by JA Low
“You’re family, Stace, it’s what we do.” I nod in agreement.
“Shacey.” Lockie realizes I am here too. He reaches out for me and I take him from Hunter’s arms. My heart is breaking knowing how confused he must be. He has no idea that his family isn’t coming home. He doesn’t understand why everyone is crying. I bury my face into his little neck which makes him giggle. I turn my crying into raspberries, hoping it will distract him from what’s going on.
“Hey, little man. You have grown so big.” My voice hitches as the moment hits me. He’s going to grow up and my sister is never going to see it. Tears begin to stream down my face again.
“No sad. Happy,” he tells me and I try to put on a smile. He reaches out for Hunter again. I turn around and see the girls are wrapped in Oscar’s arms, Derrick and Sienna looking a right mess, trying to conceal their red tear stained faces.
“Come inside, I’ve popped the kettle on.” Hilda opens the screen door for us. “You’re probably exhausted after the long journey.”
“It wasn’t too bad. The joys of a private jet.” I wince, realizing what the hell I just said.
“Ah, yes. That does make traveling very comfortable. Your mum couldn’t stop talking about her trip on it over Christmas. She showed me the photos.” I swallow down a sob. “You’re probably hungry. Let me make you all a sandwich or something.” I’m suspecting Hilda needs something to do, so I follow her to the kitchen. My mother’s perfume is still in the air. The scent takes me back to memories of her waking me up to get ready for school. The nostalgia is like an arrow to the heart. We pass my parents’ bedroom and I stop. The door is closed, but I just can’t help myself. It just doesn’t seem real. I’m hoping that she is sitting on her bed reading one of her racy romance books, her glasses sitting on the tip of her nose, her cheeks slightly flushed caught up in some drama over a sheik or a billionaire. Quickly, I open it but the vision evaporates and all I see is their empty room. Every morning my mother made her bed no matter what. I run my hands over the quilt. A quilt my grandmother made for her when she got married. There’s an upturned book on the bedside table, a half glass of water with a bright pink lipstick stain on it. I see the photo of our family at Christmas time in Big Bear taking pride of place on her bedside table. I notice my father’s side next. A magazine about farm machinery sits haphazardly on the table. I collapse onto the bed, breathing in their scent, committing it to memory. The bed sinks beside me, a large hand rests on my side.
“Let it out.” Oscar’s deep voice wraps around me like a beautiful security blanket. Sitting up, I wrap myself around him purging as many tears as I can, because this family is going to need me to be strong for them in the next coming days. I can’t keep breaking down.
“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair,” I scream into his chest.
“It’s not.” He rubs his hands across my back. Oscar holds me, rocking me, mumbling sweet words until I can’t cry anymore. “Let it all out now, baby. Because there are some kids out there that will need their Aunt. And once they are in bed for the night, you can come back here and cry yourself to sleep. I will hold you all night.” He wipes the tears away and kisses each of my cheeks. “I promise you, Stacey, I’ve got you.” I let out a heavy sigh. I can do this. I can be strong for those kids. I need to be strong for them because they don’t have any other adults in their lives now.
I step out of my parents’ room and back into the living room.
“Here you go, love. I’ve made a fresh cuppa and a corned beef sandwich.” Hilda places down the plate in front of me. Emma and Rebecca come up and wrap their arms around me as I sit down on the bar stool.
“We love you, Stacey,” Becca tells me. My heart breaks open in my chest.
“Girls, would you be able to show us around? It’s been years since we have been here,” Sienna asks, grabbing the attention of the girls. They go with her and Derrick, happy to show them both around. I take a sip of my tea and a small bite of my corned beef sandwich.
“The whole community is here for you, sweetheart. Whatever you need, we will help,” Hilda tells me.
“Thank you.” I take another shaky sip of my tea.
“If you like I can talk to Fred down at the funeral home and get started on things while you settle yourself.” Shit. The funeral. “You don’t have to make any plans at all today. Just wanted to let you know that while you grieve I can help with that side of things.” Hilda and my mother have been best friends for forty years, so I know she would know what my parents would want for their funeral.
“It’s not fair, Hilda. This whole thing isn’t fair.” The tears come again, but I bite them back.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.” She places a steady hand over mine. “Spending Christmas with you all last year made your mum so happy.” Her hand pats me. “She was so proud of you. She told the whole town that her daughter was marrying a rock star.” Oscar squeezes my shoulder hearing that bit of news. “And I know Simon and Naomi had a fantastic holiday in Hawaii. You’re mum showed me all the photos and videos of their time there that they had sent to her.” This makes me smile, mum loved showing off photos. “Stacey, giving them that time together, just the two of them, was an amazing gift.” She squeezes my hand.
“I feel so guilty. If they hadn’t gone on holiday they wouldn’t be dead.”
“Sweetheart, no, you can’t think like that. This was a terrible accident. You had no idea the holiday would end like this.”
“The what ifs are still playing in my head.”
