by Diana Bold
But he needed more time. He had to come to terms with the fact that his future was here, with this woman, and not on the other side of the world. He had to convince himself he could be a husband without bringing another disaster down upon their heads.
“I’m sorry.” Gently, he disentangled himself from the silken web of hope and love she’d woven around him. “Go to sleep, Jess. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Chapter Fourteen
The next day, Ethan skipped breakfast and headed straight to his office, determined to avoid his tempting little wife. He hadn’t slept at all. His restless mind had replayed every moment of his encounter with Jessalyn and left him more aroused and confused than ever.
He settled behind his desk and stared at the household ledger, trying to reconcile the numbers in his aching head. When the door creaked open behind him, he kept his head bowed, unwilling to acknowledge the intrusion. Bloody hell. Were a few moments of privacy too much to ask? Couldn’t she understand he needed some more time?
Hesitant footsteps sounded behind him, and he clenched his pen until he thought it would snap in half. “This isn’t a good time,” he said, his voice rough with exhaustion and stress.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Christian sounded hurt and confused, and Ethan turned around in surprise.
“No. Don’t go,” he said, feeling like an ass. “I didn’t realize it was you.”
Christian’s face was pale, but he seemed steady on his feet, stronger than he’d looked in weeks. “Who’d you think I was?”
Ethan turned back to his desk. He placed his elbows on the shiny surface and scrubbed his hands over his face, the rough stubble on his cheeks abrading his palms. “I thought you were Jess. We had a bit of a row last night, and I’m not ready to rehash it.”
Christian closed the distance between them and settled his hands on Ethan’s shoulders in a comforting squeeze. “You look like hell.”
Ethan sighed, the events of the last month crushing heavily upon him. God, he’d feel so much better if he could just have one peaceful night of sleep.
Christian squeezed his shoulders again, then massaged the aching muscles in his neck and upper back. For a minute, Ethan remained docile beneath his friend’s gentle ministrations, but as the seconds ticked by, he grew more and more uncomfortable.
When Christian suddenly buried his hands in his hair and massaged his scalp, he jerked away and looked up at his friend in dismay. “Thanks. But that’s really not necessary. I’m fine.”
“Sorry.” Christian’s pale cheeks flushed bright red, and he let his hands fall to his sides. He turned away. “I was only trying to help.”
Silence descended between them. Ethan was so stunned by Christian’s actions he couldn’t think of anything to say. If he didn’t know his friend so well, he’d think there had been something… inappropriate about the way Christian had touched him. Hell, if it had been anyone but Chris, he’d have knocked him on his ass for touching him in such a way.
Reaching toward the bookshelf, Christian grabbed a book at random and headed toward the door. “I just came in here to get something to read,” he explained, then waved the book like a shield. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
Before Ethan could respond, Christian was gone.
* * * * *
Christian cursed himself for a bloody fool as he hurried from Ethan’s office. What the hell had he been thinking? He hadn’t sought Ethan out to fondle him, but when he’d seen his friend looking so weary and defeated, it had seemed natural to offer comfort. Once he’d touched Ethan, once he’d actually had his hands on the man’s beautiful body, after all these years of wanting and dreaming, he’d been incapable of pulling away.
But he’d made Ethan uncomfortable, at the very least.
The pleasant arousal that pulsed through his blood for the first time in over a year disappeared in an icy rush as the full ramifications of his thoughtless lapse became clear. He’d be lucky if Ethan didn’t suspect his true feelings. He’d have to be more circumspect than ever if he hoped to make his friend think it had been only an innocent gesture of comfort and not so much more.
Something inside him gave way, some secret pool of hope he’d held in the darkest part of his heart. If Ethan looked upon him do uncomfortably over a simple shoulder rub, what would he do if he knew Christian’s other yearnings?
Feeling more alone than ever, Christian hurried back into his room. The burst of strength that had suffused him upon waking had faded as though it had never been, and utter exhaustion claimed him.
But once he returned to his lonely bed, he realized perhaps he’d been too subtle. The taboo against his natural desires was strong; he’d never had the courage to admit to it publicly except when Julian had confronted him. If Ethan was of a like mind, he might be afraid to say anything. And if he hadn’t been sure of Christian’s intentions…
Perhaps the only way to make his feelings truly known was to tell Ethan in no uncertain terms.
After all, what did he have to lose? If his friend rejected him, which would almost certainly be the case, he would lose nothing. But if there was a chance, no matter how slim, that Ethan might feel the slightest bit of affection for him, he had to know now, before it was too late.
* * * * *
Jessalyn spent the entire day in her room, unable to bear the thought of facing her husband. She vacillated between deep embarrassment and blissful remembrance, unsure whether she’d ruined her relationship with Ethan completely or taken a necessary step toward something lasting and permanent.
As the morning passed into afternoon, she remained in bed, staring at the ceiling as she rehearsed a thousand different conversations in her head. Perhaps if she tried to imagine every possible scenario, she would have the right words at her disposal when she needed them.
