"He's expecting you, Erin." Jeremy had been the same staff member to let her know he was expecting her the last time she'd graced the club. It had been the night of her punishment. She wished she could conjure up angry emotions about the last night they’d spent together, but all she remembered was how loving he was after he spanked her. How much he cuddled her in the car on the way home, and how warm it felt to have his body pressed against hers while they slept.
With shaky legs, she maneuvered her way through the small crowd in the lounge. The dungeon wouldn't be in full swing for another few hours, but under Alyssa's management, many members arrived early to enjoy their dinner or a few drinks with friends before moving on to their play.
Erin stopped when she came to Bradley's door. Just a closed door, nothing to make her tremble. Except she knew Bradley was on the other side. The evening could go wrong in so many ways. He could decide not to accept her apology. He could decide she was too much trouble and carried too much baggage for him to continue on with her. The book he sent could have just been a ploy to get her to give him the answers he wanted before he tossed her aside.
"Knock on the door, Erin." Alyssa's whispered words startled her. Erin spun around to find her holding a tray of drinks, sporting a supportive smile. "Go on. Knock. He's there. He's waiting, has been all afternoon. I don't think I've ever seen the tough Bradley so unsure."
"What if this is the wrong thing to do?" Erin let her fear out with a breath.
Alyssa shook her head. "What if it's the right thing?" Lifting an arm, she knocked on the door and gave Erin a wink. "Only one way to find out." Alyssa walked away, leaving Erin alone when the door opened.
Erin swallowed, gripping the book in her hand as she dragged her gaze up from his chest to his face, trying to gauge his reaction to her arrival.
Bradley looked as sexy as always, despite the pressed lips and dark glare. A black t-shirt hugged his torso, and over-washed jeans hung loosely on his hips. She'd never seen him look so casual at the club, unless they were playing, and in those times, he wore his cargo pants. Better to stash naughty toys in all the pockets.
With one step, he moved out of the way to allow her to enter. Hugging herself around the middle, she stepped inside.
The door closed behind her, making her jump at the sound. His office, though not at all new to her, seemed different, bigger than before.
"I wasn't sure you'd come." His voice filled the room. Had he always seemed so much bigger than life to her, or was it her guilt and fear of losing him that made it so at that moment?
"I got your book." She tried to smile, ignoring how much it hurt to even pretend to be anything but terrified.
"I see that." He moved to his desk, leaning against it and folding his arms over his chest. His expression went blank. "Did you read the passage?"
"Yes." She nodded and held the book out, as though to prove to him she'd opened it and read every word. Hell, she damn near memorized the passage, but mostly his notes. He'd opened her eyes with his side notes. "I'd like to talk to you, if you're open to it."
"Do you think I would have asked you here to stare at you then send you on your way?" His grave tone didn't set the most positive tone for the meeting, but she pushed on.
"No, I mean, I'm not exactly sure of anything at the moment. What I thought no longer makes sense, but everything is all fucked up now. I fucked everything up. I told you I would. I warned you." She cut herself off before her emotions boiled up into her voice. It wouldn't do to start blubbering. They'd never get anywhere.
"You asked me what would happen if you fucked everything up. And what was my answer?" He maintained his position against this desk. Not moving a muscle.
Did he know how much she wanted his touch at that moment? She thought back to their first few text messages.
"You said I wouldn't. That we'd always talk it through." If only she'd looked back on those messages weeks ago, maybe she would have had a chance to fix things.
"So…" Both eyebrows raised, his blue eyes drilling into her. "You're here. Let's talk."
"I shouldn't have broken up with you through a text. That was awful of me," she blurted out.
"Go on." Still, he remained motionless.
"I don't know where to start, how to begin." She looked around the room, as though she would find a "start here" square on the floor.
"I should have protected you better." His soft voice brought her gaze back to him. He was hurting, she could see it in his eyes, the raw emotion lingering there. He blamed himself for Claudia? It had never occurred to her that he would take that on his shoulders.
"You did protect me. How could you have known? She made an appointment with me through my office. It's not uncommon to meet a new client for coffee or at their office."
"I shouldn't have let you out without a bodyguard. I should have hired one of Kendrick's men to follow you."
"That wouldn't have changed much." She wanted to step to him, to comfort him, but too afraid of what would happen the moment their skin touched, she stayed rooted to her spot. "I went to her car willingly, still under the impression everything was normal. It wasn't until we were inside I realized what was really going on. Having a security guard there wouldn't have changed that. Her driver would have just lost him in the traffic."
"When you wouldn't let me back in the hospital room, I assumed you blamed me. I blamed myself."
"No! That had nothing to do with it. I never blamed you for any of it."
He gave her a curt nod. His jaw ticked. Her stomach sank into her feet. For the past month, he'd been beating himself up over it.
"It wasn't your fault," she said with more heat.
"Tell me why you left." His order came at her with more force than she'd heard from him before. His eyes narrowed a fraction, enough to tell her he would listen, but warning her it better be good.
