Melinda shook her head. Jayla—even a Jayla in love and an emotional wreck—still made her laugh, and that was exactly what she needed. Exactly why she’d called her last night. Jayla was her best friend, her rock, her home. Just the thought of leaving her hurt too much to think about.
“Come on,” she said, taking Jayla’s hand and dragging her to the kitchen. She pulled down a box of cereal. “This’ll have to do. I ate all the cocoa crispies last night.”
Jayla took the cereal and poured it into two bowls, taking one to the table along with the gallon of milk from the fridge. “I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. Just me and you and Mal. And you know Mal is an asshole.”
“So you and…what’s his name?” Melinda asked.
“Hound,” Jayla said. “I mean, Noah.”
“Oh that’s rich, The Fox and The Hound,” Melinda said, grabbing her bowl and following Jayla to the table.
“Ha ha. Like I didn’t think of that already.”
“So the two of you aren’t going to make a go of it? I mean, you didn’t say he dumped you, or, you know, left you because his career was more important to him than you are.”
Even saying it in jest didn’t make it any easier to accept. Her breath hitched in her chest, but she coughed to cover it, then shoved a giant spoonful of Lucky Charms in her mouth.
“We aren’t making a go of it. He doesn’t even have a clue. He probably doesn’t feel the same.”
“Well, there’s still time. Maybe he’s just as freaked out as you are and contemplating what to do.”
“It’s been a week, Nerd. He’s probably boinking some Frog Hog as we speak.” Jayla stuffed her own spoonful of Lucky Charms in her mouth.
“If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Love will find a way.”
“Now you sound like an 80’s love song. Just stop talking.” Jayla finished her cereal and popped the bowl into the sink, clutching her car keys in hand. “Listen, you should take your own advice. I know you said Buck took off like a big fat chicken, but maybe he was freaked out, too? Anyway, I’m going home. I haven’t been there for a while and I need a shower and to take care of Mal. Keep the beer and ice cream I brought.” She headed for the door, and Melinda followed her, holding the door as Jayla headed out to her Mini Cooper. “Remember,” Jayla said before climbing into the car, “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Love will find a way.”
Buck turned another rental car into the long driveway of his childhood home. He’d forgotten how beautiful the emerald green grass and white picket fences were, and all the handsome brown, black, and white horses in the field as they grazed or frolicked.
Mindy hadn’t left his mind as he detoured home to Kentucky. She perched her smart-ass self on his shoulder like some invisible angel of conscience nagging at him to face the things he ran away from.
He missed her, and hated that he hurt her, but his life had become a mixed up mess in his head since she’d entered it. He needed some breathing room to sort things out. When it came down to it, she’d been right on the money when she’d accused him of pushing people away and being afraid to love. Well, afraid to lose people he loved. It was just easier not to love.
At the end of the driveway, he followed the gravel circle and parked next to a pickup similar to his old Ford back in Virginia.
A woman rounded the corner with a chestnut mare on a lead. A girl rode the horse’s back. She was the first to notice him.
“Uncle Grady!”
His ten-year-old niece, Sophia, slid off the horse, threw off her riding helmet, and jumped into his arms, hugging him around the neck.
He closed his eyes and held her tight. He hadn’t seen his sisters or their kids in far too long.
When she slid to the ground, she said, “What are you doing here?”
“I was feeling homesick for all the ladies in my life, so I had to come visit.”
His oldest sister, Abby, tied the horse’s lead to the fence, then met him for a hug, too. “Look what the cat dragged in. Daddy’ll be happy to see you.”
He tried not to cringe about seeing his father. He loved his father, and as much as he never said or did anything to purposely make Buck feel guilty, just being around him triggered remorse about abandoning him.
“I look forward to seeing him, too.”
“Sophia, you take your uncle inside so he can clean up before dinner, while I take Trixie back to the stables.”
Abby leaned in and kissed Buck’s cheek. “It’s good to have you home.”
Sophia took his hand and he slung his duffel over his shoulder, and they headed into the house.
“Daddy’s at the Richardson’s today,” Sophia said as they entered the kitchen. “They took Shadow over to stud. But he’ll be back later.”
Sophia’s father, Dean Harding, had married Abby a dozen years before and as Buck’s father had neared retirement, Dean and Abby had moved back to the family home to take up the responsibility of running the farm. Buck’s older sister Janet’s veterinary practice in town serviced large animals all over the county, and his sister Amy worked on the farm, too. His younger sister Maryanne had married an Air Force pilot and lived in Kansas, while his sisters Anne and Lorna were both in college.
Sophia grabbed glasses from the cupboard and went to the fridge for a pitcher of sweet tea.
“Where’s Amy?” Buck asked. He sipped from the glass she handed him, the cold, sugary liquid bringing back memories of long, hot summer days.
“She went with Daddy.” Sophia wriggled herself onto a bar stool, placing her glass on the counter in front of her. “You look like you were in a fight.”
“I was. I didn’t win, but in my defense I was tied up and there were a lot of them.” He winked at her to soften the ugliness of the story.
She giggled.
