by Soto, S. M.
“I’m hanging in there, trying not to hate myself,” I tell her, opting for honesty.
Aurora takes my hand in hers and squeezes reassuringly, sending shockwaves through my body. “Don’t beat yourself up, Selene. Endymion has always been…angry. About everything it seems like. Even as a kid, he hated change but got tired of routine, not a great combination. I’ve always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I’d like to think maybe my son wouldn’t have been ready for this news all those years ago. Maybe it would’ve changed the course of his life forever? Just give him some time to process, and know, I understand. I am just glad she’s in our lives now.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I choke out, fighting back my tears. It suddenly feels like every emotion is clogged in my throat, blocking my airway. Luna calls to me from across the backyard, a huge grin on her face.
“Mommy, look at this!” she yells out, going back to playing with Endymion.
Aurora continues. “Because like it or not, we’re family now, Selene. And my son is an idiot. Even a blind person could see the way you looked at him, but he just…he’s always been too focused. He’s always reaching for the stars, and don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing, but he never stopped to look at the star that was closest to him—the brightest one. I know he overlooked you, but don’t let it get to you now. I know you’re an amazing person. I know your heart. That isn’t going to change because you were gone for six years. It’s okay to put the past in the past and move forward.”
“I hate that I let my pride get in the way. I hate that after all these years I still feel stupid when I’m near him. I’m like that teenage girl all over again with a hopeless crush.”
“Men are dumb creatures by nature, honey. Don’t feel too bad.” I laugh and use my sleeve to get rid of the stray tears. “C’mon, let’s have some pie.”
We all settle around the table they have in their backyard while Aurora serves up slices of her delicious apple pie. It’s a town favorite. Always has been.
“So, Selene, Endymion and Luna were telling us that you’re getting little miss signed up for classes. First grade, how does it feel?”
“Like time is going by much too quickly,” I tell Ermias.
Endymion’s lips purse in disapproval, obviously not happy that he wasn’t able to be a part of her previous years. I deflate in my seat, feeling incredibly guilty. I can imagine it feels the same way for him—as though he’ll never have enough time with her because she’s growing way too fast.
“I heard through your dad that you’re now working at Rita’s?”
I nod, plastering an uncomfortable smile on my face. “It’s different. I haven’t worked customer service since I was in college, but since I’m out of work while here, I thought it’d be nice to pitch in with my dad, help him pay the bills. Maybe save enough to get my own place.”
This seems to make them happy. Aurora smiles. She reaches across the table and pats my hand. “You know, we’re actually going to have a barbecue here next weekend. I think you should come. I have a friend who is a realtor, and maybe you two can exchange numbers.”
“That sounds great.”
When night rolls around, Luna and I say our goodbyes. Endymion walks us to the car and buckles her in. I step away, giving them their privacy and hear them speaking in hushed tones. I hear her little giggle, and it makes me smile, despite the constant pit in my gut. He shuts her door, and I know, within a few minutes, she’ll be out like a light.
An awkward silence descends as Endymion stands before me, his gaze raking up and down my body. I cross my arms over my chest protectively, feeling unsure.
“You know, about the invite your mother extended to me, I don’t have to come.”
His gaze searches mine but gives nothing away. His face remains impassive, impossible for me to read. “It’s fine. Luna will want you there.”
I clear my throat. “Okay. Sure.”
“Thank you for coming.” The words sound insincere as if they’re hard for him to say, let alone swallow. I hate that.
“Of course. And look, I know you’re still angry with me—”
That seems to do it. His eyes suddenly flare with pent-up rage, and his lips thin into a grim line. The sinews of his strong body grow taut with tension, making me regret me and my stupid mouth instantaneously.
“Did you think a few outings with my daughter would suddenly take away my anger, Selene?” He takes a step toward me, and I back away on instinct. I don’t think he’d ever hurt me, but something in his eyes, a darkness mixed with reckless abandon—it’s a pool of heat that is so hot, it damn near incinerates me.
