The Rise and Rise of Tabitha Baird

by Arabella Weir

  But there is such a thing as justice. It’s not like I’m naughty and rude all the time, so I don’t deserve to get into trouble for something I haven’t even actually done. But get this …

  Today we had a supply teacher for lesson three. She walked into class and, before doing anything else including putting her books down, she said, ‘Which one of you is Tabitha Baird?’

  Obviously everyone looked at me, so I made a face and, after what I’d decided was a long enough pause to annoy her, but not send her over the edge, said ‘Me’, but not very loudly, so that she’d have to look around the classroom and sort of guess where the ‘me’ came from.

  But she didn’t, she looked straight at me, like she’d known all along it was me – and also everyone was looking at me, so, like, duh – and said, ‘Right, I’ve heard all about you, Tabitha Baird, and I’m not going to wait for you to disrupt this class as, I’m told, you inevitably will.’ She then looked quickly around the room and spotted an empty table at the front. (Of course it was empty. No one ever chooses to sit up front, not even Grace.) ‘Please sit there where I can keep an eye on you and you won’t be able to disturb anyone.’

  I was stunned. I could not believe it. I happened not to have even been talking when she’d walked into the room.

  I was not about to take this lying down. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I had actually done something, but I hadn’t … Well, not by then, obviously – I hadn’t had a chance. And it doesn’t matter if I had been going to do something to wind her up. The fact is, I was completely innocent and she was judging me without a fair trial. I was really cross.

  ‘If you don’t mind me saying, Miss, I don’t think that’s very fair. I might have been misrepresented by the staff you heard talking about me or I might have turned over a new leaf since then,’ I said to her.

  A few of the class sniggered, which I was pleased about, but them doing that obviously wasn’t going to help make Miss believe what I was saying.

  ‘Very funny, now pick up your things and come over here, right now,’ she said.

  I looked at Emz and A’isha, and gave them a really sad look. I wasn’t joking, I was sad.

  A’isha laughed – typical. I think she thought I was putting it on. But Emz gave me a sad look back. I really, really didn’t want to sit away from them and I really, really didn’t want to sit on my own. On my own! I mean, what is the point of being at school in the first place, if you can’t sit with your best friends and chat? I would literally, actually, in real life, die of boredom if I just sat in class and only did the boring work the stupid teachers give us. I don’t know how anyone just does that.

  I picked my things up as noisily as I could, stomped over to the table she’d pointed at, and then dragged the chair out really slowly so it scraped on the floor loudly.

  Miss didn’t bat an eyelid though. Oh man, she’s a tough one.

  When the bell went, I gave Miss a super-growly stare but she just said, ‘Goodbye, Tabitha, I hope you saw the benefits of working on your own.’

  What a smarty-pants. If we have her again I am definitely, definitely going to have to get the better of her.

  At lunch Emz asked A’isha and me if we wanted to go round to hers after school on Friday! How cool is that? I’m so pleased. I can’t wait to see what her parents are like. If they’re rich their house is going to be huge and they’ll probably be lovely. Rich people usually have no problems and so are much calmer and nicer than people like Mum.

  Mum was calmer before Dad lost everything. Not that we were ever rich, but we were richer than we are now which is can’t-even-afford-school-lunches poor.

  A’isha’s on free school meals, so I guess her family must be quite poor too. I wonder if we’re poor enough for free school meals. I don’t think Mum knows about them. Hmm, can’t decide whether to tell her or not. I think I’d feel a bit funny about being on free school meals, even though A’isha is. I don’t know why – maybe it’s because it means you are definitely, officially poor.

  There are loads of kids on free school meals at HAC and it’s not like they’re any different to the rest of us, or anyone even knows or cares. Maybe I’m just getting used to my new life. I don’t know, it still feels a bit weird, but I do like Emz and A’isha waaaay more than anyone at my old school.

  When I got home Luke and Mum were playing Scrabble at the kitchen table. Please shoot me now. Scrabble? What kind of kid actually wants to play Scrabble, and worst of all with their own mother? I know the answer to that already – my little brother Luke. Luke is that kind of kid. A swotty, goody-two-shoes, nerdy suck-up with no friends. If he’d been playing with Gran then I’d have thought okay, cos it is a sort of granny’s game, isn’t it, and it’s nice to do things for Gran – but with Mum? Come on!

