In the food store, Susannah scoured the shelves for something she could cook for Susannah, whose appetite was pretty non-existent. Anything fatty, or too heavy, gave her terrible pains in the stomach. Emer settled on some tofu, which she would stir-fry with some spinach and noodles, hoping she could coax Susannah to eat something. She had got dreadfully thin and Emer was worried when Lynsey and Rebecca arrived they’d be upset and shocked. But that’s how it was with cancer. Emer closed her eyes, and despite the fact she’d promised herself she’d only remember bonny Orla, she had a flash of her sister in her last days. How gaunt she’d been. From the day she’d been diagnosed again, Emer hadn’t taken any pictures of her. She’d wanted to remember healthy Orla, not sick Orla.
She walked around the market store in a daze now, not really present but partly in the past. Reliving those last weeks with Orla. As she turned the corner into the next aisle, before she knew it she’d walked slap-bang into Henry. She hadn’t seen him coming at all.
‘Hey! How are you?’ Henry said. He gave her a big smile, which took her aback completely. He seemed very relaxed and certainly not annoyed with her.
‘Oh hello!’ Emer said, her throat drying up. ‘I’m so sorry about the other night. Someone turned up at the last minute from home.’
‘Ireland?’
‘No. Boston.’
Henry stood smiling at her, clearly waiting for her to say more. ‘Your boyfriend?’ he asked.
‘No,’ she said, taken aback by how personal the question was. ‘Just a friend, but they arrived as I was leaving… and, well, I should have texted.’
‘It’s okay.’ Henry shrugged. ‘You missed a good night. Should have brought him with you.’
‘Yes, I should have,’ she said, nodding, but thinking the opposite and imagining just how awkward that would have been.
They stood in silence for a moment. Emer really wanted to get away from him. It was odd, the way he was so cool about being stood up.
‘Well, I’ll see you around,’ she said, drifting away.
‘Say,’ he called after her. ‘Want to go for another walk tomorrow? To my number two spot?’
She found herself saying yes. She didn’t really want to, but she couldn’t think of a good excuse. So this is what island life is like, she thought as she walked back to Susannah’s house. Impossible to be anonymous. Henry had known her friend was a he, so she guessed the whole island must be aware of Lars’ visit. Sure, they probably all knew she was shacked up in the inn with him for a couple of hours. What did it matter? But she was confused. Why would Henry still want to hang out with her when she’d so clearly rejected him?
30
Susannah
July 15th, 1961
Vinalhaven, Maine
My darling Ava,
Every day I miss you more and more. My first thought every morning is of you, and my last. I think of you in bed asleep. I think of you making coffee. Or getting dressed, brushing your hair, putting on lipstick. I think of you about our busy life in Cambridge. How are our coffee house regulars? Did Charlie get his book published at last? What’s happening with Sam’s record? And college. I can see you in my head, running across the square, trying to carry all your heavy law books. How did your exams go? I know you will have aced them. You’re going to be the best and most beautiful lawyer! So proud of you.
I promise, I’ll be home soon. Katie had such a difficult birth and Mom hasn’t been well either. They’ve really needed my help with Lynsey. She’s so adorable, but she does cry a lot, Ava. Oh my god, for something so small I can’t believe how much crying there is in her. It has Katie very tired all the time. She feeds for a little time, falls asleep, but wakes up again only an hour later and wants more milk. Mom told Kate she should give her a bottle, but Katie is trying to breastfeed. I do love my new little niece but the whole experience has made me even surer I don’t want to have a baby. It’s so much work for such a small helpless little thing. However, I might be writing all this now, but once I hold Lynsey in my arms and get her to fall asleep, it’s all worth it. I do love her!
As for my brother-in-law, things are a little tense, I guess. The night Lynsey was born he went out with his brother and got very drunk. But that’s what new fathers do, isn’t it? And he wasn’t abusive or rude when he came back, just fell on the couch and snored the house down. Missed going out to fish his lobster the next day, which put him in bad form, and he complained none of us women woke him up. But I didn’t know what to do, Ava, and Katie and Mom were preoccupied with the baby. When Lynsey cries and Matthew is home, he tells Katie to get her to be quiet all the time. But sometimes it’s impossible to get Lynsey quiet and this makes Matthew very irritable. I tried to explain how difficult it was for her.
