I never thought I’d have to look back in my life and see the regret I’d caused in other people’s eyes. Then there was regret I had to live with too. It had been eating at me for the past two weeks as we waited to see what my daughter had inked on all of our skin.
I glanced around the club and took in the somber mood of everyone here. The members who weren’t the ones inked were waiting on tenterhooks to see what we’d allowed to be done to us. Those of us who were inked – most of us – knew we had it coming, no matter how it all turned out. The way that Lucy was always tracing that tattoo, I knew mine was going to hurt, but I also knew it would be painfully beautiful. That was the look I’d been trying to place on Lucy’s face all this time, every time she traced her fingers over the image. Beauty and reverence were splashed across her features as she remembered every detail.
The moment Ever and Deck walked into the clubhouse a hush fell over the place and didn’t break until Deck started telling people the rules and one of the whores in the back had to go and run her mouth. Fucking club whores had been the bane of my existence since my father’s time in the club. We all new he was taking what they offered instead of going home to my mom. Then there was what happened to me and what sent Lucy running. Merc and I had spoken about the need to have them here. He had his points. They had their place and served a purpose for the men without a good woman in their home, or those too stupid to want to keep the good woman they had. Still, my chest swelled with pride when Deck didn’t waste a minute of time in telling the whores they didn’t belong here. This was for family.
If I hadn’t been sure before that he was right for Ever, he would have just cemented it for me.
Ever called Crow up first. She spoke about meeting him, having him be the first to call her “The Other Princess” and mean it in a shitty way. My daughter spoke about becoming his and a few other members’ personal whipping boy for the women who had done wrong in their eyes. She had somehow become their representative. Their sins were deposited on her shoulders long before she could even understand what it was all about yet she did understand. She knew it had never been about her, and she taught a lesson about judgment that full grown men should never receive from a woman barely out of her own childhood.
PeeWee went next, and what she had to say about him nearly sent Deck on the attack, and I wasn’t far behind him. Merc stayed me just as quickly as Ever’s words kept Deck from taking action. That didn’t mean PeeWee was in the clear though. He’d pay for whatever vulgar shit he had to say to my girl when she was just a kid. There was the rude indifference and neglect she received from everyone and then there was something else that she got from PeeWee and I think he knew there would be a hefty price to pay considering the look he gave me along with the distance he put between us as he came back down off the stage. It’s a good thing too, because it was Merc’s turn to hit the stage.
One thing I could say for Ever, the tattoos she had given each of us were beautiful, with one exception. Jay. She only gave him a few words with a meaning she meant for him to decipher. It certainly wasn’t lost on anyone that he didn’t get the beautiful visuals the rest of the men had received. She wouldn’t give him that, and I didn’t blame her. I wouldn’t know if she never chose to tell me the truth about it, but I figured it was part of his punishment. Everyone else got to wear her art, but the man who had caused the direct line of events that led to her being ostracized everywhere else in her life and not just in the clubhouse. He quite literally took away the rest of her teen life.
I couldn’t fuckin’ stand this. It was like miraculously surviving while going five rounds with Daniel Cormier when you belonged in the flyweight class. Gut punch after gut punch continued to land and threatened to drop me where I stood. When I saw Toby’s tattoo I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hurt for both of my kids. I ached for Toby, because it was my fault he was in this position with his sister. I put him there. He would have gladly gone against Jay and what he had to say if I hadn’t stepped in and told him my story and influenced things. My story wasn’t theirs and it had no business being told then. It had no business being weighed against the goodness that was my daughter. I had no business calling her that after failing her for so long, but damned if I didn’t want to earn the right to do so.
Toby was so fucking gutted by his tattoo and what it meant that he’d walked off that stage without picking his kutte back up. I watched as Deck took it to Lucy who was barely holding it together. We both knew that Ever had some pretty strong feelings about the loss of her hero – her brother – in her life as a result of him lacking any faith in her. I don’t think either of us were prepared to see what that actually looked like though.
Suddenly, it was my turn. I moved as though something else was controlling my body because the very last place in this world that I wanted to be was up there on that stage. Also, the only place I needed to be was right there. It was hard to reconcile the two, but I wasn’t about to let the fear win.
Once I got up there went Deck came forward as if to take my kutte and hold it like he had for all the other brothers. I shook my head and turned to Ever. “Not that I don’t trust my brother, but I think it’s necessary for you to know that I trust you too, baby girl. I would prefer you be the one to handle my kutte.” She took it as if it was something precious to her and I saw her lip wobble. I glanced over at Deck to make sure I’d done the right thing, and felt my own kick in the ass over the fact that I had to seek that knowledge from him. He tipped his head in acknowledgment and I turned my full attention back to my daughter as I removed my shirt and turned my back to our audience and the camera. Once again, I had that feeling as if someone was remotely controlling my body’s movements, because I was at war with myself. Part of me wanted to know about my tattoo, the other part wanted to keep it a secret I held in private. This was my daughter’s pain – pain that I’d been the cause of – and thus it was also my shame. When I was brave enough to look at the screen in front of me that was projecting my back and the tattoo there. I took it in and absorbed what it meant in the still quiet of the room. No one spoke, not even Ever. She didn’t need to explain this one at all. The first thing I took in was the lonely little wounded lion club in the forefront of the image. Behind it, off in the distance was a family. A pride of lions. The male and female each had a cub on their flank and they were all headed toward a beautiful tree and not a single one of the lions from the pride were concerned with the wounded cub that had been left behind.
