by E. K. Blair
I love her playfulness and feed into it when I boast, “I’m making a high A.”
“You’re a turd,” she quips before her mother interjects, saying, “I like this guy.”
When laughter subsides, Cheryl turns her focus to me. “So, Kason, what other classes do you enjoy?”
“Pretty much all of them. School has always come easily for me. I’m taking a few AP classes to help with college credits that are time-consuming, but I manage to keep my grades up.”
“Already thinking about college? I’m impressed. Maybe you can encourage Ady.”
“I already registered to take an SAT prep course, thank you very much.”
She smiles at Adaline before asking me, “Do you have any ideas about what you want to study?”
“Not really.”
“Well, it’s still early. It took me a while to figure out that law was what I wanted to do.” She looks at my now empty plate and serves me another slice.
“Thanks.”
“What about your parents?” she starts, and I grow a little restless. “What do they do?”
Uncomfortably, I stall, unsure of how to answer. Both of them assume I come from their world since I go to the same high school as Adaline. It’s the same assumption everyone around here has about me. It’s the sham I’ve let them all believe because I’m too ashamed to let anyone know the circumstances I come from. The last thing I want is for her to know the truth about what type of guy her daughter is dating, so I do the only thing I can. “My mom works in event planning.” I hate to lie. It makes me sick to my stomach, but when I see her mother’s approving smile, I know she’d never accept the truth. And if she did, she’d do so with a massive scoop of pity for me.
“That sounds exciting.”
I shift my eyes nervously over to Adaline, who’s giving me an inquisitive look as if she’s eager to know more. I don’t blame her. I do my best to keep the focus on her and off me so I won’t be put in situations like the one I’m in right now.
“And what about your father?” Cheryl adds.
“It’s only my mom.”
She looks over at Adaline. “Have you met her yet?”
Adaline shakes her head and then responds to her while looking at me. “He’s never invited me over.” Her tone is humorous, but I can’t help feeling the sharp blade of criticism, as if she’s irritated that I haven’t included her in my world as much as she has included me in hers. Or maybe I’m reading too much into everything right now.
I brush her off, trying not to make a big deal about it. “Because you’re always telling me to come over here.”
Her mother doesn’t ask anything else about my family, and I’m relieved when she turns to Adaline and says, “I keep forgetting to tell you, but I have a conference in Jacksonville that I will be at for a week in August. If you want, you can come with me. I won’t be around, but you can enjoy the hotel.”
“I’d rather not be cooped up in a hotel with nothing to do.”
She picks up her glass of wine and says, “I don’t blame you,” before taking another sip.
We finish dinner, and when we take our dishes back inside, her mom calls it a night. “I’m going to turn in early and get some much-needed sleep. Kason,” she says, “it was good seeing you again.”
“You, too, and thanks for dinner.”
She says good night and hugs Adaline before heading to her bedroom.
“I should probably get going,” I tell her, needing to get some space from the deception I just threw their way.
“Already?”
“I have homework I need to finish.”
She gives me a suspicious look, and I worry she can see my unease. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
She slips her arms around my waist and cranes her head back so she can look at me. “Stay. At least little while longer.”
And just like that, I give in. “Come here.” I take her hand, leading her back outside and over to the large hammock.
I get on first and then help her as she crawls into my arms and nestles her head on my shoulder. Holding her, I close my eyes and try to force away the anxiety that’s eating away at the pit of my stomach. Shame is a vicious beast that’s been tormenting me for a while now when it comes to Adaline. It’s what made me want to keep her at arm’s length when I first met her, but fuck if I didn’t shoot all that to hell the night I kissed her on the beach.
Who am I kidding? It was shot to hell much sooner than that.
But it’s when she says my name with so much uncertainty that worry cripples me.
“Kason?”
Something inside catapults, and I grow wary of why she’s treading so cautiously with me.
“Why haven’t you invited me to your house?”
Instinct tells me to lie, to get the hell out of here before she learns the truth and dumps me. But I stay, because I’m frozen even though she’s so warm against me. However, there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep this from her. Adaline’s different from any other girl I’ve ever met, and with how close we’ve been getting, I’m not going to be able to keep everything a secret the way I wish I could. I know that the moment she finds out I’m nothing like the rich kid she assumes I am will be the moment she walks away. Although we’ve only been together for a short while, I’m already falling for her, and I don’t want to lose her.
She lifts her head and looks at me from under her soft lashes, and I doubt I’ll ever be lucky enough to find someone else as kind and as beautiful as she is again. Girls like her don’t exist where I’m from. Those girls are hard and jaded, and if they’re not those things, then they’re cheap and easy.
But this girl, she’s soft and good, and with insecurity in her eyes, I know I have to be honest.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” My gut knots, and I pull her back to my chest so I don’t have to see the look in her eyes when I tell her, “I don’t come from your world.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t live around here. And I don’t have money like you do.”
She tries to draw back, but I flex my arms around her to keep her in place. I’m too much of a coward to face her.
