CHAPTER TEN
MONA
“How old is your baby?” the waitress asked.
“About a week old,” I said.
“She’s beautiful,” she said. “You must be so proud.”
“I am,” I said, doing my best impression of a beaming mother.
“Did you have an easy delivery?” she asked.
I paused and then nodded.
“It wasn’t too bad,” I replied. God, she was fucking nosy. Is this what it’s like, I wondered? Everyone prying into your business.
“I guess not if you’re up and around by yourself after a week!” she replied. “I didn’t leave the house for a month, I think!”
“Oh,” I nodded, trying to smile, trying not to punch her in the mouth. “Guess I’m one of the lucky ones.”
“You are,” she said. “Well, enjoy her! Time flies.”
“It does,” I nodded, thinking about Libby. I couldn’t believe how much time had passed since I’d given birth to her. She was a grown woman now and I’d missed it all. Everything.
I ordered a huge breakfast and when I asked for a second cup of coffee, the waitress’ raised eyebrow wasn’t lost on me. Let her judge me, what did I care? I wasn’t really breast feeding and coffee was going to be a necessity if I kept this up for too long.
Sure, I was used to getting up early, but no sleep for days on end might just do me in. So far, so good, but I knew how quickly a baby’s demeanor could change. I was just waiting for the storm to come. I mean, at the very least, she’d start teething soon, right?
I had no idea when babies started teething, but I knew it was something parents complained about a lot. I made a note to stop at a book store and pick up one of those books about what to expect.
The waitress came by again to fill up my coffee cup, but when I looked up, I saw something different in her eyes as she glanced at Sadie curiously. I glanced behind her, and saw the news blaring on the television mounted in the corner. Grace stood behind a podium, the Gods by her side, all of them wearing t-shirts emblazoned with little Sadie’s face on them. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, the volume was turned down, but it didn’t matter. The anguish on her face said it all.
“Terrible, isn’t it?” the waitress asked.
“It really is,” I replied, shaking my head sadly. “I can’t imagine what the family must be going through.”
“Yes,” she nodded, looking back at the TV.
“Could I have the check, please?” I asked, reaching over and covering Sadie’s face with her blanket.
“Of course,” she nodded, pulling it out of her apron and placing it on the table, before walking away.
I threw a twenty on the table, gathered up the baby and her things and walked out, the look in Grace’s eyes haunting me as I drove back to the hotel.
Guilt threatened to break through the surface, but I pushed it away.
“You deserve this, bitch,” I muttered to myself.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
GRACE
“They don’t have any leads at all,” I said, hanging up the phone, and pacing around Diana’s desk. “The cops are worthless.”
The television appearance left me exhausted. Or, maybe it was the concussion. Most likely, it was the stress.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Sadie. I was worried if she was safe, if she was eating, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who would take her. I hung my head in disappointment. The life I’d chosen to lead had led to this.
The anger I’d riled up in the hearts of evil men by bringing them to justice had come back to bite me in the ass in the worst possible way.
“Tell Riot to make a list of everyone who’s still alive that we may have pissed off,” I said.
“He’s already on it,” Ryder replied. “But it could be a stranger. It could have been random.”
“I doubt it,” I said. “Someone was following us.”
He sighed and wrapped his arms around me. I wiggled away, feeling claustrophobic.
“I need to do something! Anything!” I insisted.
“It’s maddening, I know,” he said. “But what you need to do is take it easy. You heard what Bones said. Why don’t you sit down, babe?”
“Yeah, right,” I said. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Babe,” he said, his voice a soft, low warning.
“I just can’t sit still!” I cried.
“I know,” he said, shaking his head. “I feel the same way. I just want to punch something.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said.
“I should have never left you alone,” he insisted, running a hand through his long, dark hair.
“You had no idea this was going to happen, Ryder,” I replied, shaking my head.
“Look, you two are a fucking mess right now, okay?” Slade walked in, taking one look at us and shaking his head. “Even if we had leads to follow, you two need to be out of the fray. You’re going to have to let us handle this. I just got off the phone with Riot and he’s going to start working his way down the list he made. We’re going to check out each person personally.”
I looked at him and the other Gods standing behind him in the hallway, grateful for each of them. Tears filled my eyes and I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Breaking down in front of them was not something I wanted to do again, though.
“I need to use the restroom,” I said, stepping around Ryder and avoiding his eyes, filled with concern and pain and probably a perfect mirror of my own.
I wandered down the hall in search of the bathroom. As soon as I closed the door, I took a deep breath and then another.
Tears stung my eyes and I tried to hold them back long enough to make it to the stall, so I could have complete privacy for the breakdown I knew was coming.
I’d just locked the door when my phone rang.
I answered it quickly, hoping for some word about Sadie. “Hello?”
“Hello, Grace. It’s Mona.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
MONA
“Mona?” Grace asked, her voice full of bewilderment. “I don’t have time to deal with you right now. I can’t believe you’re calling me.”