Abby entered through the mud room and removed her boots before joining them in the kitchen. She washed her hands and poured herself some tea, ‘aaahing’ after taking a long gulp of it.
“Sophia, how about if you take Uncle Grady’s things and put them in the blue bedroom.”
“Okay.” She hopped off the stool and nabbed the handle of the duffel to drag it out of the kitchen behind her.
Once she was gone, Abby asked. “So, why are you really here?”
He shrugged and smiled and said, “Do I need a reason to visit my family?”
Abby rolled her eyes. “Don’t use that charm thing on me. It doesn’t work. As far as visiting, the few times you’ve been home since mama died, you’ve had a reason, so I assume this time’s no different.”
Footsteps interrupted Buck’s thoughts before he could answer, and he turned to find his father in the doorway to the kitchen. He looked even older than the last time he’d been home, grayer with more lines on his face, even though he was only sixty.
“Grady,” his father said. “What a nice surprise.”
Buck went to his dad and hugged him. “Hi Daddy. How are you doing?”
“I’m good, son. You look like you ran into some trouble?” he gestured at the bruises on Buck’s face.
“Oh for Heaven’s sake,” Abby said. “What is it with men and relationships? All this formal ‘how are you,’ ‘well, I’m doing well, and how are you.’ It’s ridiculous. Y’all are family. Act like it.”
Buck’s father smirked and Buck did too, and the smirks turned into smiles, then sincere hugs and back-slapping. Nostalgia swelled in Buck’s chest like a warm, sad lump.
“Let’s go sit and talk,” his dad said.
Abby poured some tea for their father, and they all took their drinks into the family room. Daddy sat in his chair, Buck and Abby on the couch.
“You never answered my question, Grady,” Abby said.
“I forgot it.”
“What brings you home?”
“You know, you always were the sister who refused to let things go. I never could get away with anything around you.”
Daddy chuckled. “She’s determined, that’s for
sure.”
She folded her arms, reminding Buck of Mindy and her no-nonsense straightforwardness. “Do you want me to start guessing?”
“Fine. Jesus, Abby. I was feeling homesick okay?”
“Getting tired of traveling the world already?” his father asked. They’d never talked about Buck leaving, other than his father trying to talk him out of it initially. After that, it went back to one of those elephants in the room Southern families were so good at ignoring. But his father’s comment was a little jab at the fact that maybe he resented Buck’s leaving more than Buck thought. His father’s resentment couldn’t be more than his own guilt.
“No. I love my job. But I met someone recently who insinuated that maybe I had my priorities mixed up, and that maybe that had started here.”
He gulped his ice tea to cover the blush of embarrassment the confession had started in his face. Although he loved and cherished his family, they still believed in a lot of old-fashioned traditions like real men didn’t bare their souls and make themselves vulnerable in front of others.
Abby’s brows went up and the beginning of a smile curved the corner of her mouth. “I like her already.”
“Ugh,” Buck grunted. The iced tea wasn’t nearly strong enough. He needed a shot or two of Bourbon. His father kept some in his office. He licked his lips, wishing he could go fetch it.
His father cocked his head. “You met a woman?”
“I meet a lot of women,” Buck said.
“Oh?”
Buck blushed again, the heat creeping up his neck. “That’s not what I meant. This woman’s different. I don’t date much.”
“Who is she?” his father asked.
“She’s a chemist with a company in California. She does pharmaceutical research and development. She’s been working on a cure for Alzheimer’s.” He saw an opening to bring his mother into the conversation, so before he chickened out he added. “Her dad died of the disease. I guess it was a bad progression and left an impression on her.”
His dad made an affirmative sound in his throat and nodded. The distant look in his eyes was all Buck needed to know he was thinking about his wife.
“Okay, so here’s the reason I’m home,” Buck said. God, he really wished he had some alcohol to lubricate this conversation. “Mindy said I push people away and I can’t have real relationships because I ran away from you guys when Mama was dying and now all I do is try to protect other people to make up for it.” He flopped back on the couch and let out a loud sigh. “Ah, God, there, I said it.”
“I really like her,” Abby said. “Daddy, what do you think?”
“What do you think, Grady? Is she right?”
“Fuck, Daddy, I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. All I know is when Mama was sick I was a kid and I was scared to death to watch her die. I panicked and I ran away, and I’ve regretted it ever since.” He said, adding, “Not the Navy. I don’t regret my career. I love what I do. But I regret what I did to you, and the girls. I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye to Mama.”
Tears burned the backs of his eyes, but he cleared his throat and swallowed them down. Another tradition had to do with men not crying.
“Your mother understood. She left a letter for you. Abby, would you fetch it out of my desk?”
Buck sat up, stunned. “Why didn’t you give it to me before?”
“Because you needed to find your way back first, or it wouldn’t mean anything. You probably remember how angry I was with you when you enlisted, and then how I backed off?”
“Yes.”
“That was because of your mother. Don’t get me wrong, you made me angry, and for a long time I was disappointed. But the disappointment was only because I wanted you here, not because we needed you. Your sisters and I handled everything just fine. But we missed you and having the whole family here.”
Buck nodded, unable to say anything.
