Kate was dancing with her handsome groom, her long tresses golden beneath her veil. Sweet and wholesome. Susannah longed to take Ava’s hand and dance with her love, but could only imagine the reaction they’d get from the wedding guests if they did so. Already, they’d been getting looks from Mr Young. Susannah was in a dress, sure, but her mother had complained it was too short and the black stockings were indecent. Her hair was short too – gamine, Susannah had told Kate – and she’d outlined her eyes in thick black kohl. Ava looked slightly more conservative with her long hair, but her dress was as short as Susannah’s. It was more than her clothes, though, which made the islanders stare at Ava, and that made Susannah mad. She was tempted to give Ava a smacking kiss on the lips. Why not give the Youngs something to really talk about?
Ava passed Susannah a lit cigarette. She took a drag and fixed her gaze on Matthew, Kate’s new husband. They’d barely exchanged words all day long. Almost as if he was avoiding her. When she’d introduced him to Ava, he had flat out stared at her, not even offering a hand or word in greeting. Susannah had been mortified, and shocked that Kate hadn’t noticed his blatant hostility. Now her new brother-in-law had a high colour in his cheeks from all the drink. He was swinging Kate around and around. It was his wedding day after all, of course he was a bit merry. But something in the way he held on to her sister made Susannah uneasy. Let her go now, she wanted to shout out. Can’t you see it’s too fast? Can’t you see the worry in her eyes? But Matthew kept on spinning Kate, and the fiddler was going faster, and everyone was up laughing and jigging, even her mother with their father’s old friend, Danny.
Matthew was almost dragging Kate now, and her sister was stumbling over the hem of her wedding dress. Ava put her hand on Susannah’s arm. She’d noticed too, and knowing Susannah so well, she was trying to warn her. But when Kate almost went down on her knees as Matthew tugged at her roughly, Susannah joined the throng, instinctively protective. Taking a hold of Matthew’s arm, she pulled him back.
‘Hey, you’re going too fast for her,’ she told him.
Matthew turned his eyes on Susannah. They were cloudy with the drink, dark with anger. He removed her hand from his arm and continued to dance, spinning Kate even faster. She saw her sister’s pale face, knew that glazy look. Kate was going to throw up.
‘Stop it, you’re making her sick.’ She pulled again on Matthew’s arm.
He pushed her. He actually pushed her away, before springing forward, still gripping tight onto Kate’s hand, and hissing in Susannah’s ear: ‘She’s my wife now, and you don’t tell me what to do. We don’t want you here.’
Ava was instantly by Susannah’s side.
‘Say, take it easy,’ she said to Matthew. ‘Let Kate go for a minute. She looks a little sick now.’
‘Who are you to tell me how to treat my wife? You’re just a filthy injun.’
Susannah felt a flare of anger as Ava went very still beside her. Luckily, the music was so loud no one else had heard his insult, but that wasn’t the point.
‘Don’t you dare—’ Susannah began to say.
‘Or what?’ Matthew leered at her. ‘What exactly will you do? I’m the master of this house now, and you and that dirty little injun aren’t welcome here no more.’
Susannah turned in shock to Kate, but her sister said nothing in her defence. She saw the fear in her sister’s pleading eyes. Back off. The dread she’d been feeling all day swept through her.
Ava’s hand on her arm.
‘Come on, Susannah,’ she said gently. ‘It’s not worth it.’
She and Ava retreated. For the rest of the night they avoided Matthew and his drunken brother. Both of them were red-faced from beer and whisky. Susannah waited for Kate to come talk to her, but her sister didn’t come near her.
For the first time in years, even her mom drank too much. Susannah and Ava had had to help her into bed.
‘Such a grand day,’ her mom slurred. ‘Now, when will you make me as proud, Susie?’
After her mother had fallen into a loud, snoring sleep, Susannah and Ava didn’t return to the party. Susannah found an old hurricane lantern in the porch, and the two of them changed into denims and went for a walk in the dark.
Susannah knew every tree, every rock of the island as if it had been etched inside her head. They walked all the way down to Lane’s Island Bridge Cove, their way lit by the moon and the lamp. The bulrushes rustled in the summer breeze, and the crickets chirruped like crazy. At the cove, they sat on one large rock together, sharing a cigarette and staring out to sea.
