Even now I imagined him surprising me by showing up at my door, looking amazing in his tux, and asking me to go with him.
Obviously not going to happen.
Then I’d planned on Nguyen coming to dinner before we headed out, together, to the dance.
Again, that wasn’t happening either. Rafael was going to pick him up, meet his parents, and then go to the dance. I could imagine the awkward meeting. Maybe a couple of photos of the happy couple taken by Nguyen’s dad.
The two of them walking down the sidewalk to Rafael’s car. Maybe holding hands. Maybe Rafael would open the car door for Nguyen. Maybe as they drove off, Rafael would rest his hand on Nguyen’s leg. I couldn’t imagine Nguyen making the first move. Maybe they’d sneak a fast kiss at a red light.
And I was kind of okay with that. Basically.
I mean, sure it hurt a little. Or even more than a little.
But I liked them both. And if it wasn’t going to be me with Nguyen, I’m glad it was Rafael. They seemed to make each other happy. And if they were happy, I was happy for them.
At least that’s what I kept telling myself. And honestly, I mostly meant it.
Mostly.
I was still at the table, thinking, petting Clark, who had moved underneath the table and between my knees, when Mom and Dad got home.
They had brought pizza. And breadsticks. And cannoli. And gelato.
Three pints.
“Your dad and I thought you might need this tonight,” Mom said.
She was right. I did.
I set the table. Mom and Dad opened a bottle of wine and, in honor of the occasion of the dance, poured me a glass as well.
“We thought you could use this as well,” Mom added.
After that, we ate mostly in silence, with nobody really wanting to address the proverbial elephant in the room.
Finally, I said something.
“Look… I’m fine. It’s cool. I know it’s weird I’m going without a date to the dance that I started and I know you hoped I’d be going with Nguyen, but it’s totally 100 percent okay. Promise. Nguyen is going to have a great time. And I… well, I know that without me, none of this would have happened. I helped make it happen for him and all those other kids. And that makes me very, very happy. Okay?”
And after saying it, I realized it was true. Because of me, a lot of kids would be able to get together and dance with whoever they wanted to dance with for the first time ever.
Dad cleared his throat and gave Mom a look.
“You know we both love you, and we’ve respected your privacy and never pressed you about that night. But I’d like to get this out for me, to share with you and your mom what that night was like for me.
“For us.
“And to let you know how much you mean to us.
“Your mom and I were both asleep when Kristen called in hysterics. ‘You’ve got to get here… there’s been….’
“She stopped. Then Ziggy, I guess it was, got on the phone. He told me that something had happened, something bad… and then another long pause.
“He finally told us that you and Nate had been at a club, and there had been a shooting. And that I needed to get to City Hospital fast.
“Collin, I honestly don’t remember driving there. Next thing I knew your mom and I were at the desk. The nurses told us you’d lost a lot of blood… a lot of blood… but that the prognosis was good and we should go ahead and take a seat and wait.
“And wait and wait.
“You can’t imagine what it was like.”
He was right. I can’t.
“I remember me and your mom sitting there in silence, holding hands. Just waiting.
“As we sat there, the waiting room filled up with other parents, boyfriends and girlfriends… all of them with the same stunned scared look on their faces as your mom and I must have had on ours.
“I remember they had to bring in more chairs. And still some people had to stand.
“Nobody said a word. That was the eerie thing, nobody said a word. Everyone there was in their own world of shock and grief.”
I sat silently, kicking myself for not even beginning to imagine what that must have been like for them.
I don’t think I’d ever loved them so much.
“Periodically, doctors would emerge from those swinging doors they hide behind to tell someone the good news or the bad.
“Finally it was our turn. You were out of surgery and a full recovery was expected.
“Your mom cried. I did my best not to.
“I told her she should go home and walk Clark and get some rest. I stayed with you. No point in both your mom and I being exhausted.
“When I went in to see you, I had to brace myself to keep from crumbling. You were attached to so many machines, and you looked so young, so pale. I did the only thing I could think to do. I held your hand and told you how much I loved you and held your hand until you woke up.”
At first I didn’t know what to say. But then I did.
“Dad… I… thank you. Thank you for staying with me. And thank you for being there when I woke up. I’m… I’m glad yours was the first face I saw.”
Mom took a deep breath. “Since it seems to be this kind of evening, and I don’t get to talk to you about… well, about the things that matter all that often….”
“Oh, Mom….”
“Collin—be quiet and listen.
“I don’t think you know how proud I am of you. How proud your dad and I both are…. We’ve never talked about what happened that night, and I think I understand why you haven’t wanted to—to us, anyway—and… I’m not sure if I really want to either. I can imagine what it must have been like, but hearing you tell me about it would, well, I don’t think I could stand it.”
I saw her struggling not to cry, so I looked away.
“I will say this, though… the way you came out of it and then out of that dark space you were in for so long after it happened… your father and I both know now that you can handle pretty much anything life chooses to throw at you.
