by Abbi Glines
Griff scowled and shook his head. “Really? You think what you feel for him is different than what we have? A grownup relationship that didn’t start when we were children. I would never, NEVER walk away from you the way he did. No matter what happened because I am a man. What we have is different and what you feel is different because it’s the kind of thing adults feel. It’s not that silly, goofy shit you feel as a kid. It’s the hard times, the good times, the boring as hell times. It’s what is real, Sailor.”
I knew he believed everything he was saying, and in most cases, he was right. Just not in our case. Yes, some young loves didn’t work, okay most didn’t, but what Creed and I had…have was different. We were the few that found our soulmate at a young age.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Standing here arguing with you about this is not helping anything,” I pleaded with him. I didn’t want to tell him how very wrong he was and point out the reasons why. I’d done enough damage. Tears were stinging my eyes and I wished more than anything that this was over.
Griff closed the distance between us and I froze, unsure what to do. He wasn’t listening to me and I was starting to feel guilty that he was here without Creed knowing. I should have texted Creed and told him. This felt like I was lying to Creed and now that Griff was in front of me and so close to me, I wanted to scream from the confusion of it all.
“Do you know where this man you think you are in love with is right now?” he asked me.
I nodded, hoping Griff wasn’t wanting to go brawl it out with Creed and thankful Creed was an hour away from here.
“Are you sure?” he asked me then.
“Yes. He’s at Red’s. He has a gig tonight with that band,” I told him, feeling as if he was now accusing Creed of something.
Griff snarled at the explanation. “Yeah, he’s at fucking Red’s. I was there an hour and a half ago. I needed to drink until I wasn’t hurting so damn bad. Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw the man who had taken the only woman I have ever loved away from me sitting in a corner with some bimbo on his lap. He was smiling and acting like he owned the damn world while he had just taken my world away from me.”
My stomach churned and I felt bile rise in my throat. I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to believe Griff, but I knew him enough to know he wasn’t a liar. Griff was honest and straight forward. He didn’t do cool or play games. He was practical and dependable. I knew from the look on his face that everything he was telling me was true.
The tragedy of it all was it changed nothing.
Creed had said he loved me, but he had never said we were exclusive. He had never promised me a future. He had promised me orgasms and he’d delivered. That was it. Knowing this didn’t make it hurt less. My chest felt as if it had been ripped open and I knew as the tears streamed down my face I deserved this. Every moment of it.
“Okay, if that’s what you needed to say, you said it,” I managed to get out over the emotion clogging my throat. I moved to the door then and opened it. “You can go. We’ve said all there is to say.”
Griff didn’t move. “I didn’t come here to hurt you. I came here to tell you that you’re making a mistake and throwing us away for nothing. I forgive you, Sailor. I love you too much not to.”
I shook my head and wiped at the stupid tears that had fallen. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Griff. “I slept with another man while we were together. Maybe you can forgive that but I can’t. I may have made a mistake with Creed, but it is done. I care about you enough to want you to have someone worthy of your love. You deserve to be loved completely. You deserve someone’s whole heart. You can never have mine,” I stopped there. It was that simple. Even if Creed and I weren’t what I had thought. Even if he was damaged and could never love me alone. I could never love Griff the way he should be loved.
Griff ran his hand over his face and sighed. “When you come to your senses call me. I won’t wait forever, Sailor but I will wait.”
I said nothing but stood there looking at the floor and holding the door open. He paused as he was walking out and I thought he was going to say more. He didn’t and I was thankful for that small gift. Once he was outside, I latched the screen and closed the door. Standing there for a moment, I considered what would happen next. Then I reached up and bolted the door.
Tonight, nothing would happen. I wasn’t ready to face Creed. I didn’t know what to say to him or how to say it. I just needed to sleep in my bed and be alone.
Images of Creed with another woman on his lap plagued me as I took the steps to get ready for bed. I started to take a shower and realized the last time I’d been in there had been with Creed. Instead I went to the guest bathroom and bathed. Tears fell silently as tonight replayed in my head and I wondered if this would be the moment that I never forgot. Would I regret this decision the rest of my life?
Twenty-four
July 22, 2014
Miller State Park, New Hampshire
The night sky was so clear out here that we could see every star. Creed’s hand held mine as we laid in the bed of his truck, taking in the beauty around surrounding us. When he had asked me if I wanted to go to Monadnock Mountain on our date tonight I’d thought it seemed like an odd choice, but now we were here, I realized it was perfect. This summer Gran had allowed me later nights out with Creed and sometimes Cora, but she was with her boyfriend more and more.
Next summer we would all be high school graduates and getting ready to go off to college. Thinking about it scared me because I wouldn’t have our summers anymore. Creed and Cora kept talking about us hiking the Appalachian Trail next summer or at least the northern half of it. If Creed was going to be there then I was all for it. I wasn’t a hiker like the two of them were though. Nashville wasn’t filled with hiking trails like New Hampshire was.
