by Soto, S. M.
Pity enters my mom’s eyes, and I hate it. I hate that she pities me. “Oh, honey,” she whispers.
“In Pasadena, I didn’t notice the symptoms at first. It wasn’t until my roommate talked me into taking a pregnancy test that I realized what had happened. I was pregnant with Endymion’s baby, and he didn’t even remember how it happened. I should’ve said something. I know that.” I pause, wanting her to hear me and understand why I did what I did. Trying to justify my actions, just so I can have one person on my side. Because I know once this gets out, no one will be on my side. “I was just…I was so embarrassed. I was so hurt. I didn’t know how I was going to explain that we slept together while he was drunk, and I was now pregnant. Then there was Holly. I didn’t know if they were a couple. I didn’t want to be the talk of the town. My crush wasn’t exactly a secret, so I didn’t want other people to think I did this intentionally. I just…I wanted him, and at the moment, it seemed like a good idea. Giving him my body, sharing something with him that I’d longed for, for years.”
My mom heaves a deep sigh, nodding as she processes the information. I swipe the tears off my face, waiting for the reprimands to start. Waiting for her to tell me what a horrible human being I am.
She doesn’t do that, though.
“That’s why you keep turning him down, isn’t it? You feel guilty.”
“We’d never work anyway. He doesn’t know the truth. He doesn’t know that I’ve kept his daughter from him for years.”
“This…God, Selene. This isn’t good. You have to tell him.”
I look down at the floor solemnly. “I know. I’ve been trying to find a way, but he’s so…he’s so persistent. Each time I think I’m ready, he storms into my life, charming me, buying me flowers, being sweet to Luna, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been in love with him for years. All I ever wanted was for him to see me. And now, now that’s all he seems to be doing. He’s seeing me, Mom.”
My mom smiles sadly. “He’s finally chasing the moon.”
My chin wobbles and pressure builds behind my eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Luna’s birthday is in a few days. How am I going to tell him?”
She pulls me into her arms, placing a chaste kiss on the top of my head. “You do know what you need to do. You just need to build up the courage to do it. I know you don’t want to spring this on everyone and ruin her birthday, but she’ll have many more, Selene.”
“He’s going to hate me,” I whimper.
She’s silent as she heaves a deep sigh. “He’ll be angry with you. There’s no doubt it. But I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to hate you, Selene. You’re the sliver of light we long for. You’re our moon, brightening our sky when everything is dark.”
“How am I going to tell Luna?”
“Talk to Endymion first. You can both decide how you want to tell Luna. This isn’t just your decision anymore. This is his, too. It’s time to start including him in his daughter’s life.”
That night, I crawl into bed beside Luna and pull her into my body, hugging her to me so tightly, I fear I might hurt her, but I don’t let go. I’m so scared of letting go.
I don’t want to lose her.
For so long, it’s just been her and me against the world. I never considered what it’d be like if that dynamic changed. I whisper sweet reassurances to her under my breath as I look out the window at the moon. So many things could go wrong. He could try to take her from me. He could try to keep me from her permanently. My heart clenches painfully at the thought, causing tears to leak out of the corners of my eyes. I squeeze my lids shut, praying for the strength it’ll take to do the right thing.
The thing I should’ve done years ago.
Endymion deserves it.
My beautiful little girl deserves it.
I think of how sweet End has been lately, how hard he’s tried to get me to open up, and I mourn the loss of a relationship that can never be.
He is the day. I am the night.
He is the sun. I am the moon.
We’re opposite souls, yet we’ve found our way to each other despite that. I just hope there is a way to coexist peacefully.
I watch her climb the steps into her house, and as she goes, I can’t ignore the tingle reverberating from my lips. Every time I’m close to kissing her, I can’t help but get these flashes of that previous dream. The one of us by the creek. My mouth on her skin, her hands roaming my body. Her soft, delicate moans. I swear, I can taste her. In the back of my mind, it’s like I know what she’d feel like beneath me. She’d be incredibly smooth and smell like coconut, flowers, and honey. She’d feel like heaven.
My imagination is running wild with all these images and sensations. It feels like I have every part of her memorized, and I didn’t even realize it. In my mind, I know the lines of her thighs, know what she feels like beneath my fingertips.
Shaking my head, I brush off the oddness of my thoughts. I’ve never felt this way about a woman. I’ve never been this persistent. I’ve never wanted to have anyone as badly as I want Selene. All of her. I want the light parts that emanate off her. I want the dark parts people take for granted. I want mornings with her. I want the days when I get to know her daughter. I want the days when I’m the reason she smiles.
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I started falling for the moon. For her beauty. Her light. I started falling for Selene, and I find the sensation I’ve been running from my entire life isn’t as bad as I once thought.
I had to drive out of town the night after I gave her a ride home from the bar. I had some contracts I needed to get signed before the start of our next projects. The guys were still hard at work at Gavin’s place. Today, when I pull the truck up beside the curb, I take a peek in the back, noticing most of the crew has left for the day. It’s after seven, so it’s not really a shocker. My eyes linger a little longer on the random streams of decorations. It hits me then. Selene mentioned it was Luna’s birthday soon. I must’ve missed it while I was out of town.
