by Calia Read
This time, it was me that did the leaving.
I took a cab back to the hotel. My body felt numb, almost hollow, as if I had left every single part of me with Mathias. A few times I had the urge to tell the cab to turn around and take me back. I would open my mouth and right when I was ready to speak, I would think of everything I said. Everything he said.
Eventually, my eyes closed. I slouched deep into the backseat. Street lamps slashed pale yellow light into the cab. Even though it was late at night, a handful of people walked down the street, laughing loudly and leaning against each other.
Before I knew it, I was back at the hotel. I paid the cab driver, mumbling that he could keep the change, and hurried to my room.
When I opened my door, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. But Lukas was sitting on the couch. My body tensed as I shut the door.
“Hello,” I said as I dropped my purse onto the desk. I glanced over at the coffee table and saw the surface littered with empty beer bottles.
Immediately he cut to the chase. “Were you with him?”
I’d been denying, denying, denying for so long. It was time I said the truth. I looked Lukas in the eye. “I was with him.”
He sat forward, his elbows resting on his knees and dragged his hands through his hair. When he lifted his head. I saw nothing but stark need.
“What are we doing, Katja?”
My shoulders tensed. I walked over to the couch and sat next to him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you and me. Us. Before Mathias stepped back into the picture it seemed … it seemed like there could be something for us.”
“I know.”
“And now?”
I sat on the edge of the couch and stared at the bottles spread across the table in front of me. “I don’t know, Lukas.”
Lukas closed his eyes and rubbed both hands down his face. “He left. He up and left you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“It does.”
“Clearly not enough!” Lukas shouted. “I don’t get you, Katja.”
“I don’t even get myself! You don’t think I see how easy it would be if I loved you and not him? I know it.”
He didn’t say a word, just stared at me with disappointment.
“I just left his place,” I rushed out. “I gave him an ultimatum. I just wanted him to say he loved me. That’s it. But he didn’t. So it’s done.”
“I thought you were already done a year ago.”
“I was never done,” I confessed. “I wanted to be. You have no idea how much I wanted to move on and ignore those months with him.”
“He’s a fucking idiot.” Lukas gently lifted my chin. “I mean it. He’s a fucking idiot.”
This close to Lukas and I could see that he’s an attractive man that any woman would fall for. His black hair and eyes could be easy to get lost in.
“Lukas, you deserve a woman that will love you like crazy.”
“Give me a small piece of your time and I will make him disappear, Katja.”
I looked his way. In his eyes I saw he would give me the sun, moon, and stars. Lukas could really love me.
“Give me a chance,” he repeated.
I watched as his lips came closer and closer, until suddenly they brushed against mine. I didn’t pull away, but I sucked in a sharp breath.
His lips stayed there, not moving. Almost as if he was waiting for me to change my mind.
I don’t know what possessed me to reach out and hold onto his shoulders. Maybe I wanted his words to be right.
Lukas slanted his head to the side. His body was suddenly pressed against mine. My mouth opened. His tongue glided against mine. Hesitantly, my tongue moved against his. There weren’t butterflies taking flight in my stomach and my blood didn’t boil. I didn’t have the desperate urge to cling to him. But there was something there, a small little flame, and I couldn’t ignore it. Lukas groaned and very abruptly I pulled back; I saw it all so clearly then: Lukas could be the path that I was supposed to take. If I gave him a chance, if I accepted that Mathias and I were never meant to be, then perhaps the pieces of my life would all fit together.
When we pulled apart, tears freely fell down my cheeks; it was one thing to know the truth and another to come to terms with it.
Lukas wiped my tears away.
K A T J A
“Thank you for staying, Ms. Schwartz. We hope you had a great time and will come back soon.”
The lady behind the concierge gave me a polite smile and handed me my receipt. I smiled back. At least I thought I did, and moved off to the side. I stared at the faces that walked by me. My movements were sluggish, as if someone put my life on slow motion. My eyes felt heavy from the lack of sleep. I didn’t get a wink of sleep. I paced my room like a caged animal, knowing that my friendship was in dire straits because of our kiss, and fighting the urge to go back to Mathias.
I looked around. My eyes always veered back to the lobby doors.
All of my bags were packed, already in the trunk of the limo parked outside. Opa and Lukas were in the back seat. I could feel Lukas’ gaze boring holes on my back.
I felt numb. Hollow. Not even the pain of finding him gone last year hurt this bad.
Our flight was at eleven. I glanced at my watch. 8 AM. We should be in the car and on our way to the airport by now, but I couldn’t seem to move.
I was just hurting myself. Hope was for fools. The smart people in the world accepted that and moved on. And the fools, the ones like me, would never understand. No matter how much pain was tossed their way.
Finally, after a few minutes, I gave up. I adjusted the strap of my purse and walked toward the front doors.
Then I saw him.
He stopped in his tracks. So did I.
He was a disaster and there was no other way to put it. His hair was pointing up in crazy directions. I could picture him repeatedly dragging his fingers through it. He was still in yesterday’s clothes. His shirt was unevenly buttoned, as if he had jumped out of bed and grabbed the first thing he saw.