Chapter 34
How much longer could he look at her trembling without touching her? He doubted she even knew how much her body expressed her emotional state. The sheer veil of tears tore at him. When she stepped closer, she was within grabbing distance, and he had to fight himself to keep still. Wrapping her in his arms before he got to the bottom of things wouldn't help, and she had yet to say if she wanted to come back to him.
Her showing up gave him hope, but he was quick to check that emotion and put it aside. She could be there to give him the courtesy of a face-to-face breakup, nothing more.
"Explain yourself."
She didn't look him straight in the eyes, though he hadn't expected her to. Instead, she looked up at him through wet lashes. Her breath was shaky when she inhaled. Standing before him was a woman stripped bare of all defenses, ready to put everything on the table for him, to completely bare herself to him. He had waited weeks for her to be ready, weeks for her to find her courage, and now that the moment had arrived, he was torn.
If he held her, she would have an easier time of it, but it wasn't supposed to be easy. He needed her to work through it, to show them both she was strong enough to get through the rough patch, and as a couple, they could get through it too.
"I doubted you. Us. I doubted us," she began, still trying to meet his gaze, but not quite there. "You have so much more experience than me. You own a BDSM club for crying out loud. Everyone here has more experience than me. Why on earth would you want to waste your time with someone who still questions her submission, still wonders if it's okay to relinquish control over to someone else?"
When she didn't go on, he prompted her. "Keep going, Erin." His voice wavered slightly, a sign of his fight to keep his own emotions in check. She was too close, so close, and in such need of him. But he would hold out.
"You had to punish me for the same thing over and over again. I mean, it wouldn't be long before you gave up. Who wouldn't? And then the Claudia thing happened."
"Claudia thing?" He hadn't meant to sound so incredulous, but her casual stance on being kidnapped and nearly murdered wouldn't stand with him f
or long.
"What I mean is, she said things. Things about you. How you like the training, enjoy bringing a new sub to heel, then you let them go. I remembered the book you gave me the first time I met you. You have a whole shelf of them. You have them on hand. So, it made sense, and I was already doubtful."
He frowned, waiting for her to continue.
Her hands twisted the book, curling it and uncurling it in her grasp. Her arm still looked as though it were healing. The stitches had been removed, but the wound hadn't fully healed yet. The fear he'd felt that day, not knowing if he'd get to her in time, then seeing the blood—so much blood—swallowed him up.
"I should have talked to you." She took another breath, then met his gaze. The tears that had been teetering fell down her cheeks, leaving their marks. "I should have talked to you right away about what I was thinking."
"I have trained a lot of subs." He moved his hands from his chest to his pockets. "I still do. I have the books here because we have been planning to start offering classes for new subs and new Dominants. Those go to the small groups or anyone who shows interest in the lifestyle."
Her nervous hands began to twist the book harder.
"That makes sense," she whispered, looking away.
Hope seemed too dangerous of a thing to grasp at, yet he found himself reaching for it.
"I punished you so harshly that last night because it was a repeated issue. That didn't mean I was tired of you, or that I would tire of you. I would punish you as many times as I needed to get the point drilled into that head of yours. And of course you question your submission." He pushed away from his desk, deciding it was his turn to control the room. She would have a decision to make soon, and although he still worried about it, he decided to plunge in.
"I'm sorry."
"Not yet." He held a hand up to still her from speaking. If she apologized and started to cry, he would hold her. And if he held her, he would come undone, and he couldn't do that. Not yet. Not after the last month of pain and torment.
"You will always question your submission. It's fine to question, to wonder, to worry, what's not okay is to keep it to yourself and let it fester into some fanciful notion that includes thinking my thoughts for me. If you had asked me, I would have explained the books. I would have explained why Claudia said something so stupid."
"She was jealous. She wanted you," Erin said, her chin rising a fraction.
"Ah, so there is reasonable woman in there." He stepped toward her and took the book from her hands. "Tell me what you read."
"Bradley." She caught his gaze, another tear slipping down her cheek. "I'm sorry."
The whispered words ripped his heart.
She nibbled on her lip. Her eyes blinked in an attempt to keep her tears away. He'd never seen her so afraid before. Not afraid of punishment, or him, but of rejection. The silly woman still believed she'd be leaving his office alone.
"I am too." The hurt in his chest settled. She blinked away another tear. "Dammit, don't cry now." He dropped the book on a nearby chair and cradled her face in his hands, wiping away the wetness with his thumbs.
"I can't help it. I pushed you away, so far away, and all I wanted was you to begin with. You took me when I was broken, and you fixed me. I don't mean about Jonathan. I mean I had no idea who I really was. You showed me who I am, you showed me how strong I am. And when it was important, I cowered. I failed."
More tears slipped, and he let them pool on his fingers. "You never failed." He swallowed hard. "We jumped head first into us, the foundation wasn't built as strong."
"It's not your fault."
"No, it's our fault. We cracked, but we didn't break, Erin. You didn't screw it all up. We'll talk it over, and we'll get through it. That's what we do when there's a crack. We don't run to opposite sides of the city and feel sorry for ourselves."