I grip the bouquet. This time, I went with daffodils. I don’t plan on stopping until I get my yes. I ring the doorbell, and when Cece answers, I’m surprised by how…reserved she’s acting.
“Endymion, hey. Didn’t catch you here earlier.”
“Yeah, I had some contracts to take care of in Redding. I just wanted to stop by and leave these for Selene. Wasn’t sure if she was working or she’d be here.”
Cece smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “She just got in a little while ago. I’ll get her for you.” Just as she’s inviting me in, I spot Selene over her shoulder. She looks beautiful, but that shouldn’t really be a surprise at this point. She’s dressed in a loose shirt that hangs off one shoulder and a pair of jeans. She smiles at me, but just like her mother, it doesn’t reach her eyes. She seems nervous as her gaze darts from me to her mother. She’s wringing her hands, almost as though she can’t stay still.
“Hey,” she croaks out and coughs into her hand to clear her throat. “I was hoping you’d come by. I actually…” She pauses, and it looks like she’s sucking in a deep breath. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”
My brows shoot up. This was unexpected.
She whispers something to her mom and shuts the door behind her, meeting me outside.
“Want to, um, go to the creek? Give us a little more privacy?”
I smile. “Lead the way.”
Before we leave, I hand off the flowers to her, and her eyes brighten. But they dim just as quickly as if she remembers something.
“You okay?” I ask, as we walk toward the creek in silence.
She blows out a deep breath, turning her head to look up at me. “Yeah, I will be.”
I grin, and just as I knew she would, she darts her gaze away, those cheeks heating.
“You look beautiful tonight.”
She scoffs, unable to keep the smile off her face. “You know, I think you’re just saying that
to say it now.”
I laugh. “I’m serious. You’re beautiful.”
She rolls her eyes, but I still see the hint of a smile on her lips. “Have you seen me? I just worked a full shift. My hair permanently smells like grease and fries, and I’m pretty sure the bags under my eyes have the capacity to swallow me whole.”
Once we climb the hill toward the creek, I take the spot next to her in the grass. I shift to look at her, and I mean really look at her. I try to see all the bad things she’s talking about. I’ll admit, she looks tired, but she still looks beautiful. She smells even better. Like her usual honey and floral scent. It’s her. It doesn’t matter how long she’s worked or what other smells have clung to her because I still smell her.
“I am looking. And want to know what I see?”
She tucks her legs into her chest, setting her cheek on top of them as she looks up at me.
“What do you see?”
“I see a gorgeous woman. I see a woman who I spent years overlooking and now? I’m taking in every piece of you like it’s going to be my first and last time because I refuse to make that mistake again.”
Her lips part in shock. Those beautiful doe eyes soften, and I can’t tell if it’s the gleam of the moonlight, but I swear her eyes start to water.
“Why couldn’t you do this six years ago?” she whispers, her voice trembling with emotion. I press my lips together, angry with myself for letting her slip through my fingers all those years ago. Unable to help myself, I stroke my thumb across the freckles on the bridge of her nose. I relish the way her skin feels beneath my flesh. She feels like mine.
“Because I was an idiot. But I’m here now.”
She sniffs, looking away from me. Her gaze is focused on the rippling water in the creek. She looks deep in thought. She always seems like she has a lot on her mind, but tonight is different. She seems different. As if she’s waging some internal battle.
“I need to tell you something,” she finally says after some time passes. “It’s something I should’ve told you a long time ago.” When she turns to look at me, I’m struck by just how beautiful she is. The way the moonlight gleams on her skin, like liquid pearl. She’s porcelain. Perfect in every way, and I want nothing more than to be careful with her.
Those frissons are back. That string is being tugged. And those magnets are being drawn together. It’s so forceful this time, and I have no way to stop it. My hand suddenly finds its way around the back of her neck and into her hair. She lets out a soft sound. It’s a cross between a whimper and a moan, and I realize then that I can’t hold back, not even if I tried. Tugging her mouth toward mine, I seal my lips over hers, falling into the kiss. Into her taste. She moans into my mouth, her hands coming up to my shoulders and gripping on for dear life. I work her bee-stung lips, getting lost in her sweet taste. I pause, though, when a flash hits me.
It’s a moment of déjà vu. More than just déjà vu. I’m kissing her in the dream. I’m tasting her. It feels like heaven, a familiar heaven I haven’t been able to fully forget. And how did I know she would taste like this? Like strawberries and cream. How did I know the exact way she’d feel in my arms? It’s almost as if I’ve done this before. Almost as though—
When my tongue strokes hers, I’m transported back in time, and the images that flash behind my closed lids send a chill down my spine.
What the…
Her hot little body beneath my hands.
The strong smell of grass and the ripples of the creek behind us.
The moon illuminating her beautiful face beneath me as she pants, tossing her head back.
Feeling her tight, wet heat around my cock. Feeling her nails dig into my skin, her soft pants in my ears.