It soothed me, just a little, that he was suffering as much as I was.
He walked toward me, looking like a man on a mission, and didn’t stop until he was directly in front of me. Standing this close I saw that his eyes were bloodshot and a day’s worth of stubble was growing in.
“I thought you’d be gone,” he said.
I gestured to the limo waiting outside. “I’m leaving right now.”
His shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes. I’d never seen him look so defeated. “I’m sorry about last night. I fucked up.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
He stared at me imploringly, almost like he wanted to say something else but couldn’t get the words to form on his tongue.
“Stay,” he said.
We stayed apart, but he might as well have been touching me.
“I can’t, Mathias,” I whispered brokenly.
“Katja, I will give you anything, I mean, anything, in this world just to keep you.”
“Anything?”
He nodded.
“Give me your heart.”
He turned white, yet I continued. “Give me your heart. Give me your love.”
“Anything but that.”
“Mathias, I don’t care where you could take me, or what you can buy me. That’s all bullshit in my eyes. I just want you to love me back.”
Silence.
I waited there like a fool, pleading with my eyes for him to say something. Anything. But he didn’t.
“I have to go.”
I turned and he didn’t stop me. I felt his eyes on my back. As I walked out the lobby doors, I felt my heart slowly bleeding out. I didn’t look back, not once.
The car door opened, Lukas stepped out. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
He stepped aside, letting me get in.
The car pulled into traffic, and I took a deep, shaking breath.
; He gave me away.
Everything comes full circle. There would come a day when he’d be wishing for me.
But I wouldn’t be there.
FIVE MONTHS LATER
“One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began.”
~Mary Oliver
K A T J A
“What did you do, Katja?”
Mathias’ words made me close my eyes. I couldn’t talk to him about this. I tried to close the door but he once again blocked it. “Don’t.”
“You need to go. We have nothing to talk about.”
“Like hell.” His steel gaze cut through me. “You’re marrying him. That’s something to talk about.”
“We haven’t spoken in months,” I retorted. “Why should we now?”
My words were harsher than I intended. But seeing him was putting my world into a tailspin.
“Katja, who is it?” I glanced behind my shoulder. Lukas’ mom, Johanna was still in the kitchen, oblivious to what was going on.
“It’s no one,” I said coldly. Mathias opened his mouth and I lifted a hand to stop him. “Mathias … you’re too late,” I whispered in German.
His lips were bloodless and a muscle along his jaw fluttered. I knew it was taking everything in him to restrain himself. His shoulders drooped. He hung his head and rubbed the back of his neck before he looked back up at me.
I flinched at the determination in his eyes. “I’m not too late,” he replied. “In fact, I think I’m right on time.”
No, no, no. This isn’t happening, my mind screamed. But it was. I was inches away from danger and I knew what would happen if I touched it.
“I’m closing the door,” I said warningly.
With his foot still in the doorframe, Mathias cut the distance between us. Close enough for me to smell his cologne. My blood roared through my body. I felt light headed. “Katinka … please.”
Why did he have to use his nickname for me? Why? Memories that I’d worked to push out of my mind for the past five months came rushing back to me.
“Katja, I’ll keep banging on this fucking door until you talk to me. Give me a few minutes. That’s it.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Then your hand is really going to hurt tomorrow.” I slammed the door, and for good measure, I locked it.
Johanna peeked her head out of the kitchen. “Who was that?”
“No one.”
“Doesn’t seem like no one,” she commented.
Pushing away from the door, I walked down the hall and gave Johanna a fake smile. “It’s no one important. I promise. But if Brigitte knocks, let her in.”
She looked at me carefully before she finally nodded. Before she could say another word I hurried down the hall like hell was on my heels.
Johanna had known me most of my life. Long enough to know when I was lying. I knew she could see right through me. I’d seen a lot more of her since Lukas and I had been together. She came over frequently, regaling me with stories of Lukas when he was a young kid. Stories that I didn’t even know and that made Lukas groan in embarrassment.
At the thought of him I smiled.
A month after I came back from the Stateside tour, I took a chance on the two of us. And things just … clicked. It was easy and effortless with us.
I loved his crooked smile and the twinkle in his eyes when he talked. I loved the way he held me in the morning. When he loved me he was slow and gentle and caring.
A memory of Mathias pinning me against the wall ran through my mind. “Do you want me to move or do you want me to fuck you?”
His words still had the ability to make me shiver. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think about Lukas.
Lukas was reliable. He never let me down. Lukas wouldn’t hurt my heart.
I glanced down at my engagement ring. It still felt surreal to wear it. Almost like I was playing dress-up and needed to give it back to its original owner. I knew full well that most people thought it was too soon to be engaged. But to me, it wasn’t. I had this small voice in my head telling me that if I didn’t say yes now, I never would. This was a step to my future with Lukas.