‘Well, that was real bad.’ Susannah finally spoke. ‘I’m sorry, Ava.’
‘Don’t be,’ Ava said. ‘I’m sorry, too. For your sister. She deserves better.’
‘I know,’ Susannah sighed. ‘She’s been stuck on that heel for years. I really hope he treats her right, but after what we saw I just don’t know what to think.’
‘It was the drink,’ Ava reassured her. ‘I’ve seen some good men turn bad because of drink. But when they’re sober they are the best, kindest souls you’ll ever meet.’
‘Problem is, I don’t think Matthew Young is good sober or drunk.’
When she and Ava returned to the house, the wedding party was still raging in the garden, but they retired to their beds, falling asleep to the sounds of the fiddle and the men’s drunken singing. It was hard not to think about Kate. Their whole childhood, they’d been inside each other’s pockets. Knew every inch of each other’s experiences. But now Kate was charting unknown waters, and Susannah couldn’t go with her. In fact, it was best she forgot all about it right now.
Susannah woke at first dawn. They hadn’t closed the drapes the night before, and the early morning summer sun blazed across the room. She must have only been asleep a few hours, but she felt suddenly alert. She heard a door slam downstairs. Getting up and looking out of the window, she saw Matthew staggering across their garden, bottle in hand. She slipped out of bed, glancing at Ava, mouth open, and clearly in a deep sleep.
As she crept down the stairs, she heard crying. The door of Kate and Matthew’s room was ajar, and looking through the opening, she could see her sister curled up on the bed.
‘Katie, what’s wrong?’ Susannah got on the bed with her. The sheets were all over the place. Her sister was bawling. ‘It’s okay, honey, tell me what happened.’
Her sister calmed down slightly, bringing the sheet to her face to dry her eyes. ‘Nothing happened. That’s precisely it.’ She hiccupped. ‘I’ve been waiting all night, Susie, for him to come home. It’s our wedding night for Christ-sakes!’
‘He’s very drunk,’ Susannah ventured.
‘I know!’ Kate wailed. ‘He left me on my own all night and when I told him I was upset, he got so mad with me.’
‘Did he hit you?’ Susannah didn’t know why she asked this particular question first. An instinct, maybe?
‘No, of course not,’ Kate retorted. ‘But he’s so angry now, and it’s all my fault. I should have gone to sleep. Waited for him to sober up. What does it matter if he’s drunk? He was celebrating.’
Her sister wasn’t making much sense. One minute berating Matthew, and the next minute blaming herself.
‘Hey.’ Susannah put a hand on her arm. ‘Take it easy.’
Kate hiccupped again, wiped her face dry, and took a breath. ‘I’m fine, honest, Susie.’
Susannah had to say it now. Else she’d never forgive herself. ‘If, you know, the marriage isn’t… consummated, well. You could get an annulment,’ she ventured. ‘Come with me and Ava back to Cambridge, Katie.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kate looked at her in confusion.
‘Just that. I’m worried for you, Katie. I don’t think Matthew is a kind man.’
Kate sprang back as if Susannah had burnt her. ‘I love him! And he loves me! Are you crazy, Susannah? We just got married. I want to be with him. I don’t want to live in Cambridge. I would hate it!’
‘But he’s n
ot good to you.’
‘Yes, he is, he is!’ Kate cried out. ‘I shan’t have you saying those things about him. Stop it, Susannah! Just because you’re jealous, don’t be mean about my husband.’
‘I’m not jealous!’ Susannah felt her blood begin to boil. ‘I’m just trying to help.’
‘Well, you’re not. Just leave me alone. How could you suggest such a thing?’
‘He’s cruel, Katie, and he’s ignorant.’
‘Shut up, will you? Just get out, now!’
Susannah stormed out of the room and up the stairs. She and Kate had never ever fought before. Her sister had said terrible things to her. It dawned on her: Matthew Young had finally won. She’d lost Kate. Would she ever get her sister back?