“I want Libby.”
“What did I just say?” Grace asked, her voice shaking. She was a mess, I could tell by just the few words she’d spoken. Good. Now she had a taste of what I felt like. She needed to understand the pain she’d put me through. “I can’t help you. Libby doesn’t want anything to do with you. I have to go —.”
“— I’ll trade you.”
“Trade me?” she asked. “You don’t have anything I want, Mona.”
“I have Sadie.”
The silence cracked through the phone like something breaking. Her breath, ragged and pained, found its way to my ear and I smiled again.
She’s a mess, I thought.
“In fact, she’s cuddled safely in my arms right now,” I continued. “She’s beautiful, Grace. Really pretty. She looks like you, you know.”
“Mona,” she whispered raggedly. “Please.”
“No need to beg, don’t be pathetic,” I replied. “I told you I’d trade you. My daughter for your daughter. Seems only fair, don’t you think?”
“Libby’s an adult. I don’t own her, and neither do you.”
“I know that,” I replied, wrinkling my brow. “Do you think I’m a monster? Oh, you probably do, don’t you?” I sighed. “Nobody ever understands me, Grace. I only want to do good. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone.”
“You’ve hurt a lot of people, Mona. You’re hurting me now.”
“Oh,” I quipped, “well, to be frank, you’re the exception. You hurt me. So, it’s only fitting you get a taste of your own medicine. I’ll be honest with you, though. This baby of yours? I don’t really feel anything for her. I look at her and there’s just nothing. Did you feel like that when you took Libby from me?”
“I didn’t take Libby from you, Mona.”
“You did, though.
”
“Mona, please, just tell me where you are and I’ll be right there.”
I took a deep breath and the baby stirred, cooing softly.
“Can you hear her?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied raggedly, her voice barely a whisper.
“I’ll text you an address. But you can’t call the cops, Grace. You can’t bring that army of cock that follows you around, either. Just you and Libby. In fact, I have people watching you and your precious clubhouse, so I’ll know if they’re on the move. If you bring anyone else, you’ll never hear that sweet little sound again. Do you believe me?”
“Yes,” she cried.
The poor woman’s heart was breaking. She was probably paralyzed with fear. My heart filled with joy.
“What if Libby says no?” she asked.
“Then I guess you don’t get Sadie back,” I replied. “Like I said, it’s only fair.”
I hung up before she could say anything else.
I didn’t want to hear her cry.
I mean, I wanted her to cry. I wanted her anguish to be ten times as strong as what I’d felt.
But she should suffer alone.
Just like I did.
I looked down at her baby, her tiny little hand wrapped around my finger.
“You’re so fragile,” I said to her. She smiled up at me, her big eyes darting around and seeing nothing and everything all at once. “So vulnerable. It would be so very, very easy to stop those little lungs from breathing.”
I smiled down at her, caressing her fat little cheek. Bending my head, I brushed my lips across her soft forehead before placing her back into the portable crib I’d set up in the hotel room. Staring down at her wiggling little body, I sighed.
“I’m pretty sure your mama loves you, though,” I said. “And as long as she does what I say, you get to keep breathing, little one.”
I covered her gently with the blanket and turned off the light near her crib. I grabbed my phone and texted an address and time to Grace and laid down on the bed, my head swimming with what I’d say to Libby when I finally got to see her.
I had so much to say.
I just needed her to listen.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
LIBBY
“You sure are quiet this morning,” Julia said, as I stood at the kitchen counter spreading butter on my toast. “Everything okay?”
“Bad night, I guess,” I said. “I didn’t get much sleep.”
Julia nodded, respectively. She’d been pretty great about not pushing me to talk when I didn’t want to, which was most of the time. I’d kept most of the details of what I’d gone through to myself. Why put anyone else through that?
Julia assumed my sleeplessness was attributed to the lingering trauma I’d suffered at Mona’s hands, and while that may have been the case a few months ago, there was an entirely new cause of distress for me.
I was lying about the sleeplessness.
I was sleeping fine. Long restful sessions that left me dreaming deeply.
It was the dreams that were getting to me.
For the last week, I’d dreamt of having sex with Bullet every single night. Each dream was more explicit than the last, leading up to last night, when I’d finally reached the end of the dream, which left me writhing violently in my bed, my body seized in a full-body orgasm until my screams woke me up and I found myself completely alone and breathlessly tangled in my sheets, sweat pouring between my breasts, and my hand firmly grinding into my crotch.
I was a mess.
So, yeah, this morning, I was a little more quiet than usual.
But how could I tell Julia all that? I couldn’t. So, I committed myself to a little white lie and lied to my best friend’s face and let her think I was traumatized.
I know, I’m terrible.
I’m trying not to beat myself up over it, though.
My therapist tells me I need to take care of myself first. Well, that one time I went to therapy, that is. So, here I am doing just that.
Lying to keep from embarrassing myself. Seems healthy to me.
“You sure you’re okay? I saw the news and they haven’t found the baby yet.”
