by J. C. Burke
Now I had my answer. Miss Micki was real. Miss Micki was me.
It was possible to have a father like Davo and still be Miss Micki – to be happy, and have dreams.
As Jake said to me, the only thing Ocean Pearl wanted was for me to be myself.
How weird is that, the way life changes and you start to see it through different eyes and in different ways? Is that what growing up is?
Last January, I had dreaded the final night at camp more than anything because it had meant it was time to go back to Dad and my real life. In fact, it was this very same, final night that Kia found me around the side of the bungalow, writing in my diary. That's when I'd told her about my dad. The first time I'd ever shared my secret.
Tonight, I felt okay about camp finishing. Obviously, Dad wasn't coming here tomorrow so I couldn't call out 'Yes!' and wave my hand in the air like everyone else when Jake asked if we were all looking forward to seeing our parents.
But I wasn't dreading going home or seeing Dad. I was trying not to get my hopes up but Dad had sounded so proud and stoked about me being sponsored that maybe we'd even have a little celebration. I was dying to tell him everything that Andy Wallace had said to me. At home I could finally scream and yell and bounce around 'cause I was going to be the Ocean Pearl girl and I didn't have to be anyone else except me!
It was okay if Dad and I didn't celebrate. It was just something nice to think about.
Whatever happened, I would make sure the time was special. I had less than a week at home to finish packing up my bedroom, squeeze in some surfs at my favourite breaks, say bye to some schoolmates and Annie, our neighbour, and cook Dad dinner and watch TV with him like we did on our good nights.
I felt okay about moving to Kia's now. I even felt a bit excited. Kia had a good way of getting me to see it. 'Just think of yourself like a kid whose parents are divorced,' she'd told me this afternoon while we sweated it out on the soft sand. 'You live with one family in the school term and then in the holidays you go to your other one.'
I was ready. Nervous but ready. I was almost looking forward to leaving camp 'cause that'd be like the first day of my new life.
'How long are you going to be writing?' Kia was being a bit snappy. ''Cause that lamp is really starting to bug me, Micki.'
'I'm almost done,' I said, flicking back to where I'd started 'cause I kept losing track.
Thursday June 25th, 9.35 pm. The last night . . .
Selections tomorrow and just writing those words makes me feel like vomiting. EVERYONE IS NERVOUS!!! We still don't know if what Laura told us is really going to happen or not. Like Georgie said, maybe it was just one man's opinion that the teams worked like that. We'll know it all tomorrow. AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway I don't care I just wanna make it!!!
As I wrote that the goose bumps prickled my skin all over again. In a perfect world, as Ace'd say, it'd be awesome if Kia and I made the team. It'd be super awkward if we were living together and one of us made it but the other didn't. We talked about that on our run this afternoon too. For now, we'd decided to keep our fingers crossed. And our toes and arms and legs and eyeballs, Kia had added.
Kia tried to suss Jake out about who'll be surfing with who but all Jake would say was that we all had to do our best. He said something like 'You surf for yourselves tomorrow and then you can surf as a team.' Kia has been analysing that all night. I think that's why she's cranky coz she can't figure it out.
In a perfect world, it'd be good if the four of us made the team. But I'd be okay with the other girls too. Zena is pretty nice and a good surfer.
Kia was having a bit of a huff and wrestling with her pillows.
'Are you okay, Kia?' Georgie asked.
'No!' Kia yelped. 'I'm stressing out. I can't get comfortable and if I don't get a good night's sleep, I'm stuffed.'
'Why don't you listen to your iPod?' Georgie suggested. 'That's the only thing that's going to get me to sleep tonight.'
'The battery's flat.' Finally Kia seemed to have her pillows sorted but now she was turning over from side to side. Watching her was making me feel seasick. 'Please, Micki? I really need to go to sleep,' Kia moaned. 'Can't you finish your diary tomorrow?'
'Here' – Georgie was out of bed and handing Kia her iPod – 'you take it.'
'But aren't you going to listen to it?'
'I'll sing to myself. Joke!' Georgie said before Kia had the chance to object. 'After that surf this afternoon I'll be asleep in two minutes.'