“Stacey. Don’t. You can’t play those what if games. It’s not healthy,” Hilda tells me. “They left us at a time when they were at their happiest. Life’s been tough for us out here with the drought. Many people have lost their livelihoods. Your sister was so looking forward to this trip, even Simon, the man that never speaks. They couldn’t wait to travel again. They didn’t stop talking about their time in the snow and going to Disneyland. Lockie thinks that’s where you live with Mickey Mouse.” This makes me smile. “We had no idea that their time was going to be cut short. Just know they died being happy and that’s all any one can hope for.” Tears well in Hilda’s eyes.
“What about the truck driver?” Anger fills my veins thinking about the person that took my family away.
“He died in the crash too.” I would never wish this heartache on another family but if he had survived I would have made sure he would spend the rest of his life in jail. “You’re the next of kin. The police will want to speak to you at some point. As will the funeral home. I know there is a lot of think about but you need to have a plan for after the funeral. I know you live in LA, but I would be more than happy to look after the kids.” My first response is to pull my hand away from Hilda’s. How dare she think I would leave my family?
“What?” My voice rises. What kind of person does she think I am?
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” Hilda back peddles. “I just wanted you to know that I was here if you needed anything or anything more.”
“That’s very kind of you, Hilda,” Oscar pipes in. He can see the steam falling from my ears. “I think everything is still so raw at the moment. We might just get through the next couple of days first before we worry about what is going to happen in the future.”
“Of course, of course,” Hilda agrees. “Well, I’ll leave you be. You’ve come such a long way.”
“Thank you, Hilda. Thank you for being here for them.”
“Anytime.” She gives me a sad smile then walks out the front door.
“Thank you for jumping in about that.” Oscar wraps his arms around me.
“I mean it. Now is not the time to worry about the future. There are so many things we need to get through first before we worry about those kinds of questions.” My arms tighten around him. I am so thankful that he’s in my life.
30
Oscar
What the hell is that sound? Is it even morning? My eyes slowly open and orange streaks of light filter thro
ugh the blinds.
“Damn chickens,” Stacey mumbles beside me but falls back asleep again. All I can say is thank goodness the house has air conditioning because this place is like a fucking oven. Yesterday was a big day, not only from traveling half way across the world, but also everyone’s emotions were highly strung. Poor Lockie, he could feel the tension through the house and was playing up. Thankfully, Sienna was on hand to deal with toddler meltdowns. I was so out of my comfort zone. Give me a stadium of a hundred thousand people, no problems at all, but a screaming three-year-old and I am beyond panicked. The kids all wanted to share a room last night which was understandable, they all pulled mattresses into Hunter’s old room. Sienna and Derrick stayed at Stacey’s parents’ house while we stayed with the kids in Naomi and Simon’s house. It’s just a short walk between the two properties. Once the kids were in bed, I made Stacey a bubble bath and massaged all of her muscles until she fell asleep. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep as she was so exhausted
It’s a big day today. We have a meeting with the funeral home to finalize things, the lawyer to read the will and the police to pick up some belongings. I ease myself out of the squeaky guest bed, grab my phone and walk outside. As soon as I step out of the front door a wall of heat hits me. I look down at my phone and it’s only 5:23am and it already feels like it is one hundred degrees. I press my mom’s name and wait for the call to connect.
“Oscar, it’s so good to hear from you,” Mom answers the phone. “How’s Stacey?”
“She’s holding up, just. It’s horrible, mom, these kids losing their family. And the little one, Lockie, he has no idea what’s going on.” My voice strains thinking about that little boy.
“It’s such a horrible situation. You just need to be there for her. Be her rock when she needs it.”
“I will, don’t you worry. Today’s going to be hard, we have to talk to the funeral home then go to the lawyer as he has the wills and then to the police station to pick up some belongings that were in the car.”
“Oh honey. I wish I was there to help you both. Do you need me to be there? I can be on the next plane.” I know she would be if I asked her too.
“Thanks, Mom, but I don’t want to overwhelm Stacey’s family.”
“Of course. Just know I’m here for you both, okay?” I kind of want to give my mom a big hug in this moment. When we get back to LA, I’m going to make more time with my family.
“I have a question though.”
“Go ahead, honey.”
“Do you think Stacey is going to want to stay?” There is silence on the end of the phone. I pull the phone from my ear but it’s still connected. “Mom?”
“Honey…” She says slowly. “I think there is a real chance she’s going to want to stay. She’s probably their legal guardian. I mean, I can’t see that she would leave them with Hunter, he’s only just turned eighteen. The kids are all still so small. After everything that they have been through, I don’t know if moving them half way across the world after such a horrible tragedy is on the cards.” My stomach sinks. It’s a thought that has been swirling around me for the past twenty-four hours. “The question is, would you stay?” I look around at the red dust bowl.
“I can’t see myself living on the farm. I mean we are literally in the middle of nowhere.”
“But you love Stacey?”
“I do.”
“You could always buy something else or maybe even buy something in the city if you feel isolation is too much. Don’t forget you can work from home.”
“That’s true. I know Evan wants to open up a label down here as they want to spend more time in Australia than LA. But I don’t think I can be a farmer, Mom.”
“You don’t have to be one, sweetheart. You could just live there and work from home. Keep the kids stable.” Maybe my mother is right.
