by Diana Bold
Ethan appeared in the doorway and frowned when he saw her there. James cast Ethan a quick glance, then slipped past her, out of her life forever. Like last time, he didn’t even try to say goodbye.
“How much did you hear?” Ethan asked without preamble.
“All of it.” Overwhelmed with sudden nausea, Jessalyn sank into a nearby chair. She wrapped her arms around her waist in a protective gesture, as though she could shield her child from his father’s callous disregard.
Ethan knelt on the floor in front of her and took her chilled hands in his large, warm ones. “I wanted to bring him back to you, Jess. I wanted you to have the man you truly wanted.”
The man she truly wanted was right in front of her. Her fingertips trembled as she tucked a sun-streaked strand of hair behind his ear. “You don’t have to marry me. You needn’t go to such lengths to find a way out.”
He pressed his face more fully into her palm and closed his eyes. When he opened them, they were full of new resolve. “I will marry you.” He made it sound like a vow, a promise he’d fulfill even if it killed him.
Her eyes welled with tears. “This isn’t what I want. I’d rather face the scorn and ridicule of bearing a bastard than know I’ve made you so miserable.”
“Let’s just pretend today never happened.” He gave her an uneven smile. “If you hadn’t seen Flint, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”
“But I did see him,” she whispered. “And now I know just how much you were willing to pay to get rid of me.”
“You’ve got it all wrong.” He raked a hand through his hair and sat back on his heels, staring up at her in dismay. “I was willing to pay him so you could be happy. I’m afraid I can never give you what you need.”
Oh, but he could. Why couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he realize his love was the only thing in the world she needed?
She bit her lip. “I’m so sorry to put you in the middle of this.”
“To tell you the truth, it feels good to be in the middle of something again. I’ve been alone for too long. Sometimes family isn’t about blood; it’s about the people you care about and the people who care about you. If that’s so, then you and Christian are my family.”
“Oh, Ethan.” His words touched her, but his candor made her even more determined not to ruin his life by marrying him. “What are we doing? I’m afraid if we go through with this, it can only end badly.”
Ethan’s chiseled features were implacable. “If we don’t marry, Christian will never be able to face what he must in peace.”
He was right about that, but she still couldn’t bear to burden him with a wife he did not want. He was a young man; he deserved the chance to have a family of his own someday.
“Then let’s marry, for now.” She met his beautiful green eyes with all the courage she could muster. “But once Christian is gone, I want you to promise me you’ll consider an annulment.”
He started to protest, but she placed her fingers against the silken heat of his lips. “No matter what happens, I’ll be in your debt. Christian’s gambling has left me without a farthing of my own. But I won’t have you tied to me for the rest of your life because of your loyalty to Christian.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Concern filled his gentle green eyes, and he wouldn’t let her break his gaze.
A veil of tears obscured her vision. “I’m sure.”
He sighed and pushed to his feet. “I don’t want Christian to ever know we had this talk.”
“Of course not. He doesn’t need to know our marriage is only temporary.” Just saying the words aloud broke something deep inside her. She had to fight to keep from flinging herself into Ethan’s arms and begging him to never leave her.
It was better this way, she told herself. She’d learned the hard way that men couldn’t be trusted. She’d been abandoned by everyone she’d ever loved. Better to make the cut herself. Perhaps, if she was the one to choose when their marriage ended, it wouldn’t hurt so badly to watch him walk away.
“Even if we do separate down the road, I’ll always be there for you, Jess. You know that, don’t you?” He brushed a lock of hair from her cheek, his gaze earnest and so sweet it took her breath away.
“Thank you.” Then, because she couldn’t bear not to touch him in some way, she kissed his cheek. She met his startled gaze for one brief, telling moment, then hurried away before she could make an even bigger fool of herself.
Chapter Ten
Ethan spent the next few days in a whirlwind of activity. With Julian's help, he procured the special license necessary to marry Jessalyn without the lengthy process of posting the banns. Time was of the essence, since she was already more than four months pregnant.
He also insisted upon buying Briarwood, despite Julian's protests. It took several hours of amenable arguing to come to an acceptable price, since Julian kept trying to give it to him for nothing.
He enjoyed the time spent with his brother, though he avoided any mention of the past. He hated to admit how glad he was that Christian had manipulated him into this reconciliation. In fact, he found himself wishing he would have gone to see Julian much sooner. He mourned all those lost, lonely years.
His biggest regret, however, was that he hadn't seen more of Christian in the last few years. He now spent each afternoon and evening with his friend and was terrified to see how rapidly his health degenerated.
Jessalyn told him she believed Christian had fought his illness, unwilling to give in to it until Ethan arrived to take care of things. Ethan hoped this wasn't true. Not only did it mean Christian had stopped fighting, it also meant he'd placed far too much faith in Ethan's ability to solve his problems.
He felt unworthy of such trust, incapable of being a long-term solution for anything.
When the special license came through, he accepted the news with a mingling of relief and dread. There was nothing to stop him from doing as Christian wished—nothing except the fear that twisted deep inside his gut at the very thought of going through with the wedding. Only Jessalyn’s insistence they annul the marriage after Christian was gone kept him from bolting.