Ethan had never been easy to read, and last night had obviously shaken him to the core. She feared he’d continue to push her away, but she didn’t intend to let him. He needed her love, and if he couldn’t see that for himself, she’d have to make him see it. She didn’t think anyone had ever fought for him. But perhaps no one had ever loved him the way she did.
With her mind made up, she finally got out of bed and headed to the bathroom, where she ran a tub full of steaming water and blissfully sank to her neck in the fragrant bubbles. Closing her eyes, she lost herself in the memory of Ethan’s water-slicked body, the way his skin had felt beneath her hands, the way he’d moaned at her touch.
He’d said he didn’t want anybody else.
The sound of the door opening startled her out of her reverie. She sat up and blinked the soap from her eyes, only to find the object of her lustful fantasies staring at her from the doorway.
“I’m sorry.” His voice sounded rough and unsteady. “I didn’t know you were in here.”
She sank back against the rim of the tub and fought the urge to cover her breasts. “It’s all right. I don’t mind if you come in.”
Still, he hesitated, obviously torn. “I was just going to shave. I can come back later.”
“Will you wash my back?” Her soft request echoed in the room, and she bit her lip, afraid she’d pushed too hard, too soon. But she couldn’t think of any other way to tear down the walls between them.
To her great surprise and relief, Ethan entered and shut the door, then leaned against it with a hooded expression. He looked tired, weary in spirit as well as body. “I shouldn’t have left you last night.”
Her heartbeat accelerated, and her hopes rose despite her desperate attempts to keep them under control. “It would have been nice to sleep beside you.”
Sighing, he pushed away from the door and crossed the room. He took a seat on the bench beside the tub and picked up the soap. “Lean forward, sweetheart.”
She blushed at his endearment and did as he’d asked. Closing her eyes, she rested her cheek against her knees as he washed her back. He made fanciful designs in the bubbles with his fingertips, obviously
in no hurry to leave. She soaked up his gentle attention like a sponge, the tension she’d felt all morning slipping away as though it had never existed.
“How’s your head?” she asked, without opening her eyes. “Are you feeling better today?”
“I have a bit of a headache,” he replied ruefully. “But it’s partly self-induced. I spent all day worrying about what I’d say when I saw you again.”
She gave a soft laugh. “I spent my morning worrying about the same exact thing.”
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to the tender spot where her neck met her shoulder. “You’re so easy to be with, Jess. I don’t know why I keep trying to make things so difficult.”
She opened her eyes and met his steady gaze. “I meant what I said last night. I’m in far too deep to turn back now. Whether you leave today or a hundred years from now, it’s going to hurt more than anything ever has. Why not enjoy what time we have? I promise to never ask more of you than you can give.”
“You’re too good to me.” Heedless of the water, he wrapped her in his arms and crushed her against his chest. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You deserve only the best.” She hugged him in return, her tears of happiness wetting his shirt even more. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
“Well, I’m glad we settled that. Perhaps tonight we can discuss it further? In your room? In your bed?”
“We can discuss it right now,” she whispered, noticing the heavy bulge in his pants.
Grinning, he shook his head and pulled away. “Much as I’d like to take you up on that offer, I’m afraid we’ll have to wait a bit longer. Once I get you in that bed, I don’t intend to let you leave it for a very long time, and I need to check on Christian. He was acting odd earlier, and he didn’t come down for lunch.”
She let him go, content to wait until later. She could savor thoughts of the night ahead all afternoon. “Do you think he’s all right? I’ll get dressed and take him a tray.”
“That’s a good idea.” He leaned forward and gave her another quick kiss. “Until tonight, then?”
She nodded, happier than she could ever remember being. “Until tonight.”
* * * * *
"Ethan, there's something I need to tell you."
Jessalyn paused outside her brother's door, holding the tray she’d prepared to make up for his missed lunch. Something in Christian's voice made her hesitant to intrude.
Obviously, he was going to impart something of a very private nature.
She put the tray down on a hall table and crept closer to the half-open door. She wouldn't intrude, but she wasn't above eavesdropping.
From this vantage point, she had a clear view of Ethan, who sat at the desk on the far side of the room, his head bent over notes for his book.
"Ethan," Christian repeated, exasperation creeping into his tone.
Ethan glanced up, then down again, obviously finding it hard to break away from what he was doing.
Jessalyn found his obsessive absorption both annoying and strangely endearing.
“Did you say something?” At last Ethan closed his notebook and turned the full power of his attention on Christian.
She shifted, so she could get a view of her brother. Christian stared at Ethan with the strangest expression… utter adoration and something else she couldn’t even name. He cleared his ravaged throat, the sound painful to hear.
“I love you, Ethan.”
Ethan’s green eyes widened in shock, then he looked away, and embarrassed color rushed into his cheeks. “Yes, well… I’m very fond of you as well. You know that.”
Christian shook his head. “You don’t understand. I love you. Madly, passionately. I want to make love to you.”
“Bloody hell!” Ethan shot to his feet, and his chair crashed to the floor. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Jessalyn put her hand to her mouth to stifle a gasp as she realized what Christian was saying. The conversation she’d had with him about the person he loved suddenly made perfect sense.
