‘Hey, that’s a bit speciest,’ said G-Force.
‘Actually,’ said Triple A, ‘humans and primates share 99 per cent DNA while humans and bananas share 50 per cent’.
‘Thanks Triple A,’ said Nogs, ‘but probably not the right time.’
‘Humans. Non. Intelligent. Life. Form,’ said the lizard leader turning to his two comrades. ‘Below. Primates. And. Bananas.’
‘We come in peace,’ said Nogs, ignoring the leader’s monkey remarks. ‘I am the official rep—’
‘I. Said. ENOUGH,’ screamed the alien, lifting his weapon and shooting a single red laser beam across the room that zapped Nogs in the forehead. The force hurled him backwards.
‘NO,’ yelled the group of kid astronauts as Nogs’s body floated limply towards the ceiling. Triple A assumed a karate stance and Wolf moved forwards but G-Force held them back.
‘Wait,’ he whispered. ‘We’ve got to be clever.’ He nodded at the others and a silent understanding passed between them.
‘We. Are. Authorised. By. DREGS. To. Seize. This. Space. Station,’ said the alien leader.
‘DREGS?’ asked G-Force, as the group formed a tighter nucleus.
‘Yes. DREGS. Debris. Rubbish. Excess. Garbage. Specialists,’ said the alien. ‘We. Have. Permission. To. Tow. Illegally. Parked. Space. Station. Effective. Immediately.’
‘No way,’ said George.
‘Yes. Way,’ said the alien.
‘Then let us take the Emergency Crew Vehicle back to Earth with the Commander,’ said G-Force, feeling a stab in the heart. ‘He needs medical attention.’
‘Primate. Life. Is. Of. No. Concern.’ said the alien. ‘This. Is. Business.’
‘Business,’ said Logan, pushing forwards. ‘You should talk to me then. I know about business.’
The alien trained his gun on Logan. ‘Who. Are. You?’ he said.
‘I’m Logan Bratwurst III,’ said Logan. ‘My father owns Earth and also 90 percent of the satellites orbiting the planet. Let’s do a deal.’
Logan puffed out his chest and floated ahead of the kid astronauts. At last, someone was taking his position seriously. He knew he was born to lead.
‘Seize. Him,’ said the alien to his henchmen. ‘He. Is. Worth. More. Than. Scrap. The. Rest. Vacate. Space. Station. Or. Die!’
The hench-lizards shuffled forwards to seize Logan but the group formed a shield around him.
‘Get back,’ screamed G-Force. ‘We’d die before we’d let you take a crew member.’
The other kid astronauts nodded in agreement and Logan looked at each of them in surprise. They were prepared to die for him? They thought of him as a crew member?
No one had ever cared that much about him before. His dad was never home and his mum was always at parties. He had thought his dad would maybe take more notice of him if he said he wanted to go into space but his dad just wrote out a big fat cheque and told him to knock himself out.
Logan’s eyes began to fill with tears. They bounced right out of his eyes in little bubbles and danced in front of the astronauts. As they floated by, the aliens began to panic and tried to dodge them—as if they were acid.
Of course, thought G-Force, watching them. Water. Back home in the Outback, when lizards had tried to come into their house, his mum would spray them gently with cold water. Lizards are coldblooded animals so they can’t regulate their internal body temperature. The water cooled the lizards and made them sluggish, which meant that G-Force could catch them and release them outside.
G-Force lifted up his arm, the hydration gun in his hand. The tap contained two buttons; one for hot water, the other for cold. He pointed and fired. A spray of freezing water shot forth and turned into a massive water bubble that splattered on contact with the alien’s scaly skin, momentarily dazzling him.
Wolf took the cue. ‘ARGH,’ he yelled, as he came barrelling across the space station and shoulder charged one of the aliens, sending him and his gun flying. Triple A unleashed a roundhouse karate kick on the second alien, who crumpled and screeched an agonising metallic scream.
‘Under. Attack. Under. Attack,’ said the lizard leader as water bombs hit him from all angles.
‘Ping, keep spraying and drench them!’ directed G-Force as he handed Ping the water gun. ‘Logan, help me!’