“If I’d gone through anything like you’ve gone through at your age, I would have been broken. But you, you’re stronger than ever. Don’t ever forget that, Collin. You’re far stronger than I think you realize. And that’s your gift, and one that will get you through almost anything.”
I started to say “Oh, Mom” again but didn’t. I’d let her have that moment. And besides, I liked what she said.
It was time for me to get ready, and as I got up to head upstairs, I told them this:
“I know I’ve been difficult… that everything has been difficult… that I’ve been difficult and haven’t tried to make it easier. I’m sorry. And I love you both.”
Then headed up before they had a chance to say anything.
Putting on my tux and getting ready for the night was kind of sad. I never thought I’d be doing it alone.
Time for a brief pity party in my honor, especially because I couldn’t figure out how to tie my tie.
But then there was a knock on my door. Dad came in, and without saying a word, came over and helped me with the bow tie I had been struggling with, said, “There you go,” and left.
It was just what I needed.
One more quick glimpse of myself in the mirror—okay, two—and I was ready to go.
Mom and Dad were, of course, waiting at the bottom of the stairs, ready for some serious picture taking. Me alone. Me and Mom. Me and Dad.
Dad drove me to school; I’d uber or get a ride home with someone there. When we pulled into the parking lot, there was a group of what looked like protestors near the entrance. “Want me to come with you?” Dad asked.
“Nope, I’ve got this,” I replied, got out of the car, and with help of my cane, slowly made my way toward the entrance.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I HEADED toward the school, ready, as they say, to get the party started. But standing between me in the parking lot and the school were the pr
otestors.
And leading them, of course, was Nate’s mom.
Of course.
There weren’t a lot of them out there, maybe fifteen or so. But they were loud.
And they sounded angry.
“Say no to gay, say yes to God!” some of them chanted over and over and over. Some were on their knees praying.
I was going to try and avoid them if I could, but Nate’s mom saw me. And started yelling:
“That’s him! That’s Collin, he’s the one, he’s the faggot who turned my son against me and my family and my beliefs. He’s the one who got my son killed. And yet there he is, all dressed up in his rented tux, getting ready to go to this… so-called dance… while my son is dead and buried in the ground. How can you do it, Collin? How can you live with yourself?”
I froze and started shaking. I was positive I was going to lose it then and there but got a grip on myself and stood my ground.
Meanwhile, Nate’s mom continued onward.
“Why are you alive and my son isn’t? What did you do to save him? Did you do anything? Are you proud of yourself? Are you happy with yourself? Look me in the eye and talk to me, Collin. Talk to me about my son and how you… how you… sodomized him and how he died because of you. Talk to me!”
This seemed to be one of those moments when what I said or did next mattered a lot. To Nate’s mom and to me. I could move forward and try to get myself out of that club once and for all, or run and hide and always be afraid of facing the reality of what happened that night.
I made up my mind.
“Mrs. Jonson, I’ll talk to you, but not here, not in front of all these people. Let’s go inside and I’ll tell you everything. Okay?”
She stood silently for what seemed like a very long time, nodded, and followed me into the school.
I took her to the room where the alliance met. I didn’t explain it to her, but it made me feel better knowing that in some way, Nate would be there with me.
I closed the door behind us. Nate’s mom sat down across from me. And I just started talking. It was like I’d been preparing for this since it happened; it’s a story I’d told myself so many times, so many times replaying it in my mind, hoping something would change the next time and that the ending would be somehow different.
It never was.
Was I telling the story to Mrs. Jonson? To myself?
To Nate?
Was I telling her as a way of explanation to Nate?
I really don’t know.
But I knew she was the one I had to tell it to.
And that she needed to hear it.
From me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“HERE’S THE thing,” I said.
“Let me start by telling you how sorry I am about what I texted you. It was a lie. I was really upset about your texts and… well, a lot of other stuff that was going on in my life, and I took it out on you and texted you something that I knew would hurt you worse than anything I could imagine. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not me, and not who I want to be. And again, I am very sorry.”
She stared at me, silent and stone-faced. But I continued.
“That night.
“When Nate and I left the first bar we went to, Adam’s Place, the streets were more crowded than they were before. And we were more than slightly hammered.”
I hesitated telling her that, but I figured she should know everything.
“There was a line at the door when we got there, which gave us time to change our minds if we’d wanted to.
“But we didn’t.
“Mrs. Jonson, I’ve wondered maybe a million times since that night what would have happened if either of us had hesitated, or admitted that maybe we weren’t ready for this, or that we just weren’t sure.
“But we didn’t.
“Neither of us did. I swear to you.”
I paused here, not sure how much Mrs. Jonson wanted to know. Or how much I wanted her to know.
“Keep going,” she said in a cold, harsh voice, staring directly at me. “Tell me everything. I want to know what happened to my son. Why he was there with you defying God instead of safe at home with me and his family. Tell me.”