Ava was still fast asleep. Susannah slipped into the narrow bed beside her. Put her arms around her love. Just to feel the rhythm of Ava’s breath calmed her. She felt Ava stir, and then turn, opening her eyes, looking at her questioningly. Susannah put her finger to her lips and Ava smiled. She kissed her on the lips, and Ava kissed her back. They undressed each other under the covers between kisses, slipping out of their pyjamas, and pressing their naked skin against each other. Susannah felt the thrum of Ava’s heart against her breast. It felt as if she breathed in Ava’s love, filling her belly right from the pit of her stomach through her chest and throat so all she wanted was to exhale kisses all over her. The sun bathed them with glorious warmth as the two girls entwined. Ava snaked down Susannah’s body, and caressed her with her lips as Susannah raised her arms above her head, letting the sheets fall from them onto the floor of the bedroom completely forgetting where exactly it was they were.
‘Susie!’
Kate’s voice sliced through their passion like a blade. Ava rolled off her, and Susannah sat up with a jerk to see her sister in her bride’s nightie, staring wide-eyed at her and Ava, naked upon her childhood bed.
‘Oh my god!’ Kate whispered. ‘What are you doing?’
25
Emer
27th October 2011
After Emer had read all the letters to Susannah, it was dark.
‘Are you tired?’ she asked Susannah. ‘Do you want to go to bed?’
‘No, I’m just too agitated,’ she said. ‘All those letters have stirred up so many memories, and regrets.’
‘Let’s think of a way to help you relax,’ Emer said. ‘How about a bath? Or would you like me to wash your hair for you?’
Susannah agreed to a hair wash, and the two moved to the bathroom. ‘What happened to your young man?’ Susannah asked, as Emer brushed her hair. Susannah was sitting on a stool, with a pillow behind her neck.
‘He had to go for the ferry, remember?’ Emer said, checking the temperature of the water.
‘Shame,’ Susannah said. ‘I liked him.’
She tipped her head back over the sink and closed her eyes. Emer wet her hair, massaging shampoo into it until it lathered. Susannah had such soft skin, and her features were so fine and elegant. Within the space of just under three weeks, Emer had come to know her face and body so well.
After rinsing her hair, Emer wrapped a towel around Susannah’s head, folding it into a turban, and helped her up. They went downstairs to the front room, where Emer set Susannah up on the couch in front of the woodstove.
‘Would you like me to style your hair?’ she asked Susannah.
Susannah looked up at her in surprise. ‘Okay, but make me a cup of that disgusting herbal tea first.’
Emer gently removed the towel and dried Susannah’s hair with it. When it was wet, her hair was the colour of the granite she saw everywhere on the island. Emer combed it out. Susannah’s hair was surprisingly thick, and straight. It was cut to just the nape of her neck, and framed her face neatly. Emer took up her styling brush and hairdryer.
‘I haven’t had my hair styled in years,’ Susannah said. ‘Ava used to do it. My friend – you know, from the letters.’
‘Well, I’m not really much good at it. I used to do mine and Orla’s hair when we were teenagers. Hers was so wild and curly, it was impossible to manage. But then it changed.’
‘I used to have long hair when I was at Harvard,’ Susannah said. ‘With bangs.’ She raised her hand to indicate. ‘Straight across, just below my eyebrows. Then Ava cut it real short for me. We all wore thick black kohl to make ourselves look like cats.’ She sighed. ‘Ava always looked so amazing.’
‘Do you see her any more?’
‘No, we lost contact.’
Emer could hear the catch in Susannah’s voice, but Susannah said no more on Ava, and remained silent as she dried her hair. The stone grey hair began to lighten as it dried, turning to silver, so many tiny variations of the shade, all sparkling in the firelight. Emer admired the shine of it. Really, it was so beautiful. Why did older women feel they had to dye their grey hair? She’d always been afraid of getting older, of wrinkles, grey hair. But looking at Susannah, what she saw was a beautiful woman, and in all the fine lines of her face, the story of her life. It was inspiring. And Emer felt sad that at this time she was alone. No family with her, and no friends. Just a random nurse.
Emer turned off the hairdryer and put the brush down. Susannah looked up at her.
‘Were you and Orla close?’ Susannah asked her.
‘Yes,’ Emer whispered, trying but failing to hold back the tears.
Susannah didn’t move to console her, but her voice was kind. ‘My advice is allow yourself to grieve. Cry if you have to. Don’t mind me. When Kate died, I wailed the house down.’
