Jesus, Mary, and the other guy, I am in love with you.
You are the most beautiful, gorgeous, unbelievable girl in the country, Lydia, and I am totally in awe of you.
I’m out of here. I’ll drop this off at the Ashbury mail box on my way to the oval, being careful of gas explosions. You tell me a time and place where we can meet, okay? I want to take you out to say thank you for this.
You rock
Seb
Dear Lydia
Hey, what happened to you? It’s been like a week or something and I haven’t heard back. I thought you were planning on sending me a challenge of your own?
Did I not thank you enough? I seem to recall that I told you you were gorgeous and sexy or something like that. That’s good enough, isn’t it?
Where are you?
I miss your crazy talk. I really want to meet you in person.
Seb
Lydia?
Dear Sebastian
Do you understand that you can get out a new piece of paper if you change your mind about writing something?
Lydia
Dear beautiful Lydia
I don’t know what you’re talking about but it’s good to hear your voice again. I forgive you for being a freak but, because I’m in love with you for making that happen with the alarm. That was a nice touch keeping me in suspense like that but in future you might think about my blood pressure. Meantime, I’m hanging to take you out to your favourite location and worship you for life.
Hey, did I ever tell you I have a little brother? He loves you too. He’s like no age or something. Like ZERO years old, but he loves you. I’ll get him to dribble on the paper here for you when I get home.
You’re making me nervous by being so weird.
But your weirdness is what I like about you.
Seb
Dear Seb
Actually, I think it’s fairly common for people not to like being called deceptive and a snake and a non-team player who never hits the ball with their head or whatever that soccer crap was about hand balls and messing up my hair—and you say I’m the one who talks like a crazy person?
It’s actually not ‘weird’ or ‘freakish’ at all. To stop writing after being insulted.
And it doesn’t make it okay that on the next page you said you were in love with me. You wanted me to let you know when I was being serious. Okay, I’m letting you know. That letter pissed me off. You were making these assumptions about me and imagining you knew me, and the fact is, Seb, you don’t.
And come on. Giving me a lecture because the alarm didn’t go off? You wanted to get out of an exam or something, Seb. I’m not a moron. Why didn’t you just skip school for the afternoon? Or actually do the exam?
Last year, when my friend Cass came back to school after her father died, we had exams, and Cass is not the exam type to begin with. And she couldn’t walk down a corridor without people spinning out of her way because they were afraid to look her in the eye.
Do you think she went around shouting at people about not being team players? And trying to get out of exams?
No. She just stared straight ahead and wrote the exams.
Except for the Science exam, because Em and I decided she needed a break that day and took her to the movies.
You could learn some lessons in strength of character from Cass.
Best wishes
Lydia
PS Here is your challenge:
1. At 1 pm tomorrow go to the refrigerator section of the Harvey Norman store in Castle Towers.
2. You will see a huge cardboard polar bear carrying a sign that says: ‘THIS WEEK ONLY! POLAR BEAR%FRIDGES—GET THEM WHILE THEY’RE COLD!’
3. By 2 pm the huge cardboard polar bear must be standing outside the World of Pets Pet Shop. The sign should say: ‘THIS WEEK ONLY! POLAR BEARS—GET THEM WHILE THEY’RE COLD!’
4. Send me a photo of this.
Lydia
The polar bear challenge?
Easy.
Seb
To: LYDIA JAACKSON-OBERMAN
SPECIAL COVERT OPERATION REPORT
Agent: Seb Mantegna
Aka: AKA*
Special No.: 101010101010010101
SPECIAL PASSWORD: Sultana Bran with banana, thanks Mum
EXPERIENCE: Task Force Operations in Indonesia, Korea, Russia, Iraq; local training in Baulkham Hills and Glenhaven
SPECIAL MENTION: Instrumental in ending the Cold War; knocked over the Berlin Wall etc
PRO: Black belt in tae kwon do; kick-arse soccer player; knows how to makeup baby’s bottle with correct amount of formula; knows how to make baby smile by tickling baby’s little chin with feather
CON: Memory sucks so will sometimes say something in a letter and forget to throw letter away and start again
OPERATION: Operation Polar Bear
Assigned by Agent Lydia
RESULT: Successfully completed (see photograph attachment)
FIELD NOTES: Agent Mantegna wants to say sorry to Agent Lydia for letter where forgot to start again after sledging Lydia unfairly when Operation Alarm was successfully completed by Agent Lydia. See Con above.
Dear Seb
Okay, I forgive you. I always forgive people when they say sorry.
That was a pretty cool operation you did. I take my hat off to you and bow down to the ground but get those shoes away from me. I’m not kissing those shoes. You hear me? Are you kidding? GET THEM AWAY FROM ME! GET YOUR STINKING SHOES AWAY FROM ME!!
Sorry, I’m kind of tired. It’s after midnight.
Are you really a black belt in tae kwon do?
I hope you’re not trying to impress me with those baby-related talents: I don’t think it’s anything special in a guy to know how to take care of kids. All guys should know that, especially if your mum recently had a new baby.
