by L. T. Varner
“Your turn to tell me about your family.”
I just laughed at him before reluctantly replying, “Mike and my dad are my family.”
He added, “I know exactly who your dad is, and I am a big fan. More people in town know more about you two than you think.”
“My dad and I have a dysfunctional relationship. Neither one of us asks or tells each other details. Feelings aren’t brought up much,” I said looking out my window.
“Ok, what about your mom?”
“You know as much as I do: nothing.”
Changing the subject, I asked, “So, why was everyone leaving the other night so suddenly?”
I waited for a reply. He was silent for a moment.
“It’s complicated and something you don’t want to know.”
“I want to know,” I fired back at him, taking the whiskey bottle from his hand.
“Ok, fine,” he said. “You probably already guessed anyways. Ron is the local drug dealer in town and, if you value your life, you don’t cross him. His group of friends is very tight knit; it’s better to keep a little distance from them.”
“You’re not answering my question.”
“I was getting to that. Are you sure you want to know?”
I nodded my head, and he explained that I would be surprised what people will do for drugs when they don’t have any money. Sometimes the party turns into a sex party, and it was better not to get involved. He explained that when the party starts changing, you have to get out quickly because if Ron asks you to stay, you do. I asked if he had ever stayed and he said no. In the past, he and Ron had some differences when it came to Amber. James continued telling me that he and Amber were dating when Ron moved to town, and he quickly went after Amber. She liked drugs, so it was no problem for her to become Ron’s girlfriend. Now she did exactly what she was told and never asked questions. Amber did stand up for James and told Ron to leave him alone; they developed a kind of tolerance for each other mostly because Ron liked James’ money and James wanted the drugs, too. He stressed the point of staying a safe distance from both Amber and Ron for my safety. I told him that I would only go out there with him. He squeezed my hand and said that was a good idea.
As we pulled up to the house, I saw lots of cars. We stopped at the gate, and a huge guy with a shaved head and braided beard asked if we were lost. Then he recognized James and told him to go ahead. I was hoping it would be like last time when no one paid much attention to me. James grabbed my hand and told me to stay with him as we went inside.
Funny, it hadn’t seemed dangerous the last time I was here, but now it appeared to be a little scary. As he led me through the house, James stopped at the couch, telling me to stay put and that he would be right back. I hate people telling me what to do, but I sat down and did as I was directed. I recognized a lot of the same faces with a few new ones as people made small talk with me. I did my best to blend in as James came into the room and sat down by me.
“Where did you go?”
“To get something to help you forget,” he said, pulling a joint from his shirt pocket.
He lit it and passed it to me. The numbness started to settle in, and I felt better than the last time. I mentioned it to him, and he said he was sure the whiskey had something to do with that.
We sat there just watching people come and go, when someone yelled, “Ron, you have a friendly customer.”
“What is a friendly customer?” I whispered in James’ ear.
“Give it a second and you will find out.”
Ron came into the house as a girl came forward. She was not attractive, very thin, sores all over her face, and missing a lot of teeth. He pointed her toward a room, and they both went in while one of his friends stood in front of the door. It made me even more curious about what was going on.
James whispered in my ear, “A friendly customer is someone who trades a sexual favor for drugs.”
I had no idea that really happened. James passed the joint back to me and put his arm around me. I felt safer nestled by his side, so that is where I stayed.
After about twenty minutes, Ron and the girl came out of the room. She quickly left, and I wondered if she wanted to get high or if she was humiliated.
Ron started talking to different people, and I hoped he wouldn’t notice me and would just go back outside. Then he looked right at me, smiled, and started walking toward me. Dammit, I thought, feeling James pull me closer to his side.
“I wondered if we would ever see you again,” Ron said, noticing James holding onto me.
“We just stopped by for a minute,” I mumbled.
“You want to come outside and have a beer?”
James answered quickly, “It’s time for us to leave.”
“Sorry, I didn’t realize that you two were together.”
“Well, now you do,” James said, standing up in front of Ron.
“I hope to see you again real soon, Danni, and I’ll let Amber know that you stopped by.”
Ron smiled at me, then turned and left the room. Everyone stared at me for a moment before they went back to their business.
We quickly left. James didn’t let go of my hand until he opened the passenger-side door for me. I got in, and he shut the door behind me. I sat there alone, locked in my SUV, waiting for him while he went back inside.
I thought about getting my phone out and turning it on. I knew Mike was just going to yell at me, so why bother? I was starting to miss him. I hadn’t seen him in what seemed like a month even though it had only been five days. He was only looking out for my best interests, although I was making that difficult for him these days.
James opened the driver-side door and scared the crap out of me.
“Where did you go to?” I asked.
“I got our party to go,” he said and patted his shirt pocket.
We didn’t say much on the way back to town. I looked at the clock and noticed it was only 11 p.m. I didn’t want to go home yet.
“James, would it be okay if we went to your place to hang out?”
