by Calia Read
I wanted Katja to stay and I knew I couldn’t ask that of her. Even if I did, she would expect things that I couldn’t give her. Barriers would have to be brought down.
It scared the shit out of me.
Do you love her? My mind whispered.
I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. This was a question I’d never had to ask myself; I’d never let anyone get this close to me. I cared about Katja … a lot. I needed her. I wanted to be around her, and when I wasn’t, I thought about her non-stop. She was the only person that brought out a different side of me. She smiled; I smiled. Her happiness became my own.
I didn’t fucking know what I was feeling. But what I did know was that she’d want love. She deserved love.
You can’t give her that, my mind whispered.
The closer we got to Sunday, the more fearful I became; I didn’t know what the future held.
I grabbed the glass in front of me and hurled it at the wall. It shattered into a million pieces.
It was shattered. Ruined.
Just like me.
K A T J A
Tonight was my last performance and Mathias wasn’t in the crowd.
As I walked on and off the stage I scanned the auditorium to see if I’d missed him. He wasn’t there. I even stalled in my dressing room for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for him to show up. I finally gave up. Opa, Lukas, and Nadia asked if I wanted to go have dinner and celebrate. I said no and ended up going back to the hotel with Opa and Lukas.
I was quiet the entire time. I told myself that it was no big deal. I could see him tonight. But I couldn’t call him; I didn’t have his number, which was probably for the best.
By the time I got back to the hotel it was ten, but it felt like the early hours of the morning. I collapsed onto my bed, face first, and groaned. I should’ve been packing, but I just couldn’t. During this entire tour, the thought of going home held a level of excitement that couldn’t be contained. But now I looked at tomorrow with dread.
I sat up and called Simone.
She answered groggily.
“I know it’s early there. Want me to call you back?”
“Nein. Nein. You obviously wanted to talk about something if you were calling this early.”
“You’re right.”
“So?”
When I said nothing, Simone breathed heavily. “It’s about him, isn’t it?”
“Ja.”
I told her my disappointment of not seeing him in the crowd. I told her my feelings. I told her everything.
“I feel like this is déjà vu. Last year all over again,” she said.
Her words brought a fresh batch of pain to my heart. I didn’t say anything.
“Have you slept with him?” Simone bluntly asked.
“Nein!”
“Just asking…”
“You don’t believe me.”
Simone sighed. “It doesn’t matter what I think. What you think matters.”
“What I think is that I’m leaving this time. Not him. This time … it’s different.” Even to my ears my words sounded weak.
“Oh, Katja, it’s only different if you don’t love him.”
I toyed with the phone cord. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“Do you still love him?” Simone asked, her voice softer than normal.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You were never out of love with him … were you?”
“No.”
The crushing weight of truth slammed into me. I dropped my face into my hands. I’d been doomed from the very second I saw him.
Suddenly, there was a knock at my door. I sat up quickly. It could be Mathias. And I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t start hammering in my chest.
“I have to go.”
Before Simone could reply I hung up the phone.
When I peeked through the peephole, it was Lukas standing on the other side. I opened the door.
“Hey.” From the way his brows were drawn tight, creating a sharp V, I knew this wasn’t going to be a friendly visit.
He brushed past me, into the room, like it was his own. I stared at him in shock as he made a beeline straight to the balcony doors.
“Everything okay?” I asked as I followed behind him.
He stared outside, not bothering to turn and look me in the face as he spoke. “I feel like I haven’t spent much time with you.”
I frowned. I had no idea where he was going with this. “You see me every day.”
“A few minutes before and after you perform doesn’t count.”
That’s what was bothering him? Us not spending time together?
“We’ll be spending tomorrow together.”
“On a plane doesn’t count. Besides, it’s your last performance in America. Your tour is finished. You can’t stay in tonight.”
I hesitated before I answered. “Lukas … I think I want to spend tonight in.”
Lukas finally turned and faced me. His arms were crossed. “You’ve been seeing Mathias.”
My smile faded and it finally dawned on me that him barging into my room had less to do about seeing me and more to do with who I was seeing.
“What are you talking about?”
Lukas gave me a hard look. “Come on, Katja. Everyone knows that you’ve seen him more than once since we’ve been here.”
“Who’s everyone?”
“Everyone who saw what you went through last year. Everyone, as in the people who love you the most.”
I leaned against the end table and looked down. There was the standard hotel Holy Bible lying there. I remembered last year, how I had prayed for all my pain and anger to just leave. I prayed to stop loving Mathias. I prayed to never love again.
Those prayers had never been answered.
“Have you forgotten what he put you through?” Lukas asked quietly.
I looked at him just as he was walking toward me. He leaned against the dresser, leaving no room between us.
“No, I haven’t forgotten,” I said.
“Then why even see him?”
“I’m not going to talk about this,” I replied firmly. “We leave tomorrow.”
“If you don’t want to talk about it, then at least let me get you out of this hotel room. Not celebrating just seems wrong.”
Lukas smiled and I saw the young boy in Germany—the one who’d always been there for me. How could I ever say no to him?