Plus, is it safe to touch a baby with a feather? Where did you get the feather from? Is the feather attached to a bird? What sort of bird? Is it a parrot?
THE PARROT’S CLAWS COULD HURT THE BABY, SEBASTIAN. YOU IDIOT.
It’s twenty to one and I keep looking up from the computer to the window and seeing my own face which is a shock. Especially when I catch a smile on my face meaning I think I’m being funny.
But when I look past my own face I can see our back lawn with such gentle moonlight on it: so gentle, it’s like it’s afraid of touching.
By the way, I don’t think you have to be rich to have a frosted-glass breakfast pyramid. It’s not really a pyramid either, it’s just a triangular prism.
I don’t know the difference either.
My dad gave me a surprise today by getting my walls painted a kind of disgusting tangerine colour, like a fake sunset. I’ve been saying I want to rip off the wallpaper and paint the walls myself, and my stupid father thinks he’s doing me a favour by getting professionals in to paint while I was at school. He was so proud of himself.
‘Dad,’ I said, ‘I wanted to paint them myself.’
‘Lydia,’ he said, ‘is that a fact?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It is a fact.’
I will now go to sleep.
See you
Lyd
PS It’s your turn to give me an assignment now.
To: SPECIAL AGENT LYDIA
From: AKA
SPECIAL COVERT OPERATION ASSIGNMENT
ASSIGNMENT DESCRIPTION
Set off smoke-alarm sprinkler system at Brookfield High, 11 am, next Tuesday. This only has to happen in the classrooms along the second-floor balcony of the north-west wing but go ahead and make it happen in the whole school if you prefer.
FIELD NOTES: Sorry about my handwriting on this Special Report, I was rocking the baby’s bassinet with my left foot the whole time.
FIELD NOTES 2: I’ve decided you get a yellow card every time you mess with my head. You’ve got one yellow card right now for the incident with the dope.
FIELD NOTES 3: Why don’t we meet somewhere in person? I could hand over the plan
s of the school or whatever you need for this assignment.
Hey Seb
I don’t think we should meet in person. That would compromise special operations.
You should just admit that you’re trying to get out of exams or whatever it is. Or are you so concerned about your fellow human beings that you want to test the fire system?
What I think should happen is, you should choose special operations that are a LITTLE bit less self-centred and more socially oriented.
Lydia
Dear Lydia
Yeah, you’ve got a point there. I should think of more people-focused assignments.
Example: I could get you to put a polar bear sign outside a pet shop. I’ve got to say, I felt my spirit soar when I shifted that sign for you. Knowing what I was doing for humanity.
Let’s just say this. I would never stoop so low as to exploit special operations to get out of exams, and you should be ashamed of yourself for your doubt. Trust me, Lyd, there’s a significant reason why I asked you to set off the school alarm and why I’m now asking for the sprinkler system etc. One day you might even find out what that reason is.
I’m thinking about getting out another yellow card for you right now, for your suspicions, and you know what a second yellow card means. It means a red card.
What I reckon should happen is, is you should buy me a coffee to apologise for the slander of my good character.
Seb
Hey Seb
Shut your mouth, exam boy.
Lyd
To: SEB MANTEGNA
SPECIAL COVERT OPERATION REPORT
Agent: Lydia Jaackson-Oberman
Aka: Lydia
Special No.: 1776
SPECIAL PASSWORD: Do you mean to say your mother makes you breakfast? Make your own.
EXPERIENCE: CLASSIFIED
SPECIAL MENTION: CLASSIFIED
PRO: Excellent at everything
CON: None
OPERATION: Operation Sprinkler System
ASSIGNED BY: Agent AKA
RESULT: Successful
FIELD NOTES: Too easy
Dear Lydia
You are as beautiful as the Irish equaliser by Robbie Keane in injury time in the Ireland v Germany game, 2002 World Cup, Korea.
I have now got a kick-arse cold from the sprinkler water falling on my head. That’s my only complaint. You could have made it start just before I got into the room. But I swear to you it is the most beautiful cold I ever had.
Why can’t we meet in person for you to give me the next assignment? We could see a movie and you could give me the assignment while the previews are on.
Seb
Dear Seb
Why would I want to meet you when you have a cold? I could catch the cold.
I can’t concentrate right now because Em and Cass are on either side of me having a loud argument about what whales sound like when they’re singing. They’re giving a lot of examples to support their own arguments, which is really making people stare.
I’ll interrupt them to ask them what causes colds. (I’m pretty sure it’s not sprinkler systems.)
It was difficult to get them to stop talking but as soon as I did Em had an answer. She said colds travel around on the fur of rats, and that is what caused the plague and she’s not surprised that people at Brookfield have colds because it’s rat-infested.
Cass said people get colds when they walk around with their mouths open.
So shut your mouth, Seb, and you’ll be fine.
It’s interesting that you suggest I give you an assignment during the previews of a movie. You need to learn a little respect for previews. They’re our favourite part. Em always cries in the previews for sad movies because she guesses what sad thing might happen in the actual movie, and Cass packs her things up, like ready to go home, when the previews finish. As in, to indicate humorously that’s all she needs to see.