I felt Creed’s head turn and I knew he was looking at me now and not the sky. I met his gaze and smiled. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. I could look at him all day and never get bored. I didn’t tell him this though or he’d think I was insane. Sometimes I thought I might be when it came to him. Loving someone as much as I did Creed was new to me and frightening. I’d always stayed closed off and protected my emotions. I’d learned at an early age from my parents that if you loved, you could get hurt. They’d hurt me plenty until I had gotten old enough to keep my feelings for them locked down.
With Creed, I had gone all in and every moment I was with him, I was happy. He made me happier than I’d ever thought I could be. Leaving him after this summer and going back to Nashville pained me to think about. I didn’t want to leave him ever.
While my head was full of all the fears, hopes, and wishes where Creed was involved, Creed reached over and touched my cheek then leaned in to press his lips to mine. Kissing him was my favorite thing in the world. I moved closer to him and pressed my hand on top of his and kissed him back. He always tasted of peppermint.
His hand slid down my neck, and I let my hand rest on is face while he pulled my leg up over his. I felt the sundress I was wearing slide up my thigh, but we had made out heavy many times and it didn’t bother me. I loved getting as close to Creed as I could. I made a sound in my throat that encouraged him and his hand moved under my sundress until he was cupping my bottom. That was exciting and my breathing was coming quicker.
Creed stopped kissing me, but he didn’t move his face away from mine.
“I love you, Sailor,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” I replied, smiling at the sweetness of his words.
His hand slid between my upper thighs then and I felt his finger slip inside the satin of my panties. I stopped breathing all together as he began to explore me. My right hand squeezed his upper arm and I managed to suck in some oxygen, just before his finger entered me. “Oh god.” My words sounded like a moan, and if it didn’t feel so good, I would be embarrassed.
; Creed began kissing me again, and I tried to keep up while he made me feel things I hadn’t before. When I thought I couldn’t take much more and the pressure building inside was going to explode, he pressed me onto my back and came with me covering my body with his.
I knew what he wanted to do and I wanted it just as much. I’d never done this before but only because Creed was the only one I wanted to lose my virginity to.
“If you’re not ready, I can wait. I’ll wait as long as you want me to,” he told me in a deeper voice than normal.
We only had a little over a month left of our summer together. I didn’t want to miss anything. “I’m ready,” I told him.
He bent his head down and kissed my cheek then my jawline, before hovering above my lips. “I’ll love you forever,” he said softly.
And I believed him.
Twenty-five
November 18, 2019
My alarm went off too soon and getting dressed had been a chore. My sleep had been fitful and dreams of Creed hadn’t helped me. Once I was ready for work, I headed downstairs, shivering at the cold as I reached the bottom step and knowing I didn’t have time to start a fire. I’d warm up in my car on the way to work.
I glanced at the coffee pot in the kitchen and decided I’d wait until work for that too. There were at least two Dunkin’ Donuts on my way to the museum; I could stop at one of those if the lines weren’t too long.
Grabbing my coat, I pulled it on and then wrapped a red scarf around my neck. I knew when I walked out the door, I was going to want to look over at Creed’s. See if his Jeep was there or if he’d not come home. I had put my phone on silent last night and turned on the sound machine to drown out any calls or knocks from him. I was going to have to check my phone for missed calls and texts eventually, but I wasn’t ready for that yet.
None of that mattered, though, when I opened the back door and found Creed sitting there with steam coming from the coffee cup in his hand. His dark hair looked like he’d just gotten out of bed, but the darkness under his eyes made me think he didn’t sleep at all. The urge to comfort him and kiss his beautiful face pulled at me, but I kept my distance. Last night had been emotionally draining and I didn’t have the energy for this confrontation. Not yet.
“Morning,” he said as his cool, even gaze settled on me.
“Hello,” I replied.
He took a drink of his coffee and studied me a moment. “I called you and texted you last night.”
I glanced down, not wanting to look at him. “I haven’t checked my phone notifications this morning.”
He said nothing and we stood there in silence for far longer than was comfortable.
“What happened that I don’t know about, Sailor?” he asked finally.
There was no putting this off, but I wasn’t ready to talk about the girl in his lap last night. I didn’t have the mental strength for that. I was too sleep deprived, and I needed to get to work without black mascara running own my face.
“Griff came here,” I said.
Creed took another drink and waited. He wanted more information than that it would seem.
“He was upset. He said he could forgive me and that he loved me. He said a lot of things,” I stopped then because the one thing he had said that had caused me to lock Creed out last night was the one thing I was not going to bring up right now. I needed more time to process it.
Creed nodded once then straightened from his relaxed lean he had been doing on the porch railing. “I see,” he said simply.
He saw what? I started to ask when he began to walk away. He was just leaving. He had no more questions. Nothing.
“You’re leaving?” I asked him.
He paused then turned back to look at me. His eyes were hooded from the morning sun and he was just far enough from me I couldn’t make out his expression very well. “You have a decision to make, Sailor. I won’t beg. I’m not Griff,” he said then continued across my backyard toward his.