“I hoped you would say that.”
He was careful to take back streets, so we didn’t drive by the bar, avoiding Mike. At his house, he pulled in the driveway, hopped out, and went inside. The garage door opened, and he jumped back into the driver’s seat, before pulling into the garage.
“It will be a little harder for Mike to find you if your car isn’t in plain sight.”
I felt myself a little hesitant to get out of the car. I hadn’t been alone with a guy since the whole assault thing. I started to panic, and he sensed my anxiety.
“We can just stay here and talk if you want. I would never make you do anything you didn’t want to do,” he said while holding my hand to his chest.
Well, I thought, I don’t want my SUV to smell like weed either. I took a deep breath and climbed out. Inside his house, I was surprised that it looked so cozy and clean. I made fun of him a bit, asking if he was a decorator. He laughed and rolled his eyes.
“Take off your jacket and get comfortable, please.”
I shrugged out of my coat and laid it on the dark brown leather sofa as he made us another drink. Sitting down on the couch, he reached into his pocket and pulled out four pills in a small plastic bag.
“Do you want something to go with our drinks?”
“Most definitely,” I said, perhaps a little too quickly.
I thought maybe I was a bit too sober, and I needed to fix that. It was easy talking to James. He didn’t make me feel like it was anything more than just hanging out. He now sensed my relaxation and started to make fun of me.
“You know, when you moved to town you were the topic of conversation for single guys.”
“Did you take part in that conversation?” I asked him with a smile.
“No, you came across like a stuck-up princess. I don’t like that.”
We just sat there, talking for what felt like hours about nothing important. Eventually, we both starte
d getting quiet. I could tell he was just as tired as I was.
“Do you mind if I sleep on your couch?” I asked, knowing I was in no shape to drive.
“No, but you can stay in my room, and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
He showed me to his room, and again I was surprised by how clean it was. He grabbed a pillow off his bed and pointed toward the door.
“There is a lock on the door if that makes you feel better. You’re welcome to use it.”
“No need, James, but thank you for being so kind to me.”
He nodded and pulled the door shut after him. I took off my shoes and jeans and crawled into his bed. I fell asleep right away, despite being in a strange place.
I woke up to the smell of bacon and coffee. I had started making a habit of staying up late and sleeping most of the day. I got dressed and tried to make myself presentable.
James greeted me saying, “There is coffee, breakfast will be ready shortly.”
“Wow, you cook, too. I am impressed,” I said.
“Be quiet and drink your coffee,” he said, mocking me.
After breakfast, on our way out the door, I said, “Thank you, James. It was a great night.”
“I hope it’s the first of many.”
I secretly hoped for more as well. After saying he would call me later to see how much trouble I was in, I headed for home. I stopped for coffee on the way home, delaying the wrath of Mike. As soon as I turned into my driveway, I saw his truck sitting in the usual spot. I thought about leaving, but I knew eventually he would find me.
I pulled into the garage, got out, and went to the passenger-side to get my laptop and paperwork from the bar. As I walked into the kitchen, it appeared that nobody was around, and for a moment I thought he might not be home.
“Where the hell have you been and what the hell did you think when you fired Jackie?” he angrily greeted me from out of nowhere.
“Well, hello to you, too,” I said. He was not amused.
I started walking toward my office, trying to avoid him. He was right behind me, and I knew this conversation was not going just to go away. I put my stuff on my desk and turned and looked at him.
“Mike, you know I love you, but you have to stop treating me like an injured child. I am appreciative that you are concerned, but you are smothering me.”
He looked at the floor and said, “I know that I am a little overprotective, but that’s my job. I’m worried about you. You don’t seem to be making the best choices right now. I’m just looking out for you. Please, Danni, I wish you would see a therapist and work on getting better.”
“What the hell is wrong with me that you think I need to fix?”
He just went off yelling, “You have never addressed the rape. You avoid it at all costs, and you are becoming so angry. This isn’t who you are.”
“I know I am angry. I’m handling it,” I grumbled, sitting down in my chair.
“I know all about the firing of people. Plus, you’re drinking, and getting high.” He threw his hands up in the air.
Apparently, word of my recent addictions, attitude, and actions had somehow been spread to him.
I opened my mouth to reply, but he cut me off and yelled, “Oh, don’t fucking lie to me. You’re a horrible liar.”
I wanted the conversation to end now. “Fine, Mike, I will make an appointment with a therapist.”
“Are you really going to make an appointment, or are you just telling me this so I’ll feel better?” he asked.
“Yes! I will make an appointment, Mike.”
I stood up and put my hand in his as he hugged me and said, “Thank you, Danni. That is all I ask.”
“We need to address the Jackie issue,” I said, pulling my face away from his chest.
“I already handled it and told her she wasn’t fired. She knows we are having a hard time right now,” he whispered.
“Wow, do you make all the decisions now or what?” I asked, mocking him.
