by J. C. Burke
This morning when I said goodbye to Dad there were only a few tears. That's why it was only a half. In fact, they weren't even in front of Dad so maybe they didn't count at all.
I didn't let the tears get hold of me because I was too scared. Saying goodbye to Dad was tough. But not tough in the way I was used to, like was he going to eat, would he wake up in time for the clinic, would he remember to turn off the stove so that the fire brigade wouldn't have to smash down the front door like they did when I was in fifth class.
I was used to that stuff. That was just simple 'everyday' tough.
This morning, saying goodbye to Dad, was 'serious' tough.
It was last night, even before I'd reread my diary, that I first got to meet this other sort of tough.
Dad and I were watching television when he muttered, 'It's the right thing.'
At first I thought he was talking to the TV but then he put his hand on top of mine and said it again, this time nodding his head, 'It's the right thing.'
'What are you talking about, Dad?'
He was scaring me because there was suddenly something different about the way he looked. Or was it the way he was looking at me? Dad's eyes were focused on mine, which in itself was strange. But it wasn't that. It was like he could see through me or past me. Not at something else in the room – something else in me.
'Dad?' I whispered. 'Dad? What? What is it?'
He smiled. His yellow tobacco-stained teeth sat all crooked in his jaw but he could smile so softly. 'Reg and I've been talkin' a bit.'
'Yeah?'
'We're thinkin' maybe it'd be better if ya moved down there with his family. He tells me you and his girl Kia are close. I thought that was real nice when I heard that. And the high school's good so you can keep on with ya schoolin' and gettin' yer good marks.'
'Wh-when?' I stumbled. 'When did you and Reg start talking about this?'
'Oh, Micki, my love. This ain't no way for a young girl to be livin'. Especially a girl that's gonna be a famous surfer one day.'
Heat bubbled up through the soles of my feet, into my legs and raced through my tummy. It invaded my chest, igniting my heart so that it began pounding faster than I could keep up with. I forced myself to swallow. It wasn't that what Dad had said was bad; it was that I hadn't seen it coming. And that was my job with Dad – to see things before they hit.
'It's the right thing, darlin',' he said again. ''Tis.'
That's why saying goodbye to Dad was tough.
'Ace, are you going to sleep in your hat?' Kia asked.
'I figure this is the only way I'll ever go to bed with Kelly Slater!'
'That means Kelly Slater's slept in my bed!'
'You mean Kelly Slater's signature,' Georgie said and yawned. 'Somehow I don't think that counts.'
Ace's fingers ran across the peak of her cap. 'Georgie, I'd like you to know he has touched this hat with his very own hands.'
'Chuck it over,' Kia said and beckoned. 'Let us have a sniff.'
'You're disgusting, Kia!' I said, laughing.
'No I'm not!' Kia's arm was stretched out, waiting for the catch.
'Hey!' Suddenly Ace sat up and clapped her hands. 'I can't believe I forgot this. Oh my God, this is major.'
Now the three of us were sitting up too. 'What? What?'
'Guess who I saw!'
Ace always had awesome stories about meeting celebrities and going to these super-glamorous OP parties where magazines and newspapers took her photo.
Even last week when I was waiting for Dad in the clinic I opened up a Gold Coast newspaper and there was a headline staring at me. 'Twenty-four hours with the Ocean Pearl Girl'. Exept for telling us when Ace went to the toilet, it detailed every tiny thing she did in her day. 'I understand being the face of Ocean Pearl makes me public property, that's just part of the job,' it'd said. Above was a photo of Ace and her mum cooking dinner in their kitchen. I'd wondered if Ace usually wore that much make-up when she was at home. Knowing Ace she probably did. She was the ultimate OP girl.
'So, come on,' Ace said and clapped. 'Guess who I saw!'
'You have to give us a clue,' Kia demanded.
'Boy or girl?' I called.
'Girl.'
'What does her name begin with?' I asked.
'M.'
'M?' we repeated.
'I know!' Kia shot her hand up. 'Madonna!'
'As if!' Georgie sniggered, which made Kia pull a face and mutter, 'Well, sorry.'
'Okay,' Ace said, rubbing her hands together. She was loving this but then so was I. It was the sort of thing I'd imagined happening this weekend and I was good at these games. 'I'll give you her initials, okay. M – D – R.'