  Mum asked if I wanted to join in, which was so obviously a completely lame question she must have meant it sarcastically. I didn’t even bother to answer and went up to my room and locked my door. There was no reason to, but it felt so good to be able to.

  When I went into the bathroom later I nearly choked. Luke had put up a Post-it note of his own above the loo, just like mine. Idiot. Typical of him to copy me.

  In fact, he’d put two huge ones up because he’d practically written an essay!

  THERE ARE 12 STEPS DOWN AND 4 AVERAGE-LENGTH STRIDES ACROSS THE LANDING FROM MY ROOM TO REACH THIS TOILET (WHERE YOU ARE READING THIS), COMPARED TO ANOTHER 12 STEPS, (MAKING A TOTAL OF 24 STEPS) PLUS 6 AVERAGE-LENGTH STRIDES (MAKING A TOTAL OF 10 STRIDES) TO REACH THE DOWNSTAIRS TOILET.

  THEREFORE I HEREBY INFORM ALL CONCERNED (THAT’S YOU, TABITHA) THAT I WILL BE USING THIS TOILET WHENSOEVER I REQUIRE.

  Ooh, I could strangle him, the little know-it-all. ‘Whensoever I require?’ ‘I hereby inform?’ Had he swallowed a dictionary before he wrote it or something? Stuck-up nerdy-pants. Honestly!

  I took the notes down straight away, of course. I might not be able to stop him using the same loo as me, but I’m not going to leave his cretinous notes up, am I? There was a real reason for my note. It was necessary because of him not aiming his disgusting wee correctly. My note had serious, proper instructions that he needs to follow for everyone else’s sake. It wasn’t a joke. His notes are just some stupid imitation of mine, and obviously only put there to annoy me. I’m not going to let him know the notes did annoy me of course – he’d love that. I’m not going to mention them at all. Hah! See how he likes that – all his ‘whensoever, I hereby inform’ lah-di-dah rubbish will just go completely ignored.

  At supper Mum told me that Luke was going to go and see Dad for a few days over half-term and asked if I wanted to go too. Oh god, I wish she’d warned me before she’d made the announcement. I don’t know what to do. Obviously I think about Dad and I miss him and everything, but I sort of don’t want to go and stay with him because it’s all changed now. I’m getting used to our new life here, without him but with Gran, Basil and, best of all, of course, Emz and A’isha.

  If he’s not here and we can’t see him every day and can’t have a normal life with a mum and a dad who live together and don’t row the whole time, then I don’t really want to have to think about him and deal with what he’s like now and how he’s changed because of the drinking. I am cross.

  I was wondering what to say, when Gran gave me a really sweet smile and said, ‘Why don’t you think about it for a bit?’ before I had a chance to say anything.

  Mum was obviously annoyed with Gran for saying that. ‘Thanks, Mother, I’ll be the one dealing with him (she doesn’t use Dad’s name any more) if Tabitha ends up not going!’

  Gran gave Mum one of those looks that means, ‘I’m not going to say what I’m really thinking,’ and then actually said, ‘A little sensitivity, don’t you think, Kat?’ and then she turned to Basil, who was sitting on his back legs by Gran’s chair with his paws up, waiting for the scraps she feeds him like he always does when we’re eating (I don’t know why she doesn’t just get him his own chair so he can
actually sit at the table with us) and said, ‘Your sister’s never been very sensitive, has she, Basil? Not like you, no, you are very sensitive, aren’t you, my darling lad?’ Then Gran replied, in her special Basil voice,‘Yes, Mummy, I am a very sensitive and caring doggie.’

  It was hilarious. Mum looked like she was going to explode. ‘God, Mother, you are so irritating. You do this on purpose to annoy me. I am sensitive! How could a dog possibly be more sensitive than me, a human?’ Mum shouted at Gran.

  Luke and I looked at each other and started laughing. It is so funny when Mum gets wound up by Gran.