Suddenly Ace sat up and started fixing the pins in her hair as though she was about to receive visitors in hospital. 'I'd like to say something,' she announced, ''cause it's really, really getting up my nose and if I don't say it now I never will.'
Ace stopped. Maybe she was waiting for Georgie to do a loud snore and crack us all up. But that wasn't going to happen. Not anymore.
'When you three found out that I read Micki's diary, you were all so angry with me. I copped so much from you guys. But what about Georgie? None of you have been horrible and ignoring her. Not like you were to me,' Ace told us. 'And now – now I've got Micki and Kia pulling me aside and giving me lectures on how I have to behave 'cause Jake and all of them are watching us.'
'Ace?' Kia put up her hand. 'Ace?'
'Hang on! I haven't finished. How can you even think that I'd be the one to stuff up our chances? That's if Laura's got her facts right and we are staying in a team. I got left behind last time, remember? You all got selected and I didn't! I sat at home while my hair started falling out!' Ace needed a second to get her breath back. Georgie was sitting up in bed hugging her pillow. Kia had one leg out of the covers like she wanted to go to Ace but wasn't sure if she'd get her head bitten off. 'Georgie!' Georgie sat up higher. 'Georgie, I don't care if I have to wake up in the same room as you for the next three hundred and sixty-five days, I want to be selected just as much as any of you do. I am not ever missing out like that again. Okay?'
'Okay.' Kia was the only one to respond to Ace's random outburst. 'It's good to get it off your chest, Ace. Is there anything else you'd like to say?'
'No!'
Georgie slid back down the bed and put the pillow over her face. 'I'm sorry, Ace.' Her muffled voice filled the sudden silence in the Starfish Bungalow. 'Please believe me.'
'Look, I'm over Jules,' Ace said and sighed. 'It's you that hurt me, Georgie.'
'I know and I'm sorry.'
Georgie didn't get out of bed and squeeze in with Ace like she would've done once.
Kia switched off the lamp and the room went dark and quiet.
'Hey, guys?' Ace whispered. 'Good luck tomorrow. Whatever happens, we're the four best surfers here.'
'But do they think that?' Kia asked.
'I don't know,' Ace sighed, 'but I think that.'
The shadow of Ace still sitting up, playing with the pins in her hair, flickered against the wall. I lay on my side and watched the silhouette of her face as she stared out the window and I wondered what Ace was thinking about.
One by one, parents and families trickled down to the beach. There were hugs all round. Nothing dramatic, not like in those airport shows where everyone howls and sobs and won't let each other go.
Georgie's mum looked nothing like I imagined she would. Not that I'd ever actually thought about it. But I just got a surprise, I guess. For a start she was really tall, like a netballer, and she was really pretty. When Georgie introduced me it was like seeing Georgie's face but a grown-up version. It was strange, like I was getting a glimpse into the future.
Jussie and Steph had already asked me about ten times if my parents were coming. It didn't bother me – I mean their dumb questions nor that Dad wasn't coming. It'd be worse, heaps worse, if I thought Dad was coming. I'd get my hopes up and then when he didn't show, which was usually the case, I'd feel like crap, not just from the disappointment but because I'd been such an idiot for thinking he would. That wasn't the stressy bit though. Imagining what he'd look or smell
like was, 'cause I wouldn't have been at home to remind him to shower and change.
'Micki? Micki?' Ace was tapping me on the shoulder. 'There's someone waving at you.'
The sight of Dad slowly wandering down the beach sucked the air from my throat. Frantically my eyes began to scan: Dad's hair was clean and brushed and he'd actually had a semi-all-right haircut. He was wearing trainers that looked a size too big but they were white and clean. He looked okay. No one was pointing or staring at him.
Dad spotted me and smiled. That was the thing about my dad, he had the softest, kindest smile. For me that smile said all the things that he could never say.
Georgie gave me a gentle prod. 'Go on.'
Dad and I hugged each other. His jumper smelt clean. Not a trace of sweat and stink. If only he could keep himself like this forever.
'I didn't know you were coming, Dad.'
'Reg picked me up at the station. I wanted to surprise ya. How are ya, love? I've missed you.'