'M – D – R? M – D – R?' I stared at the Layne Beachley posters on Kia's wall. The only thing I could think of was 'medical doctor'.
'I know!' Georgie bashed the mattress with her fist. 'I've got it!' she shouted. 'God, Ace, I cannot believe you only just remembered.'
'Who? Who is it?' Kia and I begged.
'Would it happen to be Megan de Raile?'
'Megan de Raile it is,' answered Ace. 'Or rather, I should say' – Ace spoke in a deep voice – 'Megan de Raile.'
'How could you forget that?' spat Georgie. 'She's the enemy!'
'How is the lovely Megan?' Kia asked.
'Big!' Again, Ace spoke in a deep voice: 'Really – big.'
'Like fat?' Georgie said.
'Sorry, Georgie. I'm talking buff,' Ace explained. 'I'm talking really, really buff. Her upper body is like a bloke's. Honestly, it's bigger than yours. I am not joking.'
'Gee, thanks,' Georgie muttered.
'She must be surfing and training her bum off,' I said, having visions of Megan resembling the Incredible Hulk. 'She scares me, that girl.'
'Well, she'll totally freak you out now, Micki. I could not stop staring at her.'
'Did you speak to Megan?' asked Georgie. 'Come on, you guys must've said something to each other?' Georgie was out of bed and pacing around us. I didn't care how buff Megan was, she just scared me full stop. She was so up-front and in your face. But Megan was Georgie's main competition because they were both awesome big-wave surfers. 'I can't believe you forgot to tell me this, Ace. When did you see her?'
'Oh, I can't remember, Georgie. May? April?' Ace shrugged. 'Anyway, what does it matter?'
'I just think it's strange that you haven't mentioned it. You know the way I feel about Megan.'
'Anyway, Megan said to me' – Ace squashed her chin against her neck and did the deep growling voice – '"Did you know that –"'
'Why are you speaking like that?' Kia asked.
'Because this is how Megan talks.' Ace mimicked her again: 'Like a bloke.'
I was getting the giggles. Ace looked like she'd grown three chins. 'Stop it. She doesn't speak like that. You're just trying to freak us out!' I said.
'I swear, Micki, that's how she sounded.'
'Get to it, Ace,' Georgie groaned. 'What did Megan say? "Did you know that . . ."'
'"That starfish have no brains,"' Ace finished.
'What!' the three of us yelped.
'Ace, are you taking the piss?' Georgie had jumped onto Kia's bed with Ace. 'Megan said, "Starfish have no brains."'
'That's what she said.'
'I assume she's referring to us?'
'I think you assume right, Georgie,' Ace replied.
Georgie gave Ace the finger. Ace gave it right back. Although they were laughing, something told me there was a situation going down between these two. Maybe it was because Ace was also a big-wave surfer. Once Megan had been her main rival too.
'How did she come to say that?' I had to ask, 'cause Kia was too busy staring at Ace and shaking her head and Georgie was on all fours looking like she was ready to pounce.
Ace was busy picking her toes.
'Ace?' Georgie snapped her fingers in Ace's face. 'Answer Micki's question.'
'Megan asked me' – Ace continued to tug and pull at her toe
s – 'was I sorry that I wasn't a Starfish Sister anymore.'
'What a bitch!' Kia squealed. 'I never liked her. Ever!'
Now Georgie was on her stomach, almost slithering up the bed towards Ace. 'And what did you say, Ace?'
'I didn't get a chance to say anything, Georgie.' From where I was lying I could only see the back of Georgie but I'd bet my new skinny-leg jeans that their eyes were locked. 'Because then Megan said, "If I was you, I'd be grateful. Didn't you know that starfish have no brains?"'
Silence.
Georgie slid off the bed, turned off the light and crawled back in next to Kia.
'Ace?'
No one answered Kia. Instead, we lay there in the dark. But we'd done this before and it always ended up being okay. Maybe we were just out of practice?
GEORGIE
Kia and Micki were already downstairs having breakfast, so maybe I did take advantage of them not being around. But I just couldn't go another second without telling Ace what I thought about her and her obsession with her hair. Plus the fact that Ace'd seen and spoken to Megan but had somehow forgotten to mention it.