  To make matters worse, then Gran replied, ‘I don’t know, darling. That’s a question only you can answer.’

  Mum made a growling, angry sound and then said, ‘Well, good luck getting Basil to push you around in your wheelchair when you’re old and frail and can’t take care of yourself!’

  Luke and I nearly fell off our chairs we were laughing so hard.

  ‘And I’m sure he will, won’t you, sweetie? You can push a wheelchair because you’re a very clever doggie,’ Gran said to Basil, giving him a big kiss – on the lips, yuck, mankenstein. I love Basil but kissing a dog on the lips – come on, vom-making-city.

  ‘Oh, you’re impossible!’ Mum said, as she picked up her plate and marched over to the sink. Gran then gave Luke and me a naughty look, like she was asking us ‘Did you enjoy that?’

  I do feel a bit sorry for Mum when Gran pits Basil against her. I’m sure Gran does love Mum more than her dog but she also enjoys winding Mum up, which is a bit silly for a grown-up woman who is a granny. I know I like winding Mum up but she’s my mum and I’m a teenager – that is what I’m supposed to do. I wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t. Sometimes Gran seems more like another teenage daughter than Mum’s mum.

  I guess I will think about going to see Dad, but I wish I didn’t have to. It would be nice to see him and maybe he’ll be a bit better and a bit more together and maybe not drinking. I hope so.

  Today’s the day I’m going to Emz’s house after school – I cannot wait! I just had a fight with Mum at breakfast about getting back from there, though. She tried to insist she was coming to pick me up! There is NO WAY Mum is coming round to Emz’s and maybe meeting her parents. I would literally rather die!

  I just know Mum would be super embarrassing and would wear something awful from a second-hand shop or, as bad, start talking about her blog and maybe even suggest they read it, or she’d talk about splitting up with Dad. Whatever she’d do, say or wear she would, for sure, totally and definitely have embarrassed me to death.

  I mean, to start with, we don’t even have a car any more, so that would mean Mum walking up to their house and, if it was cold, probably wearing one of those stupid hats Gran’s knitted for her with a pom-pom on top. Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than your own mother wearing a pom-pom hat? Oh, wait a minute, yes, I can – your mum wearing one and walking a dog wearing a matching one! And Mum probably would have told Emz’s parents that she’d had to walk because her ‘ex’ had lost all our money, blah, blah, blah, and now we couldn’t even afford a car. Oh god, I can’t even bear to think about it.

  Eventually I told Mum that I just wouldn’t go to Emz’s at all if she didn’t let me walk back with A’isha. I told her that A’isha lives in those flats round the back, not that far from us, which isn’t completely true, but we could walk a bit of the way home together. In the end, good old Gran persuaded Mum I’d be fine and reminded her that she used to walk back home from her mates’ when she was my age.

  I am not a baby. I am thirteen years old – nearly a grown-up. As I keep saying, in some countries I could be married with children by this age. Bleurgh, yuck, puke, what a disgusting idea, though – but you know what I mean. If it’s okay to have a husband at my age somewhere in the world, then I think it should be okay to walk home not too late at night.

  Just back from Emz’s house. So much to tell, but first of all, guess what? Guess who I saw walking back? Yes, Snap-Dog Boy! I left Emz’s just before nine o’ clock. Mum had made me promise I’d be back by nine for some reason. Yeah, because, like, obviously murderers and muggers and people who are just generally evil all keep a really tight schedule and never go out until after nine!

  A’isha had to leave earlier – her dad had said she couldn’t stay after seven and had come to pick her up, which I think was really mean of him. But she said she was lucky he’d let her come at all as he doesn’t usually let her go to people’s houses, and then only if he’s met their parents or been to their house first. She joked that it’s all part of his Messed-up Muslim rules, so I guess it was good she got to be there for a bit. After she’d gone, Emz and me did a bit more Googling and watched a bit of TV, but it wasn’t as much fun as when all three of us were together.