‘Yes, G-Force,’ said Logan, as they both went flying through space to grab the alien leader. ‘Get his gun. Get his gun.’
Just then the burning hot red light came back. ‘Surrender. Our. Lizards. And. Weapons. Or. Fry,’ said a disembodied metallic voice.
‘Quick, push them into the light,’ said G-Force, as he and Logan dragged the lizard’s stunned body over to the burning beam. Ping and Triple A carried the second, while Wolf was big enough to wrestle the last one on his own.
The lizards and their weapons floated in the light and disappeared from view.
‘Rebooting, rebooting,’ said OK Computer, whirring back into action. ‘Rebooting, rebooting . . .’
The lights flicked back on and the crew looked around them. The lifeless body of Nogs was floating in the air. They all raced to him.
‘Nogs!’ G-Force said, choking back his tears, as Ping, Triple A, Wolf and Logan gathered around him in the shape of a floating pentagon. But there was no sign of life from Nogs—no beating heart, no steady breathing. Tears streamed down G-Force’s face, defying the laws of physics, and splattered onto Nogs. G-Force loved Nogs as much as he did his own dad. ‘No, no, no, no!’ he cried.
‘Wait,’ said Ping, suddenly feeling Nogs’s strong pulse. ‘I think he’s coming around.’
Nogs wiped the tears from his face and opened his soft brown eyes. He smiled weakly at them. ‘Is everyone okay?’ he said, thinking of his crew first.
‘Yeah! we kicked their butts!’ said G-Force, hugging Nogs as hard as he could.
‘This is Mission Control. Over,’ said Mission Control, urgently. ‘I repeat. Come in, ISS.’
‘ISS. Over,’ said Commander Nogs, sitting up. ‘Receiving.’
‘They’re alive!’ said Mission Control, amid wild cheering from Earth. ‘Our instruments have detected deadly levels of carbon dioxide that should have killed you. You’ve been out of contact for days.’
‘Days?’ said G-Force. ‘But it’s only been about ten minutes. There were three lizard alien garbage men from DREGS and I sprayed them with water and—’
‘You’ve obviously suffered acute poisoning from the CO2,’ said Mission Control, ‘and one of the effects is hallucinations.’
The kids looked at each other.
‘But it’s all true,’ said Logan as the other kids shouted the same. ‘It’s true! We all remember it. You’ve got to believe us.’
‘You’ll be fully debriefed when you return to Earth,’ said Mission Control.
G-Force George smiled to himself. It didn’t matter if people on Earth believed them or not.
They would remember this forever.
ABOUT
THE
AUTHORS
Andy Griffiths
Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s most popular children’s authors. From his bestselling, awardwinning Treehouse series to the JUST! books (both series illustrated by Terry Denton) and The Day My Bum Went Psycho, Andy’s books have captivated Australian kids for more than 20 years. His books have been New York Times bestsellers, adapted for the stage and television and won more than 50 Australian children’s choice awards. Andy, a passionate advocate for literacy, is an ambassador for The Indigenous Literacy Foundation and The Pyjama Foundation.
What makes me laugh is when Terry Denton’s head catches on fire and he plunges it into a tank full of water to put it out only it’s not a tank full of water . . . it’s a tank full of SHARKS! That really makes me laugh.
Andrew Daddo
Andrew Daddo has written more than 20 bestselling books for all ages—picture books, chapter books, short story collections, young adult novels and adult non-fiction. He writes each mont
h for Australian Golf Digest and contributes regularly to Essential Kids, Sydney Morning Herald and various travel magazines.
In 2015, he starred on I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! but his first real TV job was as host of the ABC’s national music show The Factory. After a year in New York as the first Australian to graduate to MTV ‘VJ’, he returned to host programs like The World’s Greatest Commercials, Australia’s Funniest People and news program 11AM. He’s presented the Olympics with Seven in Sydney and Beijing, enjoyed the good life of a professional traveller with The Great Outdoors, and appeared in three films and one stage show.
Over the past ten years he has spoken to literally hundreds of thousands of school children about the importance of literacy.