“I know, Mom, but…I love my life in LA.” I let myself have a vulnerable moment. I know LA has its faults but it’s been my home for the past ten years. My family is there, but Stacey wouldn’t be. My heart aches over the situation.
“I know you do, sweetheart, but you can’t ask Stacey to abandon her family either.” I would never do that, but I get what she is saying. “We would visit. We love Australia,” she says cheerily. “Look, don’t worry about things just yet. Help her through the funeral and then worry about the future after the funeral is over.” She’s right. “Sweetheart, we love you and we will be here for you no matter what.” I look out across the golden horizon as the sun rises high in the sky.
“I love you too. Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime, sweetheart. Love you.” And with that we hang up. I take a deep breath and survey the land. Could I be happy here? I would have no choice, because Stacey would be here and I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be happy without her in my life.
I knew the day would be hard, especially for the kids. Little Lockie stayed behind with Sienna and Derrick but the other kids wanted to come. Hilda and her husband, Don, met us at the funeral home. I told Stacey not to worry about the cost of the funeral, that I would cover it. She fought me on it long and hard until Hunter interrupted and accepted on the family’s behalf. I still think she’s angry with me over it. But I know she’s just fighting with me because she’s sick of crying.
Next was the lawyer’s office for the reading of the will there was nothing surprising, her parents left everything to the girls, which in turn left everything to Stacey, who was nominated as guardian to the children. Hunter chose that moment to declare that he would be staying back in Australia. He would take over the farm like he always was supposed to. He told Stacey that her life was in LA, not Mudgee anymore. You could see this comment stung her to the core. She decided not to argue the fact in front of everyone.
The last bit of our day was collecting some of her family’s personal belongings that were left at the scene; wallets and mobile phones. Stacey handed them straight to the kids, who held them close to their chests. The journey home was a quiet affair.
All the kids have gone to bed and we are sitting out on the front deck with Sienna and Derrick, having some beers. The sounds of the bush come alive. These insects called cicadas start up and when they do they almost deafen you with their song. I can’t believe how dark it is out here and how many stars you can see. I was excited to see kangaroos bouncing around the paddocks. The landscape is beautiful, if not a little barren at the moment due to the decade long drought the state has been suffering.
“I think the kids are pleased to get some items back.” Derrick breaks the silence.
“It’s not much but it’s something.” Stacey plays with the label on her beer.
“Lockie has been really well behaved,” Sienna informs Stacey, who just nods. They both give me a concern look.
“I’m going to have to talk to Dad’s mortgage broker in the morning. Find out how much is owing on the farm and the homes,” Stacey states, more to herself than to anyone else. “And Hunter thinks he’s going to be able to pay for it all; the mortgage, the kids schooling, the bills; all on some farmer’s wage.” I knew Hunter’s comments hurt her.
“He probably thinks it’s the right thing to do,” I add.
“And you think that I wouldn’t do the right thing?” Stacey’s anger radiates at me.
“Of course you would do the right thing.” Her green eyes narrow at me as she manically pulls the label off her beer.
“But you just won’t be a part of it.” Huh. What the? Sienna and Derrick look at me confused.
“Excuse me, what did you say?” Maybe I heard her wrong.
“I bet you can’t wait to get on the first flight back to LA, back to civilization, back to your cozy life, back to your precious fucking club.” Stacey abruptly stands up, her chair screeching loudly across the deck as she starts heading into the darkness.
“Stacey,” I call after her.
“I heard you on the phone to your mum this morning.” My stomach sinks. Fuck. That would have hu
rt hearing that.
“It’s not what you think.”
“What, that you could never see yourself in a shitbox like this?” she screams at me.
“I never said that.”
“It’s what you meant,” she screams at me again. “Just leave me alone,” she calls from the darkness. Is she seriously walking back to her parents’ house? The area is pitch-back. There are snakes and shit out there.
“Stacey. Come back. It’s dark out there. You’ll get lost.” Calling out to her, I think she flips me off. Sienna and Derrick follow me into the darkness. A little shiny spec in the distance illuminates.
“Got my phone. I’ll be right.”
“Wait for me then.” I pull out my own mobile phone from my pocket and turn on the flash light.
“Don’t bother. I would rather be alone,” she yells back at me. I pause in my tracks as if she just stabbed me in the heart. Derrick’s hand rests on my shoulder.
“She’s been through a lot these past couple of days, she doesn’t mean it. She might just need to be alone.” My head hangs with hurt, maybe he’s right.
“She’s had a really hard day today and from what the girls told me about what happened in the lawyer’s office with the will…seems like she’s really hurt. Give her time. I’m sure she’s got a lot going on in her head and she’s just lashing out at the ones she loves.” Maybe Sienna’s right.
Stacey didn’t come home that night.
“Morning.” I surprise Amelia, who’s rubbing her eyes. Seriously, how does anyone sleep with all this light? She takes a seat on the bar stool in front of me.
“Stacey didn’t come home.” I look at her surprised. How did she know about that? “I heard you two fighting.” My shoulders sink.
“I’m sorry. We didn’t mean for you to hear that.”
“What Hunter said at the lawyer’s, it wasn’t right.”
“I know. But he’s just trying to help.” Amelia nods.