Between the house, which already felt far too much like home, and his growing admiration and attraction for his future wife, he was overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom. All these years he'd remained alone because he didn’t want to let anyone down. He couldn’t bear to fail anyone else the way he'd failed Elizabeth.
How would he keep from also failing Christian?
* * * * *
“Having second thoughts?”
Ethan turned away from the window at the sound of Christian’s voice. He’d been staring down at the street with escape on his mind. The remaining moments of his freedom ticked down at a dizzying rate.
He’d donned his wedding finery, and the pastor who would perform the ceremony had already arrived. In less than an hour, he’d be a married man.
He didn’t want to do this.
“Of course not.” Ethan hoped saying the words could make them true. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
“You’re pulling at your cravat as though it’s a noose,” Christian observed dryly.
Ethan forced his hand away from the annoying bit of fabric at his throat and met Christian’s worried gaze with as much sincerity as he could muster. “I made you a promise. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” Christian frowned and cleared his ravaged throat, a painful thing to hear. “You’ve never let me down, not in all the years we’ve known each other. I hate that I had to ask this of you.”
“Worry about Jessalyn, if you must worry about someone.” Ethan’s resolve strengthened in the face of Christian’s guilt and regret. He waved a dismissive hand. “She deserves better than what I have to offer. I fear she’ll come to hate me.”
“At least she won’t have to bear a bastard.” Christian gave a weary shrug. “For the moment, that’s all that matters.”
The reminder of Jessalyn’
s child increased Ethan’s tension. He had fewer reservations about being a husband than he did about being a father. He knew from experience just how deeply a father could scar a child.
“Let’s go downstairs and get started,” Ethan told his friend with false enthusiasm. In truth, he was afraid that if he didn’t go now, he’d talk himself out of going at all.
* * * * *
Jessalyn pressed her forehead against her bedroom door, leaning heavily against the wood as she struggled to find her courage. In a matter of moments, she had to go downstairs and say the words that would make her Ethan Tremaine’s wife.
She’d never been so frightened in her life.
Ethan had already proven himself to be a good man. She had no doubt he’d take his responsibilities very seriously. With him at her side, no one would dare snub her, and he wasn’t the sort of man to punish her child for her mistakes.
But she feared he wouldn’t be at her side for long. He’d disappear for longer and longer stretches of time, until finally, he stopped coming home at all.
She was afraid she’d made the terrible mistake of falling in love with him, even though he could never love her in return.
Giving herself a mental shake, she opened the door and stepped out into the hall. There was no hope for it. Better to have an absent husband than none at all. She’d simply have to guard her heart.
Her satin gown rustled as she descended the stairs. She tugged on the bodice and hoped the simple, yet elegant gold and green gown conveyed the right message. She wanted to appear remote and untouchable. She didn’t want Ethan to ever know how much she wanted him.
She paused for a moment, and a wave of dismay washed over her. She’d tasted passion’s sweetness and couldn't imagine spending the rest of her life without it. This marriage would be fraught with heartache. It was inevitable.
Gathering her courage once more, she continued on her way. Within a matter of moments, she stood outside the parlor door. The pastor, her brother, and her future husband awaited her within.
Christian came to her side and pressed a small bouquet of exotic orchids into her hands. She wondered if Ethan had taken the time to choose them from his own greenhouse. "How lovely you look. You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen."
She tried to smile but couldn't manage it. Christian looked so pale, so ill. She feared he had even less time than she'd thought.
"May I introduce you to Reverend Jones?" Christian steered her toward the elderly man in somber black who stood next to Ethan. Of necessity, they'd found a minister who was willing to be bought. Their own had heard rumors of Jessalyn's pregnancy and refused to perform the ceremony.
Reverend Jones gave a stiff nod. "Are we ready to begin?"
"Yes. I'm ready." Or at least, as ready as she'd ever be.
Only then did she allow herself to glance at Ethan. He wore a dark gray suit, with a snowy white cravat and a dark blue silk waistcoat. He'd even trimmed his hair.
He stared at her intently, as always. His green eyes were unreadable, but his lips curved in the ghost of a smile. He took her hand and turned toward the minister. "We're ready, sir."
As the minister intoned the ancient words that would bind Jessalyn to Ethan, she focused on the warmth of Ethan's hand. His energy flowed into her and gave her the strength she needed to find her voice and say her vows.
Before she knew it, the entire thing was over, and she was Mrs. Ethan Tremaine.
"You may kiss the bride."
Jessalyn’s pulse leaped. She wished she'd had the foresight to have the minister delete this section of the ceremony. She'd dreamed of Ethan's kiss since she was a child but didn’t want him to pretend a passion he didn't feel.
Heart pounding in her chest, she forced herself to meet Ethan's piercing green gaze. He gave her a tender smile, then cupped her face with his long, lean fingers.
She prepared herself for a brotherly peck, but his lips descended upon hers with unexpected hunger. Startled, she didn't know whether to surrender or resist. She fisted her hands in his lapel, but instead of pushing him away, she leaned into him and lost herself in the spicy heat of his kiss.