“No. Well, yes. I mean, no. I just hoped—”
“Don’t hope, Selene. It gets you nowhere.”
He stalks away, gait stiff, the muscles in his back bunched with tension, and I watch the entire way he goes, feeling off-kilter and deflated.
After showering off my shift at Rita’s, I get dressed for the party at End’s parents’ house. It’s all the town has been talking about. Apparently, they’ve been doing it every year in the summertime. Not that I would know, I’ve been gone and am no longer a true member of this town.
News has spread fast about Luna and her relation to the Blacks. The gossip mill still hasn’t changed one bit since I’ve been gone. It probably never will. I’ve been getting side-eyes and disapproving stares at work from other town-goers, and my only saving grace has been Rita and Julia. They’ve been quick to speak up and defend me against the vultures and their harsh words when I can’t speak up for myself. I’d like to think I’m not that weak teenaged girl from six years ago, but giving in to the town’s antics, defending myself to them, almost feels like I’m fighting back for no reason. I do deserve their wrath, so if this is my punishment, so be it.
With the summer heat at an all-time high, I opt for a yellow sundress and some nude espadrille sandals that buckle around the ankle. I blow-dry my hair and run a brush through it, deciding to keep the natural waves I have going instead of going all out and doing my hair. I’ll have enough people judging me as it is. The last thing I want to do is draw too much attention to myself.
Before I left for work earlier, I dressed Luna similarly in a cute little pink romper with unicorns and a bow in her hair. Endymion’s smile was so wide when he came to pick her up; it had my stomach flipping, and my heart tripping over itself.
“You ready yet? Or are you on your what, hundredth heart attack of the day?” Julia asks, popping her head into the doorway. I glance away from my reflection and shoot her a glare.
“I’m ready.”
She’s coming along as moral support, but I’m not exactly sure how supportive she’ll actually be. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but she’s always had this “I don’t give a shit what other people think of me” motto that I’ve never quite been able to adopt.
My stomach twists with unease as we park down the street from their house. There are a ton of cars, and plenty of the town is hanging around. This is definitely going to be a packed shindig. That is what I hate about small towns.
“C’mon, it’s probably not as bad as you’re thinking,” Julia assures, dragging me along with her. When we walk into the backyard, and I see everyone seated around at the multitude of tables, my breath gets caught in my throat. It is exactly what I was fearing.
Only so much worse.
As soon as everyone takes notice of us, there is a lull in the roaring conversation, and I can feel everyone’s gaze on me. Some with looks of contempt and others with looks of pity. I don’t need their pity, and I certainly don’t need their anger. I have enough of that from End to last a lifetime.
One look, in particular, has my stomach souring, and my heart shriveling. Freya Black is beautiful and has always been incredibly sweet, but the way she’s glaring daggers at me right now? You’d never believe it. She hates me. It’s written all over the soft planes of her face. I kept her brother’s daughter from him, deprive
d her of a niece, a cousin for her daughter to play with—I get it. I’m sure she thinks I’m the devil incarnate.
“There you are!” Aurora cheers, pulling me into a warm hug that takes me by surprise. “Ignore them. They have nothing better to do than gossip,” she whispers into my ear, trying to put me at ease. I give her a wobbly smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.
“Thank you, Aurora.”
“Come. End and Luna are just over there.” She points over toward them, and my stomach drops at the scene before me. It’s like I’m reliving the agony of the past and the hurt of being invisible and insignificant in the eyes of Endymion Black. Holly Matthews is standing there with Endymion and our daughter. A sharp ache shoots through my chest. If things were different, this would be their story. Suddenly, the thought of sharing my daughter with Holly makes me sick to my stomach. I place a trembling hand over my gut, trying to inhale deep, stabilizing breaths, but my lungs have suddenly forgotten how to work.