Perhaps part of it was leftover anger that she'd stuffed up and wasn't coming to camp but I just couldn't help it. I exploded.
I'd lost count how many times I'd done that with Kia. Not that I could do it to her anymore, but Kia did have the ability to drive me crazier than any other person on earth. But now, for the first time ever, I had just exploded at Ace and there was still the 'sorry' to negotiate.
That is the hardest bit about telling someone what you really think. It doesn't occur to you at the time. You just take a big breath and it all spills out. This great long trail of words you've always wanted to say but have never had the guts to skyrockets out of your mouth and lands splat on the other person's face.
Then afterwards, it could be a few minutes, it could be weeks or months, you begin to think maybe you shouldn't have said that. Maybe you should say sorry. But the problem is you did mean it. You meant every single word of it. So why should you have to say sorry?
'Sorry' stops the drama. That's why. Sometimes it's the only reason you say it.
Besides, I didn't want to be the one to ruin the weekend.
The door to the bathroom clicked open. Ace's footsteps padded across the floor and back to Kia's room. Quickly, I busied myself with some bed-making.
Ace squeezed past as though I was made of air. She rummaged through her bag, took out a pair of socks and miraculously squeezed past me again on her way out the door.
'Stop!' I heard myself say. 'Please.'
'Why?' Ace leant into the wall. The smiling face of Layne Beachley peered out behind her. 'So you can have another go at me?'
'Look, I'm sorry, Ace. Okay? Sorry.'
'Sorry that I'm a self centred-bitch and let you all down? Or sorry that you've been a self-centred bitch thinking how you're the only one keeping us all together and how it's all up to you. Hey? Which one, Georgie? Or was it sorry that you attacked me 'cause I forgot some random conversation I had with a girl that you have some hang-up with?'
I gulped. That was another downside to saying sorry. It gave the other person a chance at a free punch or two. Ace wasn't going to let me off that easily. I should've thought of that.
'I mean' – I closed my eyes and tried to find the right words – 'I'm sorry for everything I said. It was harsh.'
'It was.'
'I'm sorry,' I whispered. 'I think I'm just disappointed that you're not going to be there, at camp.'
'I can't help it that you live in the same place as Kia and that you go to the same school as her,' Ace said, her fists clenched and tapping against the wall. 'I'd die to have a really good friend at school but 'cause I'm away so much either surfing or modelling, it's just never happened. I mean, I have friends but I know most of them think I'm a stuck-up bitch. They've never bothered to get to know me, not properly like you guys. So count yourself lucky to have Kia.'
'But it's not just 'cause of Kia,' I explained. 'That's not what I meant.'
'Well, that's basically what you said half an hour ago. That 'cause I'd stuffed up you'd be' – Ace put on a super-bitchy voice – '"left at camp babysitting Kia." They were your words, Georgie!'
They were. But I couldn't tell Ace what it'd felt like to walk in on Kia a second time. How it wasn't so much the blood or the hungry look on her face, but the fact that she had done it in the bathroom at my house.
I lay down on the bed. Everything suddenly seemed so messy.
'Anyway, Kia seems really good.' Ace still sounded scratchy. 'You're probably overreacting.'
As Starfish Sisters, we'd made a pact that we were all involved in Kia's stuff. That together we'd watch over her. But what were we thinking? That was impossible. Micki and Ace lived miles away.
Kia had dumped her problem on my doorstep and I had kept it to myself. That's what made it really messy, the fact that I'd promised Kia I wouldn't tell the others. I too had broken the pact and I had nowhere to turn.
'I think it was just a stage Kia was going through when we were at camp,' Ace continued. 'I did a bit of research on the net. They say you grow out of it.'
'I don't know,' I mumbled back.
'Well, I'm telling you I do.'
'Whatever.'
'You might think I'm self-centred.' Ace was back on her favourite topic, Ace. 'But actually, Georgie, it is quite a big deal, your hair falling out. That's not something you just grow out of.'
I sighed. 'Ace, I didn't say it wasn't a big deal.'
'No, but you said the only thing I care about is people finding out about my hair.'
I'd also forgotten that saying sorry too soon could be a mistake. Especially if the other person was the type who remembered every single word you said, like Ace did.