I didn’t even attempt to hold back the tears. She felt abandoned by her whole family. I knew she didn’t feel that way about Lucy now, but it was representative of each of us in our own way, in our own time. We had all let Ever down at some point. I turned to Ever and watched as she nodded Lucy who was seeking permission to go after Anna, who had apparently been just as affected my tattoo as the rest of our family. Ever didn’t hesitate. She knew Lucy wasn’t choosing sides. Since Ever couldn’t have Lucy at the moment though, I did next best thing I could think of. I reached over and pulled my girl into my arms and hugged the shit out of her.
“You should have never had to bleed out because of me. This should have never happened. I’m so goddamn sorry, Ever. I’m so sorry.” I spoke the words right into the side of her head, her ear, her hair. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
Something beyond us must have caught her attention though because she pulled away slightly and called out to everyone. “Wait! There’s one more before we’re finished here.”
She eased out of my arms and handed me back my kutte. My daughter then proceeded to take her button up sweater off so that she was just in a shirt that didn’t have a back to it at all aside from where it connected at the bottom and up around her neck. She turned so that the camera could pick up her back and what I saw there, etched in her skin, nearly landed me flat on my ass. All six of the men who had been tattooed were represented there our kuttes for everyone to see as we stood with our back to a little girl standing in a puddl
e of water that seemed to be made of her own tears. There was an Ace of Hearts Card on her shirt, but the color was bleeding out of the heart into the puddle leaving it empty. Lifeless. It became a void where something vibrant once belonged.
I was stunned, unable to even move a muscle as I just stared at what it all represented. Then Lucy was there on stage with us pulling Ever into her arms. “Baby girl, what did I let them do to you?” I heard her whisper to Ever. Then I watched another feat to marvel over as Deck removed his kutte and took his shirt off to place over my daughter’s body. Thank fuck. Instead of sliding his kutte back on his own though he stood there holding it out to my daughter. He gave her a choice, something I had never thought to do in all the time I’d spent in the club. Even during the time I had lost Lucy I had never seriously thought about leaving.
Here was a brother who I had watched grow from boy to man and now he was doing the only worthy thing a brother of our club had done for my daughter. He offered her the choice to keep the club in their lives or to leave it behind. She contemplated a moment, and I wished I could have known what was going through her head as she did, because in the end she moved to put his kutte right back on his body. When he asked if she was sure she responded simply with something that I would hear in my sleep for days to come. “You’ll love me better with them at your back.” She knew he’d need his family. They made him stronger. They were supposed to make all of us stronger, and from this point forward, I would make sure that we did exactly that. I couldn’t change the regrets people would have about me in this life so far, but I could make an effort to add to them.
A couple days later I did something that was start making my effort pay off. I removed myself as the Vice President of the Aces High MC – Charleston Chapter. In a surprise church meeting where all active members of our chapter were required to attend I let them all know that I wasn’t fit to lead anyone. I did throw in the nomination for the person I thought best for the job. He was voted in to take my place unanimously. It helped that our national president had handpicked him to serve as president of our newest chapter in Sierra High, Georgia. Sandman hadn’t wanted to move to ‘the sticks’ as he put it at the time when it had been offered.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t move to Georgia now?”
“Nah, I lost out on a fine ass woman there by not going. All we have here are the whores to keep us warm.”
I scoffed at that. “Speak for yourself. I haven’t fucked around with a club whore since I was 19.” Sandman’s eyes widened in shock. “Found my woman right here in Charleston, man. Best thing that ever happened to me. She wasn’t worth ever compromising myself with another whore ever again, even when we were apart that first time. Too bad I lost hope one damn night the second time.”
“Yeah, but you got a great kid out of that,” Sandman argued.
“Yeah, took me to damn long to realize that though.” Sandman clapped me on the back. “It’ll all work out, man. I envy you your family. It’s something I want for my future.”
“Might want to give up the club whores then, otherwise you’ll never find it.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right, but I’m still young. Think I’ll enjoy the free pussy buffet for a while longer.”
Another of my regrets in life would come from that conversation. I should have stuck around longer to try to change Sandman’s mind about that ‘free pussy’ because as far as I’d known them, the club whores our MC took in never always caused far more trouble than they were worth.
Chapter 25
(Lucy – age 42, Double-D – age 45)
Life. What more could I say? We’d finally gotten back to it. The past few years had been as though we were living, but dead. We each had our own demons we’d been fighting, or ones we were trying to battle for other people. It wore me slam out. All the fretting and worrying had damn near ceased over the last eight months since the tattoo unveiling, which was good because I’d found more wrinkles around the corner or my eyes this morning when I got out of the shower. I’d also found another gray hair. I immediately plucked that sucker right out of my scalp. At this rate, I’d never go gray because I’d be bald long before I allowed that to happen.