  I walked home, it’s pretty much the same way I go with Basil when I take him out, but it’s a tiny bit further. I am NOT going to tell Mum, but it was actually a bit scary, especially without Basil. I didn’t see anyone creepy but I just felt a bit, I don’t know, alone, I suppose. It was getting a bit dark, obviously, and there weren’t very many people around and I just kept thinking someone was going to jump out of a bush or something. They didn’t, but it did feel very nice when I got home and Gran answered the door.

  Anyway, I saw HIM in the same place as last time, just at the top of the main road. Snap-Dog Boy was coming towards me with his dog. I saw him before he saw me, which meant I had time to think about what to say. I started walking really slowly so I had more time. As I got close to him I sort of smiled, but only a bit, you know, not like a crazy smile, like I’m his biggest fan or anything. I didn’t want to look too like, ‘Oh, hello, I’ve been dreaming about bumping into you again for ages and talking about it with my two best friends!’ Just an ordinary smile like you’d give to someone from a different class to yours at school who you don’t know that well – that sort of smile. Not a full smile, more of a half smile, you know?

  At first he gave me a blank look and then, thank god, said, ‘Oh, I didn’t recognise you without your dog!’

  I laughed, a bit too loudly I think, and then we both just stood there, not saying anything, which was really embarrassing.

  I wish I’d had Basil with me. Then I could easily have thought up a dog-related question! But I was so pleased to see him again and it was absolutely brilliant that he remembered me.

  I’ll take Basil out tomorrow. Hope I see Snap-Dog Boy again. I must think up a couple of good, casual things to say, casually, and practise them first, too, so they don’t sound all rehearsed and like I’ve thought about them for ages, which I will have done, obvs, but he mustn’t realise that.

  It was great at Emz’s. Her house isn’t as massive as I thought it would be, but it was really lovely. Practically everything was white, even the floor. We had to take our shoes off the nanosecond we got in the door. Thank god I didn’t have Basil with me – he’d have wrecked the place in about two minutes. There were white sofas in the living room, and all the walls were white, too. Emz said we weren’t allowed in the living room. She was obviously a bit embarrassed about that, so I didn’t say anything, but I did think it was a bit weird.

  The three of us went into the kitchen. That was all white, too – not one scrap of any other colour. You couldn’t even see the fridge or cooker – everything was behind white cupboards, which looked like the walls.

  It turned out her parents weren’t there. Her mum had left a note and a few snacks out for us – crisps and a pizza (only one!) and stuff like that – which I guess was nice of her but it did feel a bit weird and sad that there was no one there, especially as Emz is an only child.

  I could tell Emz minded because she said, out of nowhere, ‘Mum and Dad are never in when I get back. Actually they’re hardly ever here at any time. I don’t care!’ But I think she does.

  After we’d eaten all of the snacks (I was still hungry but I didn’t want to say anything in case I made Em
z feel bad and I didn’t want to seem like a pig), Emz went and got her laptop. It’s a really swanky one and looked nearly new. She didn’t say anything about it and she wasn’t at all show-offy. She might not have parents who are ever around but she does get things like that instead. Not bad, I say.

  We mucked about for a bit, Googling random stuff. Then I had an idea. I felt a bit bad but sort of wanted to make sure we all had a really good time together at Emz’s house, I guess, so that neither of them could go away thinking it had been a bit boring and it had been a mistake to have had me over there as well, instead of just the two of them. A’isha would obviously have been there loads of times before I came to HAC … So, I suggested we look at my mum’s blog for a laugh.

  Oh man, even though it was my own mum, and I suppose it was a bit mean of me, it was so worth it! Mum’s blog is all about me, and how badly behaved I am and how I never do anything and never help and how I always side with Gran and Basil (!!!) against her. It was hilarious.

  Emz and A’isha were killing themselves laughing! At first they thought Basil was my brother or uncle and I had to explain to them that he was a dog, and about Gran always putting Basil up against Mum, and how Gran treats him like he’s her child. They couldn’t believe my mum – a grown-up woman (well, sort of) – was jealous of a dog!

  The best bit was that they both said their mums complained about exactly the same things (though not the Basil stuff, obvs). I was really relieved to hear that because, while we were reading it, I suddenly panicked that they might think Mum was right and change their opinions of me.