'I meant that you're letting it get in the way of everything.' I struggled to keep my voice calm. 'You're sleeping in your hat and when you're awake you spend the entire time paranoid that Kia or Micki or some random reporter is going to knock it off. I don't mean that rudely,' I said to her. 'Plus, if you weren't thinking about your hair all the time then maybe you would've remembered sooner to tell us what Megan said.'
'Sorry my self-esteem comes before Megan.'
'You've got to admit, Ace, it's stopping you from just chilling and enjoying these couple of days. I mean, when are we going to get this chance again? I'm just disappointed.'
'You're disappointed! You don't know what this is like for me!'
'I'm not saying I do!'
Ace slid down onto the floor. 'It's killing me that you three are going back there tomorrow and I'm going to be left behind.'
'It's killing all of us, Ace.'
'You're even going to be five minutes away from Jules,' she said. 'Not that I want to see him. Not when I look like this.'
'I don't think Jules just likes you for your hair.'
'No, but I do!' Ace pushed her cap over her face. 'That's why I only put my modelling photos in the album I made for him. The only pictures I have of him and me when I'm not wearing a hat is from the weekend after camp and my eyes are so red and swollen that I look disgusting in every single one of them.'
'I'm sure you don't.'
'Okay, well, the ones I do look okay in, I didn't want to use 'cause they'll remind him of that weekend and how I didn't get picked for the training team and how I'm a big, big loser!'
I collapsed onto the bed watching Ace let it rip. Part of me wished her rage was more about her not being with us and less about her stupid hair. But that was Ace for you.
'Georgie, you're the only one I can talk to like this.' Ace came and lay next to me. How I wished that some magic wind would pick up this bed and blow us into the Starfish Bungalow so we could start all over again. 'I can't say this stuff to anyone else. Georgie?'
'Yeah, I'm listening,' I told her.
'That weekend after camp when Jules came and stayed at my place . . .'
'Yeah?'
'I wanted, like,
really wanted, to sleep with him.'
'You mean . . .?'
'Yes, Georgie, I mean have sex.'
'Okay, and . . .?'
'Well, he said no.'
'He said no?'
Ace sighed.
'Whoa. Did – did he say why?'
'He made some lame excuse about my mum being there and it not being the right time 'cause I was so upset.'
'But, isn't that . . . nice?' I offered. 'Doesn't that mean he cares about you?'
Again Ace sighed. She rolled over onto her side so that her back was facing me.
'Ace?'
'Do you know what I think the real reason was?'
'What?'
'Jules didn't want to.' I heard her breath catch in her throat. 'He didn't want to 'cause I didn't get selected for the Australian training team.'
'No way!' I touched Ace's shoulder. 'That's dumb, Ace.'
'No, it's not.' My hand felt her muscles stiffen. 'Think about it for a second 'cause that's all it takes to work it out. Jules is a sportsman. Winners turn him on.'
'You're being stupid.'
'No offence, but how would you know?'
'Okay, so I don't actually know,' I answered. 'But I can tell you I haven't exactly had the guys bashing down the door since I was selected.'
'It's pretty weird for a guy not to want to do it. With me, I mean,' she reminded me. 'It's not like I'm some ugly, fat pig.'
Ace was no ugly, fat pig. But she was self-centred. Sometimes it drove me bananas. Sometimes it made me laugh and sometimes, like now, it split me in two. Half of me wanted to give her a hug and the other half wanted to kick her.
Ace and I went downstairs for breakfast and I swear the minute we walked into the kitchen the chatting at the table went dead quiet.
Micki, Kia and her parents lifted their heads and gave an overly chirpy, 'Hiiii!'
They'd been sprung in the midst of some big deep and meaningful. That was a certain.
'Yummmmeee,' I heard myself sing back with the same impostor's tone. 'Can I smell Reg's pancakes?'
Ace murmured behind me, 'I don't eat pancakes.'
'Did you sleep well, girls?' Kia's mum asked us.
'Yes thanks, Bridget,' Ace answered. 'I scored Kia's bed.'
'So I heard.'
'Pancakes, pancakes,' Reg said, rubbing his hands together and heading for the stove. 'Kia and Micki, you're up for seconds, aren't you?'