‘What happened?’ Emer ventured, dabbing her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. She remembered all the gossip Henry had passed on. How could anyone possibly think Susannah could hurt another soul?
Susannah flinched. ‘Not sure I want to tell you anything about that. It was too long ago,’ she mumbled. She leaned back against the couch. ‘I guess, it might help me somewhat to tell you,’ she said, eventually. ‘It’s like I lug it round with me every day. The weight of what happened to my sister.’
Emer sat down on the other end of the couch and hugged her knees to her.
‘Don’t let that happen to you,’ Susannah said. ‘Let her go, because if you do not, you’ll just drown in your loss.’
‘I feel so guilty,’ Emer whispered.
‘It wasn’t your fault your sister died, Emer,’ Susannah counselled her. ‘She had cancer. But Kate’s life was taken from her by her husband. I should have protected her.’
Emer could see Susannah’s whole body trembling. She leant over, pulled the blanket up over Susannah’s knees, and tucked it in.
‘And then there was Ava,’ Susannah moaned. ‘I will never forgive myself.’ She turned to Emer again, her eyes flashing. ‘Don’t think you can let your true love go. Listen to me: I saw how it was between you and that young man today,’ Susannah said.
‘It’s over between us,’ Emer said.
‘It’s never over,’ Susannah insisted.
26
Susannah
July 3rd, 1960
Harvard, Cambridge
Dearest Katie,
It’s taken me several weeks to get the courage to write to you. But the silence from your end has upset me. I need to explain what you saw the morning after your wedding. I believe I know you the best, Katie, out of everyone in the whole wide world, and this is why I feel you will not be judgemental or narrow minded. I also wonder – did you not, for a second, have an inkling? I never liked boys. I never hid that from you.
What I share with Ava is a love so deep and special, it goes beyond the boundaries of friendship. It is spiritual, intuitive, all-consuming, and it is physical too. Ava and I are not alone, Katie. There are other women who feel the same way we do. Some of them never get a chance to be their real selves. They are trapped in marriages with men, to conform with society’s rules. But why persecute those who are different? Didn’t Jesus say Blessed are the persecuted for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven?
Why did you refuse to talk to me for the entire day before we left? Was it because of Ava and I? Or was it to do with our argument before?
I was only offering you a way out because I thought you wanted one. I want you to be happy. That is the most important thing of all. Please write to tell me how your new married life is? I can’t bear the thought of my sister angry with me.
Susannah clutched the letter to her chest, running up the stairs two at time. By the time she burst through the door of their apartment on the fifth floor, she was out of breath and could hardly speak.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ Ava said, looking up.
She was curled up in her favourite corner of the room, on the green chair reading Susannah’s battered copy of The Ballad of Sad Café by Carson McCullers.
‘She wrote back,’ Susannah gasped. ‘At last!’
She tore open the letter from Kate, her heart tight with anticipation. It had been nearly five months since the wedding, and Kate’s silence had been driving her wild with guilt. She should never had said those things about her new husband. It had been plain dumb of her. Susannah had been terrified she’d lost Kate for good.
‘So what’s she say?’ Ava asked her, putting her book down.
‘Dearest Susie, I am sorry you haven’t heard from me in so long,’ Susannah read aloud, sitting down at their little table. ‘Married life keeps me busy, and Mother needs more and more help with the lacing. Her eyesight has gone very bad. What with looking after Matthew and making nets, I’ve very little time to write.’ Susannah paused to shrug off her jacket. Picking up the letter again, she continued, ‘I won’t lie, Susie, I was very shocked when I walked in on you and Ava. It’s very hard for me to understand. But I love you so much, I will try, I promise. Your secret is safe with me of course. All I want for you is happiness as well, and this is why I’m concerned. Do you not want to have children one day, Susannah? I do like Ava. I think she is a great girl. And I have never seen you so happy. I guess our life on Vinalhaven was one which never fit you right. I like to imagine you at Harvard some days, Susannah, when I look out the window across the harbour, all those miles of sea and land between us. But, sister, always we are connected. I would never break our bonds, even for Matthew.
The Island Girls: A heartbreaking historical novel Page 19