People being themselves when they don’t know anyone’s watching, that makes me laugh. Nose pickers at the traffic lights. Car groovers. Reflection gawkers. Kids kicking the winning goal in a world cup. I love all of it. People being themselves, it’s fun, and it’s usually very funny.
Frances Watts
Frances Watts was born in Switzerland and grew up in Australia. Her bestselling picture books include Goodnight Mice! (ill. Judy Watson), the winner of the 2012 Prime Minister’s Award for Children’s Fiction; 2006 CBCA Honour Book Kisses for Daddy (ill. David Legge); and 2008 Children’s Book Council of Australia award-winner Parsley Rabbit’s Book about Books (ill. David Legge). Frances is also the author of the fantasy/adventure series the Gerander Trilogy and the Sword Girl series (ill. Gregory Rogers), as well as two YA novels: The Raven’s Wing, set in Ancient Rome, and The Peony Lantern, set in nineteenth-century Japan.
www.franceswatts.com
Frances Watts is a very serious person. She doesn’t like jokes or games or puzzles or pranks or quips or riddles, and she never laughs. Except at cheese. She thinks cheese is hilarious. Also lobsters.
Sam Bowring
Sam began writing at a young age, and his first book was published when he was nineteen. He also works as a stand-up comedian and TV writer, and enjoys croissants a bit too much. Recently he created a new card game, Bedlam, which can be found at www.madhouseink.com. He was named after the family cat.
I work as a stand-up comedian, which comes with the nice bonus that many of my co-workers (the other comedians) make me laugh, both on stage and off. I must admit that I also cackle at my own jokes sometimes. Sometimes I will think of a joke in my head when I’m sitting alone on the bus, and laugh. I’m sure that nobody thinks I’m crazy at all!
Randa
Abdel-Fattah
Randa Abdel-Fattah is an award-winning author of young adult books, such as Does My Head Look Big in This?, Ten Things I Hate About Me, and Where The Streets Had a Name. She is a regular guest at schools around Australia talking to students about her books and the social justice issues they raise. Randa has also been a guest at international writers’ festivals including Sweden’s Gothenburg and Litterlund book festivals (2007 and 2008), Kuala Lumpur’s Book festival (2008), and Sharjah International Book Festival (2014). Her books are sold throughout the world and she has toured in Brunei, the United Kingdom, the USA, Sweden, Qatar, Dubai, Egypt and Malaysia. Randa worked as a litigation lawyer for almost ten years but is now undertaking a PhD exploring everyday multiculturalism and racism in Australia. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their three children.
Seeing somebody trip never fails to make me laugh. I know that’s mean, but I’m equal opportunity about it because if I trip, I laugh harder. Anybody who accidentally burps or farts loudly in public. Really good impersonations of famous people. Willy Wonka Meme generator. And this note from my son: Can you get me Skylanders if I get all my spelling test write?
James O’Loghlin
James O’Loghlin is a television and radio host, a comedian and an author. His first novel for children, The Adventures of Sir Roderick the Not-Very Brave won the award for the best book for 8 to 10 year olds at the 2014 Speech Pathology Awards, and was shortlisted for the 2015 NSW Premier’s Award for Children’s literature. His second, Daisy Malone and the Blue Glowing Stone was published in 2015, and his third (which is all finished, except for the title) will be published in 2016. He is currently sitting at home trying to work out what happens next.
Other people falling over is always hilarious, especially if they are all dressed up and carrying a large bowl of soup. The more important looking and serious a person is, the funnier it is when they fall over.
Unexpected noises can be funny, either human made or not. The quack of a duck is often funny, but a lion’s roar never is.
Penguins walking is quite funny, but penguins swimming isn’t.
Someone trying very hard not to laugh is funny. For example, if you are at a school assembly and you know that if anyone laughs they will get in big trouble, and then someone starts to laugh and has to try to stop themselves . . . that’s funny.