I take in a deep breath that doesn’t serve me well and reveal, “I live in a small apartment about thirty minutes north of here. And what I said about my mom isn’t true. She works two jobs, both that only pay her enough to keep a roof over our heads and our electricity on.”
And this time, it’s her arms that tighten around me, but I refuse to look at whatever pity she may have in her eyes.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because it’s easier to fit in when everyone assumes I’m a part of all this.”
“This?”
“Money.”
She presses her hands against my chest, using her strength to push up from me, and when I look at her, there’s pain in her eyes. “You thought I was so shallow that I’d judge you because you don’t come from money?” She’s hurt and defensive.
“I know you’re not shallow. I wouldn’t be with you if you were.”
“Then why not tell me?”
“Because I don’t think you realize exactly how far I am from your world.”
“It’s your world, too.”
“You know what I mean.” I sit up and wrap my hands around her slight shoulders so she’ll take me seriously. “I don’t work because I want to. I work because I don’t have any other choice. And I don’t take advanced classes because they’re fun. I do it because I’m going to need all the help I can get to have a shot at college.” Her expression is stone as she takes in my words. “My life isn’t easy, Adaline. It looks nothing like yours.”
“The only thing that bothers me about all of this is that you felt like I would judge you. That all I care about is if someone has money.” She takes a moment, and when I drop my hands from her, she slacks her shoulders. “What matters to me is that you’re a good person and you care about
me. I don’t care where you live, and I would never look down on you because of that.”
I stare at her, dumbfounded, as she tells me this. I wasn’t expecting this reaction, and I’m taken aback.
“I didn’t know how to tell you; I’ve never had to tell anyone. No one even knows except Micah.”
“Why Micah and no one else?”
“Because it was his father that got me transferred into this school.”
Her brows pinch in puzzlement, and I go on to explain. “When I was a freshman, I lied about my age to get the job I have now. It’s one of several businesses Micah’s dad owns. He found out I lied on my application, and when he sat to question me, I told him why I needed the job so badly. He couldn’t officially hire me because I was too young, so he let me work around his house since they were doing a remodel. That’s how I met Micah,” I tell her. “After a few months of his dad getting to know me, he pulled some strings, probably made a hefty donation, and got me into the school.”
She drops her head, and when I lift her chin, she wavers before asking, “Is this why you sell Micah weed? Because you need money?”
How the fuck does she know I sell that shit?
“What are you talking about?”
“I know you’re selling it because he told me.”
“I don’t smoke that shit,” I immediately defend.
“I know you don’t. I just . . .” Her voice drifts, and she looks away for a second. “I don’t like that you sell it. I mean, what if you get caught?”
God damn, this girl. The fact that she cares about what could happen to me tugs my heart down deep in my chest. I take her in my arms, and she circles hers around me as we lie back down. I have no idea what she sees in someone like me, but my heart ignores all the self-debasing answers.
“Whoever you get it from, have Micah buy it from them.”
“Okay.” As much as I could use the money, it isn’t as if I make a lot off the deals, so it definitely isn’t worth upsetting her.
Tucking her closer to me, I press my lips on to hers in an unmoving kiss, having never felt the way she’s making me feel right now. She drops her lips along my jaw and down my neck, and when she nuzzles her head beneath my chin, she murmurs, “Can we hang out at your place tomorrow?”
“Yeah, babe,” I respond, trusting that when she says she would never judge me, she means it.
We linger in this moment for a while longer, but when she begins nodding off, I make sure to get her inside before I head out. There’s a peace that resides within me when I’m with Adaline, but it’s never enough to completely snuff out the insatiable hunger I can’t shake. When I’m with her, I’m needy for affection, but it only makes my struggle worse.
As I drive home, it takes everything in me not to pull off the side of the road and jerk off. My stomach twists, and I become restless. It doesn’t matter how much I fight myself, I can’t seem to tame whatever it is that causes me to be like this. I think back to Adaline and cringe at the thought of her knowing this about me. She may not have judged my lot in life, but she would be disgusted if she ever found out about my inner workings. That I spend most hours of the day horny as all get out, thinking of when I’ll be able to get my next fix.
My dick is excruciatingly hard by the time I pull into my parking space. I run one palm over my crotch and swipe the back of my other hand across my sweaty forehead. When I get out of my car, I look over to see Krista’s car parked a few spaces down.
My heart thumps against my chest, and my bones tingle with urgency. Like a bad habit, my feet lead me to the remedy, taking me to the next building over. The neck of my shirt dampens as I stand in front of her door. I think about all the highs that are waiting for me on the other side if only I could knock. God damn, I want to knock so bad as my hard-on strains against my shorts, but I can’t. If Adaline ever found out, she would never see it as an emotionless release. She deserves a guy who can restrain himself better than this, but maybe I’m not better. Maybe the reason I’m about to fuck Krista is because there’s something inside me that isn’t right.
I shake that thought out of my head, because I can’t handle the fear it brings.
Before I do something that I’ll regret, I turn on my heels and walk with failure in my step all the way to my apartment.