“I want you to know, though, I’m very proud of what you’ve accomplished. It’s not an easy thing to be a SEAL, and you did it. Your mother would be proud, too.”
Abby returned with an envelope and handed it to him. She also brought a bottle of Bourbon and three glasses.
“Oh, yes. Thanks, sis,” he said. He swallowed down the first bit she poured, then held out the glass for more. She smiled and poured again.
He didn’t like the idea of reading this letter in front of his family, but he didn’t want to wait, either. It was still sealed, ten years later. He swallowed hard and ripped it open.
My dear sweet boy,
If you’re reading this, it means I’ve passed and you’ve finally come home.
You made a difficult choice and joined the Navy, and I couldn’t be prouder of you. I know you’ll succeed at whatever you set your mind to, and I’m excited for you to follow your path in life wherever it takes you. I only wish I could be here to watch you achieve greatness, fall in love, be a father. You’ll be good at all of it.
Your father was angry with you for leaving me and your family when we needed you most. I told him to leave you be. The last thing I want is for everyone hanging around my bed like vultures watching me die. That’s no way to spend your life, and it’ll only make me a nervous wreck. I want to die in peace without everyone waiting with an expectant hush.
I know you. You have a big, responsible heart, and you’ll start to feel guilty and it’ll eat away at you. I wanted to wait to give you this letter until you’d reached a point where you were ready to forgive yourself. If I had your father give it to you before that time, you’d ignore it and continue steeping in your self-pity.
Since you’re reading it now, you’ve finally reached that point. So know this—I don’t blame you for anything. If it had been me in your shoes, I’d have left and started living my life, too. In fact, living your life fully and well is the best tribute to me I can think of, so thank you for doing it.
Now, how about you put that guilt to rest. It’s a heavy burden you don’t need to carry anymore.
All my love, always,
Mama
This time, he didn’t check the tears. He let them fall. Her voice came through the words in the letter as if she sat next to him on the couch, held his hand, and told him in person. She knew him well. He had to feel ready to forgive himself before her letter would mean anything, and it had been Mindy who’d made him ready. Falling in love with her—and he had no doubt that he was in love with her—had brought those feelings to the surface and forced him to examine them again.
“So her name’s Mindy?” Abby asked, her eyes sparkling with humor and interest.
Buck glanced at his father, who raised a questioning brow. His father apparently knew the contents of the letter. He must have been there when his mother wrote it. Abby, the class act she was, didn’t invade his privacy by asking about it.
“Yes. Well, Melinda, but I like Mindy. We met while I was in San Diego for training exercises.”
“And?”
“What?”
“Do you love her?” By now Abby was grinning.
He knew the answer, but still he hedged. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what it feels like.”
“Do you feel like your life is empty until the time you get to spend with her?” his dad asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you feel like you don’t want to face the rest of your life without her in it?”
“Yes.” Buck couldn’t even imagine how his father felt losing his wife at fifty and staring down decades alone.
“Do you feel like you have to do everything in your power to make her happy and keep her safe?”
“Yes.” He’d been a worried mess thinking about whether the Russians would make another attempt at snatching her, and with him all the way across the country. He’d convinced himself she’d be okay, even if his instinct was to be there and protect her.
“Do you feel like you’ll never be good enough to achieve that?”
“Definitely.”
His father smiled the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen on his face. “Son, you’re in love.”
Buck’s heart surged, knowing it was true, but he scrubbed his hands down his face in frustration. “So what am I supposed to do about it?”
“Well, when a man loves a woman—” Abby began.
“Ha ha. I mean, I’m stationed in Virginia and she’s in San Diego. She can’t leave her job.”
“So put in for a transfer,” his dad said.
Did he want to leave his team? When it came down to it, they were his brothers in arms. He loved them all, but Beast was married, and he made it clear how devoted he was to his wife. All the guys on Wolf’s team in California were married or coupled-up. If any of the rest of the guys on his team were in his position, they’d go after the girl. Besides, it wasn’t like he’d never see them again.
When it came down to it, he wanted Mindy in his life and if the only way to do that was to transfer to San Diego, then that’s what he’d do.
Two long months of paperwork and processing later, Buck entered Triada again, this time through the front door. All the broken windows had been repaired and the blood scrubbed off the cement as if Russian terrorists had never invaded and killed any of the company’s employees.
Inside, the open expanse of glass and white marble echoed the splashing fountain in the center of the atrium. Beyond the fountain everything narrowed to a bank of elevators and a long hallway beyond.
“Can I help you, sir?”
Buck jerked his head to right, the source of the female voice, to find a blonde woman sitting at a tidy white desk which made her appear even more pale—vampiric almost. The startling red lipstick didn’t help.
He walked over to the desk and said, throwing in a little extra Southern charm, “Yes. I’m looking for Dr. Melinda Emerson? Could you help me with that, darlin’?”
She blushed—the pink making her look human again—and batted her lashes at him. “I think she’s upstairs in her lab. You’ll need to check in and I’ll have a security guard escort you up.” She reached for the phone.
Special Forces: Operation Alpha: Bang for the Buck (Kindle Worlds Novella) (SWAK Series Book 1) Page 13