‘She’s the mother,’ he snapped back. ‘That’s her job. Mine is to get a good night’s sleep so I can feed all you women.’
‘Katie lost a lot of blood when she had Lynsey,’ I told him. ‘She’s very worn out and needs rest.’
He didn’t like me saying that at all. Me talking about ‘women’s stuff’, as he calls it.
‘I don’t want to hear it. Women give birth every day. Look at my mother. She had my youngest sister Annie and was up the next day baking bread for the whole family.’
‘Every woman is different,’ I tried to explain.
But the man is so dense. Honestly, Ava, why has my sister chosen to lumber herself with him for the rest of her life?
Now he has taken to going to The Sand Bar every afternoon when he comes back from fishing, which gives us some peace from his complaining for a few hours. But then when he comes home at four o’clock in the afternoon to sleep, Kate and Mom get in a right state if Lynsey isn’t napping or is making too much noise. I have taken to bringing my niece out at that time in her baby carriage to escape Matthew’s drunken ranting. We walk along the main street and all the neighbours stop and admire how pretty she is. Sometimes I might call into the library and have a chat with Mrs Matlock, who is such a dear.
When I return, my brother-in-law has passed out in the bed, and my poor sister is washing all the mounds of dirty diapers while Mom is trying to do her lacing. I walked in the door yesterday afternoon, and it really hit me how different the mood in the house was from when I was a girl. Back then, it had been my mother’s house. An island woman and her two island girls. My mother might have been sad and lonely, but she did give us freedom to roam the island and explore. I know I’ve always been a disappointment to her, but the important thing is she let me go. But now, my old home feels like a stranger’s house. It belongs to Matthew Young, and he lords it over all of us. He holds my sister prisoner. She doesn’t see it herself, but truly, I’ve never seen her so miserable. It breaks my heart. I tried to talk to Mom about it, but she puts it down to baby blues.
And the truth is, Ava, the reason I’ve stayed so long to help with Lynsey is that I am afraid for my sister. Bruises on her arms, which when I ask her how she got them she makes a lame excuse, like she banged her arm against the door, or fell over.
‘I don’t think Matthew Young is a good man,’ I tell my mom.
I believe she understands. I see it in her face, but she won’t admit it. After all, she pushed Katie into the marriage.
‘Your sister has made her bed, Susie, and now she has to lie in it.’
What can I do? Katie will tell me nothing about what happens between her and Matthew in private. Every time I suggest he is a bully, she gets angry with me, and defensive. I guess it’s time for me to come home, my darling. I will be back soon.
She had taken Lynsey on a glorious summer walk around the island. It had been a perfect afternoon, and Susannah had enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her face as she pushed the baby carriage down the road and along Main Street. The leaves rustled in the trees, some fluttering to the sidewalk in the breeze, a lush green trail all the way into town. Today, instead of going to the library, she took a turn that brought her up a hill to a viewing point of the bay and har
bour. Taking Lynsey out of the carriage, she held her close to her chest, wrapping the blanket tight about her, although the air was warm.
‘This is your childhood kingdom, darling,’ she told her baby niece.
Lynsey blinked, and indeed she tipped her tiny chin as if trying to catch a view of the big wide open Atlantic ocean. The serenity of the blue waters of Vinalhaven harbour, and all the little islands dotted all the way out to the ocean. Susannah remembered the time she’d ‘borrowed’ an old rowing boat from the harbour and had taken Kate out in it. She’d been nine and Kate seven at the time. Susannah had wanted to go on an adventure. See what was beyond the island. Follow in their father’s footsteps. But the boat had had a hole in the bottom, and they were hardly out of the harbour before they began to sink. Susannah had tried to stay calm, but Kate got frightened and began to scream. Luckily one of the summer visitors had been sailing into the harbour and came to their rescue, but not until both sisters were up to their waists in water. Ever since that day, Kate had refused to go out any deeper than up to her knees in the ocean. She’d only paddle by the shoreline, or in the granite quarries inland which they used as bathing pools in the summer months. She couldn’t swim for that reason. Hated going on boats. It struck Susannah as extremely odd that she would choose to marry a man who spent his life on fishing boats.