But I didn’t fail. Not entirely.
Frustration bites at my core, and I rip off my sweat-soaked shirt when I kick the door to my bedroom shut. As much as I want to pretend I don’t need this, I know the truth. I know I can’t live without it.
I want to do right by Adaline—I do. I want it so badly, but at what cost? If I’m forsaking sex, then shouldn’t that be enough?
Lying on my bed, I open a free online porn site on my phone, and without another thought, my mind drags into a fog as I watch some chick with fake tits bouncing on top of a dude as I jack off. I cum hard and fast, but euphoria fades when I lose myself inside an unrelenting dark wave of repulsion. The fact that I had to talk myself out of fucking Krista only to come home and get myself off to cheap porn makes me sick to my stomach. My truth is so unworthy of the girl my heart has started attaching itself to. When I think about how pure she is, it only reminds me how dirty I am.
Kason’s grip on the steering wheel is tense, knuckles nearly white, and I hate that he’s so nervous about my seeing where he lives. His fear that I’m somehow going to look at him differently is making me feel like I should be doing something more to comfort him. But I don’t want to coddle him like a child. It would probably make everything worse.
He picked me up from my house after work because he didn’t want me driving alone when I don’t know my way around his side of town. I try to reassure him with a silent smile when he glances my way, but I know it doesn’t have any effect on him.
When he pulls off the highway, I already see the stark difference between my neighborhood and his. Chain linked fences enclose the front yards of withered old houses. A tattooed guy, who is wearing a wife-beater and jeans slung way too low, is walking down the sidewalk, not bothering to step around the weeds that are jutting through the cracks. I peer over my shoulder at Kason, who’s so clean cut in his crisp white work polo and khaki shorts, looking every bit of the part of a South Tampa kid and nothing like the guy we just passed.
The car slows as we approach the apartment complex. He drives around the worn-down buildings, and my stomach grows uneasy. I’ve never been in an area like this before, and I feel very out of place and skittish. Kason would be hurt if he knew, so I feign indifference when he turns into a parking spot and shuts the car off.
He lets go of a heavy breath. “So, this is where I live.”
“Stop,” I gently chide when I see the shame in his eyes.
He fiddles with his keys for a second and then finally opens his door. Taking my hand in his, he leads me up the stairs and down the corridor to his apartment. Bass from a nearby car thumps loudly, and when Kason unlocks the door and holds it open for me, I come face to face with his reality.
I step inside, but I’m immediately distracted from taking in the surroundings when I see his mom sitting on the couch with a stack of mail on her lap.
“Hi, Mom.”
With her eyes on me, she stands and gives me the most endearing smile. There’s something about the small gesture that soothes some of my nerves.
“So, this is Adaline,” she says as she walks over to me, and I’m taken by surprise when she hugs me. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
“You, too.”
She then takes a small step back and eyes me up and down. “You’re a very pretty girl.”
“Mom.”
“What?” she defends. “She is.”
“I know, but—”
She wags her hand at Kason, and I laugh as he shakes his head at her. “Well, come over here and have a seat,” she invites. “Are you thirsty or anything?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks.” I sit next to her on the threadbare sofa, and Kason joins me. There’s
no other seating in the room, only a rickety coffee table and a small television in the corner by the door.
I turn back to his mom and see she’s wearing a work uniform. I spot her name tag that reads “Sharon”.
“I was about to head off to work,” she tells me when she notices I’m looking at her clothes, and I apologize for staring.
“I’m sorry. I was reading your tag,” I explain. “Kason hadn’t mentioned your name.”
She touches her name tag and then smooths her hands down the front of her apron that’s tied around her waist. “It isn’t the best job in the world, but the people are very friendly.”
I read aloud the logo on her top. “Pete’s-A-Pie. Never been there.”
“You’re not missing much. Just an old diner that serves pizza and pies. It’s a horrible combination if you ask me. But the key lime pie is made from real key limes.”
“I’m more of a classic apple pie girl, but it has to be topped with a slice of cheddar cheese.”
“That sounds gross.”
My eyes widen in surprise when Kason says this, and I ask, “Have you ever tried it?”
“Why would anyone want cheese on their pie?”
“Because,” his mom says, “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.”
“Oh my god,” I squeal with excitement. “My grandma used to say the same thing.”
“That’s because it’s true.” She places her hand on my knee and leans in. “Kason doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
Looking over my shoulder at him, I agree. “She’s right. It’s amazing.”
He shakes his head at the two of us, but he can’t hide the hint of a smile on his face.
“Well, I wish I could stay and chitchat a little longer, but I need to be going before I’m late.”
I stand when she gets off the couch and grabs her purse from the small coffee table.
“It was really good meeting you,” I tell her and truly mean it. Getting to finally talk to Kason’s mom makes me feel even closer to him, and with liking him as much as I do, I want that closeness.
She smiles and then peers around me to her son, saying, “Bring her over more often,” before acknowledging me with, “And it was great meeting you, too.”