I smiled softly. “You want to go eat somewhere?”
“That’s all we do: go out to eat. I had something else in mind…”
K A T J A
Lukas took me to a club called Sixty Seconds, that according to the concierge desk was, ‘The place to be.’
The environment was insanity. People were dancing all around us. Some were already drunk and clumsily bumping into people and tables. The rumble of conversation and laughter drifted around me. On the second floor, the DJ played songs so loud, with bass so strong, that I felt the floor shake beneath me.
Lukas lifted his brows, in a way that said, What do you think?
I nodded and smiled and took his hand. We moved through the crowd. I smelled sweat and cigarette smoke.
I couldn’t help but look around for Mathias. I stood on my tiptoes and scanned the room. It was futile.
“I’m going to get a drink,” Lukas said into my ear. “Do you want anything?”
Anxiously, I shook my head. I needed to forget about Mathias … at least for a night. Lukas told me he’d be right back. I watched him disappear into the crowd before I turned around and watched everyone around me.
I was envious of everyone. They moved so freely, letting everything go and living in the moment. I tried to think of the last time I really breathed and lived. It was the night I met Mathias.
After a few minutes, I stopped caring. The music was like a drug, easily taking over my body, forcing my hips to move. My eyes closed and it was easy to pretend just for a second that I was back in Germany, back at
the club, moving with Mathias to the music. I could feel the flashing lights above me. Beads of sweat slid down my back. I started to feel hot and tingly. I could feel someone’s eyes on me.
Two hands slid around my waist. My eyes opened instantly.
“Katinka,” a deep voice said against my ear.
Mathias.
My heart was pounding so loudly; it took over the beat coming through the speakers, the voices around me. It became all I could hear.
I linked my arms up and around his neck, pressing myself against him. I was willing to forget it all. The pain and heartache. It was worth it to have this intoxicating feeling back. Even if it only lasted for a few minutes. His hands glided up my stomach, stopping at the underside of my breasts. His lips were pressed against my neck, blazing a trail across my skin, and when he reached my shoulder, I felt him bite down lightly.
I moaned.
I tried to remind myself that we were in public. Anyone could see us. None of that seemed to matter, though. In fact, I think it spurred me on. I wanted to keep moving and touching in front of these people; I wanted them to see this intensity between Mathias and me.
The music faded and a new song started to play. Mathias paused and held me against him.
“Why do I always find you like this?” he whispered gruffly into my ear.
I turned to face him and finally looked him in the face. I should’ve moved away, but I couldn’t. “How did you even find me?”
“I was on my way to your hotel when I saw you and Lukas get into a cab.”
I didn’t have to ask to know if he was jealous. It was clear as day.
His eyes flared. A muscle along his jaw jumped.
And then his hands moved down to my waist. He gripped me like a man about to go over the edge. He backed me up. We moved, moved, moved until I felt the cold wall against my back. His hands disappeared from my body, making the skin he just touched feel bereft and cold. His palms lay against the wall, beside my head. And I realized that he had me where he wanted me. His hands moved from my waist and down my body, touching the bare skin of my thighs, and instead of pushing him away, I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the feeling sweeping through me. I tried to keep my body perfectly still, but the level of desire I felt with him was so powerful that my back arched forward, trying to get closer to him.
His leg slipped between mine. I gasped and rocked into him.
“I saw you with Lukas,” he said against my ear.
My eyes flashed open. “So?”
“Is he fucking you?” he growled, his eyes flashing with anger and possession.
I wasn’t his to own. I pushed him away. “I’m not with him that way.”
His hand wrapped around the back of my neck. He ducked his head, our foreheads touching. “You’re driving me crazy.”
I tried to answer, but my mind shut down. My blood roared through my body, making my skin feel like it was on fire. We’d tiptoed around each other the past few days.
And suddenly it seemed futile.
He dipped his head and kissed me hard. It was a punishing kiss, the one that gives you no options but to kiss back.
I felt every single emotion of his. The anger. Frustration. All of it.
This time was different than before. I didn’t push him away. I yanked him closer until I felt his erection against my leg. Kissing him made me feel confident, even bold; I knew what he liked and needed. I grinded against him and tilted my head, as my tongue slid against his. And suddenly I wanted more.
I ignored all the bodies around us. My fingers dug into his biceps before they slid up and around his neck. He let me take control. I felt starved. I wanted to keep taking, taking, taking. But Mathias broke away. I moved against him and he groaned loudly.
“I need to be alone with you,” he practically growled.
I nodded, blinking away the haze of lust. “Yes.”
“Later tonight,” he said.
Mathias held my gaze for a second longer and then he was moving through the crowd. He was easy to keep track off, but I watched him until he disappeared through the doors.
I stayed there, slumped against the wall. My mind was in a complete daze. What had just happened, and what did I just agree to?
I pressed my palm against my chest and willed my heart to slow. The heat from all the bodies, mixed with Mathias’ kiss was starting to make everything feel dizzy.
“There you are,” Lukas shouted above the music.