'I've missed you too, Dad.' I swallowed. 'How are you?'
'Keepin' out of trouble.'
'Yeah?'
Jake called out on the loudspeaker. 'Okay, girls and parents, we're starting in two minutes.'
Dad kissed me on the forehead. 'I'm real proud of you, darl. Reg said not to talk about the "you know what" too much,' he whispered. 'So we'll talk about that later, eh, on the train on the way home? Then maybe we could go and have Chinese tonight?'
'Sounds great, Dad.' I took a deep breath. 'Wish me luck.'
This was it. Our last chance.
My heart was going mental and my breath couldn't keep up with its pace. Laura kept jumping and down on the spot and it was making the butterflies in my guts feel like they were going to land at my feet.
'There'll be four girls out at a time for a twenty-minute session. Remember, you're surfing for yourself,' Jake advised. 'If after the two heats the panel's decision is not unanimous there'll be a short break and another twenty-minute session for each group.'
'What about the announcement?' There was a definite tremor in Ace's voice. 'Will that be in the rec room? Like – like last time?'
'Don Chambers will make the announcement up at the board shed,' Jake answered. 'But we're getting ahead of ourselves. The first four girls are as follows: Ace, Zena, Steph and Georgie. Go to the check-in desk and get your rashies. Five minutes till the siren.'
'Psycho combination of girls,' Laura said.
'Let's move away from her,' Kia whispered. 'She's the only psycho around here.'
The conditions were okay, not great. It was cross shore, three to four foot, but in most of the sets the waves were a bit fat, which would make it hard to play with the wall and do our tricks.
Georgie and Ace were first in with Zena and Steph. Georgie and Ace were battling each other to the takeoff zone. Their arms stroked hard and deep and their feet kicked steadily behind them. I couldn't help wondering what first prize was: dignity, pride, revenge, Jules?
The funny bit was that while those two went head to head in the surf, their mothers stood on the beach together laughing and chatting.
Suddenly Kia sucked in the air with a gasp.
'What?'
'Micki, I've just had a terrible thought.'
'What?'
'What is it about the four girls out there surfing now?'
'I don't know.' Kia's cryptic quiz was only confusing my already confused butterflies. 'Just tell me. I'm too nervous to think.'
'Two big-wave and two small-wave surfers,' Kia told me. 'Maybe it's more than a coincidence that Jake picked the groups like this.'
'So – so,' I began, 'you're saying that . . .'
'I'm saying that maybe that's the national team out there in the surf or maybe it's the national team standing here.'
'It couldn't be!'
'Why couldn't it be? It's the only thing that makes sense. If Laura's theory had been right they would've just stuck to team one and team two, wouldn't they?'
'Dunno. Dunno,' I answered. 'But I can't think about it now. I've got to focus. I need some time – time on my own.'
'Sure. Sure.' I heard Kia gulp. 'I might listen to Georgie's iPod.'
I went and stood on my own. If I closed my eyes and started to count then maybe my breathing would slow a bit and I could start thinking about my surfing.
Which is the fastest, most efficient way to get to the takeoff zone? I need to hassle for the inside peak position. Okay, now what am I – but I couldn't concentrate on my strategies 'cause all I could focus on were Laura and Jussie stretching from side to side.
My foot dug into the sand as though it had a mind of its own. I didn't want to be in a team with those girls.
Shyan waved the yellow flag to indicate there was five minutes left. I watched Ace pull off a series of exquisitely timed forehand snaps. She was slick the way her arms and body turned and recentred with each move. It was instinct to her. It was instinct to us four. That's what made us special.
Everything made sense when I surfed. The whole mishmash of Dad and my life – never knowing what each day would be like, would he be alive, would he bust, would he OD – felt different when I was in the water. When I surfed I felt like I could cope with anything. It was like the ocean gave me strength.
The siren blew for our heat to start. But I wasn't ready. One final thought was swimming in my brain and it wouldn't stop until it was caught.
There'd been something else that'd given me strength too.
'Micki! Micki?' Kia was yelling. 'Come on!'
Ace and Georgie were jogging up the sand, their boards still under their arms. 'What are you doing, Micki?' Georgie called.