“Found another one, huh?” CJ asked me as he laughed at my circumstances while going to his sink to brush his teeth.
“It’s not funny,” I scolded him, much to his perpetual amusement.
“Darlin’, just let it happen. Look at me,” he insisted while turning so I could get a good look. Damn it all to hell he was still hot as hell. I ran my eyes down the muscled expanse of his chest and abs straight to where I knew his...
“My eyes are up here, babe.” I glanced up to see the humor twinkling behind those gorgeous sapphire orbs of his. Then he pointed to his head, which had mostly gone silver and his beard that was a mixture of his natural brown and the silver that had started creeping in. Yup, my man had turned into a sexy silver fox at some point, and I couldn’t even put my finger on when it happened. Obviously, it had been gradual, but now that I was thinking on it realty warped as it tended to do when faced with our mortality and to me it seemed like just yesterday we were both wrinkle free with no grays in sight.
“If only it were as easy for women. We’re not allowed to grow old gracefully until we’re at least 80 and can then fill the stereotypical granny role.”
“What kind of shit is that? Woman,” he called out as he reached over and snagged me by my waist to pull us close together. “You are more beautiful now,” he started as he reached up with one hand to trace the new line I’d discovered around my eye a moment ago. He paused as he took me in and I thought he was going to just stop there and leave it all hanging, but instead he surprised me again by leaning in and placing a sweet kiss on my lips. “You are more beautiful now than you were when we met, and that’s saying something, babe, because you knocked me on my ass back then with that cute little smudge of engine grease you had all over your little button nose.” He bopped my nose with the tip of his index finger and I attempted an indignant huff in response but ended up laughing at him instead.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t bother telling me I’d smeared that stuff all over my face. I was mortified when my father,” I started to say and then pulled the word back wishing I could forget for a moment. “When Jack pointed it out to you.”
“Babe, he was your father. Don’t do that to yourself. He was your father where it counted. He fucked up, but I think we both now see how easily that can be done. I let my history cloud my judgment just the same as he did. Our outcomes were just different, thank fuck!”
“Speaking of,” I started quickly using the segue he offered to move on to another topic. “Ever called to invite us to dinner tomorrow at their house.” I still couldn’t believe our girl was married.
“Still can’t believe she’s married,” CJ said as if reading my damn mind.
“I know. It’s crazy, and she’s young, but she’s so happy with him.”
“He’s good for her,” CJ admitted. “I owe him for setting everything in motion. If he hadn’t come home when he did…” I watched CJ shiver, lost in thought.
“I know, baby. It’s all over now though. Life is good. Everyone is in a great place. Let’s not go back there,” I told him as I moved to back away. I needed to get ready to go grocery shopping since my son informed me he would be bringing someone to our family dinner next weekend.
“Where are you going?” CJ asked. Then he smacked my panty covered ass as I moved away toward our bedroom. “I thought you were admiring the goods, and I’m rethinking the fact that I directed you to my hair instead of allowing that to continue.”
I laughed at my husband. “I think you worship yourself enough for the both of us.”
“Aw, babe, no need to play coy. There’s plenty of me to go around for you still.” He ran up behind me and lifted me off the ground. Then we both heard a pop and he immediately threw me onto our bed and groaned. “Damn!”
“Ha!” I laughed. �
�Looks like this silver fox is a little too old to be playing at young man sex games. Maybe next time. Tell ya what,” I teased. “I’ll put a call into Doc Murphy and see if he can’t get you a prescription for that little blue…”
He was on top of me with his hand over my mouth in an instant. “Don’t you dare say it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my dick. Your ass has gotten juicier, and I need to work out a bit more to be able to tote that sucker around like I used to.”
I gasped in shock that he really did just go there. Then I bit his hand since it was still covering my mouth. “Ouch!” He squealed like a giant girl.
“I can’t believe you just said I had a fat ass!”
“No, babe. I said you have a juicier ass, and I like it that way so no offense meant.” He mimed grabbing a hold of it and then shifted his hips like he was pounding away at something. I rolled my eyes and scooted further away.
He just laughed. “Moral of this story is don’t insult my manhood and virility if you don’t me to throw down about that ass.” The goofball winked at me then. “Now that you mention it though, might call in that prescription anyway. Think about it. If it works well for men whose dicks don’t work, imagine what it’ll do for someone like me with no problems in the dick department. I’m thinking multiple orgasms for both of us. All. Night. Long. Babe.”
“You are too much. I’m gonna need to take up those Yoga classes Tiger Lily’s been raving about if you even think about attempting that. I didn’t think my hip was ever going to pop back in place after the last time you kept me all kinked up like a pretzel while you pounded into me.”
“Mmm,” he moaned out loud in his sexy deep rumble that nearly had me forgetting I needed to go places other than my bedroom today. “We should definitely try that again,” he suggested with a waggle of his eyebrows.
“Oh no you don’t!” I shouted as I dove to get away from his grabby hands only to have momentum pull me right off the edge of the bed.
A Love So Hard (Aces High MC - Charleston Book 2) Page 26