Perhaps they would have remained in each other's arms forever, if not for the titters and throat clearing their passionate embrace evoked from their small audience. Ethan was the first to break away. He stared at her with a stunned expression on his handsome face.
She blushed and dropped her gaze. Perhaps he felt more for her than she’d dared to hope.
* * * * *
After the quick, civil ceremony in London, the small wedding party left for Briarwood. They’d packed what little remained in Christian’s townhouse the night before and had it sent ahead. Jessalyn sat alone in the coach, while Ethan and Christian took advantage of the beautiful day and made the trip on horseback.
When Ethan opened the coach door a few hours later, he found his new bride sound asleep, curled up like a child on the forward-facing seat, her golden hair framing her face in a nimbus of curls. They'd arrived at their destination, yet she slept on. He wondered if she'd spent as many sleepless nights as he had during the past week.
"Poor thing. I doubt she's been sleeping very well." Christian appeared at Ethan's side and gave voice to Ethan’s thoughts. "Perhaps we should let her be for now."
“No.” Ethan shook his head. "I don't want her to wake up alone."
Christian gave him a quick, unreadable look, then managed a strained smile. "You're too good to us, my friend."
With a pang of guilt, Ethan realized his new bride wasn't the only one who'd been exhausted by the trip. "Why don't you go on up to the house and rest for a while?"
Christian fumbled in his pocket for a handkerchief but was seized by another coughing fit before he could find it. Frowning in concern, Ethan retrieved the scrap of linen for him and then summoned a waiting footman to assist his friend to the house. When he glanced back inside the coach, he found Jessalyn sitting up, her face flushed with embarrassment as she tried to coax her hair back into its sleek knot.
"Is Christian all right?" Her husky voice struck a chord deep within him.
He stared at her for a moment, arrested by the sight of her, so charmingly mussed. If things were different, if she weren't still in love with another man, he’d be free to smooth the hair from her face whenever he wanted. This was their wedding night, after all.
He cleared his throat. "Christian will be fine. Here, let me help you.”
As she climbed down from the coach, he caught her against him for a brief, tingling moment. She fit far too perfectly in his arms. The memory of her sweet kiss haunted him. What he wouldn’t do to lower his lips to hers once again. He let go of her with regret.
“My orchids have arrived. Would you like to see them before we go in?”
"I'd be honored." Jessalyn was curious to see the strange flowers he’d risked his life and traveled the world to find. Perhaps once she did, she would understand him better.
Taking her hand, he led her across the manicured lawn and around the side of the manor. He kept perfect stride with her, though his legs were much longer.
Set perhaps one hundred yards behind the house, the large glass building gleamed in the setting sun. Ethan paused for a moment, his face alight with pleasure. "It's perfect, isn't it?"
In all the years she’d known him, she didn’t think she’d ever seen him so pleased. For this moment, at least, his darkness faded and his dazzling masculine beauty took her breath away.
With a grin, he pulled her forward, his steps no longer measured. His excitement spurred her on, and she hurried to keep up.
Within minutes, they were inside. The warm, humid air was heavy with the exotic perfume of thousands of orchids. Rows upon rows of neatly organized plants filled the vaulted space. Some were in bloom, but most were not.
Ethan cursed when he saw a stack of crates near the door. He opened one and reached inside to pull out what looked like a handful of dead moss. "I told those worthless fools to mak
e sure all of these boxes were unpacked."
"Is it dead?"
He glanced up, as though he’d forgotten she was even there. "It's a new find. I'll probably never get it to reproduce, but I brought home over a hundred, hoping to try. I'd like to find a way to make them available to everyone who wants one."
"A worthy goal." She smiled at his enthusiasm, though she secretly wondered why anyone would want such an ugly plant.
He sighed and carried the plant over to a worktable. "I'm sorry. But I must get all these specimens unpacked. Can you find your way back up to the house?"
"Of course," she assured him. "But I'd rather stay and help."
“Are you sure?” He cast a surprised glance in her direction. "It's a messy business, and you're still in your wedding dress."
“Oh.” She glanced down at her gold and green gown. "Well, it's not as though I ever plan to wear it again."
He grinned and tossed her an apron that hung from a nearby hook. "At least put this on."
She did as he'd instructed, then came to watch as he repotted the plant he'd rescued from the crate. "Is it still alive?"
"Orchids are amazing. I'd like to write a book about them, but I'm having a hard time. I can't get the illustrations right. I'm not much of an artist."
"I am." Ever since she was a child, she’d loved to paint and sketch. Her father had encouraged her, even hired an art teacher to instruct her, but once Christian had inherited the title, he’d deemed the expense unnecessary.
Ethan glanced at her, a questioning look in his moss-green eyes.
She flushed, hoping she wasn’t misrepresenting her talent but forced herself to forge on. "I'd be happy to help you. That is, if you want me to."
"I'd like nothing more. Thank you, Jess."
For a long, poignant moment, they stared at each other. The expression on his beautiful face was so intense, so arrested, she thought he might kiss her again. Then he sighed and turned back to his plants.