Kia, Georgie and Ace were part of my life now. Regardless of whether I'd wanted them, they were there like my right leg or left ear. Without those three there'd be no Miss Micki. They found Miss Micki. I didn't. I never would've had the guts.
Deep down I'd probably expected the four of us to stay together. I hadn't said it in words. But that didn't mean I didn't think it.
Us. The Starfish Sisters is what made sense. Not the four girls running out of the water now or the four girls about to run in. That made no sense at all.
'Get in there, Micki,' Ace chimed. 'Hurry up.'
Kia was waiting at the shore with my board. Georgie helped me wrestle myself into the rashie and I sprinted.
We started paddling, trying to catch up to Laura and Jussie, who were powering in front.
The minute Kia and I caught up, Laura started stirring. 'We thought you weren't coming, Micki.' She was sitting on her board flicking water at Jussie and me. 'You're always Miss Early and first to everything.'
I didn't want to be in a team with Laura either. She was the 'nothing for nothing' girl. That didn't sound like a team player to me.
Laura kept talking. It was a competition and she wouldn't shut up. She kept asking me stupid stuff like why did they call me Miss Micki and what was wrong with my dad's teeth? Maybe this was some kind of psych-out trick of hers. Too bad it wasn't going to work. Kia and I'd seen the set approaching and she hadn't. She could get stuffed.
I spun around. I was going to be first on this. At last, a winning wave with a nice clean wall. The last thing Ace had said was, 'Rip it to shreds, Micki', and that's exactly what I was going to do.
I needed to paddle really quickly to pick off the set. But my energy and focus were back.
I made the drop and skated along the face. One, two, three turns and a bit of a snap! This wave had speed and form. I was going to take it all the way in.
From the beach I could hear Ace and Georgie cheering, 'Way to go, Miss Micki!'
*
No matter how many times you try to imagine an event it never feels right when you're actually there and it's about to take place.
Maybe I'd thought the announcement was going to be more posh. Perhaps there'd be a few trumpets playing and Don Chambers and the selection panel would walk in on a red carpet.
But it was just a
small crowd dotted around the board shed and Carla standing on a wooden platform with a microphone, welcoming the parents and congratulating them on having such talented daughters.
On one side of me, Laura muttered, 'Yeah, I know we're fantastic. Thank you, thank you.' On the other side of me, Kia kept sucking in the air, no doubt telling herself to 'breathe'.
Carla handed Jake the microphone. 'Before I ask Don Chambers to announce the Australian Junior Female Surfing Team, I'd just like to say how tough this decision has been. We always knew it would be.' Jake stopped and held his hand over his mouth. 'There's going to be a lot of disappointment as well as a lot of joy. But on behalf of Carla, Shyan and myself, thanks for all being such top girls. We'll miss every single one of you.'
Steph held out her arms and said, 'Group hug.' But her only taker was Jussie.
Don Chambers stepped up to make the announcement. Georgie squeezed in next to me and put her arm around my shoulder.
'Okay?' she whispered.
'Okay.'
'It's been an intense time for the girls,' Don Chambers told his audience. 'Physically, it's been very demanding and on top of that there have been interviews plus the stress of just knowing that the selections were a twenty-four/seven process. I'm not sure us adults could cope with that.'
'It sounds like marriage,' Laura's father piped up. While the adults laughed, we all turned to look at Laura, whose tomato-red face could even challenge Georgie's.
'Team two had their first week here a while ago but they managed to get straight back into training and that was impressive. They work very well together. Team one have been here for two weeks and, as you know, during the first week one of the girls was asked to leave and Courtney McFarlane took her place. Team one showed great maturity with this setback and they are to be congratulated.'
Mr Chambers's words had a certain ring to them. A 'but' or a 'however' usually followed that sound.
Standing on the other side of the board shed were Dad and Reg. Dad had his eyes closed but seemed to be nodding with each of Mr Chambers's words.
Dad looked good today but how would he look when he was back home and I wasn't there? It was okay for me to look at living at Kia's like I was sharing my time between divorced parents, but what about him? Dad had nowhere to go. Who'd look after him?