My heart hurt and yet I wanted to pick up something and hurl it at his head. I had told him about Griff coming here last night, but he hadn’t mentioned the woman he’d gotten friendly with in the bar. He believed this was about me choosing between him and Griff. That decision had been made already and Griff was no longer an option. However, I wasn’t sure Creed was either.
I loved him, but I didn’t trust him.
Getting in my car, I cranked it up and had to wait a few minutes so the window defrosted enough that I could scrape the ice off. I didn’t think about the fact Creed had handled this for me last week when it had happened. I wasn’t one to rely on anyone. My mother had made sure I wasn’t dependent on others by never being there when I had a problem.
The drive to work was quick, but I hadn’t stopped for coffee. I’d be stuck with Albert’s strong stuff that he brewed. I would need the caffeine to focus on the new exhibit’s opening day to the public. It was a Monday and I wasn’t sure how much foot traffic we would get.
Ambre greeted me when I walked inside the building. She was busy at the welcome desk straightening things that didn’t need straightening. She was always moving and rearranging. I wondered if she could share some of her energy with me.
“It’s the day,” she said cheerfully. “I didn’t sleep very much from all the excitement. I wondered if we should move the eighteenth century closer to the front, but Albert said I wasn’t to touch it. What do you think?” she asked but didn’t give me a chance to answer her. “Never mind I will figure it out. Albert is in the back opening crates that came in this weekend. Go make sure he isn’t making a mess and see if he wants me to go pick up breakfast.”
I simply nodded and headed back to the kitchen area where I knew Albert’s coffee would be.
“I think I’ll go pick up an array of pastries,” Ambre called out. “Do you have a request?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you. I’m not hungry.” I doubted I would be hungry anytime soon.
Finding the kitchen empty, I sighed in relief and pinched the top of my nose as I leaned back against the wall. Had my choosing Creed over Griff been a mistake? I still believed Griff deserved more. I’d cheated and going back to Griff, even though he was willing to forgive me, wasn’t an option. However, I had planned my future with Griff and now it was gone.
Creed had come back into my life like a whirlwind reminding me how I felt about him, being there every time I needed someone, and then there was the life altering amazing sex. Had I let all that cloud my vision? I knew Griff wouldn’t lie to me. There had been a female on Creed’s lap last night.
Loving Creed wasn’t enough.
I had to be able to trust him as much as I had trusted Griff. We weren’t teenagers in love anymore. Griff was right. We were adults now and love was shown differently. Not with hot sex.
I hated this. All of it.
“The exhibit isn’t in here,” Albert said gruffly as he walked into the room and went to the coffee pot.
“Yeah,” I agreed.
He poured a cup and then handed it to me. “Drink it black. You need it,” he said to me then went and poured him a cup.
I stared down at the dark liquid not sure anyone other than Albert could drink this stuff black.
“Life sucks then it goes on,” Albert said, and I lifted my gaze to him. He shrugged. “It is a fact, Sailor. You’ll find happiness and shit while you travel the path of life but you keep on going.”
I wasn’t sure Albert had ever said that many words to me or to anyone at one time. “How do you keep from being the shit that happens?” I asked him.
He grinned then. “You’re not the shit that happens. You’re young and you will make mistakes that make you feel like shit. It makes you tough and gives you a resilience to survive when things truly go to hell.”
I wasn’t so sure I hadn’t already experienced the worst in life but I nodded.
“Thanks.”
He took a drink of his coffee while studying the wall over my head. “It’s best to learn to find your happiness now. Whatever it is. Find it and hold onto it. That’s what helps get you through the shit.”
I didn’t have time to think of a response before he walked out of the room.
Twenty-six
November 22, 2019
It was almost time to close the museum when the door opened again. Ambre had already left because she had a plane to catch. She was headed to Ohio to spend the next week with her daughter and grandkids for Thanksgiving. Albert was in the back still working. I was left with watching the front and locking up.
I walked back around the counter where I had been putting away the brochures to greet the visitor when my eyes locked on who had walked in. “Dad?” I said in shock then ran toward him as he opened his arms.
Throwing myself in his embrace, I fought back tears. This week had been a lonely one and Creed hadn’t been home most nights. I looked for the lights in his house and rarely saw them on. Seeing a friendly face made my resolve to be tough crack.
“Hey, my Sailor girl,” he said as he held me and kissed the top of my head. “Miss me?”
I nodded my head against his chest and held all my emotions in check, before leaning back and smiling up at him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“You sent me the text about your new job and I wanted to come check it out and see you. I’ll be in Germany next week for Thanksgiving.”
I couldn’t remember the last time my dad spent a Thanksgiving or Christmas with me. He was always traveling. Then there was the one year he spent Christmas in Australia with his new wife. They’d been divorced by the next year, but he had been in Los Angeles then.
“I’m not sure I will be going to Nashville for Thanksgiving. Mom hasn’t called and said she was planning something. I doubt she’s in town.”