“She’s trying to help us and is just concerned about you.”
I wish everyone would quit worrying about me, I thought. Mike continued ranting about it being a good idea if I just took care of the business end from home right now. He and Jackie would handle the rest, he said. I agreed so that we could change the subject.
I asked him about Mark, and he immediately started telling me how great he was, how much fun they had together, and blah blah blah. After a few minutes, I started tuning him out. I didn’t want to hear about anyone’s love life at the moment, but at least the focus of the conversation wasn’t on me.
We started going through the work stuff I had brought home, and between the two of us, we finished it rather quickly. About two hours later, he left to go clean up and take a shower for work.
The doorbell rang, and I hoped Mike would get it, but when it rang again, I went to the door. I was surprised to see a huge bouquet of white roses.
The teenage delivery girl with blue hair asked, “Is there, like, a Danni here or, like, a Denny or something?”
Wow, her education was paying off.
“That’s me, and for your information, it’s Danni,” I said before she shoved her little clipboard in my face and asked for a signature.
I signed and took the flowers inside, wondering who would be sending me flowers. Opening the card, I saw they were from James. It said simply:
Hi, beautiful. Something to help you forget.
—James
Looking in the envelope, I saw that there were two joints. Well, my evening had taken a turn for the better.
Chapter 4
Liar’s Block
Over the next couple of months, my life became an endless cycle of sleeping till noon, staying out all night, and getting high. I was able to work from home with a lot more free time now that I wasn’t going to the bar to work every day.
James and I had grown closer. We were just friends with nothing else attached to it. I wasn’t dumb and knew from the way he sometimes looked at me that he hoped something more would come out of our friendship. I hated to break his heart, but the whole idea of a sexual relationship with anyone just made me sick. I couldn’t deal with my feelings right now let alone someone else’s feelings.
While James and I grew close, Mike and I became distant. I wasn’t sure who was to blame. Maybe both of us. I was continually ignoring him so I wouldn’t get lectured about my behavior and he was disregarding me because he was in love. He and Mark were around each other every moment they could be together. I knew it was serious between them, and I couldn’t help but be a little jealous of what they had, in addition to missing my time with Mike. But, on the other hand, not having to hear about how in love they were was great, too.
Mike and I lived together so we could catch each other for work-related issues, but for now, I wanted nothing more than to live alone. Apparently everyone in town informed him about my every move. He made sure to tell me that he knew what I was up to every day, hoping I would fix my life before I did something stupid.
Mike had also pulled James aside at the bar one night, telling him what he thought of the situation between us. It led to a very heated argument between the two, ending with Chuck kicking James out and telling him he was no longer welcome in the bar. I knew that what James and I were doing would probably not end well, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed James and everything he supplied me with, and that was what mattered most to me.
Sitting on my bed one afternoon after sleeping till noon, I stared at my phone. I was dreading the phone call that I needed to make. It was the end of March and every year at this time my dad and I would take a trip somewhere for a little quality time together. I was trying to find a way out of it. Being with my dad for a solid month sober was just something I couldn’t do right now. Mike had mentioned yesterday that my dad was excited about our trip, but I wasn’t thrilled at all. They had always been very close. I knew that Mike told my dad everything I was up to and the company I kept, although my father hadn’t said a
word about it to me. He had taken it upon himself to plan our trip without me this year. The worst part was that he had invited Mike and Mark to go with us. The thought of the four of us together for a month was something out of a horror novel. I needed an excuse fast, and I couldn’t come up with anything.
Just then, my phone lit up with a text.
James: What are you doing?
Me: I have liar’s block!
We had already talked about this trip and what I should do. He suggested that the two of us just go to Vegas instead. The idea was tempting, but I had no desire to go anywhere with anyone right now. I only wanted to stay here and have a supply on hand at all times.
James: Do you want to go out to Ron’s tonight? We are out of our supply right now.
Typically he just ran out there, wanting me to stay away from them. My answer involved little thought.
Me: Yes, I will pick you up. What time?
James: Pick me up in an hour from the gas station.
That gave me enough time to run to the bar and drop off the bills and payroll. Twenty minutes later, my phone call to dad was long-forgotten. I pulled up to the bar and noticed that Mike and Mark were both there. I was sure to hear about the trip. Maybe I could give everything to Jackie and make my way out without running into either of them.
Walking in the door, I saw that the regular 5 o’clock crowd was gathered. Quickly looking around for Jackie, I realized she was, of course, in the office with both of them. Crap. I’ll just make it as short as possible. Walking into the office with the usual hello’s and such, I gave Jackie the payroll to hand out. Mike had taken the rest before he started gathering up the current invoices. I knew he wanted to talk to me, so I tried to avoid him. I walked to the back to pick up the new bills, and I could tell he was following me.
“Danni, you can’t ignore me forever,” he said.
“I am not trying to ignore you. I just have things I need to do.”
“Like, getting high?!”