Besides my engagement, another crucial part of my life changed: I stopped playing the piano. It no longer hypnotized me. The passion was gone. I didn’t wake up in the morning and think: “I get to play.” No, instead it was: “I have to play.” And when something became mundane, a chore, it was time for a change.
But I didn’t want to exorcise the piano out of my life completely.
I stepped into my studio, the room that had once been Simone’s. My Steinway was moved here, and while the room didn’t have the same breathtaking view as my old studio, it was mine. All mine. And no one could change that.
A few minutes later there was a light knock at the door. “Come in.”
Brigitte, a six-year-old girl with pin straight brown hair, lifted her head from the book it was buried in.
“How are you today?”
Brigitte smiled shyly. “Good.”
“Excellent. How about you start where you left off last time?”
Dutifully, she opened up her book bag and pulled out her music.
I lost myself during the sessions with the students. The time slipped away and I ended up running late. Yet today I found myself glancing at the clock more times than I could count. My leg bounced up and down. An hour later I was ushering Brigitte out the front door. I walked back up to my room. When the door shut behind me, I sagged against it and massaged my temples.
My relationship with Lukas was good. Better than good. It was great. But Mathias was, is, and would always be a huge point of contention. If he was ever brought up, even if in passing, Lukas stiffened up.
I had to tell him, though. I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted our relationship to grow and become stronger enough that nothing would break us.
Pacing the foyer, I thought of all the ways I could break the news that Mathias was here. None of them had a good outcome.
“What’s wrong with you, Katja?” Johanna asked.
“Nothing.”
“You seem … agitated.”
I stopped my pacing long enough to look at her. “Just have a lot of things on my mind right now.”
She gave me a dubious look, but said no more.
And finally the front door opened. I whipped my body around just as Lukas appeared. He tossed his keys on the end table and looked over at me. My heart raced and my palms started to sweat, but it was for all the wrong reasons. All rooting from one person: Mathias.
“Hey, how are you?” I said in one giant rush.
Lukas smiled as he shut the door. “Good.”
He snatched my hand and pulled me in for a kiss. I kissed him harder than normal. Enough to make him groan and stumble back. He straightened, his hands banding around my waist. My eyes were squeezed tight, wanting to erase Mathias’ visit today and his memory altogether.
Seconds later, he pulled away, panting. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I just miss you.”
He smirked. “If that’s the greeting I get being a little late, maybe I should be late more often.”
Playfully I shoved him and grabbed his hand. “I want to talk to you … alone for a second.”
“Everything okay?” he asked as we walked down the hall.
“Ja, ja.”
The second my bedroom door shut behind me, I turned and faced him. The fake smile I’d worn since I saw Mathias faded.
Lukas saw the look on my face and took a step toward me. “Katja. What’s going on?”
I swallowed loudly. “I saw Mathias today.”
Within seconds his easygoing grin faded. His shoulders tensed. Hands dropped to his side. “Where?”
“He came over.”
“Here?”
I nodded.
Lukas chuckled darkly and dragged his hands through his hair. “I knew it. I knew he was going to do this.”
“It’s not a big deal; I didn’t let
him in.”
Lukas, already pacing the floor, turned toward me. “It’s a big deal. The bastard wouldn’t come here for nothing.”
“Maybe it is nothing.” I offered, less for him and more for myself. “Maybe he’s visiting his family.”
“Are you really going to defend him?”
It didn’t take long for this situation to turn on me. Walking up to Lukas, I curled my fingers around his biceps. “Am I with him right now? No. I’m with you”
Lukas didn’t look convinced.
My fingers glided up his arms to his shoulders. “I didn’t let him in. That’s all that matters, okay?”
He stared at me for a long moment, searching my gaze. For what? I didn’t know. Very slowly he reached for my hands and pulled them away and walked to the door. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
Panic started to kick in. I followed him to the door. “Where are you going?”
“Out,” he growled.
Before the door could slam, I grabbed it and shoved my face into the hallway. “Nothing happened!” I yelled to his retreating back.
At those words, Lukas stopped on the middle of the stairs. He ate up the distance between us and didn’t stop until we were inches apart. “That’s the thing, though, Katja. Something always happens with you and him. Always.”
M A T H I A S
There comes a day in your life when you wake up and take the blinders off. You turn around and see your life trailing behind you, mistakes and all. You face forward and think to yourself: “Is this what my future looks like?”
And that’s what it was for me with Katja. My conscience whispered to me, “Do you really want to spend the rest of your life without Katja just because you’re too scared?”
The day she left the States, the day she said good-bye, I saw her heart in her eyes, just waiting for me to say those three words. I really thought she was asking for something that I couldn’t give her. But the truth was I had it, I was just too scared to hand it over.
I loved Katja and I would risk all my worries and fears to be with her; anything that was worth having was worth fighting for. I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with her. I’d driven myself to the point of insanity trying to find the answer. Maybe it was the night I first met her at the club. Maybe it was at Neuschwanstein. The wind blowing her hair across her face as she told me to stand next to her. Maybe it was the first night we fucked. Maybe it was the moment I walked with her down the street, opening up to her about my family and thinking: This feels right.