She blinked a few more times. Her hands rested on his chest, and he could feel her heat. "You aren't giving up on me?"
"Never," he vowed, pulling her to him and capturing her mouth beneath his. He intended only a gentle kiss. One to simply seal what he'd said, but once her warmth was beneath him, he couldn't pull away. He was hungry for her, and she for him. Her hands wrapped around his neck, holding him to her as he licked and nipped at her bottom lip.
When he finally let her up for air, he released her face. The tension in her body relaxed. She threw herself into his arms again, nuzzling her face against his shirtfront. He held her while she sobbed into his shirt. Relief had never felt so damn good.
"You better be crying for joy," he told her, but rested his chin on her head and let her continue her sobbing.
"Of course I am." She nodded, bumping his chin. "I thought I had really fucked up."
"You did. But so did I."
"It wasn't your fault."
He tilted her head back and locked eyes with hers. "I may not be fully responsible for what happened with Claudia and Travis, but I am fully responsible for letting you sulk and run away. But that won't happen anymore."
"We'll talk. We'll communicate," she said.
He brushed a kiss across her lips. "Yes. All of those things."
"I love you so much, Bradley. It terrifies me."
He froze. Unsure he could have been so damn lucky to hear the words he thought he heard. He kissed away her tears.
"I needed to hear that so much more than I thought." He sighed into her hair. "I love you too, Erin. Until you, I didn't think something so profound was real."
After several long moments of silent embrace, he released her and picked up the book again. "Now, tell me what you read."
"Can we maybe go over it later?" There was a mindful gleam in her eye. His body responded to her innuendo immediately. Damn her and that grin of hers.
"You think you've earned an orgasm already?" he asked in his dark voice.
Her pupils dilated. Her pink tongue swiped across her bottom lip.
"Yes." She shook her head with her answer, and he couldn't help but laugh.
"Have you taken to bratting since you've been out of my care?" he asked, tossing the book back onto the chair.
"I did listen to your instructions on my dress." She looked down at her outfit.
He hadn't noticed her clothing. He had been to intent on examining her expressions. She wore a black halter dress that barely touched her thighs. Her breasts were pushed up, stressing the hem.
"You took a cab here wearing that?" Real irritation built at the thought.
"No." She shook her head. "I drove."
"You drove?"
"Yes. You know, a car. The house sold. I had to bring my car to the city," she explained. Even so, the idea of her walking from the parking lot across the street to the club wearing such an outfit worried him.
"We can talk about it later," he told her. "After we talk about your other punishments." He pulled her into his arms, nuzzling her neck.
"It's a long list," she told him and sighed.
"I'm afraid it is, but I think we can let most of it go once you move back in, unless you'd rather stay in your own apartment. I would understand if you want to take things slow. We did rush last time."
"No, I want to come home. More than anything, I want to come home."
That was settled. She would be coming home. Where she belonged. Where he wanted her and would keep her. Forever. Because never would he give up on his Erin.
Epilogue
After completing her usual routine of brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, which had started growing out again, and turning off the lights in the upstairs rooms, Erin climbed into bed where Bradley waited for her.
She snuggled up to his side while he finished reading a magazine article. A popular kink magazine had interviewed Bradley, Alex, and Alyssa, discussing the pitfalls of owning a sex-friendly club. As she saw it, there weren't many pitfalls, but since the club went public, the membership application process had gotten much more elaborate.
"I knew the article would be all about
keeping sex offenders out of the clubs." Bradley tossed the magazine onto his nightstand and rubbed his hands over his head.
She climbed into his lap, straddling him. His arms wrapped around her waist. "Safety in the clubs is important. You always say that." She ran her hands over his bare chest, dragging her nails downward.
"There's more to safety than sex offenders. Strong Dungeon Monitors, a good security team, importance of consent."
"That's true." She kissed his lips softly.
He looked at her for a moment in silence, his dark stare sending a shiver through her body. Still, after months of being in his bed, he could send electricity through her with his eyes. "You cancelled your doctor's appointment again."
She sighed. For the past six months, she'd been seeing a trauma counselor at his direction. "I was going to tell you, Sir. I rescheduled for next week."
"Maybe it's time to talk to the doctor about lessening your trips if you really feel you're ready." He'd brought it up before, and she’d finally felt like she was ready to let it all go.
"Mmmhmm." She leaned forward and placed a wet kiss to his chest, then moved a little lower and repeated the kiss.
"Are you trying to seduce me, pet?" He sank his hand into her hair and yanked her head back.
She winced at the sharp pain in her scalp, then smiled. "Of course I am, Sir."
His hand twisted, giving her another jolt of discomfort, which he quickly countered by slipping his free hand between her spread legs and circling her clit with his finger.
"Did it work?"
"Since I can feel your hard cock under my ass, I'm going to say yes." She sucked in her breath sharply when he bent toward her and took her nipple between his teeth.
"Snarky slut." He released her hair and rolled quickly, flipping her to her back. "Open your legs for me like a good girl."
Liberated Heart: Windy City Book Three Page 25