Three hours.
Well damn.
“Guess I missed that interview then?” I asked sheepishly, ducking my head in embarrassment.
“I’ve cancelled every interview you’ve had for the past week, Park, what makes you think I wouldn’t have cancelled that one too?”
“You told me it was on.” I looked up at him.
“I lied.” He looked me dead in the eye.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath.
“Fuck, indeed,” he drawled.
We sat in silence for what seemed like forever…. me trying my hardest to find a way through this fog that had descended within my brain. It didn’t seem to matter which way I tried to get out, she was always there, blocking my way, making it impossible to move forward.
I knew I’d lost something I couldn’t replace.
Trying to get over Charlotte was like trying to get over slamming your balls in a car door – it hurt to even think about it.
I couldn’t write, I couldn’t play my guitar with any resemblance of talent… I wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t a rock star… I wasn’t anything.
That was the real reason I was in here, making a piss-poor attempt at playing the drums.
“What do you wanna do, man?” Jasper finally asked.
It was a simple question, but I knew exactly what he meant.
Was I done?
Could I go on?
“I… I need…” I choked out. “I just need a break,” I finally admitted.
I still couldn’t look at him.
“Well thank fuck for that,” he replied quietly.
My head jerked up in surprise, my now slightly-too-long hair falling into my eyes.
“You’re not pissed?” I asked in surprise.
He shook his slowly. “Nothing to be pissed about, man. It is what it is.” He shrugged. “You need a break. That’s a fact. No one would want to hear you the way you are now anyway… your heart’s not in it.”
My chest constricted at his mention of my heart. I wasn’t sure that I even had a heart anymore. Charlotte could very well have taken that with her too.
My heart… my sanity… my everything…
Jasper pushed up to his feet and picked up the drumsticks I’d thrown across the room. “I’m taking these fucking things.”
“I’m sorry, J,” I mumbled, unsure of what else I could possibly say.
“Don’t be.” He shook his head quickly. “You deserve some time out. I’m gonna make the next three months disappear, and we’ll see how it goes from there. Okay?”
I nodded my head. “Okay.”
I felt like a total bastard. This wasn’t just my life, it was Jasper’s too. He was doing his best to sympathise with me, but the reality was, he just didn’t understand. He couldn’t. He’d never had to lose anything that meant this much to him.
He couldn’t possibly understand the soul-destroying pain of watching your life, your future, your whole world, walk out the door and not come back.
I hope he never has to.
136 days later
The gaping hole in my chest ripped a little wider at the mention of his name on the TV screen in front of me. I’d done pretty well with steering clear of Parker for these past few months.
I grabbed the remote and hurriedly hit the red ‘off’ button.
Avoiding him was like trying to avoid the plague. His name was everywhere. In just that one segment I’d heard enough to know that he was still M.I.A. from the music scene.
He’d cancelled all of his shows, tours, interviews… everything these past few months.
Word on the street was that he wasn’t writing or playing anymore either.
The thought of his talent going to waste threatened to destroy me. Parker lived and breathed music; it was as much a part of him as the tattoos on his skin. I didn’t know why he was stepping away from his passion, but it hurt.
Is it all my fault?
I’d thought that maybe it was, but my brain had told me not to be so stupid. There was no way that losing me could cause him to be unable to play.
Or could it?
I think deep down, I knew it was my fault. I’d achieved the very thing I was trying to avoid happening.
I broke him.
I thought about him day and night, no matter what I was doing, he was always on my mind, and I knew Parker had loved me as much as I’d loved him, so he was bound to be hurting too.
The situation wasn’t exactly helped by the fact that Hannah and Jasper had come out with the news of their relationship about a month ago.
They’d been keeping it quiet this whole time – ever since that first night.
Hannah had explained that it’d only ever meant to be a one-night stand, but with Parker and I causing them to spend so much time together, it’d quickly turned into a three-, five-, then ten-night stand. From there they’d realized that it was so much more than just sex.
Hannah promised me that they had wanted to tell us, but when Parker and I had broken up; they didn’t feel like the timing was right. He was the one I’d caught her going on a date with – that was the reason she wouldn’t tell me who the guy was.
I got it.
They were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It still hurts.
It hurt that my best friend had secrets… it hurt that I was the cause of her having to keep them, and shittiest of all… it hurt that she was blissfully happy when I’d never felt more miserable or alone.
I wanted Hannah to be happy… and Jasper too. They were great together. But I was green with envy, and green wasn’t a colour I wanted to be.
Hannah had even stopped buying her beloved gossip magazines. Parker dropping off the grid had seemed to make the media want a piece of him now more than ever and it was hard to find even one that didn’t have his photo splashed all over the cover. There were endless paparazzi stalking his every move and asking questions of his sudden, unexplained absence from the music industry.
I was grateful for the disappearance of those glossy pages. I made a point of never seeking out news about him, but if it was put in front of me, I rarely had the willpower to resist.