My eyes fling open, and I jerk away from her. I try to process what my brain already knows. I try to rationalize and chalk it up to chemistry, but it’s not. My eyes grow wide, realization dawning on me. My imagination cannot be that vivid, and as I search her features, her soft hazel eyes that suddenly look guilty—the look on her face says it all.
We’ve done this before.
There’s no other explanation.
My eyes slam shut, and I try to rack my brain for answers. There has to be a logical explanation. Surely, if I’d slept with her, I’d remember in full detail, wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t she tell me?
Ice spreads through my veins as I think about the dream. I focus on what I was wearing and what I was doing out at the creek. Then it hits me. I vaguely remember the night years ago when I got drunk. Feeling frustrated and overworked at the garage, I left in a shit mood. I was tired of dealing with the bullshit, so I drank myself stupid, and like an idiot, I stumbled home.
Dread settles in the pit of my stomach as I put the pieces of the puzzle together. They still come in flashes, but I remember stopping by the creek to rest. I remember a beautiful girl lying there. I remember wanting to kiss her so badly, so I did. Then I remember the way she moaned into my mouth, clutched onto me.
Christ in heaven.
I fucked her.
While I was drunk.
Fuck!
“End—”
“This isn’t our first kiss, is it?” There’s an edge to my tone. Her stricken eyes grow wide.
“I can explain,” she whispers, her bottom lip trembling.
“We’ve done more than this, haven’t we?”
Her chin quivers with emotion. “I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed and ashamed. She doesn’t even know. No one does.”
My brows furrow. Who the hell is she—
An ice-cold twinge slithers down the center of my chest, stopping my heart.
I shoot to my feet unsteadily, taking a wary step back. My gaze narrows on Selene. Is she saying what I think she’s saying?
No.
There’s no way.
I try to do the math in my head. Try to remember how long it’s been. How old her daughter might be in comparison.
“Are you telling me…” I trail off, trying to catch my breath. “Are you telling me that that little girl might be mine?”
Tears start slipping down her cheeks. “You’re the only man I’ve ever slept with, End. There’s no might about it.”
Bile rises, threatening to expel at my feet.
“What are you saying right now, Selene? What the hell are you telling me right now, because it sure seems like you’re telling me Luna is my daughter, and that can’t be. She’s fucking five. Five years old!”
Selene flinches at my tone. “She turned six yesterday.”
Everything inside me crumples at her words. My chest caves, and my nostrils flare. Selene drops her face into her hands, and her body shakes as she sobs.
“Tell me right now. Is she mine? Is that little girl mine?”
She picks her head up, and I know the answer before she even utters the words. I feel it deep in my soul.
“She’s yours.”
My eyes slam shut. Emotion slams into me like a wrecking ball. It seizes my chest, squeezing my lungs in a vise. I should’ve known. When I first spotted her, it’s no coincidence I thought she looked like my sister and niece, but now I get it. It’s because she shares my blood. It’s because she is mine.
A flash of anger and betrayal suddenly rips through my veins. Does Gavin know? Why hasn’t he ever told me?
As if reading my thoughts, she answers my internal questions.
“He doesn’t know. No one does. I only told my mother the other night. I tried to talk to you, years ago, I really did, I just…” She trails off, lost in her thoughts.
That explains her reaction to seeing me today on her porch.
Slowly, I shift my gaze, looking at her, trying to piece it together in my mind, trying to make it make sense. But I can’t. Raking a frustrated hand through my hair, I pace, trying to remain calm.
“I need…fuck. I need to go.”
I turn on my heels, leaving her there at the creek while I try to process.
While I try to proc
ess the fact that I have a five-year-old daughter—no, wait, a six-year-old daughter. A daughter that her mother tried to hide from me.
Eventually, when I make my way back from the creek, I walk into the house on autopilot. The tears have long since dried on my face, and instead, I’ve been beating myself up for my choices. Guilt is a heavy burden weighing on my chest. The way Endymion looked at me tonight, it was the lowest low of my life. He looked disgusted and betrayed. The ache in my chest flares uncomfortably.
“Are you okay?” I jolt at the sound of my mom’s voice. The words were whispered, but for some reason, they blared like an alarm in my ears.
Am I okay?
No. No, I’m not.
“He knows,” I croak, tamping down a fresh wave of emotion.
“How did he take it?”
“Well.” I blow out a shaky sigh. I feel drained of all energy, and I have nothing left. The shrug I give my mother conveys just that. “He left. I-I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what happens next.”
“We’ll figure it out tomorrow, okay? Right now, I think it’s best if you just…go to bed. Give him time to process.” I nod, though I know my chances of actually getting any sleep tonight are slim. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes tonight. It was a painful mix of betrayal and anger.
“What’s going on?” I freeze at the sound of my dad’s voice. He sounds groggy and tired, and I’m sure this is the very last thing he needs to hear right now. I squeeze my eyes shut, mentally preparing myself for how I’m going to break the news to him.
“I-I…there’s something I haven’t told you. Something I haven’t been honest about with anyone.” Dad darts his gaze back and forth between my mother and me, a slow frown making itself at home on his face.
“What is it?”