Judith Rossell
Judith Rossell is a writer and illustrator. Her books include maze and puzzle books, picture books and novels, and have been published in 16 languages. Recently, her picture book, Oliver, was published by Harper Collins in New York. Her illustrated novel Withering-by-Sea was a CBCA Honour Book. She has also illustrated many books by other writers, including, most recently, Bogtrotter, by Margaret Wild. She teaches writing and has a cat the size of a walrus.
www.judithrossell.com
Funny friends, little kids, and jokes like this: A man walks into a bar with a big green frog on top of his head. The bartender says, ‘That’s amazing! Where did you get it?’ And the frog says, ‘Well, it started off as a little wart on my bum.’
Tristan Bancks
Tristan Bancks is a children’s and teen author with a background in acting and filmmaking. His books include the My Life series, Mac Slater Coolhunter (Australia and US) and Two Wolves, a crime-mystery novel for middle-graders (US release as On the Run, November 2015). Two Wolves was Honour Book in the 2015 Children’s Book Council of Australia Book of the Year Awards and is shortlisted for the YABBA Children’s Choice Awards. Tristan is excited by the future of storytelling and inspiring others to create.
www.tristanbancks.com
I LOVE stand-up comedy. I like humour that shocks and surprises me. I can’t help but laugh when things go wrong! As a kid I was a HUGE fan of Roald Dahl, Paul Jennings and MAD Magazine. And, now, David Walliams’s books make me laugh out loud.
Lollie Barr
Lollie Barr is an international freelance journalist. She has written for Marie Claire, Conde Nast Traveler, Cosmopolitan, Virgin Voyeur, Cleo, Elle, Eve, She, New Woman, Women’s Health, The Sunday Telegraph, and The Mirror. Her first novel for younger readers, The Adventures of Stunt Boy and his Amazing Wonder Dog Blindfold, was published in 2014. It was Highly Commended in the Davitt Awards 2015, and was also a CBCA Notable. Lollie divides her time between Mullumbimby, NSW, and Berlin, Germany.
Last week, I saw a man in a Vietnamese restaurant in Berlin, Germany, fall off his chair and land on his bum in a little fancy pond. The worst thing was the pond had lots of fairy lights! So everybody saw his soaking wet trousers when he stood up. I felt really sorry for him but I couldn’t help but have a little chuckle. Once I fell into a really cold pond in the middle of winter in England wearing a thick coat and gumboots three sizes too big. My friend Andrew laughed his head off, but I didn’t think it was funny at the time, but I do now.
ABOUT
THE
ILLUSTRATOR
Andrea Innocent
Andrea Innocent began professionally illustrating after returning from living in Japan in 2006. Her personal illustrations tell stories of Japanese ghosts, folktales and depict quirky newspaper articles. Her commercial work covers many areas from editorial illustration to animation. Clients include Microsoft, The Melbourne Recital Centre, Malvern Star, Rolling Stone Magazine, The Australian and The Age. She is also a member of The Jacky Winter Group in Melbourne.
Andrea has also given talks and workshops on all s
orts of topics related to illustration and design, such as professional practice, drawing, marketing and character design. She also teaches part-time.
She is currently working from her home studio in the hills with her partner, infant son, elderly cat and her Welsh Cardigan Corgi ‘Pickles McGerkin’.
www.andreainnocent.com
What makes me laugh is sports mascots, particularly Japanese baseball characters. It’s something about the enormous head, usually being held up by tiny, comical looking arms and the completely uncoordinated way they run around and into things. That’s what makes me laugh, that and making food into a face :-).
First published 2015 in Macmillan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, 2000
This selection copyright © Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd 2015
‘I am a ro-bot’ from Just Shocking! by Andy Griffiths, first published by Pan
Macmillan Australia 2007. Text copyright © Backyard Stories Ltd 2007
‘The Very Good Get’ copyright © Andrew Daddo 2015
‘Amelia Bucket and the Rockin’ Rock’ copyright © Frances Watts 2015
‘Rodent Pie and Toenail Tea’ copyright © Sam Bowring 2015
‘Unstick Your Face’ copyright © Randa Abdel-Fattah 2015
‘The Perfect Revenge’ copyright © James O’Loghlin 2015
Laugh Your Head Off Page 10