by Soto, S. M.
Endymion and I share a look, both of us burst out laughing at what a character she is.
“Luna Bella!” my mom yells, sticking her head out of the door. “Is that playdough on your papa’s carpet?”
“Crap,” Luna hisses. She hands the bouquet back over to me, before spinning on her heels and running to clean up her mess. End and I watch her until she’s gone. The flowers in my arms suddenly feel like they weigh a hundred pounds.
“So I’m guessing the flowers were her idea?”
“Not exactly. I asked her some things about you. She seemed like the best source for information.”
“Information for what exactly?”
“On how to get you to agree to that date. I had to know your favorite. But it seems she couldn’t even help in that department.”
I flush, glancing down at my feet to avoid his gaze, and shift, feeling heat crawl across my back. I’m instantly annoyed with myself. Why is it that whenever I’m in the presence of this man, he turns me back into that flushing, shy fool from our childhood? I know I’m a different person now. I’ve gone through heartbreak, birthed a child, and even opened my own business. Running into Endymion again shouldn’t still affect me this way, but it does. Goddammit, it does.
“Well, I’m sure she didn’t give the information up freely. What did you have to promise her?”
Endymion laughs. The warm sound swirls through my chest, curling around my heart. “A playground. She’s a shark, that one. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she grows up to be a lawyer.”
I twist my lips, fighting my own smile. “I have that same thought all the time.”
For a moment, we just stand there staring at each other as something heavy circulates between us. Guilt slams into me as I stare into his eyes. How can I joke around with him about Luna when he doesn’t even know she’s his daughter?
“You never did say what it was. Your favorite flower.”
“Oh, I, umm, I don’t really have a favorite.”
Endymion’s mouth twists ruefully. “Noted.”
One of the guys, Bishop I think his name is, calls out to End, asking for his help with something. I don’t remember a whole lot about Endymion’s friends, mainly because my sights were always so set on End that no one ever compared. From what I recall, Bishop has always been the rugged bad boy, through and through. He was the boy fathers warned their daughters about. There’s no denying how handsome he is now, with dark, almost inky black hair and sleeves of tattoos that cover his arms. I’m sure he’s a walking, talking wet dream for most women.
Landon was always the cleanest cut out of the guys. With an Army-style cut, tan skin, and bright blue eyes, he’s handsome to most women’s standards. His father worked at the sheriff’s station for years, and I was always so certain he’d follow in his footsteps—guess not.
The only friend I really know nothing about is Griffin. Back when I lived here, he was never around, so it makes me wonder how he became part of their group. I make a mental note to ask Julia for the scoop on that. She’s the only one who ever stays up-to-date on all the drama and gossip in town. It only makes sense she’d know how he met Endymion.
“I gotta head back, but I’ll see you tomorrow, Selene,” End cuts in, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Tomorrow?”
He smiles. The effect of it is a defibrillator to the heart. It sends a course of lightning through the organ. “Your daily dose of courting.”
An amused sound bubbles past my lips. I trap my bottom lip in my mouth, and much to my horror, I realize I’m staring up at him fondly, with an expression a woman would use with her lover. One that is entirely too smitten. “You don’t have to do this, Endymion. I’m serious.”
He shrugs, walking backward, keeping those gorgeous leafy greens on me. “I know I don’t. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop anytime soon. I told you, Selene. One date.”
With that, he turns, walking back toward the guys and my dad. When my gaze clashes with my father, my stomach churns anxiously. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, and honestly, I don’t want to know. I hurry back inside, sliding the door shut behind me. I rest my weight against it, staring up at the ceiling.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
“Wait, you’re telling me he asked you out on a date, he bought you a freaking bouquet of red roses, and you still said no? Are you dumb? Did you bump your head in Pasadena so hard you no longer have a shred of common sense?”
I shoot my best friend, Julia, a glare. Her face is just as made up as it always is. That’s Julia in a nutshell. She takes her appearance seriously. I don’t think there’s ever been a time she’s gone out in public without makeup. It isn’t that she needs it; she looks beautiful without it. She’s dressed in her work attire, a red dress that hugs her slender curves, her platinum blond bob swaying with her frustrated motions as I recount the events of the past few days. She’s beautiful inside and out, with striking features that stop men in their tracks wherever we go.
Julia works here at Rita’s Diner, one of our constant hangouts when we were younger. We’ve been meaning to catch up, but with her busy schedule, it’s been nearly impossible, so she suggested I come to her—which works in my favor since I’m jobless. If I’m going to stay here for an unknown amount of time, I need to get a job. And I figure, since my best friend works here, this might be the best place to try. I tried putting my business degree to good use, but here in a small town like this? That means nothing at all.
“Jules, I’m not that girl anymore. That crush was six years ago. I moved on. I’m not that stupid little kid anymore, hoping the hottest guy in town will take notice of her.”
“Babe. That was no crush. You were in deep with Endymion. That doesn’t just go away because you’ve been gone six years. That much I know.”
Why does everyone keep saying that?
I blow out an agitated breath. “It’s not going to work anyway. I have a daughter I’m trying to raise, and I’m supposed to be here for my father, not starting a new relationship with someone.”