I took a deep breath. Did I still want to hurt her? Maybe. So I told her everything. And didn’t hold back.
She got the same speech I’d been going over and over in my head since it happened, trying to make sense of what had happened. The one I would have given Josh. Or Nguyen. Or my parents.
But for some reason, it had to be her. She was the one who most needed to hear it.
“It was so amazing when we got in. So many guys, so much energy, the music, the lights… I’d never seen anything like that. I’d never felt anything like that.
“Neither had Nate,” I told her. “I could tell.
“We made our way to the bar, getting the look from more hot guys than I’d expected before catching the eye of the bartender, another muscled guy in a tight tank top, and ordering drinks.”
I never took my eyes off Nate’s mom as I talked; I could see every expression, every cringe, every look of disgust as it crossed her face. But I didn’t care. She needed to know. I needed her to know.
“Nate and I looked at each other and smiled.
“And tried to figure out what to do next.
“We ordered more drinks. Then two guys came up to us.
“They were a couple of years older than us. They were both good-looking college guys. Paul—that was his name. I remember it now. How weird. Paul was the taller one, and the other guy was Bryan. He was a little shorter.
“I remember how loud the club was, the music and all the talking, so that to carry on any kind of conversation, you had to lean in and speak, well, almost yell, right into the other person’s ear. Which is kind of what paired me off with Paul, and Nate with Bryan.
“From the look on Nate’s face, he was not unhappy with how that worked out.
“Paul seemed like a good guy, a nice guy, so did Bryan.
“I remember… I remember the way his warm breath felt in my ear as he spoke closely to me and the way his hands felt as he touched me, at first to make a point and then just to touch me. It was having its desired effect.
“That and the drinks I’d had and continued to have.
“Nate seemed to be totally into Bryan as well. He was smiling. And laughing. And totally at ease. This is what he’d wanted for so long, Mrs. Jonson, and now it was happening. At last.
“He was being himself. And accepted.
“I promise you, he was happy.”
And as I spoke to Nate’s mom, I could actually feel Paul’s hand on me. I could smell the combination of his cologne and light sweat. I could see the way his biceps filled the sleeves of his tight gray T-shirt.
I could hear the music.
I remembered wondering if anything was going to happen.
“Keep going,” she said. “Did Nate dance with that boy? Did he kiss him? Was that boy kissing him? Is this what was happening when he got killed?”
Was she trying to punish herself by hearing this? Was she trying to justify what happened to him?
Whatever. I honestly don’t know.
Or understand.
I took a breath and went on.
“Without saying a word, Paul took my hand and led me out onto the dance floor. Bryan did the same thing with Nate.
“At first we were dancing as a group, me with Paul, me with Bryan, me with Nate, Paul with Bryan, and it was just fun. The music was great, we were all smiling and laughing and getting drunk on the drinks and the music and each other, and it was good. So good.
“Then it started getting more intense and more serious. Paul was dancing closer and closer to me. His hands were on me and mine were on him. It got more heated and more sexual and free and more of what I had kind of expected it would be like.”
As I was telling this to Mrs. Jonson, it suddenly hit me that I’d never be able to dance like that again.
&n
bsp; “The room seemed to be pulsating. Music and lights and dancing and heat and the DJ knew exactly what to play and how to push it to send us all soaring.
“There were guys dancing with guys and girls dancing with girls. There were people making out. There were couples who had obviously just met and were just as obviously planning to get to know each other better.
“It was like I had always imagined it was like, but even more so.
“Like we both had imagined it would be like.
“It was so hot.”
I paused, remembering it all, flush with excitement and living in that moment. “Don’t stop,” Mrs. Jonson said, her voice a harsh whisper. “Keep going.”
I don’t think I could have stopped, even if I wanted to. I wasn’t even talking to her at this point and had kind of forgotten she was there and where I even was. I was there in my head. At the club. On that night. This wasn’t for her. This was for me. And for Nate.
So I continued.
“I was drunk and turned-on and sweaty and deliriously happy. I could have lived in that moment for a very long time.
“I wish I still could. That I could have frozen time and be in that moment forever.
“I remember looking over to see how Nate was doing. He seemed to be as happy as I was. As happy as I’d ever seen him. I mean that, Mrs. Jonson. He was so happy. He seemed so free.
“He seemed so himself.
“Paul was starting to pull off his sweaty T-shirt and I was looking at him while he did, and then I heard it.
“The first one.
“Then another and another and another.
“Faster and faster and faster.
“Nobody knew what was going on. The music was so loud and people were drunk and dancing and suddenly people were falling. Dropping. Screaming. Running.
“It was….
“It was….
“There are no words.
“I looked around trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t see the guy shooting and thought and tried to tell myself that the sounds were part of the DJ’s show.
What Happens After Page 16