Julia must sense my pain because she grips my arm, being the supportive friend, and drags me toward my daughter. She doesn’t say it, but I feel it in the squeeze of her hand on mine. “Everything is fine.” and “You’re okay.”
When Luna notices I’m here, a smile breaks out across her little face, and it slowly ebbs away the pain-filled throb I feel wreaking havoc in my chest.
“Mommy!” she yells. I close the distance between us and glance at Endymion and Holly once more. They’re both laughing with each other, looking like the perfect couple I remember from my teen years. My heart cracks open at the realization. At the sound of Luna’s excitement, they both glance my way just as I drop to my haunches and throw my arms open for my little girl. She squeezes me in a bear hug, peppering my face with kisses.
When she pulls back, she cups my cheek, staring into my eyes. “You look really pretty, Mommy.”
I smile. “Not prettier than you.”
Her laughter is like music to my ears.
Looking over her shoulder, I spot Holly with her hand on Endymion’s arm, and a surge of envy roars through my veins, knocking the wind out of me. It borders on possessiveness because as much as I hate to admit it, I wish he were mine. It’ll never happen, though, this I know. Ignoring the iciness that’s shooting down the center of my chest, making me feel numb, I coach myself through my breathing techniques.
Deep inhale. Long exhale.
This is what I wanted to avoid. This sick feeling right here. Holly smirks as though she knows exactly what seeing them together is doing to me. I avert my gaze, soaking in my daughter. She takes my hand and Julia’s hand, showing us how she goes down the slide. I welcome the distraction with open arms.
I feel eyes on me, and I know without looking who it is. There is that damn tension in the air, that thickness that makes it hard to breathe. It’s the Endymion effect. I feel his presence come up behind me. I can also tell by the squeak that leaves Julia at his nearness. I don’t bother turning. I don’t want to see Holly with her paws all over him in front of our daughter any longer.
“You came,” is all he says when he steps beside me. I have to fight the urge to turn and look at him and all his handsome glory.
“I did.”
“You know what? I’m going to say my hellos. I’ll meet up with you later, Selene,” Julia offers, sounding unsure. I curse her in my head the entire time.
So much for having my back.
In my peripheral, I spot him cross his arms over his broad chest. “You look nice.”
“Thanks,” I mumble, still refusing to look at him.
As Luna continues to play, I make an excuse, anything to get away from him. After seeing him with Holly, I suddenly feel sad and angry. The emotions are rioting inside me, demanding to be heard—or more accurately, felt.
“I’m going to see if your mom needs help with anything.”
I don’t bother waiting for his response. I bypass table after table of whispers that cling to me like they’ve dug their talons into my flesh. Despite all that, I’m holding my head high even when my chest feels like it’s going to explode at any given second. Aurora’s face alights with surprise when I step into the kitchen, a perpetual redness coating my cheeks.
“Selene, is something wrong?” she asks, sounding truly concerned. As if she cares.
I shake my head. “Everything is fine. I wanted to see if you need help with anything.”
She pauses, studying me for a few suspended seconds, warmth seeping into her gaze. “Here, why don’t you help me bring these trays out there? And thank you, Selene. I appreciate it.”
I begin dropping off the glass trays of various foods to the table they have set up out there on the patio. My feet falter as I’m bringing out the last tray. It’s heavier than the rest, the glass still unbelievably warm against my palms from the food inside. Holly is off to the side of the table with her group of friends.
“We’re going out on a date. I knew time wouldn’t change anything between us. We’re still as good now as we were then,” I hear Holly gloat to Reina. My stomach cramps and pain shoots through my chest. It wraps cold and savage around my heart. A sick sensation brews in my gut.
The glass tray I’m holding tumbles from my hands and falls at my feet, shattering against the pavement. Everyone stops what they’re doing to look at me, eyes wide, judging me. My face flames, the attention making me uncomfortable. My chin trembles, and I trap my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to stifle the tears.
I will not cry here.
I will not cry here.