“Selene, babe. I get that, I do. But at some point, you gotta live your life for you, too. I mean, hell, when was the last time you had sex?”
“Shhh!” I hiss, darting my gaze around the diner, hoping no one heard that. “It’s been…I don’t know. It’s been a long time.”
Julia narrows her eyes. It’s almost like she can read the answer as if it’s written on my forehead. “How long is a long time, exactly?” I look down at the table, focusing on the Sweet’N Low sugar packet I’m spinning around. Anything to avoid her gaze. “Selene. How long?” she demands, her voice growing impatient.
“It’s been six years,” I mumble under my breath. Julia jerks forward so quickly, it looks like someone pushed her from behind.
“I’m sorry, what the hell did you just say?”
My face is flaming in mortification. God, I hate talking about this. I didn’t really have too many people back in Pasadena I could confide in, and even when I did, I would still call Julia for weekly updates. But my sex life is something that has never been on the table—a topic not up for discussion.
“Six years.”
Julia’s face pales. Quite literally, I watch as the color drains from her face. “Oh, honey. Are you okay? I mean, does it…does it even work anymore?” she whispers, looking truly worried that my vagina is broken after six years of not being in use. I swat at her.
“Stop it! Of course, it still works.” I pause. “I mean, I think it still does. Right?”
“I’m even more confused now than I was before this conversation started. Why the hell are you saying no to Endymion? Endymion Black of all fucking people? His dick is probably huge. Imagine all the incredible sex you guys can have.”
My stomach dips and does a somersault of sorts. Hell, it feels as if acrobatics are happening in my gut.
Oh, I can imagine it all right. I can imagine it just fine. I’ve lived it and done it. It’s what got me pregnant
in the first place. It’s also why I haven’t bothered with any other relationships. No one in Pasadena came close to Endymion. Even though I promised myself I was leaving him in the past, that changed when I had Luna. She was my reminder of what I couldn’t have.
It’s not like I purposely set out to remain abstinent all these years. It’s difficult to juggle being a young single mother, trying to finish school and run a business. After I gave birth, I moved in with my mom in her duplex, and we stayed there for a few years, before we were able to upgrade to something a bit better once I opened Moonchild. With the profit I was making from it and the money from my mother’s job, it helped pay for the new house, but it was still hard to coordinate our schedules, so we could take care of Luna. While I was in college, my mom stayed home with Luna for me until I got off, then she’d head out for work and come home late at night.
When I opened Moonchild, things were a little more financially stable. Until it wasn’t. But none of it never left any room for me to go out and make friends or meet new people. I wasn’t exactly interested in starting a new relationship, so I guess I never really went out of my way to look or open myself up to more possibilities.
“I’m living with my parents, Julia. I’m not exactly in the best place to start a relationship with anyone. I need to focus on Luna and my father.”
“So what? You think Endymion doesn’t understand? He has his own place for God’s sake. It’s not like he’s going to bang you on your father’s couch.”
I slam my eyes shut and shake my head at her. And as much as I try not to, I picture just that—him banging me on my father’s couch or me bent over, his muscled body pumping in and—
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”
“What? No.”
She smirks with a knowing gleam in her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Neither was I. So what are you going to do, keep turning him down until he moves on?”
“Well, yeah. That was the plan.”
“And if he doesn’t move on?”
I come up short. I hadn’t really thought about that. Can I keep saying no to Endymion forever, even if it is the right thing to do?
My brain says yes, but my heart, that foolish organ, says no.
“Selene! How are you, sweetie?” Rita’s voice rings loudly in the diner, interrupting my thoughts as she walks up to our table. I shoot her a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I love her as a person, but I’m not exactly sure how much I’ll love working for her.
“I’m doing well. How are you?”
“Oh, you know, just getting old. I hear you have a sweet little girl now. What’s her name?”
My smile turns genuine. “Luna.”
“My, how time flies. I remember when you were just a little thing. Now look at you, a baby with a baby. Julia tells me you’re looking for a job?”
I perk up. “I was actually hoping I could interview here with you.”
Rita waves me off. “No need for an interview, honey. You’ll start Friday. Just shadow Julia for the day. She’ll give you a quick crash course on how everything works at the diner.” Her name gets called from the kitchen, and she places a gentle hand on my shoulder. “We’re all so glad to have you back, sweetie. See you Friday.”
Once she disappears into the kitchen, I turn toward Julia. “Well, that was easier than I expected.”
“You sure about working here, Selene? It’s not exactly glamorous, like owning your own business.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, and look how well that turned out for me? I don’t really have any other choice. I need to get back on my feet, and if Rita’s is my way of doing it, so be it.”
“All right.” She sighs, pushing up from her seat. “I gotta head back, so bust out that notepad and start taking notes, girlfriend. Oh, and are you still stopping by tomorrow?”
I groan. “Do I have to?”
“Yes! You know how Beth-Ann can be. I refuse to let my sister use my house for this dildo party if I don’t have any moral support.”
I stifle my laughter. “Okay, fine. As long as I don’t have to, you know, take any of those things home.”
