and hand him a bottle before I sit down. “So, you been up here all day?”