My baby comes up running to me, stopping before the mess. “What happened, Mommy?” she asks in her sweet little voice.
I sniff past the pressure in my nose, and I force a smile for her sake, avoiding everyone’s probing gaze. “It just slipped from my hands, that’s all, baby.”
I bend to start cleaning the mess of glass and splattered food. I rush to do it, hate feeling like I’m under a microscope of this whole damn town. Why won’t everyone just look away? I glance up quickly, and my stomach twists with anguish when I see how close Holly is now standing to End. When he even got near her, I don’t remember, but seeing them so close, after what I just heard, it has my heart shriveling. She’s laughing under her breath, resting her hand on his firm bicep, obviously finding my clumsiness hilarious. My stomach revolts, and I fear I might vomit right here in front of everyone.
Pain slices through my hand, and a sharp gasp suddenly falls past my lips. Luna makes a mewling sound before yelling, “Oh no!”
While cleaning, I accidentally cut myself on the shards of glass. Blood drips from the wound, stinging as the open air hits it. I hurry to cover my finger, not wanting to freak her out. Endymion comes running over, leaving Holly, obviously thinking something happened to Luna instead of me. When he sees the blood, he scoops up Luna, trying to distract her. I blow out a sigh and cradle my finger to my chest, heading inside.
In search of the bathroom or a first-aid kit, I spot Freya, who is no longer glaring at me, but this time, staring after me with a look of pity in her eyes. I find I much prefer the anger.
“Down the hall, on the right,” she calls out to me.
I keep my hand cradled to my chest, opening up drawers in the bathroom, looking for something I can cover this with. I’m not sure a Band-Aid will hold, but I’ll take what I can get. I opt to wrap it in toilet paper for now while I search for what I need.
I’m so caught up in my own thoughts that I don’t hear the footsteps until his voice echoes from beside me, making me squeak in surprise.
“Let me take a look,” End says, glancing down at my hand pointedly. The blood is already soaking through the botched toilet paper wrap-job I did. He is larger than life. His body takes up all the space in this small bathroom, making it hard to breathe. I shake my head.
“No, it’s fine. I’m just looking for a Band-Aid or something.”
“Selene.”
The way he says my name gives me pause. Slowly, I glance up at
him through the curtain of my hair, and our eyes connect. A moment passes between us, and I hate the way my stomach flips at all in his presence. It’s not like he feels the same way. Maybe if I was Holly, he might, but I’m not. I’m me—plain ole Selene. Nothing special, and the likelihood is, I never will be.
His jaw is dusted lightly with stubble, and I have to fight the urge to caress his handsome face. He reaches his hand out between us, clearly telling me to place mine in his, so he can have a look. Blowing out a resigned breath, I do as he says, and he unwraps the bloody toilet paper from my finger, taking a look. The second his skin is on mine, a tingle travels through my body. It’s an awareness I wish wasn’t there. One I wish I could ignore. One I should not be feeling at all. His touch is gentle and soft, and I can’t help but admire everything about him at this moment. I’m sure he can feel my gaze on him, but I can’t seem to bring myself to look away.
“You all right?” he asks as he cleans the wound.
I wince a little at the sting but try to shrug it off as nothing major. “It’s just a small cut. I’ll be fine.”
“I wasn’t talking about the cut, Selene.”
My brows pull together in a frown, and I pause. “What were you talking about then?”
He sighs. “She was talking to me. Not the other way around, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
I don’t respond, mainly because I’m unsure how to. He doesn’t have to explain. He owes me nothing while I owe him everything.
“You don’t owe me anything,” I mumble.
“You’re right. I don’t.” My eyes slam shut, an ache ricocheting through my chest. That one hurt. “But that doesn’t mean I want you to think there’s anything between Holly and me because there isn’t.”
I nod slowly, trying to process the torment in my chest with the reality of his words, and make sense of what I heard Holly say. I hate that his words invoke any kind of hope in my chest.