‘When you’re a big girl, leave this island,’ Susannah whispered into Lynsey’s little shell ear. ‘Leave and never come back.’
As soon as she stepped into the house, Susannah knew something was very wrong. The same feeling as when a bad nor’easter has just blown across the island. Devastation and uneasy calm.
She called out for her mom and her sister, but there was no answer.
Looking out of the window, she saw her mom in the garden, standing at the white picket fence and staring out at the ocean. Leaving Lynsey still asleep and tucked up in her carriage, Susannah ventured outside.
‘Mom, are you okay?’
Her mother turned to her.
‘Too much shouting,’ she said, her face pale, as she put her hands over her ears. ‘None of my business.’
‘Where’s Katie? Is he asleep?’
Her mother shook her head. ‘He indeed! Every woman should have a man. What’s wrong with you, Susannah?’
Susannah ignored her mother, and ran back into the house, searching for Kate downstairs in the kitchen and knocking on the door of her and Matthew’s bedroom but there was no answer.
Eventually she found her sister upstairs in her own bedroom, their childhood bedroom, curled up in a foetal position on the bed. Susannah ran over to her.
‘Katie, what’s wrong? Where’s Matthew?’
‘Out,’ Kate whispered.
She looked like she’d seen a ghost. Susannah knew something was terribly wrong because she didn’t even ask for Lynsey.
‘What happened? Please, Katie, tell me?’
Her sister sat up in the bed. Her breasts had leaked through her shirt. Any minute now, Lynsey would wake up crying for her feed.
‘He said I’m disgusting,’ Kate whispered. ‘But he is stuck with me. I’m his wife and I need to do my duty.’
‘What did he do to you?’ Susannah whispered in horror.
‘Tell me, Susie, what’s it like when you make love with Ava?’ Kate asked, her eyes wet with tears. ‘Please, tell me how it feels?’ Kate gripped her hand tight.
Susannah closed her eyes for a minute. ‘Oh, Katie, it’s the most wonderful joy I’ve ever felt.’
Kate nodded, tears beginning to fall down her face. ‘I don’t feel joy when Matthew and I are together.’
‘I’m sorry, darling,’ Susannah said, stroking her sister’s soft blonde curls. ‘Please tell me what happened?’
‘I told you,’ she said quietly. ‘I had to do my duty as his wife, but he got angry with me. Because… he couldn’t…’ Kate sobbed. ‘He said it’s because I’m disgusting.’
Susannah took her sister in her arms and cradled her head in her hands. ‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘Everything will be okay.’
But in truth she had no idea what to do.
At that moment, Lynsey started crying downstairs. ‘I’ll go get her,’ Susannah said. ‘Your little girl needs you.’
After Lynsey had been fed, changed, and put to sleep in her crib in Kate and Matthew’s room, Susannah persuaded her sister to let her wash her hair. While their mother laced at her stand, Susannah filled the old tin bath with pot after pot of boiled water. As she bathed Kate, gently massaging her head and neck, their mother began to sing one of their old childhood songs.
They were all on alert for sounds of Matthew’s return, but it was Saturday night, and Susannah was certain he would be out all night, especially after what had happened earlier. She wasn’t sure what to do. How much could she interfere in her sister’s marriage?
Just when they had all begun to relax, they heard the front door slam open. They all sat in anxious silence as Matthew appeared in the doorway, gripping the handle as he swayed to and fro. Susannah had never seen anyone so drunk before. He said nothing at first, as if taking in the scene of the sisters and their mother in harmony. But Susannah saw a dark glint in his eye, as his mouth twisted into a cruel smile.
‘What’s going on here?’ he asked. ‘Why are you naked in the kitchen for all to see?’ He addressed Kate, ignoring Susannah and her mother as if they didn’t exist.