“Those things?” she mocks. “What are you, a virgin? How did you even get pregnant? I will never understand.”
With a shake of her head, Julia ties her uniformed apron around her waist and gets back to work. I follow her until she tells me to park my ass down and take notes. She obviously doesn’t like the idea of me shadowing her so closely. I sit for a while longer, watching Julia and a few of the other waitresses take orders and bus tables. I try to get a feel for what it’ll be like working here. I try to picture myself here in this setting, but I can’t. I never thought this is where I would end up—back here in this town, working at Rita’s, of all places. Back in college, I got a job at a local bookstore, which is worlds different than this.
Maybe the universe is still laughing at me after all.
Later, after I get Luna ready for bed, I cuddle next to her in my old bed. This is the room we’ve been staying in until the expansion is finished. The stack of books by my feet is growing heavier and heavier with each one I finish. I think this is the seventh one we’ve gone through tonight, and still, my girl doesn’t seem the least bit tired.
“All right, baby girl. It’s time for bed now. No more books.”
Luna groans. “Ugh. Fine.” She turns into me, snuggling into my stomach. I run my fingers through her soft waves, brushing the hair behind her ear.
“Do you have to go back to work, Mommy?”
My chest tightens. “I do. I’m sorry, baby. But hey, at least you’ll get to spend a ton of more time with Papa.”
That seems to perk her up. “Can we get ice cream and go to the park?”
“Of course you can.”
“And what about End?”
I pause. “What about Endymion?”
“Well, can I hang out with Papa and End?”
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth and chew on it anxiously as I contemplate what to say. “I don’t know, baby. He works, and he’s probably really busy.”
“Oh, c’mon, Mommy. Please.”
“We’ll see.”
There’s a long beat, and I think she’s starting to fall asleep.
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“Mhmm,” she hums, on the cusp of sleep, and it only makes me hate myself even more.
When Julia said her sister Beth-Ann was using her house to host a dildo party, she wasn’t kidding. The second I walk through the door, a dick quite literally slaps me in the face. From the ceiling, pink rubber dildos hang around a string, all in various lengths and…girths.
I catch Julia’s gaze from across the room, and a laugh bursts from my chest at the expression on her face. If my friend is already overwhelmed by the obscene amount of dicks in here tonight, I’m sure I will be, too.
When I bypass the table in the hall with flavored condoms and dick lollipops, I’m hit with a sweltering wave of wariness. There are phalluses everywhere. Idly, I wonder if I turn back now, maybe no one will notice. Except for Julia, of course. She’d definitely have my ass if I try to leave. Summoning the courage to step into Julia’s living room that sounds like it’s filled with women, I slam my eyes shut and inhale a deep breath.
It’s just a room full of women from my past—no big deal.
The second I cross over the threshold, it definitely turns into a big deal. Conversations dwindle, then the whispers start as if I’m not even there. I can feel gazes from my past drilling holes into me. Heat prickles my skin, settling in my cheeks, uncomfortably so. My steps falter when I spot Holly Matthews sitting next to her best friend, Reina Holloway. Reina rakes her gaze down my body, from head to toe. She leans into Holly and whispers, but it’s still loud enough that I can hear it.
“She had a baby, and the father left them. It’s just so sad.”
A tight cinch squeezes my chest, and I hurry across the room, settling next to Julia. I can feel everyone’s curious eyes on m
e, and for reasons I can’t even explain, I’m embarrassed and ashamed. How many of them are looking at me like I’m a failure? How many of them are feeling sorry for me because my daughter’s father isn’t a part of our lives?
I’m sure all they see is the quiet and awkward Selene, who is now all grown up and still can’t keep a man. She couldn’t capture End’s attention, and she couldn’t even keep her baby daddy’s attention. I can practically hear their thoughts blending together as one. They’re a riot in my head, pounding against my skull, hammering into my fractured soul.
Little do they know, it’s my own fault my daughter’s father isn’t a part of her life. It isn’t because I can’t keep a man; it’s just because I’m an idiot. I’m a horrible person.
“Ignore them. They’re too bored with their own lives to mind their own damn business.” Julia bends near my ear, whispering the words reassuringly. She pats my thigh, trying to make me feel more comfortable about this whole awkward situation.
It’s not working.
I haven’t seen Holly Matthews since that morning after the creek when my heart was ripped to shreds. She’s still gorgeous as ever. Though now, her hair is a bright platinum blond. It’s not the natural platinum like Julia’s. Hell, Julia and her sister were born with an almost silver hue to their hair. But Holly’s? It’s obvious this is the work of a salon. She wears much more makeup than I remember her wearing years ago, and clothes so tight, I know they can’t be comfortable. Even though I shouldn’t, I can’t seem to stop staring at her, taking in everything about her.
Flashes of the past keep slamming into me, one after another. Holly and End at their prom. Holly and End groping each other in the shadows. Holly and End driving off together the morning after he took my virginity.
There’s a burning in my chest. A green spill of envy spreads into the cavity, making it hard to breathe. I’m jealous of her. I’ve always been jealous of her because she’s had pieces of the man I’ve always wanted. And now…now that he wants to go on a date with me, of all people, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around any of it.