That man still called to me like nothing I’d ever experienced.
I was torn. Nearly every day I regretted my decision to end our relationship. I’d pulled his number up on the screen of my phone more times than I could count, but I couldn’t bring myself to hit call.
I was pathetic. Stuck on a man I’d chosen not be with.
He’d have moved on by now…
That’s what I tried to convince myself of anyway.
I knew Hannah was talking to me.
Asking me something maybe?
I just couldn’t make myself focus long enough to listen – that, and I wasn’t sure I even cared. I didn’t care about much these days.
“That’s it!” Hannah screeched at Jasper.
I flinched, there was no missing that level of noise.
“I’m not pussyfooting around him any longer. We’re sorting this shit, and we’re sorting it right god damn now!” she yelled at the top of her voice.
Uh oh.
“Yes, ma’am,” Jasper drawled, grabbing a hold of Hannah and pulling her back against his front, a giant smile on his face as though he loved it when she got all crazy and riled up like this.
They were an interesting mix, those two, where Hannah was fiery and full on, Jasper was chilled and relaxed. They were like night and day in a lot of ways.
“You want Charlotte back, right?” she demanded, turning her crazy-ass rage on me now.
Shit.
I flinched at the off-limits topic, but this time, instead of withdrawing and running away, I took a deep breath and decided it was time. They say time heals all wounds, but I was beginning to think that that theory was nothing but a crock of shit – I wasn’t any happier now than when she’d walked away from me months ago.
Time to face the music.
Do I want her back?
“More than anything,” I told her honestly.
Hannah gaped at me. The woman put on a brave façade, but I could tell in that moment that she hadn’t expected me to be honest with her.
“Right…well, good...” She stumbled through her words. “We need a plan.” Hannah wiggled free from J and began to pace the room.
She had obviously realised that this was an opportunity she needed to pounce on and she was intending to do exactly that.
“Is there anything she ever said that hit a nerve with you? Anything you think was really important to her?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled unhelpfully.
“Seriously?”
“I don’t know…” I shrugged. “She said a lot of things…”
“She’s the one who ran; maybe I should be having a talk with her instead,” she threatened.
I knew she was just trying to spur me into action. Any form of threat towards Charlotte and I’d do whatever it took to stop it from happening. Hannah knew that as well as I did.
“Hannah…” I warned. “This isn’t her fault.”
It was my crazy life that had been the problem, but I could change that… and it was time I took responsibility and tried to get her back instead of just sitting around like a loser.
Hannah huffed out a breath. “Well she’s as miserable as you are, if not more so, so get thinking,” she demanded.
I’d insisted that neither Jasper nor Hannah speak to me about Charlotte… at all, I didn’t even want to hear her name. I was terrified of hearing that she’d moved on, or that she was happy without me.
But she misses me too…
It was unfair of me, but I was thrilled to hear that Charlotte wasn’t coping without me either.
I might actually have a shot at getting her back.
I had to hand it to Hannah; she was a fucking good friend to Charlotte… and to me. Jasper was too, he’d put up with my mood swings, cancelled gigs, and he’d managed to sweep my public outbursts under the carpet.
Jasper and Hannah had both been so patient with me.
Even before they came out as a couple.
It was fuckin’ cute that they’d thought they were hiding their relationship. I’d known those two were a thing before even they did. They’d made sexy eyes at each other from day one… it was obvious. That, and their piss-poor attempts at sneaking around next door were a pretty good indicator that there was something more than friendship going on between them.
I was happy for them, and it was a relief that they’d finally just come out with it… but witnessing their happiness made me pine for Charlotte even more.
I missed her more than I would have thought possible.
“Seriously, Park, there must have been something?” Hannah demanded, pulling me from my thoughts.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to picture Charlotte for the first time in months.
I thought about her eyes, her long red hair, her voice, her scent, the sway of her hips, her laugh…
I sighed in contentment.
Charlotte…
She’s so funny… and beautiful… and smart… and insightful…
My eyes flickered open.
All of a sudden, I knew what to do.
I had a pretty good feeling that Hannah was up to something. She wasn’t exactly known for her stealthy skills or her ability to keep her emotions off her face. So, when she’d slunk in earlier, doing a piss-poor job of appearing casual, I’d gone on high alert.
Nothing had happened yet, but I wasn’t ready to accept that I was in the clear.
My eyes darted towards the door for the fiftieth time in the past hour. I dropped my book down on the couch with a sigh. I was so on edge, I’d read the same page ten times and I still didn’t have the faintest idea what it said.
“Want some popcorn?” Hannah asked as she strolled into the room, a big bowl full in her hands.
“You watching a movie?” I asked.
She checked the time on her watch. “I was just gonna see what was on,” she answered vaguely.
“Okay,” I agreed, sliding over so she could sit down.