Kate stumbled out of the bath, grabbing the towel off the chair. Her whole body radiated fear.
‘Leave her alone,’ Susannah said, standing up, hands on her hips.
‘Or what?’ Matthew said, dismissing her, before grabbing Kate by the arm. ‘Where’s my dinner?’
‘We thought you would be out all night,’ Kate simpered. ‘But I can make your dinner now, darling. Of course. Won’t take me long.’
‘I’ll help,’ their mom said, putting down her lacing and taking a pot out of the cupboard. ‘You put your feet up, Matthew, and we’ll have some potatoes and fish cooked up for you in no time.’
Matthew narrowed his eyes.
‘What kind of useless wife are you?’ he roared at Kate. ‘To have no dinner on the table for her husband when he’s out risking his life every single day?’
‘Keep your voice down. The baby,’ Susannah said.
Matthew turned on her. ‘Did you just tell me to keep my voice down in my own house?’ he yelled at her. Immediately, they heard Lynsey crying from across the hall.
‘Don’t antagonise him, Susie, please,’ Kate begged as she went to go for the baby. But Matthew grabbed her by the arm on her way out of the door.
‘I come first,’ he demanded. ‘You have to feed me first.’
‘But the baby is crying; she’s hungry, Matthew. Mom and Susie will get your dinner.’
‘It’s your job. Let them give the darn baby a bottle.’
‘Her name is Lynsey and she’s your daughter!’ Susannah suddenly flared, pushing past him out of the door to get to her niece, who was screaming at this stage.
Lynsey was red in the face by the time Susie picked her up. ‘Come on, darling, hang on now, Mommy is coming.’ She jigged her up and down, so that her screams subsided into hiccups.
Any minute now Kate would come in, Susannah reassured herself. Matthew would hardly stop his wife from feeding her own baby. But to Susannah’s horror, Matthew thundered into the room after all and yanked Lynsey out of her arms. Lynsey began roaring again.
‘Give her back!’ Susannah yelled at him.
‘She’s my daughter,’ he declared.
Kate ran into the room. ‘Matthew darling, please, she needs to be fed,’ she said, her voice trembling. ‘Give her to me, come on now.’
‘Fine,’ he said, offering Lynsey to Kate. Her sister quickly took her in her arms and unbuttoned her shirt to feed her.
‘Not in here,’ Matthew said, pushing Kate out of the door. ‘No man wants to see his wife looking like a milking cow.’
Susannah
could feel herself trembling with rage. She had to get away from this hideous man, but when she went to follow Kate out of the room, Matthew stood in her way.
‘Let me by,’ Susannah said.
‘I know your dirty little secret,’ Matthew said in a low hiss.
Susannah felt her chest tighten, a shiver down her spine. ‘Get out of my way; you’re drunk.’
‘In case you didn’t know, as Kate’s husband I read all her mail before she does, although she’s so dumb she doesn’t notice.’ He gave her a nasty smile. ‘I especially read every single one of the foul letters from her sister about her filthy injun lover.’
The air was suddenly thick with threat. Susannah felt her mouth go dry. ‘That’s none of your business.’
‘It is so,’ he said. ‘As the head of this family it’s my responsibility to ensure my wife isn’t corrupted and to look after all of your moral values. And Susannah, I find yours lacking.’
‘You’re a monster,’ she hissed.
Quick as a flash, Matthew slapped her across the face. She stepped back in shock, and as she did so he punched her in the mouth and pushed her on the bed.
‘I think we both know what lesson it is you need to learn,’ he said, flipping her over on her stomach so that her cries were muffled by the bedclothes. She tried her best to fight against him as he pulled her skirt up. She could taste blood in her mouth as she tried her hardest to clamp her legs shut. Please, God, please someone help me. With his knee digging into her back, he pulled her legs apart.
‘I own Katie, and I own you. This house, your whole family,’ he said as he pushed his fist up her and she gasped in shock at the pain of it. ‘Is this what your girl does to you?’
She writhed, and screamed into the mattress. Fought with every fibre of her being, but she had no way of stopping him.
The Island Girls: A heartbreaking historical novel Page 21