My head snapped up. I watched Lukas hold two drinks in the air, and he made his way toward me.
Lukas held out the other glass. “Drink?”
“Please.”
I chugged down my drink, and when Lukas asked to dance I said okay, but I wasn’t into it.
K A T J A
Lukas and I got back to the hotel around 2 A.M.
I wished I could land on my bed and promptly fall asleep, forgetting everything about tonight. But I couldn’t. Lukas dropped me off at my door and I simply smiled at him, wishing to God that it was him that I felt something for.
“You had fun … didn’t you?” Lukas asked.
I smiled at him, trying to ignore the fact that the two of us reeked of smoke and booze. “Of course I did. I’m glad we went.”
I grabbed my room key and Lukas’ hand shot out, curling around my wrist. I looked up at him.
“Is everything okay?”
I could never hide anything from Lukas, but lately, it seemed like that was all I was doing. Another fake smile.
“Everything is great.”
I could tell by the look on his face that he knew something was up, but he never uttered a word. Just kissed me on my forehead and went to his room.
Resentment for Mathias started to build up. I was fine before he came back into the picture. I was starting to feel something for Lukas. A stable man. Even now I felt the smallest of sparks between us. But that was it.
I slammed the door, hoping that I could leave all traces of Mathias behind me.
Why did I make it so hard on myself? Why did I seek the man that would never, ever settle down?
Why?
I tossed my purse onto the chair.
When Mathias left my side at the club I became restless and hyper- aware. He built me up. He made me feel this way and now … nothing.
With my back resting against the door, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If Mathias wasn’t around me right now, if he didn’t so effortlessly make me melt, I really thought I could be with Lukas. But things were so twisted and mangled in such a way that I didn’t see any scenario working out.
I slid off my heels and sighed when my sore feet touched the soft carpet. As I walked deeper into the room I reached back to release the first two hooks on my dress. I still had a slight buzz from my encounter with Mathias. My hands were shaking, and what should usually take only mere seconds was now turning into minutes. They finally came free and I sighed.
I glanced at myself in the mirror mounted behind the dresser. My skin was still damp from the club. My lipstick had faded away from Mathias’ kisses. I brushed my finger across my lower lip. It tingled and burned.
I started to take down my hair. Bobby pin after bobby pin until the surface was littered with them. My hair tumbled down my back, in messy waves.
“Hello, Katja.”
I whirled around, my palm laying flat against my chest. In the corner, sitting in a chair in the dark was Mathias.
He leaned forward in the chair. His elbows were braced on his thighs with his hands dangled in between his legs. I saw the hot look in his eyes and it made me take a step back. My back hit the dresser. Mathias stood and moved toward me slowly. My body started to tingle.
I quickly grabbed my ponytail.
“Don’t put it back up. Leave it down,” he demanded.
My hands lowered as he stopped in front of me.
“Did you have fun the rest of the night?”
“I did,” I said, my voice breathless.
“Dance wit
h Lukas?”
My hands curled around the edge of the dresser. “I did.”
I saw the flare of jealousy in his eyes. “Did you dance with him like you did with me?” Mathias asked tightly.
I stayed perfectly still because I knew it was futile to back away. He moved in. His hands curled around the corners of the dresser, right next to me.
“No.”
“Good.”
That was the very last thing he said before he kissed me.
First, he pressed his lips against mine. Then, he nipped on the bottom lip gently. I moaned and his tongue slid past my lips, moving against mine so slowly it was erotic. All coherent thoughts disappeared. I kissed him back, reveling how he knew to kiss me just right. My skin felt tingly and warm.
Mathias tilted my head back, sliding his lips over mine, his tongue moving against mine.
He continued to kiss me. My nails dug into his forearms for support.
He pulled back and nipped at my bottom lip, making me whimper.
A moment to take a deep breath made me think clearly. “Opa is next door,” I panted.
Mathias groaned. His forehead touched my shoulder.
The sound of our heavy breathing was all that could be heard in the room.
When he lifted his head, his eyes blazed. “Come home with me.”
K A T J A
Mathias lived in downtown Lexington, only a ten minute drive away. Right then it felt like an ocean away. I didn’t remember the lobby or the elevator ride. Everything was put on pause. The second his apartment door shut behind us, I was sucked back into the Mathias vortex. My fingers curled into his shirt and I tugged him closer.
My shoulders touched the wall and he pushed my coat off my shoulders. It fell to the ground. He turned us around, guiding us deeper into the apartment. I didn’t look around; my attention was solely on him.
Quickly he found the zipper of my dress. The sound of it dragging down mixed with our frantic breaths. My hands moved to unbutton his shirt. It wasn’t revealing enough of him. I tugged at the sleeves. Mathias chuckled against my lips.
Back and forth we went, our clothes leaving a trail in our wake.
More than anything I wanted to reach out and touch him slowly, but my entire body felt like a live explosive—ready to go off at any second. With shaking hands, I unlatched his buckle and unzipped his pants with impatient jerks. Mathias started to breathe rapidly.