Okay, I’ve thought of an assignment for you.
Well, we always go to the movies on Thursdays after lunch and what we do is, we take the path through the reserve behind our school to get to the station. Do you know the reserve? People go there at lunch to smoke up or buy drugs, so you probably know it. Also, people jog there all the time. But whenever I hear running footsteps behind me I think it’s someone chasing us. Like a teacher. To arrest us. Even though I know it’s just a jogger.
So this is the assignment.
1. Go to the reserve and tie purple ribbons around as many branches of the trees as you can. That way I’ll see them and be distracted from the running footsteps.
2. Try to do it by lunchtime Thursday.
I hope that’s enough notice for you.
See ya
Lydia
Hey Lyd
I did the ribbon thing for you. Very weird request.
Is it okay if I send you my next special task now? It’s urgent.
This is it:
To: SPECIAL AGENT LYDIA
From: AKA
ASSIGNMENT DESCRIPTION
Think up a way to stop me having to do my Science exam on Wednesday. The Science teacher is ‘the Rattler’ if that helps. Also known as ‘the Rattlesnake’. Maybe you want to kill him?
FIELD NOTES: Okay, you broke me down. These are exam avoidance techniques. I can’t think of any other way to disguise them.
FIELD NOTES 2: You talk about your friends Emily and Cassie a fair bit. Are they as hot as you?
Dear Seb
I forgive you for the exam thing because I knew it all along. Also because I loved the ribbons around the trees in the park. Thank you v. v. much.
Em and Cass came over to my place on the weekend and we just watched movies and listened to music and painted walls etc. On Sunday we went shopping, and we were at this café and there was a bowl of sugar sachets in the middle of the table. Cass was looking at the sugar and she suddenly said, kind of quietly, ‘huh’ and she took out her mobile and dialled a number and said, in a polite voice, ‘Yes, I’m really interested in finding out more about this sugar, please?’
Because she had found a number on the side of the sugar to Call If You Want More Information About This Sugar. She kept a straight face the whole conversation and that’s exactly the way Cass is funny when she decides to be funny.
I’ve found the person you mentioned. Don’t worry about studying for the Science exam.
But I don’t see how this helps you. In the end, you’ll have to do the exams, right? So why do you keep putting it off?
Lydia
Dear Lydia
You STOLE THE EXAM PAPERS FROM HIS CAR????
How did you even know what kind of car he drives? You rock. You’re a classic. You’re as beautiful as a Beckham free kick and as wicked as that Maradona header. I’m thinking about taking off my shirt and sending it to you. I’m that in love with you.
You realise that’s THREE challenges you have succeeded in for me without a single thing going wrong?
You know what you are?
You are Argentina.
In particular, I’m thinking of the fact that Argentina beat Japan, Jamaica and Croatia without conceding a single goal in the first three games of the World Cup in 1998.
This time you have to let me take you out to say thank you. I’m not accepting a no.
Your Number 1 Fan
Dear Seb
Thanks for your praise about the stolen exam papers. But I can’t take personal credit. I have a friend with a talent for locks. You don’t need to know any names.
I don’t understand why you want to meet in person. Try to remember something: you don’t know what I look like.
You need to see a person to know what they look like. Did you not know that?
Lydia
Dear Lydia
I bet you a thousand dollars you are the most gorgeous girl in the county.
Seb
Dear Lydia
You haven’t written for five days. Where are you and when can we meet? I know that you are beautiful.
Seb
Dear Seb
Okay, just to prove how wrong you are, I’ve decided that we CAN meet. I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve figured something out.
It will be a double secret assignment and the aim is to identify the other person first.
What we’re going to do is, I’m going to tell you a place and a time and we both have to be at the place at the time, and we have to figure out which one the other person is before the other person figures it out. Does that make sense?
I haven’t decided yet where the place will be but it will be somewhere crowded and noisy. And I think it will be the last day of term before the holidays.
Gotta go
Lydia
Dear Lydia
Okay. What time will we go to the crowded/noisy place where I have to figure out which one you are before you figure out which one I am?
Seb
Dear Seb
You are so going to lose this.
I’ve figured out all the rules now. This is them:
1. We will both be at the Blue Danish Café next Friday, arriving some time between 6 and 7 pm.
2. As soon as you figure out which one is the other person, you have to go straight up to them and give them some kind of object, like a flower or something, to show you know it’s them, and then you have to leave the café immediately.
3. The first person to do that is the winner.
4. We can’t ask around at the café to find out which one the other person is.
5. Also, we can’t ask around for information about what the other person looks like before Friday night. It’s very important that you obey this and I’m trusting you, and you have to trust me. The point is to recognise the other person’s soul, not their face.
6. We can only use the following clues:
(a) We have to send each other a photo that shows something about us. Eg it could be a photo of our cat. I am enclosing a photo of my elbow now. The person in the photo who is grabbing at my elbow, trying to get me into the photo, is my father. I look absolutely nothing like my father, thank you Jesus. So his face is not a clue.
Finding Cassie Crazy Page 7