“That’s terrible,” I said. “But yes, I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“Okay, then.” Julia kisses me on the cheek on her way out the door, a flurry of turquoise chiffon and Chanel No. 5 and blonde curls. “Call me if you need me!” She sing-songs out the door and suddenly I’m alone again.
Just me.
And the man haunting my thoughts.
It’s been months and I’m still thinking about him. I even tried to replace him, going out on a date with one of Julia’s friends. It was a nightmare of a date, and all I could do was sit there and compare him to Bullet.
He was a young, hipster entrepreneur with a condo in the Pearl and the obligatory BMW, but I just kept staring at his tiny little wrists throughout the entire date. They were smaller than mine. And his skin was so…bare.
No scars. No ink.
He took me to Masu for sushi, sitting across the table from me like he’d just walked off a magazine page and he wouldn’t stop talking about his job creating apps. It took everything I had not to fall asleep.
The sushi was the best part of the evening, and when we got back to my place, he expected to be invited in. I let him in for a drink and quickly realized he was of the opinion that the two hundred dollar sushi he’d paid for also came with a bonus roll in the hay.
I took one look at those skinny fingers and knew it would be a hard pass for me.
He wasn’t happy. But I didn’t care. Not even the next day when I got an earful of disappointed sighs from Julia.
I didn’t see myself with Bullet, but I didn’t want to be with anyone else either.
Did I mention what a mess I am?
I missed my pre-Mona life like crazy.
Everything was normal, uneventful. And yet, I was completely fulfilled and satisfied. I knew I was adopted, but my parents are so incredible, none of that mattered to me. I had no desire to know who my real parents were, because I had parents that loved me.
There were no empty spots, there was nothing missing.
I had school and Julia, and my art. I figured I’d find love eventually, when I was ready, but I had everything I needed.
Now, there were days I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea if I was going in the right direction. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life.
I wasn’t even sure who I was any more.
Knowing Mona, knowing her blood ran through me, insane and dangerous and unpredictable, had left me questioning everything I’d ever believed about myself.
Would I inherit her insanity?
Does the evil that runs through her veins also run through mine?
She’s a brilliant artist. I’d been drawn to her long before she’d kidnapped me. Is that why I’m an artist now?
Did something inside of me know she was my mother?
Did something inside of her know I was her daughter?
There were so many unanswered and disturbing questions that most days I was just going through the motions of life, my head spinning, my heart bleeding like an unattended wound. Part of me wanted to call Bullet and collapse into his loving arms, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t use him that way. He wasn’t meant to be my therapist. It wasn’t up to him to save me.
Not then, when we were caged together in that tiny basement.
And not now, when I’m locked into my own mental hell.
No, I have to figure a way out on my own. And I will. Eventually.
Until then, I’ll just smile and fake my way through my days.
I wake up. I go to work. I go to the studio. And I go to bed.
Rinse and repeat, day after day, until hopefully the pain will finally wash away.
Showered and dressed, I walked though my morning routine still lost in my dream. Images of Bullet flashed in my head. His eyes, smoldering and hu
ngry, raking over my body. His large, rough hands, sliding over my hips, his thick fingers digging into my hips, his forearms flexing as he held me tightly as he finally pushed inside of me, his entire weight deliciously pressing me into the bed, his slow, searching kiss that I couldn’t get enough of…
When the phone rang, it took three rings before I even heard it.
When I saw it was Grace, my heart skipped a beat.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
GRACE
Libby said no. Who can blame her?
I hung up the phone with a heavy heart but more determined than ever to get my baby back. At least I knew Sadie was alive and who had her.
Mona had really done a number on Libby. I hated that I was the one that opened up that huge can of worms for her. If I’d never told Mona her name, none of this would have happened. It was all my fault.
My gut twisted as I thought about what the best plan forward was. If Libby wouldn’t cooperate, I certainly couldn’t make her.
There was one thing I knew for certain, though. I couldn’t do this alone. My mind was too clouded with emotion. I needed the collective intelligence and resources of Solid Ground if I was ever going to get Sadie back.
I walked back out of the bathroom ten minutes later looking as if I’d just been run over by a truck.
“Ryder, we need to talk,” I said. He was standing with Slade and they both turned to me with concern. “Mona has the baby.”
“Mona!” Slade roared. “That fucking bitch!”
“What!” Ryder exclaimed. “Where are they?”
“Let’s go, we need to make a plan,” I said, hurrying down the hallway. They followed me, fuming, their anger and mine palpable as we walked out into the parking lot of KATU.
“I’ve been itching for another chance to get at that woman,” Slade said as soon as the door closed. “She’s completely insane.”
“I don’t know where they are yet,” I said. “She called me while I was in the bathroom. Said she’d trade Sadie for Libby.”
“Libby doesn’t want anything to do with her,” Slade said.
GODS & ANGELS: GODS OF CHAOS MC: BOOK ELEVEN Page 3