She grabbed the remote and sank down next to me.
I grabbed a handful of popcorn as the TV screen flickered to life.
Oh. My. God.
The popcorn slipped through my fingers and went all over the couch as I stared at the screen in front of me.
It was Parker. And not some old footage from one of his concerts like I’d accidently witnessed a couple of weeks back.
This was Parker right now. The ‘LIVE’ label on the bottom of the screen was testament to that.
He looked scruffy, like he needed a trip to the barber to sort out his hair and his whiskers, but it was him. And it was even better than I remembered.
“Hannah,” I whispered, unable to look away.
I squeezed her thigh when she didn’t answer. “He needs a haircut,” I mumbled.
“He wouldn’t let me,” she whispered back.
“Hannah…” I said again, totally unsure of what the hell I was seeing.
“He had to do something,” she replied quietly.
What exactly that something was hit me like a ton of bricks.
This is for me.
He was back on his old street corner.
Where it all began…
He was there, his favourite acoustic guitar in his hands and he was playing my song.
He’s showing me how far he’s come.
I hadn’t heard this song in months and my eyes prickled with tears hearing the perfection of it now.
“Han, is this…” I choked out half of a sentence.
Hannah reached for my hand and squeezed. “He’s lost without you, Lotte, he did this for you, because he wants you back.”
I let out a whimper, still staring in disbelief at the screen.
“You’re not happy without him, Charlotte, in fact you’re miserable. And I know you said you can’t live with the fame and his life, but, hun, I think you have to figure out a way, because it seems like you can’t live without him either.”
She was right.
So right.
I’d spent all these months convincing myself I couldn’t live my life under a microscope, but I’d been ignoring the fact that I didn’t know how to be me without him anymore. He made me lighter, happier, and somehow, he made me feel free – even with the constraints of his life bearing down on us.
“How do I fix this, Han?” I asked, finally pulling my eyes from the image of the man I loved.
She smiled and let out a relieved breath, as though I’d just said the words she’d been waiting to hear. “There’s a car downstairs.”
I gaped at her. “He sent a car for me? What if I didn’t change my mind?”
She shook her head quickly and her expression turned all gooey. I knew then that it was Jasper’s doing. Hannah had never made that face about anyone other than him.
“Jasper organised the car,” she confirmed my hunch. “Parker’s plan was just to make you see that he wasn’t all sold out stadiums and groupies.”
We were both on our feet by now; I grabbed my bag and hustled out the door, Hannah hot on my heels.
“I never thought that about him,” I argued. “I just couldn’t find a way to deal with it, Han.”
Hannah hit the ground floor on the elevator and we began our descent.
“Just talk to him,” Hannah encouraged. “You’re my best friend and I love you, but what you did last time damn near killed him. I know you didn’t set out to hurt him, but you never even gave him a chance to try and make anything right,” she told me softly, speaking the words that I knew she’d felt, but had never actually said.
She blames me… and she’s right.
My eyes burned with tears. “I know,” I whispered as we arrived on the ground floor.
The doors opened, but neither one of us moved. Hannah held her finger on the button to keep the doors open.
“Why’d you run,
Charlotte? I never understood. You loved him more than anything…” she asked.
“I still do,” I told her honestly, the tears welling again.
“Then why? Was it really just because of the attention he gets from women?”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t all of it, but it played its part. Mainly, I was scared to tell him that it was too much for me…”
A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly.
“Can you imagine being the one that Parker gave up this… life for? Gave up music, performing… fame…” I asked her. “Because he would have… I know that man, and I know he would have done that for me.”
I looked into Hannah’s eyes, willing her to understand why I’d done what I did.
“I couldn’t handle it. Me. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would have given it all up for me if that’s what it took. I couldn’t do that to him. Music is his life, Han, it means everything to him. I couldn’t let him give it up for me.”
She shook her head gently in disagreement, but her eyes were soft with understanding.
“Look, I get it… I understand what you were trying to save him from,” she acknowledged. “But you’re wrong. Music wasn’t his life anymore… you were. He would have given it up because he loves you more than he loves the music,” she told me softly.
I was his life…
He loved me more than he loved the music…
The words bounced around in my mind.
I’m an idiot.
I could feel myself teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
What have I done?
“I’ve made such a terrible mistake,” I whispered, my voice was so broken I didn’t even recognise it as my own.
“Breathe, Lotte, let’s just get you to Parker. Okay? It’s not too late.” She put her hand on my back and urged me to walk forward; towards the car that would take me to the man I loved.
I sucked in a breath and nodded.
Parker…
He was all that mattered now.
I wasn’t entirely sure that playing a serenade on live television was the best idea I’d ever had – since my fame was the thing that had forced Charlotte and I apart in the first place, but it was a gesture, and it was grand.
That’s what my Nona had always said.
Paper, Scissors, Rock Page 23