Christian flinched at Ethan’s horrified tone. “I know you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted you to know. I needed to say it before it was too late.”
“Don’t tell me this,” Ethan exploded. “I don’t want to know this.”
He spun on his heels and headed for the door, bursting through it so quickly Jessalyn had no chance to hide.
For a moment, their eyes met. Jessalyn died a little when she saw how deeply Christian’s revelation had shattered him.
“Did you know this?” he asked, his voice raw.
She shook her head in wordless denial and reached out to him. He evaded her grasp and pushed past her, disappearing down the hall.
Jessalyn sagged against the wall and buried her face in her hands as she fought to keep from giving in to threatening tears. Why had Christian chosen this night to make such a revelation? She feared her brother’s words had destroyed the trust she’d worked so hard to build between herself and her husband.
Finally, she pushed away from the wall and retrieved Christian's dinner tray. She felt guilty for thinking about herself when her brother was probably hurting more than she could imagine. Knocking on the door, she entered Christian's room.
To her surprise, she found him far more composed than she was. "You can wipe that innocent expression off your face. I saw you standing outside the door."
Embarrassed, she put down the tray and picked up the chair Ethan had toppled. "If you love him in that way, why did you arrange for me to marry him? Surely you must have known how difficult it would be to see him every day, yet never be able to tell him."
“I've spent my whole life hiding it.” Christian sighed. “I knew he wouldn't welcome the knowledge, that it would destroy our friendship. But I couldn't bear not to have him in my life at all."
She flushed and sank into the chair she’d just righted. "What did you hope to gain from telling him now? All you've succeeded in doing is driving him away."
"I don't know. I was just lying here, staring at him, thinking about how little time I have left. It seemed cowardly to go to my grave without ever letting him know the truth." Christian gave a sad shrug. "Maybe, deep down, I hoped I was wrong. I wanted him to tell me he loved me, too."
His honesty pierced Jessalyn to the core. Blinking back a renewed rush of tears, she took his hand. She’d thought her situation was difficult, but her problems were nothing compared to his. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"No, Jess. I’m the one who should be sorry. Christ, I've been such a selfish bastard."
The strength that had gotten him through the last few minutes vanished, and he trembled. Sobs wracked his wasted body as he cried for all that could never be.
"Oh, Christian. It's all right. I understand," she whispered softly while she stroked his pale hair and held him while he cried.
Chapter Fifteen
After leaving Christian, Jessalyn went in search of her husband. She looked in the greenhouse first, but he hadn’t sought solace in his flowers. Dread filled her as she investigated the stables, but thankfully, none of the horses were gone. Returning to the house, she searched his office and the library, then went up to his bedroom. Relief flowed through her when she found him sitting in the dark near the window.
“Ethan.”
He tensed at the sound of her voice but remained motionless. His moon-washed features were set in brooding lines, and a half-empty bottle of whiskey dangled from his fingertips.
She shut the door and leaned against it, wary of his mood. “Are you all right?”
A low, bitter laugh was his only answer.
“I know how much you must be hurting.” Crossing the room, she sank to her knees in front of his chair and stared up at him through the dim light. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” His eyes were glassy and unfocused, proof that he’d been drinking for some time. “You should leave, Jess.”
She leaned forward and pressed h
er palms to his thighs. Coiled wildness thrummed just below his placid surface. She refused to let him chase her away. Despite his protests, she knew he needed her. “Let me hold you tonight. You don’t have to be alone.”
He let the bottle slip to the floor and covered her hands with his. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I’ve been drinking. If I get in that bed with you, the last thing on my mind is going to be sleep.”
Holding his gaze, she stood and slipped her gown from her shoulders, baring her breasts to the chill night air. “I know exactly what I’m saying.”
His breath hissed out in an explosive rush, and he surged to his feet, catching her against him a bruising embrace. “I shouldn’t be doing this, but I need you. I need you so much.” Then he covered her mouth with his.
After a long while, he broke away and tugged her wordlessly across the room to the bed. Holding her gaze, he lifted his hand to the sagging neckline of her gown and pushed it down over her hips. She held his gaze, her heart pounding. Passion raged within her, making her tremble with anticipation.
It hadn't been this way with James. Making love to him had been pleasant, but it was the closeness she’d craved, not the act itself.
Already she knew making love to Ethan would be different. His kisses made her toes curl. And the things he’d done to her last night… The mere thought of the pleasure she’d found in his arms made her weak in the knees.
Soon she stood completely bare before him. He’d loosened the pins in her hair, and the heavy weight tumbled wildly across her breasts.
"Ah, Jess." His voice was rough as brushed his knuckles across one rigid nipple. "You are so beautiful."
She gasped, stunned by the heat of his tender touch. "I want to see you, too."
He smiled and divested himself of his clothes, until he stood before her, naked and magnificently aroused. She stared at him, taking in the delineated muscles of his powerful chest, the sculpted ridges of his flat stomach and the huge straining shaft of his erection.